#MeAndMine - A Family Portrait (June 2014)

Straight off I have a confession to make.

These photos were taken May 31st.

But, because they were taken after my May post, I'm hoping Lucy will let me off as I really wanted to share them on the blog.

We were lucky enough to go to the Matilda Mae Barn Dance in Kent. It's the reason we chose to spend our half-term break in Camber so we would be in the area for the barn dance. I knew I couldn't miss it and I'm glad I didn't.

The weather was perfect and Jennie, Ami from Beebies Baby Store (who has just won Best Independent Retailer in the Loved By Parents Awards!) and everyone else involved in the organisation of the event made it a wonderful day.

I have to admit that it was hard-going. After a week of holidaying with two small children, and three out of the four of us being ill when we were away, Matt and I were exhausted. We still had such a lovely time. It was so lovely to catch up with friends old and new whilst raising money for The Lullaby Trust.

These photos were taken in the virtual photo booth.

TC wasn't too keen at first but he never fails to delight in being turned upside down. The kids love these photos as much as I do and I often find them picking it up and giggling at them. I think it's the sight of daddy in a turkey hat! MC also says my wig looks like Harry Styles. Hmm.

They are ones we will treasure forever and that's why I knew they had to be part of my Me and Mine post this month.

In other news, I've decided to revamp and relaunch my blog in September/October. I've let my blog completely slide over the last year and that makes me sad. I started the blog as my online diary - a place to capture my life as a stay-at-home-mum, a place that I could look back on and a place that my children could read about their lives when they are older. The fact that the last year has been sketchy, missing out on so many special moments makes me want to try and get back what I once had. I haven't been myself this past year and things have changed. Also, TC starts at play school at the end of September so it should free up some time during the day. 

I have some special photos to share with you all very soon too! 

Watch this space...

#MeAndMine - A Family Portrait (April 2014)

I've reverted back to a very quick iPhone selfie for this months photo.

As you will notice, I haven't been about this month. MC only went back to school after the Easter holidays on Monday and the week before that we all had a tummy bug.

I've spent most of the month - tummy bug aside - just enjoying 'real life' (and the glorious warm weather that April brought us) but I've enjoyed it that much I haven't thought to take any complete family photos. It's a shame as we've had trips out to the sea, trips to the zoo, trips to the park and trips to see family and friends. I've taken lots of photos but none of the four of us.

Big fail.

My homework for May is to try and get at least three photos. I'm sure we will be able to do it. We are away for the May half-term at the end of the month too and ending it at the Baby Tilda Barn Dance! I also have some extremely exciting news that I'm holding back on at the moment too.

So, anyway, this photo was grabbed last night. The kids insisted on pulling silly faces. They'd spent most of the afternoon, after MC got home from school, bouncing on the bouncy castle in the back garden. They were tired but full of fresh air and happiness. It also resulted in a 6.30pm bedtime so Matt and I were pretty happy too!

#MeAndMine - A Family Portrait (March 2014)

March is probably the busiest month of the year for our family.

Both children were born in the month.

MC on the 11th (she was 5) and TC on the 28th (he was 2).

Throw in Mother's Day, a themed Minnie Mouse party and a few other prior engagements and I'm ending the month feeling pretty exhausted... but full of love and happiness.

I have been taking a lot more photographs of the children with the 'big camera' this year but it's very rare that I'm in the photos. Setting up the timer can be a bit hit and miss and the kids get easily distracted but asking other people to take photographs is probably worse - especially when it's my mother-in-law. She's good at a lot of things but sadly she's no photographer (not that I am but you know what I mean).

The day before Mother's Day we met up with my in-laws at Trentham Gardens. It was a lovely warm but slightly breezy day. Lots of scooting, fun, laughter, bickering (Matt and his mum - not the kids!) and ending with drinks and ice cream. I only have one half decent photo of the 4 of us that my MIL took that I'm including this month but I have lots of quite nice photos that I took of the kids enjoying themselves.

This month has been all about them so I wanted to share them with you (even if MC had fallen over 2 days earlier and is sporting a huge graze/bruise on her forehead!).

*Sports the voice of a newscaster about to mention that funny bit at the end of a broadcast*

And finally…

After MC's Minnie Mouse theme party earlier in the month we did have this photo taken - I wanted to share it because even though I'm exhausted on it, I couldn't stop laughing at Matt and TC sporting exactly the same expression. Priceless!

Christmas Day 2013

In my 3 years of blogging I've not actually written about Christmas.

How bad is that?

To be honest, by time we are through the holidays and we plunge straight into a new year I feel like it's too late to blog about it.

This year though, I'm making an effort, despite us already being halfway through January.

