Which Way To Turn?

Right now I really don't know which way to turn.

I'm struggling a little.

I know this blog post will turn into a rambling mess but I need a 'thought dump'. I apologise in advance if it doesn't make sense.

Life seems to be going at 100 miles an hour but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere or doing anything fulfilling. Maybe this is what being a stay-at-home-mum is like at its worst?

Maybe I'm not exactly 'loving it' at the moment.

Regular readers will notice large gaps in my posts over the past couple of months.

I spent most of September and the first part of October (yes, my food poisoning/stomach thing had a relapse) being really ill and it knocked me for six. To be perfectly honest, since then it's really made me think about things. I was that poorly that Matt (and I, if I'm honest) was really worried. It scared us. It made us both realise just how fragile life can be. Those times at the hospital when I was in agony and Matt felt so helpless were awful.

This morning I took TC to a soft-play centre. I needed to get out somewhere. Anywhere that wasn't shopping. I was going to meet up with the lovely Sarah who lives just down the road but she's poorly. It's a good job in a way as Sarah probably wouldn't have known what to do with me.

The song Firework by Katy Perry came on whilst I was there.

I welled up.

Then the tears became sobs.

Luckily there were only a couple of people in there and I was sat in a corner so was able to get away with it.

That song makes me think of Multiple Mummy and Matilda Mae.

It's funny but doing that in public made me realise something.

I'm feeling quite low.

Christmas is coming and everyone is getting excited.

I should be getting excited but deep down I'm not.

Yes, I am struggling.

Struggling to make sense of such a cruel world. Struggling to make sense of everything. Struggling not to be torn apart knowing that friends are suffering.

I want to make this Christmas so special for my family. It's our first Christmas in our lovely new home. We are having the whole of downstairs decorated and there is lovely colour everywhere. TC is more aware of everything this year. MC is beside herself with excitement and she's top of her class in school too. We have so much to look forward to but I just can't shake this feeling I have.

I'm also feeling like a failure. Everywhere I turn on social media I see posts and photos of lovingly home-cooked meals. I see photos of amazing crafts, brilliant messy-play, amazing days out and lots of fun and happiness.

I know most people only post the good stuff but I wonder how these people have the time to do the things that they do? I sometimes feel like my kids are living on pasta and fish fingers most of the time and we don't get out and about enough.

I know my kids are happy and loved and that's what counts but I still feel like I'm letting them down.

I'm also trying to decide what to do about my blog.

I have seriously 'lost that blogging feeling'.

I started this blog to document my life as a stay-at-home-mum and to give myself and my children memories. I've let us all down. Somedays I feel like quitting but blogging has brought me so much. It's brought me unbelievable amounts of love and support. More importantly, it's brought some amazing friends into my life.

At the moment though I don't see how I can fit blogging in. I am desperately trying to spend time with TC. He's growing up so quickly and I don't want him to grow up. Knowing he's my last baby pulls at my heart a little. My days are filled with spending time with my children. When MC's at school and TC has his afternoon nap I'm sorting washing or tidying the house. When the kids go to bed I want to spend time with Matt. We get so little time together on our own that our evenings (when he's not away with work) are so precious. I love my husband so much and the evenings are our time. I don't see how social media is going to fit in?

At the time this post goes live I have 182 un-read emails in my inbox because I really can't face going through them and the more I ignore them, the more they build up.

Anyway, I think I'm my own worst enemy.

When I'm feeling like this I cut myself off. I shy away from social media and I stay in the house a lot.

It doesn't do me any good.

Thankfully I have mainly good days but I also have a few bad days.

Luckily I recognise the signs.

I need a plan.

I need to know what I'm doing and where I'm going or I have a feeling I'll lose myself (and my blog) along the way. I need to shake off this doom and gloom feeling. This feeling that something really bad is going to happen to me or my family.

I need to feel happy all the time again.

I need to know which way to turn.

Watch this space...

#MeAndMine - A Family Portrait (August)

August has passed by in a blur. I really can't believe how quick the summer holidays have gone.

It's gone that fast that even though we've had so many opportunities on days out to capture a special family photograph, sadly we haven't.

Big mummy fail.

Anyway, I've been taking a bit of a blogging/Twitter/Facebook break lately and today I realised it was the end of the month and I didn't have a photograph for Me and Mine. I thought I may skip this month but that's just crazy. Why let a whole month pass without a family photo when it's something I could get easily if I wanted to? So, armed with my iPhone and its reverse camera I took the photo below at 5.30pm.

We are all absolutely knackered but it was the first and only photo I took and it sums up the day for us.

You see, today was a special day.

Matt and I took Mini Cheddar to the cinema for her first time, out to lunch afterwards and then treated her to some Lego Friends. Yes, the day was just under £100 but it was totally worth it. MC starts full-time school on Wednesday and I will miss her terribly. It was lovely to get out and spoil her on her own as we don't get to do that. In fact, although I've been out with MC and Matt has separately, we've never been out with her on our own together since before the end of last March when Tiny Ched was born.

It did feel so strange being without TC though and the day has left me feeling somewhat emotionally exhausted. I kept thinking of others who have lost their children and it filled me with even more sadness than it usually does. The thought of not having TC in our lives just doesn't bear thinking about and I began to miss him so much. Judging by how clingy he's being with me this evening, I think he missed me too.

So this evening is a mix of emotions for me but I think you can tell from this photo that MC has had the best day ever.

And that's what matters most.

Guest Post...The Little Gang In Paris - Se Souvenir Des Belles Choses

Françoise, actually started her blog in June 2012 after moving to Paris with an 18 month old and another on the way. However, she only blogged 3 posts before starting officially in March this year.

