When A Friend Loses A Baby #MMRemembers

Almost a year ago today Susanne and I were relative strangers, having met once at an event. Almost a year ago today we travelled together to Kent to the funeral of another relative stranger, Jennie, who'd lost her baby girl to SIDS.

A year.

A whole year.

It only seems like yesterday now.

7th March 2013.

We stood together in that church shaking, crying and holding hands and we spoke. Spoke about Matilda's legacy and the blogging community.

A lot has happened in that year.

Sadness. So much sadness.

But one thing I am so glad of. One thing I'll always be glad of.

We have all become good friends.

Today, as this post goes live, Susanne and I will be back at that little church in Kent to speak together again at Matilda Mae Remembers - a service to remember all the babies in the sky.

I wanted to share our words with you today…

One year ago we stood here in tears

as we tried so hard to explain

how Matilda had touched so many lives

how many were feeling the pain.

We're not sure we realised how hard it would be

to see a friend suffer like that

to see a friend say goodbye -

nothing can prepare you for that.

But we know that this is not our grief

we do not have the right

to cry and to feel sad and wish so hard

that things were different that night.

All we can tell you is all that we know

that seeing a friend suffer is hard.

Watching her move through the days as she does

with achingly empty arms.

***

When a friend loses a baby your world starts to rock - 

It's all so surreal and you're left feeling shocked.

You read the words over and it doesn't sink in,

You know not what to do, nor where to begin.

When a friend loses a baby you weep for her loss,

You mourn, you feel low, but you also get cross.

How could this baby be taken away?

On what was to us just a normal day?

When a friend loses a baby you know not what to say,

It's at time like this that you wish you could pray.

But you know that nothing will bring the comfort she needs,

You sit and watch as her broken heart bleeds.

When a friend loses a baby you stumble and fall,

You cuddle your little ones tight in a ball.

Sleep doesn't come easy; you are always aware,

Checking on breathing and stroking their hair.

When a friend loses a baby you feel helpless and scared,

Her baby's been taken and yours was spared.

And then the guilt hits - you know what you've got,

You have your baby and your friend does not.

When a friend loses a baby you know that she hides,

The things she is feeling deep down inside.

Her smile is a mask since that night with the cot,

People tell her she's strong, but really she's not.

When a friend loses a baby there is not much to do,

Except to hope it's enough to be you.

When a friend loses a baby I guess she just needs,

Some time and some space to just simply grieve.

In A Strange Place

I'm in a strange place at the moment.

I'm extremely busy, my head is all over the place. After a few rocky weeks, life is beginning to look good.

Really good.

So why don't I feel good?

I can't help but feel for others.

My heart aches for them. Literally aches.

I'm so busy but I'm finding it so hard to concentrate.

I have some friends that are going through seriously bad times at the moment. Times that you wouldn't wish on anyone. Times that no-one can really begin to understand unless you've been there yourself.

Really bad times.

One of my closest friends is facing a hard time. Her and her husband are the one of the nicest couples you could meet and her husband is great. Always willing to help anyone. A grafter.

A real grafter.

He's hands on with everything and, if you were going to describe him, he'd be the definition of 'diamond geezer'.

He's someone you want as your friend.

Anyway, they are on the verge of having everything they've worked so hard for taken away through no fault of their own.

It makes me feel mad.

It also makes me feel guilty.

I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. Little pangs of guilt that everything is going so well for us while their world is being turned upside-down. It's just not fair.

I try to tell myself that everything is happening to us because we've worked hard for it. I like to think that Matt and I are good people. We are always there for our family and friends if they need us. We see our family and friends regularly. We both give monthly donations to charity and have done for years. I volunteer (although I am taking a small break at the moment but still doing bits from home) in my local Save The Children shop one day a week. We aren't religious but we lead honest and decent lives. In a nutshell...we do our bit.

But my friends work hard too.

They are good people too.

So why is this happening to them?

At the moment I can't make sense of the world. There doesn't seem to be any justice. News this year from a range of friends has just been awful. I look around at all the pain and sadness and I feel really angry.

And guilty.

There's that word again. Guilt.

Why am I feeling like this?

I should be happy.

But I'm not.

As I say, I'm in a strange place at the moment.

A Difficult Post

I find my head full of thoughts right now.

Thoughts that are unimaginable.

Yet again I find myself writing about something so terrible and tragic that it doesn't bear thinking about but thinking about it is all I find myself doing.

Yesterday I spent from lunch time in a numb and frozen state of mind. Yesterday I found myself practically glued to the sofa just watching or cuddling my children. Yesterday I kept getting asked "Why do you keep crying Mummy?" by MC.

Again I find myself writing about a wonderful blogger who I've met in the flesh. Someone who is just as lovely in real life as she is on her blog. Someone who was pregnant at the same time as me. Someone who shared a pregnancy journey together. Someone who had a beautiful daughter so full of smiles and giggles and only a month younger than my gorgeous boy. Someone who has been hit by a tragedy that's just too cruel for words.

Once again hundreds of bloggers felt only a fraction of the excruciating pain and sorrow that Jennie and her husband, David, must have felt this weekend when their beautiful daughter, Matilda Mae, passed away suddenly in her cot at the age of just 9 months.