The Little Gang In Paris is her blog about all the stories of their life over the other side of the channel and she blogs in both French and English! There's commitment for you.

Having known and met Multiple Mummy, this heartfelt post by Françoise made me cry. I think everyone in the blogging community and beyond (Françoise is also a friend of Jennie) is feeling very sensitive at the the moment. 

The title of this post in English is 'Remember the beautiful things' but I think it sounds much better in French. Considering English is not her first language, this reads beautifully.

Se souvenir des belles choses

This week I have read a blog that I hadn't heard about before (I have started blogging very recently). It was Multiple Mummy's blog. As I didn't know it, I read the "About' page. A minute later I was reading the "tribute to my beautiful wife". I had already grown an empathy for this woman and a minute later I was reading that she has passed away recently. 

I was left in shock.

Life is frail, very fail. 

Most of the time, you don't know it.

Most of the time, you ignore it, you forget it, you just don't think about the fact that you can die unexpectedly.

If we are honest with ourselves, we can only picture ourselves alive for a long time surrounded by our family and children. 

We cannot imagine that we might not be there to witness our children's life.

We cannot imagine that they might not be there with us for the rest of our life.

Yet, we, or they, could die, tomorrow, in a month, in ten years. 

We forget that we are only human until ...  we lose someone we cherish. 

Over the last four years, I have lost my father. He died of a cancer. 

I have lost a very dear friend. He was murdered for who knows what reason last August. 

And recently, friends well known in the blogging community in the UK have lost their baby girl. 

This has left me in a very deep state of sadness that I find hard sharing with other people, This has left me wondering about the beauty and cruelty of life. 

Because there is definitely beauty in life : one of the truest experiences of it is giving birth.

But there is also cruelty : why would you die before you've even had the time to live ? Why would such people, with so much happiness in them, have to die so early ? 

Because this is the common point between my dad, Paul and Matilda : so much happiness, so much joie de vivre.  

It makes it so much harder to go on for their loved ones.

But as sad as I am - and I have never been so sad in my life - I want, I need, to learn something from these tragedies. And they really are tragedies to me. 

We are in charge of our children's childhood. 

Them having wonderful memories of it is all down to us making it happen.

I don't know if I will be able to look back in the future and say that I have become the mother I wanted to be.

But this is what I want to aim for. 

This is the portrayal of the mother I want to be. 

This is the mother I wish my children say I was if I was to die tomorrow : 

A mother who loved her children,

A mother who told them everyday she did,

A mother who they could talk to,

A mother they trusted enough to confide when things were not ok,

A mother who made them laugh,

A mother who gave them a sense of curiosity, 

A mother who gave them a taste for adventure,

A mother who built their selfconfidence,

A mother who made sure they understood life had to be enjoyed fully, 

A mother who made sure they understood that family matters,

A mother who built their relationship as brother and sister,

A mother who truly played with them,

A mother who danced and sung with them, 

A mother who took them to as many places as she could,

A mother who made things by herself for them to play with, for them to wear...

A mother who tried to communicate her passions with them, not necessarily for them to have these passions, but for them to have passions of their own, for them to be open-minded.

I don't mean to sound arrogant. 

I have a lot to do to become this person. 

I'm not sure I will succeed. 

But this will steer me in the right direction.

I have written this yesterday and I realize that the person I want to be for my children is the person my dad was for me. 

He really was an awesome father and I miss him dearly. 

You can find Françoise here
http://thelittleganginparis.blogspot.fr
https://twitter.com/Themafiainparis

2nd May - Tilda's Day

It's just a date, right?

Well, yes it is, of course.

But this is a date that will be in many people's hearts and minds for the rest of their lives.

A date when an amazing mother and father should have been celebrating the 1st birthday of their beautiful baby girl, Matilda Mae.

It's not right.

It's not fair.

I've been struggling all week. Not knowing what to write. My heart is heavy and my mind can't concentrate.

I have a book that I write in each day that my best friend bought me. It's a five year book that asks a question each day, so you can compare your answers over 5 years. A couple of weeks back the words read something like "I wish I could stop ____________ from happening".

I wrote 'cot death'.

I don't think my answer will change, even by 2018.

As I look at Tiny Ched, I think of Tilda and everything she should be. Everything that Jennie and David have lost.

2nd May will be a date, just like 2nd February and 7th March that will live with me forever.

Pink angel slices for a sweet angel

I've made plans for today. Plans to celebrate Matilda's short life and honour her birthday in some small way. I'm meeting Susanne and Lisa with our children for a picnic in the park. We are meeting where we will be walking a mile in memory of Matilda in less than two weeks.

We are going to blow bubbles and enjoy pink treats. I'm also dressing myself and the kids in pink and purple.

There will be lots of tears (I have invested in a multipack of tissues) but there will be happiness too. Susanne and I have a unique bond from our journey to Tilda's funeral and back and I know, when I see her tomorrow, all those memories will come flooding back.

We will, as we have done everyday, think of David, Jennie and Matilda Mae.

Then tonight, as the sun sets on 2nd May, I will be lighting a candle for Matilda as her parents say goodbye to their precious little girl in a way that Jennie describes so beautifully.

It's something no parent should have to do and I hope they somehow find the strength to get through it.

It's not just a date. It's a remembrance and a celebration.

Of a short life.

Of a life of love and beauty.

It's also a time to reflect.

Of what could have been.

Of what should have been.

2nd May.

A date that will never be forgotten.

Tilda's day.

Happy 1st Birthday in the sky sweet angel xx

I've blogged before about an auction taking place in memory of Matilda Mae. This auction will be running from 11th May - 20th May 2013 with all proceeds going to The Lullaby Trust (formerly FSID).  They help support families, like Jennie's, who have experienced the loss of a baby from sudden infant death syndrome. 

There is an ever growing list of generous people and companies who have donated to the auction and full details of everything available will be online soon. Please help support the auction in any way you can by bidding, tweeting, posting on Facebook, emailing etc. Get the word out there!

If you require any further information, you can contact Jennie or Susanne.

This post was written as part of a blog hop for Matilda's 1st Birthday. You can view the other entries here:

In A Strange Place

I'm in a strange place at the moment.

I'm extremely busy, my head is all over the place. After a few rocky weeks, life is beginning to look good.

Really good.

So why don't I feel good?

I can't help but feel for others.

My heart aches for them. Literally aches.

I'm so busy but I'm finding it so hard to concentrate.

I have some friends that are going through seriously bad times at the moment. Times that you wouldn't wish on anyone. Times that no-one can really begin to understand unless you've been there yourself.

Really bad times.

One of my closest friends is facing a hard time. Her and her husband are the one of the nicest couples you could meet and her husband is great. Always willing to help anyone. A grafter.

A real grafter.

He's hands on with everything and, if you were going to describe him, he'd be the definition of 'diamond geezer'.

He's someone you want as your friend.

Anyway, they are on the verge of having everything they've worked so hard for taken away through no fault of their own.

It makes me feel mad.

It also makes me feel guilty.

I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. Little pangs of guilt that everything is going so well for us while their world is being turned upside-down. It's just not fair.

I try to tell myself that everything is happening to us because we've worked hard for it. I like to think that Matt and I are good people. We are always there for our family and friends if they need us. We see our family and friends regularly. We both give monthly donations to charity and have done for years. I volunteer (although I am taking a small break at the moment but still doing bits from home) in my local Save The Children shop one day a week. We aren't religious but we lead honest and decent lives. In a nutshell...we do our bit.

But my friends work hard too.

They are good people too.

So why is this happening to them?

At the moment I can't make sense of the world. There doesn't seem to be any justice. News this year from a range of friends has just been awful. I look around at all the pain and sadness and I feel really angry.

And guilty.

There's that word again. Guilt.

Why am I feeling like this?

I should be happy.

But I'm not.

As I say, I'm in a strange place at the moment.

Tiny Ched 1 Today!

It's a happy day today.

Tiny Ched was born a year ago.

I can't believe my beautiful baby boy is 1.

I say it's a happy day but there's a bit of me that's sad. Those who know me or read my blog will know why, so I won't go into detail, but let's just say I have so much to be thankful for. Today, as well as enjoying TC's birthday, I am also thinking of others less fortunate.

TC is such a gorgeous little boy. He's happy, smiley, cuddley, inquisitive, charming and, most importantly, loves his sleep. He's given us so much joy and is loved by all - especially his big sister.

He's not really near to walking yet (a lot later than his sister who was walking by this age) but he can free-stand and cruises with ease. He's doing some lovely things - waving, clapping his hands and doing high fives etc. Watching him learn through play each day is incredible. He also does the cutest 'head tilt' you've ever seen. Unfortunately he's not too well at the moment but we are going to try and make the best of the day.

So Happy Birthday, Tiny Ched. We love you very much xx

28th March 2012

28th March 2013

One Week On - #MatildaMae

It's been a week since we said goodbye to Matilda Mae.

A week.

7 whole days.

It seems like an age already but at the same time it only seems like yesterday.

I knew that if Jennie was happy for blogging friends to go to the church that I wanted to be there. I wanted to give Jennie a big hug. I'd not seen her since she was pregnant with Tilda. I got to give her lots of hugs last week.

It was actually the saddest and most emotionally draining day of my life. But, it was also an amazing day. A day when I saw how much love, strength and dignity Jennie and David have. A day when I saw family and friends celebrate a beautiful little girls 9 months on this earth. A day when I saw tears and a day when I saw smiles.

I'll admit it. I cried. I actually sobbed.

A lot.

Jennie had put so much thought and planning into Tilda's goodbye and it was amazing.

It was beautiful.

The love inside that church was incredible and is something that will stay with me forever.

Seeing Jennie and David walk down the church aisle. Seeing a broken family. Seeing Baby Tilda's tiny woollen coffin carried by David. Seeing the love and tributes. Seeing the pink and purple. Seeing the beautiful photo montages and words put together by family and friends. Seeing and sharing the beautiful memories.

At one point I didn't think I'd be able to get up and speak but I did. Susanne and I took to the front of the church (shaking like jelly) and we read. I read a goodbye introduction I'd written, Susanne read a small piece she'd written and then we both read these amazing words by Merry. I'm thankful to Merry for providing us with something so powerful. Something to make the blogging community come to life for those that didn't understand it's importance.

I'm so thankful for a lot of things.

I'm thankful to Susanne (and her wonderful Mum who gave me a bed the night before) for her immense support. We held each other. We held each other so much.

Tightly.

I'm also thankful to the lovely ladies I met for the first time. Millie, Monika, Keira, Ruth and Sarah. We shared something very special that day. We shared tears, hugs and smiles. We shared friendship.

Most of all though, I am thankful to Jennie for having me as part of Tilda's goodbye. I'm thankful to her for the love, strength and beauty that radiates from her. Her smile. Her love. Jennie was the ultimate reason that Susanne and I were able to speak. She is one amazing woman.

I will never forget that day.

I will never forget Jennie.

I will never forget her hugging us goodbye and telling us to hold our little ones tight.

But most of all I will never ever forget Baby 'Tiger'.