It's a difficult post to write but I have to write it. I know I'm rambling already but I just can't seem to think straight. I've said before that blogging is a way of not only documenting life but finding some comfort through writing about thoughts and feelings. I know Jennie is taking comfort from all the well wishes and support shown by this amazing community through blogs, Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

My blog silence last week was due to being ill. Not just me but Matt and TC were really poorly too (and MC had been poorly the week before). We are still not right but, thankfully, TC has steroids and antibiotics and is on the mend. If I'm completely honest, I spent Friday night sat on the stairs sobbing as I felt really low. I was feeling unwell and exhausted, Matt was laid up in bed and TC just would not settle at all. All the time I kept trying to think of Kerry passing away at the end of last year and how I said life was too short to sweat the small stuff. All the time I was trying to pull myself into a positive state of mind.

This news has rocked me completely, as I know it has done everyone, and again I find myself unable to sleep and giving myself a good shake to remember what's important.

Life is so fragile 

Life is so short 

Life is for living 

Life is for embracing 

Life is for family 

Life is for friends 

Live is for forgiving 

Life is for forgetting 

Life is for sharing 

Life is for caring 

Life - don't take it for granted

RIP Matilda Mae

Sleep tight beautiful angel

xxx

C is for...Cancer

Photo credit: jscreationzs

When most people are asked what their biggest fear is you often hear them say things like spiders or flying.  Not me.

Sure, I don't really like spiders but the thing I'm afraid of most is cancer.

I'd heard of cancer when I was younger and didn't really think much of it.  It was something I read about in the news from time to time. something that didn't register with me much.  It wasn't until my early 20's when it really started to have an impact on my life.

My friend rang me "R**'s Mum has been taken into hospital really poorly, we are waiting for confirmation on tests but they think it could be bowel cancer".   I was in shock.  Not long before this my friend and I had been out with her mother-in-law in the local pub watching a tacky 'Chippendales' type tribute act and getting stupidly drunk and falling about laughing together.  3 weeks after this phone call she died.  She was 50.  She was young at heart and fun-loving woman with a heart of gold.

As I stood in the crematorium singing "You'll Never Walk Alone" (Liverpool FC was her family passion) I couldn't believe what had happened.  How had something like this taken her so quickly?

It was not long after that first moment that cancer impacted on my life that I heard more about it through friends who had other friends or family members who had cancer.  Then the worst happened....my parents turned up on my doorstep one the evening.  I knew straight away something was wrong.  "I've been diagnosed with breast cancer" Mum said, the words ringing in my ears.  I held it together as best I could until they left then I broke down.  My husband said to me "She'll be fine, it's only breast cancer - it's not like it's the worst kind".  He didn't even hug me, he just shrugged it off and walked away.  I could have punched him right there.  I grabbed my coat and drove to my friends house who gave me the hugs and words of support I needed. Needless to say, that husband is now my ex-husband.

Mum had to have a mastectomy and it was hard-going but she got through it.  She was told that if the cancer hadn't returned within 5 years she would be given the all clear.  4 and half years later it was back and she had to have another mastectomy.  That was 4 years ago now.  She still goes for her regular checks and I just hope it's completely gone.

In 2007, just before Matt (my lovely husband I'm married to now) were due to wed my Nan became really poorly.  She was unable to travel up from Luton to the ceremony.  I knew it was something serious.  Just after the wedding we were told she had pancreatic cancer.  It hit us all hard.  My Nan had always been so full of life and active.  Even though I was doing a 126 mile commute each day I still made the 400 mile round trip journey to Luton and back to visit my Nan every weekend for the 2 months she was ill.  Watching this disease take hold of her and waste her away was heart-breaking.  I'll never forget my sister and I having to help her onto the commode. I'll never forget her not knowing who we were toward the end apart from the odd smile. I so wish she'd been around to witness the birth of my baby girl.  My Nan passed away in October 2007.

Then a couple of years ago one of my closest friends Mum was diagnosed with cancer.  I was a massive support for her through a really dark time in her life.  Her Mum died in October 2008.  I remember being pregnant and emotional at the funeral as my heart was aching for my friend and the memory of my Nan was all too raw.

Exactly a year later another one of my closest friends Mums died from cancer.  Another year, another funeral to go to.  Another cancer victim.

It was all too much...3 years, 3 Octobers, 3 cancer victims, 3 deaths, 3 funerals.

Out of my 6 closest friends in my life, 3 of them have lost their mums to cancer.

Now I have a male friend who is currently battling prostate cancer at the age of 50 and a friend who has a cousin battling ovarian cancer at the age of 42.  Last week I read in the news that 1 in 8 women will develop breast cancer - shocking stats.

Cancer is evil, cancer is disgusting.  It rips through families and causes so much heartache.  It's the one thing in life I fear the most.

I give a small amount of money to Cancer Research and to MacMillan each month.  I've been donating since cancer first hit my life.   I'm not a religious person but I do pray that one day they find a cure.

Sorry this is a deep and dark post but, if you've got this far, thank you for reading.

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