Jennie, Susanne and Ruth have written beautiful posts which capture the day perfectly. I didn't want to duplicate too much of what's already been said so I urge you to read their words:

Jennie @ edspire.co.uk
Susanne @ ghostwritermummy.co.uk
Ruth @ rocknrollerbaby

In my last post I mentioned about 'Mile In Memory Walks' that are being organised across the UK for 11am on May 11th. I will be part of the North West one in Salford. We will be raising money for FSID's (the cot death charity). There's a little DONATE button on the top right of my blog. Please read more about why we are doing this and please give whatever you can - even if it's just £1. Every little helps to stop another family being broken. Also, if you can donate something to the online auction which will take place the same day - please contact one of us. I will blog more about it in the coming weeks. Thank you for any support you can give us.

Goodbye #MatildaMae - My Words

I've scheduled this post to go live automatically at 10.15am today.

10.15am on March 7th 2013.

The time and date I think will be in the hearts and minds of many people forever.

The time and date we say goodbye to precious Matilda Mae - beloved 9 month old daughter of Jennie and David.

I feel honoured that Jennie would like me to speak at Tilda's funeral. She's asked me to mention when she told me she was expecting Matilda. I'm not going to lie though I'm terrified but I want, with all my heart, to do a good job. I'll have Susanne there to hold my hand and I, in turn, will be there for her when she speaks.

I think the youngest persons funeral I ever attended was 20 years old (a school friend). I never expected to be at the funeral of someone so young but...9 months old.

9 months!

I am still struggling to believe it all.

As this post goes live, so many people will be thinking of Jennie and David and holding their hands, either in person or virtually. Social media will be alight with thoughts and prayers for them and I know they will take great comfort in this.

Whatever you do today, promise me this. Hold your children extra tight. If you don't have children then hold a loved one tight. Tell them you love them. You really never know what life will throw at you.

I'm now going to end by sharing what I have written to say at the funeral*. I just hope I have the strength to get through it for Jennie xx

********************************

If you've not been part of an online community before, you may find it difficult to understand exactly what it means.

How can you care so much about people you've never met before?

The world of blogging is an extraordinary place. It's a world of love and support. It's a world where there's always someone to listen. It's a world where you can laugh. It's a world where you can cry. It's a world where we share our lives. Our highs and our lows. Our ins and outs. You may not be able to get a physical hug but you get the most incredible level of love and friendship that, sometimes, it can completely take your breath away.

I've met Jennie before but, sadly, I never got the chance to meet beautiful Baby Tilda. The first time I met Jennie I knew about the incredible secret her and David were carrying. You see, Jennie told me she was pregnant with Matilda before she announced it to the blogging community. Only her family and her best friend knew. She told me as I had just announced I was pregnant too and she was bursting to let someone else know. I remember her excitement at finally being able to tell me and I felt honoured to be carrying her secret too. We met at The Mad Blog Awards where we sipped soft drinks and shared nibbles to fight off early pregnancy sickness.

There were a large group of ugs all pregnant at the same time. And, even though some of us had never met each other we all shared such an incredible journey. Through our blogs, Facebook, Twitter etc. we all exchanged our thoughts, excitement and fears about our pregnancies and the highs and lows of those first months of babyhood.

Through Jennie's writing we all grew to love Matilda as a part of this amazing community. A community that has been completely rocked by the tragic loss of such a beautiful baby girl. A community that will never be the same again.

Rest in peace Baby Tilda.

Photo by kind permission of Jennie xx

On Saturday 11th May 2013 (what would be just over a week after Matilda would have celebrated her 1st birthday) we will be walking a 'Mile In Memory of Matilda Mae' to raise money for FSID's. You can read more about it on Jennie's blog and I will be writing a blog post in the coming weeks with details of the North West event.

* These words are correct at the time of writing my blog post. They may be different to what I actually say as we are still working with all the speeches and we will be reading words from others too or we may not be speaking at all  

It's My Last Day Today

*blows big teary snot bubbles into a man size pack of tissues*

Yes, this is it.

I'm due to have a baby in a few weeks so I have to say (a hopefully temporary) goodbye to the Save The Children shop that I've volunteered in for the past year or so.

Today is my last official day and I'm going to miss it SO much.

I know I bang on about my volunteering work a lot. It's not that I am trying to big myself up. There are so many people who do vast amounts of charity work - they are amazing.  All I do is spend a few hours each week helping out in the shop.

No, it's because I get so much from it and want to spread the word on how doing something like this can make you feel soooo good.

Yes, I volunteer for ME.

There, I said it.

Yes, I decided to volunteer to help a charity but it's become more than that. I volunteer to meet new people, to gain new skills, to enjoy myself, to get something more out of life - something different.

Becoming a volunteer has given me a new lease of life.

All I have to say is that if you have any time whatsoever, please please PLEASE consider helping your local charity shop. Have a look at what Save The Children have to say about volunteering - there are a variety of roles that you can get involved with.

If you'd like to read my journey over the past year as a volunteer then please check out the Save The Children link at the top of my blog.

In the meantime, whilst I'm not working at the shop I will continue to blog about Save The Children as my chosen 'blog' charity. At the end of December I blogged that I was part of the #66cities campaign for the charter to end hunger. Just to let you know that my letters were heard by the MP's and sent to David Cameron and I received replies in January. Just doing something simple like this helps the efforts of Save The Children. I was invited by Save The Children to deliver the petition to No.10 but I was away on holiday unfortunately.

Don't leave it too late. Get involved. Every action, however small, helps.

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today I was excited.

A year ago today I was nervous.

A year ago today I started a new 'job'.

I say 'job' rather loosely. I don't get paid anything for the work I do but I absolutely love it.

My little corner of the charity world

Yes, can you believe it? A year ago today (well, okay, officially it's Saturday this year but let's not be picky) at this time I started volunteering at my local Save The Children shop every Friday. I honestly don't know where the year has gone - I've loved every moment of it. Volunteering gives me such a buzz and I love being able to help out and also share my experiences on my blog.

I was only supposed to volunteer between 9.30am and 1pm every Friday but most of the time I'm there until 4pm when the shop closes. I love the people I work with. I love the customers. Did I mention I love it?

My day can vary so much. Most of the time I'm customer facing - working on the shop floor sorting merchandise and working the till. Sometimes I'm upstairs sorting through donations and even steaming clothes (considering I very rarely get the iron out at home this is quite something!). There is always so much to do and no two days are ever the same.

I'm almost 35 weeks pregnant right now and my last official day at 'work' will be Friday 9th March. I'm gutted. I love that shop so much that they are even mentioned in my will that I made last November.

I am going to go back as soon as I can but it will be difficult for a while. I will continue as much as I can doing good through this blog and that will have to do for now. I'll have an update on that soon.

For now, I'm going to enjoy my last few weeks 'working' and feel ever thankful that I followed my heart and decided to volunteer.

A 2 Year Old's Guide To Losing A Pet

It's been a week today since I was at that vets where they put my 15 year old dog to sleep.

This has upset me more than I ever imagined.

"I miss Betty"

But what about Mini Cheddar?

She had to come to the vets with me as I had no-one to watch her. Neither of us witnessed them putting Betty to sleep. We had all walked into the vets together - Mummy, daughter and pooch...and then MC and I left alone, me just clutching a pile of tissues the vet had handed me along with a lead and Bettys precious collar.

MC asked me as we walked out the vets "What about Betty?"

I couldn't answer. I could barely see through the haze of tears, let alone speak.

MC asked me on the way home in the car "Where is Betty, Mummy?"

I told her that Betty was going on a long holiday.

"When will she be home?"

"She's not coming home sweetie, it's a special holiday" I sniffed.

When we got in the house I was a mess. I dearly wanted to be strong. To hide it from her, but I couldn't. MC just handed me tissues and kept saying "It's okay Mummy, Betty will be home soon".

Then she started playing with her Duplo bricks and built a tall tower.

"Look Mummy, I've built this tower. When Betty sees it she will come home".

Now she still builds towers all the time and places them in front of the picture I have of Betty in the lounge. She talks about Betty a lot and I really hope it stays that way as I do want MC to remember her. She even asked for a photo of her and Betty for her bedroom.

Betty and MC - as seen on her bedside table

What breaks my heart is how our routine has changed and how much MC has noticed. Every morning we would go downstairs together into the kitchen and let Betty outside into the garden. Now, every morning without fail, MC comes into our bedroom and says "Is Betty Dogface downstairs?". She opens the cupboard in the kitchen which once housed 'Betty's biscuits' and says "But there's nothing in here Mummy!". She used to love feeding Betty her dog biscuits.

MC has been sad, standing where Betty's bed once sat and asking where she is but she's not been upset about it as she doesn't really understand.

Although, somehow she knows whenever I look sad or get upset that I need a cuddle and to hear the words "I know...you miss Betty, Mummy" and then gives me a kiss and pats my back.

I think 2 year olds are far more switched on than we sometimes give them credit for.

I'm so thankful for my beautiful girl and how caring she is. I couldn't have got through the last week without her.

Silent Sunday #38

Inspired by

My Dog Is Dead

I didn't know what to title this post. I couldn't come up with the right words. I thought of emotional titles, I thought of heartwarming titles. The thing is, the fact remains.

Bamburgh Beach - 2007

My dog is dead.

Sounds brutal but it's the truth and at the moment I feel so numb it's untrue.

I thought I was prepared for this moment. I'd talked about 'this day' coming and I knew at almost 16 years of age she didn't have long with us but it's hit me badly.

If she'd just died in her sleep of old age I may have been able to handle it better but yesterday morning I was faced with that awful decision in the veterinary surgery - the decision that every pet owner dreads.

I had to put my dog to sleep.

It didn't help that my husband was away down in London and my parents were on holiday - plus I'm pregnant! I felt so alone.

I had to take Mini Cheddar with me as I had no-one to look after her. It didn't help that she was being very 'difficult' so I was trying to talk to the vet between my sobs whilst MC is running around the surgery having removed her wellies!

I know there will be people reading this who are thinking "it's just a dog, get over it". If that's you then please don't comment, I really don't want to hear it.

Sleeping - 2008

Betty was more than a dog, she was a massive part of my life for so long and, even though she was old and didn't run about as much as she used to, the house feels so empty without her.

She was such a loving little dog to those who really knew her. She could be a nasty piece of work when she was younger and she never got on with other dogs, she would regularly see off even the biggest of dogs if they got too close for comfort.

I feel sad that I haven't been able to give her the attention she has needed in these last couple of years of her life. I blogged about Betty at the beginning of the year when I realised how old she was getting. Her quality of life these past 6 months or so had gone downhill fast, she had cataracts and could hardly hear and what finally got her was an infection in her back legs. She was too old to undergo anaesthetic and the pain and lengthy treatment without it was something I couldn't have put her through.

"What would you do?" I asked the vet.

I knew her answer before she even spoke.

Meeting Mini Cheddar - 2009

So at 9.45am yesterday Betty was put to sleep. The thing that upsets me most is that I couldn't be there when she went because of MC. I had to wait in the echoey waiting room and just listen as I heard them shave her leg in preparation for the injection.

I was awake at 5am this morning crying. I'm wracked with guilt about my decision. I know it was for the best but I can't help it, it's one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make.

MC said to me this morning "I miss Betty" (we've told her she's gone on a long holiday and won't be coming back).

"I miss her too, sweetie" I say "I miss her too".

The Day I Cried In The Tesco Cafe

Monday 1st August 2011 to be exact.

It wasn't due to the fact I have grown a hatred for Tesco and their awful customer service. No, it was something much deeper than that.

I was happy deep down and I guess they were tears of joy mixed with tears of confusion and the unknown.

For only 2 hours before the water works started in the cafe, my husband and I had just clapped eyes on this.

I know I announced my pregnancy with my Silent Sunday post and shocked you all (sorry), it's been hard to keep a secret from everyone and we only told our own parents the other weekend. Yes it's been the 'real' reason I haven't been blogging much as I've felt quite rubbish if I'm perfectly honest. Life has been a bit crazy for the last couple of months. There have been ups and downs - elation, happiness, sickness, tears, extreme exhaustion and confusion.  Oh and not to mention the whole headache scare last week. Thankfully, as I write this, today is the first day in well over a week that I haven't had a severe headache. I actually feel like I've been reborn (dramatic eh?).

Anyway, this pregnancy was planned. Completely planned.

So why cry?

I can only describe the moment, that exact moment when my pregnancy hunger and craving for meat (more on that another time) led me to stop off for a bacon sandwich at Tesco cafe only 2 hours after consuming my breakfast at home! Yes my waistline (and arse) is expanding rapidly.

I was with Mini Cheddar and we both sat next to each other on the sofa.  Maybe it was the fact she was secretly after some of my bacon butty (probably, knowing her!) but she looked at me, put her head on one side, put her hand on my hand and said "I love you Mummy". It was if she just knew.

That was enough in my emotional, newly pregnant state for the floodgates to open.

Being a stay-at-home mum means that MC pretty much gets my undivided attention. In 6 months time that will change and it's going to be a big learning curve for both of us. Back to having a new baby for my husband and I. Having a sibling for Mini Cheddar.

Here's to the journey of pregnancy and birth again and all it brings with it.

Gone Far Too Soon

It's strange how things happen sometimes.

Every year about this time I always think about an old school friend of mine.

Then, as I'm clearing away some things in the house this week this photograph on the left drops out onto the floor - it's a photo I've not seen in a long time.

A group of friends, about 14 years old, I'm guessing, crammed into a photo booth just for fun. All 8 of us, so full of hopes and dreams.

Incase you're wondering, that's me on the left with the fuzzy fringe.

So what's strange about this photo making an appearance this week? Well, the girl above me is no longer with us. Katie was killed on this very day back in 1995. Her life snatched from her in a car crash at the tender age of 20.

I think her death affected me more than I let on as I still think about her now, 16 years on and think about what she would have achieved. Her life was pretty perfect, she was young, beautiful and extremely talented.

I still think about how her funeral was the first funeral I'd ever been to and I still remember the faces of her parents and her younger sisters walking behind the coffin.

I remember how one of my friends mothers picked us (two friends and myself) up after the funeral. My friend had a mother you didn't mess with, she was permanently moody (I kid you not) but her mood that day was so warm and affectionate, like nothing I'd ever seen before. It was probably the fact that the 3 of us were all propping each other up in pool of tears or maybe it was just a strange relief that it wasn't her daughter who had been taken from her. Now I'm a parent myself I understand more about how all our parents must have felt when this tragedy hit the community.

I still remember how I hadn't seen Katie for such a long time as she'd been away at Uni then about a week before the accident I'd bumped into her in the local pub. We'd shared some talk and a hug.

Then this happened. 

As I say, it's strange how things happen sometimes.

No More Park Life

It's only a few weeks since the mindless violence of the riots were splashed all over the media. I avoided taking to my blog about it, I didn't see the point as it would have just got me riled. I was just one of the millions of people who sat open-mouthed at the 'idiots' who thought they were above the law for those few days. I'm just glad Mini Cheddar was young enough to be completely sheltered from the images that graced our TV screens and webpages.

See Saw Marjory Daw

Although there's something that's impacting on her right now that is getting me a bit hot under the collar.

We are lucky enough to live in quite a sought-after area with a lovely play park which is just moments from our house. As residents we pay a management fee for the area we live in which pays for the upkeep of the public areas, the play equipment and insurance of the park. We don't mind, it was something that was part of the house we bought. Mini Cheddar gets so much enjoyment from the park that it pays for itself practically on a daily basis.

However, the day we returned from holiday (14th June) there was a note through the door from the chairman of the management committee to say the park was closed due to vandalism.

It's not the first time. The park was shut last year as someone had damaged the seesaw badly.

Even when the park is open it's subject to the handiwork of the youths. The pictures below were taken before we went on holiday as we played in the park one day. 

                           

However this time it wasn't just stupid graffiti.


They have now taken knives or some other sharp instruments and dug up large chunks of the blue flooring - it's in such a mess.


That was well over two months ago now and the damn park is still shut.

As residents we are responsible for the upkeep of the park which obviously has an impact on the insurance so we've had no alternative other than to close the park until we can put new flooring down. This has to be paid for out of our pot of money.

Access denied

I fully appreciate that the young people of today (man, I sound old) are bored, government cutbacks mean youth services around the country are being closed but is that really an excuse to vandalise young children's play parks? I'm 36 (almost 37 *sob*) so grew up in the 80's - we didn't have the video games or gadgets that the youths of today have but I never went around vandalising things.  

I know I sound all high and mighty, I know I sound like a total 'do-gooder' and I know I sound like a miserable bag but every time we pass the park Mini Cheddar looks so sad and asks me why 'her' park is closed. I'm just frustrated that's all.

You Got No Ice Cream!

I was driving along the other day when I got stuck behind some slow moving traffic going up a hill.

What was holding the traffic up? An elderly person driving 10mph? A tractor? A scooter? No, it was an ice cream van.

I live on a 'new build estate' where the houses are only 4/5 years old and I've never seen an ice cream van around here.  That makes me really sad.

Talk about tasteless!

When I was younger the ice cream van would always come around at the weekends.  I remember the look on my parents faces before I heard the chimes as my Sister and I would be busy playing.  It was so obvious my parents hearing was fine tuned and primed ready to try and distract us when they heard the fatal tune. They would look at each other as if to say "Oh shit, did you hear that? It's the ice cream van...quick distract the kids before they hear it".

"MUM!  DAD!  Can we have an ice cream pleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaase?

Too late.

I see ice cream vans quite a bit, usually at retail parks or in public parks like this rather lovely (!) one I snapped at Longton Park a few weeks back. I just don't see them on housing estates.  Well not ours anyway.

Do they still do it or is it dying out?  Do Mums and Dads now keep a stock of ice creams in the freezer?  I know we buy ice creams from the supermarket occasionally but it's always nice to buy one from the ice cream man as a special treat.

I'm really sad that Mini Cheddar won't be able to experience that full on excitement* of hearing the ice cream van in the distance and then hounding me for money.


....


*Talking about this makes me think about that famous Eddie Murphy stand-up sketch from Delirious which you can view here on You Tube.  A WARNING though - it contains bad language so only click on it when the kids are in bed and if you won't take offence!

Education And Estrogen

I know...usually us Brits call it 'Oestrogen' but cut me some slack...it didn't quite fit right in my blog post title so I'm adopting the other way of spelling it.  Besides, one of my blogging besties Lady Estrogen wouldn't be happy now would she?

Mini Cheddar is already signed up to start Play School this September but I hadn't got her signed up for 'proper' school.  I've had the form for a while but it wasn't until my friend said I'd better get it in last week that I sprung into action. I know, bad mummy! We are quite lucky in that there are 2 great schools within walking distance from our house but there is one that I would prefer her to attend.

So, I filled the form in and rather than post it I decided to drop the form in to the school on my way back home from shopping last week.

Big mistake.

See, the thing is I was quite emotional as it was 'that' time of the month.  You know... the time when any usually serene and angelic woman turns into a mega-bitch from hell?  The time of the month when you could quite easily feel like stabbing someone if they look at you the wrong way one minute or burst into tears watching a dumb TV commercial the next? Yup, if you're a woman, you'll know exactly what I mean.

So, I walked into the school with Mini Cheddar and it was fabulous, very organised but very friendly.  All the staff greeted me warmly and I was taken inside for more of a look around.  They interacted with Mini Cheddar and got her talking (she can be a little shy with strangers) whilst I sorted out where the form was to go.  Next thing I know Mini Cheddar was wanting to leave me to join in with all the school children and even indicated that she wanted to wear the uniform.

All of a sudden, I became aware of overwhelming emotions building up inside of me and I was struggling to hold back tears.  I can't quite describe what I was feeling. A sense of my baby girl growing up, her spreading her wings, the thought of her embarking on an education journey that I wouldn't be able to hold her hand through properly.  I don't know what exactly it was.  I was going to put it entirely down to my crazy hormones but even as I'm sat here typing this post I still feel the same.

I carried Mini Cheddar out of the school, got in the car and then the floodgates opened.

I couldn't stop crying.

If this is what I'm like now, I really need to buy some shares in Kleenex or something before she does start school.

Broken Bird

The other day my daughter and I went out for a walk together. Mini Cheddar was proudly pushing her pram with Minnie Mouse and Pluto in. Yes, all the dolls get thrown away to make way for Disney characters!

We left home, stopped off at the bank, then went by the duck pond on the way to the local shop.  On the way I saw a dead pigeon on the grass verge.  I tried to steer Mini Cheddar away from it but was too late, she doesn't miss a trick.

"Aw broken bird" she said pointing at the poor bird and the mass of feathers surrounding it.  Then she looked up and me with sad eyes and said "Poor bird".

It made me smile even though it was a sad thing to see.

Before she went to bed we were talking (I use the term loosely as she's only just turned 2) about her day and she recalled the 'broken bird'. She looked sad again and said "Mummy fix bird".

It choked me up.

Isn't it amazing how children look at things through different eyes to us? Innocent eyes.  Eyes that see the world in a better way than we do most of the time.

I've had a lot of things niggling away at me recently.  Things that keep me awake at night. Things that matter. Things that don't. If only I could take Mini Cheddars way of seeing things from time to time, maybe it would help.

I think sometimes we can learn such a lot from our children. Their innocence is a great joy to experience and one to treasure forever.

I don't want her to grow up.








Note: I'd just like to point out that I'm not in the habit of photographing dead pigeons.  Pigeons getting jiggy with it maybe but this pigeon passing was a one-off - promise!

I'm Not MAD...I'm A Bit Sad

I wasn't going to do this.  I told myself I wouldn't blog about it but the more and more I think about it the more I feel I have to.

Basically, the MAD Blog Awards are underway - they celebrate the best parenting bloggers in the UK. When the nomination form went live last week I saw posts popping up asking for nominations and I felt a little dubious about it. Maybe it's because I'm a new blogger or maybe it's just because it came on the back of the whole Tots 100 controversy.

For those of you who didn't hear (although you'd have to be on another planet not to) there was a big hooha - I've just discovered hooha is also a word used for vagina, I did not know that - anyway, yes there was a big hooha about a lot of people dropping way down in the Tots 100 ranking last week. Some people took to their blogs whilst others took to Twitter.

A few of you know that I felt extremely uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Why? Because I'd only been blogging 3 months and I went up 200 places from 262 to 62 so I made it inside the top 100.  I know I should have felt happy but I didn't, I felt rotten. I felt awful because there are so many amazing blogs ranked way below me that should be above me. Yes I've worked hard on my blog, I take time out to talk to people, I try and join in with great memes as well as ramble on with my own posts (not always poo related) but I just don't feel like I deserve to be above some of the people on there.  I actually lost sleep over it. I know, I worry too much!

I'm not a competitive person in the slightest and I think the rankings and ratings brings out a side sometimes that I just don't like and I just didn't feel happy with the whole situation. I got over it after a few days though and moved on.

THEN, the first taster of who had been nominated for the MADs came out on Monday and I was on there. I was alerted via Twitter and excitedly clicked straight on the Best New Blog....I was there.  I was happy. This was the one I was kind of hoping I may get nominated for. Just to be nominated was enough, I don't expect to go on and win it.  I struggled to vote for this myself as there are so many amazing new blogs out there so I voted for the one that, when I first started blogging I never realised was a relatively new blog. I think that's the sign of a great new blog.

Then I started looking through the other nominations to check the people I'd voted for were on there. I was on quite a few of them too. Anyone who knows me in real life knows I can be a little insecure and I shy away from attention, hence my feelings on the Tots 100 ranking.  Maybe it stems from my Dad being on the local Carnival Committee when I was young and to 'make up the numbers' he made me enter Miss Mynydd Isa one year and I slipped over walking in front of the judges! Who knows? Damn, I should have saved that story for another post!  I've also blogged about my issues with shying away from attention here.

I sat in stunned silence and felt that awkward uncomfortable feeling like I did with the Tots 100. My real life friend Alyson over at Alysons Blog has taken the decision to remove herself from the nominations.  I thought about following her lead but I don't think I need to. I think I just need to be open about my feelings on the awards I have been nominated for.

Looking through the nominations I think there are some AMAZING blogs on there, blogs that really truly deserve to be there. There are also some blogs that I don't think should be on there (me included) but that's just my opinion, I guess these awards can be interpreted in different ways. Looking through some of the categories I've been nominated for makes me a little bit sad (an embarrassed sad) if I'm honest.

This is what I have been put forward for:

Best Family Fun Blog (blogs that inspire to get out and have fun with our families)
I don't think I should be in this category.  I did do a post about Mini Cheddar learning through play and have done a few others and some Gallery and Silent Sunday photos about it but that's it.  My blog doesn't inspire people to get out and have fun with their families - there are so many great blogs that do.

Best Family Life Blog (blogs that don't fit into a niche like craft or cooking etc.)
I guess I could just about see why I'd been nominated in this but the list of nominations in amazing and there are some great family life blog examples there.

Best New Blog (blogs that have made a big impression before their first birthday)
This was the one that I hoped I was nominated for so THANK YOU.  I've only been blogging 3 and a half months and I know that a lot of people are amazed when I tell them that - that is the biggest compliment ever.

Best Writer (blogs that we love for their writing)
This made me feel uncomfortable.  Seems whoever voted me for this loves their poo posts!  Thank you but honestly, I'm no George Orwell. There are some amazing people out there who write brilliantly.

Blogger Of The Year (all round blogger who moves, inspires and entertains us)
Well, I'm clearly moving people with my poo posts so why not?  No, seriously...I've only been blogging a short while, there are some amazing bloggers that I adore out there so if you're stuck for who to go for I can point you in the right direction!

Most Inspiring Blogger (those who inspire us with their words, courage or amazing spirit)
Like Alyson, this was the one that made me feel the most uncomfortable about the whole thing when I saw it. I should actually laugh - I'm not inspiring at all.  I mentioned this on Twitter and the lovely Claire over at The Grumpinator - Wean Machine said it was her who nominated me for this.  I was really touched but asked her why.  She emailed me with a lovely response but still, I honestly don't feel worthy of this.  Thank you again though Claire.  There are some incredibly inspiring bloggers out there, there are bloggers who I sit in awe of at their lives and their writing and bloggers who despite hardship, illness and family troubles are always positive and it really shines through in their blogs.

Post Of The Year (a post which celebrates a stroke of genius and stands out in the last 12 months)
I was honestly a little chuffed that my (I'll say it again as you can never have too much poo in one post) poo post made the list!  I've actually done a follow-up here if you fancy reading it (are you mad?).  I too voted for the post that made me smile the most so I'm glad that someone saw fit to smile enough to vote for it.

Best Pre-School Fun Blog (celebrate blogs with children aged 1-4)
Well, I guess my blog fits into that category so I don't have much of an argument for that one do I?  The lovely Liska at New Mum Online voted for me on this one I believe.  Thank you again Liska. Again though, there are far more worthy blogs than mine.


What I'm trying to say in a long-winded way, as usual, is that you should vote for the blogs that you truly 100% think deserve these awards.  Please PLEASE vote wisely. The blogs rely on the amount of nominations they receive to take them through to the next round so I'm hoping that the right blogs go through.

I'd also like to say a massive THANK YOU to those who have voted for me - even though a few of the nominations don't sit comfortably with me that doesn't mean I'm not extremely grateful.  I haven't divulged my blog to my friends and family so it's nice to know that people who actually read my blog and haven't met me in real life have voted for me.

If you haven't voted yet, take time to think about who you really care about in the blogging world.  You can use the link below (or the one on the side of my blog) to go through and vote.