I need to blog about our family life more. I need to spend more time detailing our life and treasuring memories. It's probably not a post that will interest many people but it's one that I can look back on and that's what matters to me most.

For the past 7 years I've cooked Christmas dinner. The least amount was for just Matt and myself (the Christmas before MC was born) and the most was for 10 people.

That was this Christmas. 10 people.

Each year I've stressed about Christmas. I've got worked up about cooking for everyone and making sure the meal is perfect.

It always has been.

I'd spend the few days before working out all my timings of what needed to go in the oven on what setting, at what time and for how long. It would be timed to the minute and written out neatly in order.

This year was different though. I didn't prepare timings in advance and stress about dinner being perfect. Over the last 11 months or so, since Tilda passed away, I've realised more than ever what's important in life. Just being together as a family is what matters. Christmas dinner and everything else are just the extras. I had plenty of stars around the house to remind me of Tilda and what was important - not that I need reminding.

We were looking forward to Christmas as it was the first in our lovely new home. We were to be joined for dinner by my parents, Matt's parents and his brother and fiancée.

Christmas day was lovely.

The kids woke about 8am and that was only because I started making noise as I'd been wide awake from 6.30am excited to see the kids open their presents. Mini Cheddar was so excited when she saw the stocking filled at the end of her bed.

"SANTA'S BEEN" came the cries and running along the landing.

I when to Tiny Ched's room, plucked him from his cot and carried him into our room. MC carried his stocking in and we all sat on our bed to open presents. TC loved every second of it. He opened every present, although it took him a while as when he discovered Percy the engine in there he was beside himself and just wanted to play with that.

We went downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast and then we entered the lounge to discover more presents - the kids had definitely been good this year!

Again, TC opened every single present excitedly and when he discovered Thomas the Tank Engine, that was it! He shrieked.

Last Christmas I would have been champing at the bit to get through the present opening and so I could start dinner. This year though, I soaked it all in. I took lots of photos and watched the kids excitement unfold on their faces. It was lovely and leisurely.

We all got dressed and the kids played happily with their new toys whilst Matt and I started the dinner prep. Matt is the perfect Christmas dinner sous chef! He preps the mountains of vegetables (I hate prepping sprouts) and cleans all the pots up as we go and is just generally my 'kitchen biatch' for the day. It's very rare we both cook together and I love it.

Matt's parents arrived just after 11am, after driving up from Nottingham, and his brother and fiancée arrived shortly after from Oxford. My parents (who only live 10 minutes away) arrived too and we were all set. I'd told everyone that I'd serve dinner at 1pm and, for the first time ever, it was slightly late by about 15 minutes - probably due to my more relaxed attitude!

We sat down (at a table with 3 extra non-matching chairs - isn't that what Christmas is all about?) to eat a feast of roast beef (we aren't huge fans of turkey), a mountain of roast potatoes, stuffing (who says you can't have it with beef?), pigs in blankets, roasted parsnips, sprouts and pancetta, carrots, broccoli and gravy. It was delicious and my stomach is growling just thinking about it.

For dessert I'd made a chocolate hazelnut meringue roulade the day before (thanks Delia!). If you've not tried one, do it - simple to make and it's a bit like eating Fererro Rocher. We had Christmas pudding and homemade mince pies too.

After dinner began the present opening again! The kids were spoilt so much and, despite having a big house now, we were wondering where we were going to put it all.

The only time the TV was on all day was for the Queen's Speech. Usually we will watch a film or something but this year I wanted proper family time with no distractions. We talked, we played games and we were just happy in each others company. There was lots of laughter and just being together as a family.

TC did so well through the day. He had a couple of small naps and went to bed a little later than usual without a peep from him. MC stayed up late and was a little tearful at bedtime due to such a busy and exciting day.

The inlaws all stayed overnight and it was lovely to be able to put everyone up for the night now we have the extra bedrooms.

Everyone went home mid-morning on Boxing Day so we could enjoy the rest of Christmas as a family of four and we did just that.

I have so many lovely memories.

TC opening up his stocking presents on our bed

MC thrilled to have Harry Styles!

This Disney Hedbanz game provided
much entertainment Christmas Day 

Full steam opening presents

"What's that you've got bro?"

The kids playing happily while we cooked dinner

My kitchen biatch hard at work

Note the Matilda Mae star at the end

Enjoying roulade and ice cream

Christmas Dinner face

A helping hand with presents from Grandma and Grandad

So good at opening presents

They played beautifully together with toys

Or just playing horses

Disney Hedbandz is awesome

My favourite photo from Christmas

Which Way To Turn?

Right now I really don't know which way to turn.

I'm struggling a little.

I know this blog post will turn into a rambling mess but I need a 'thought dump'. I apologise in advance if it doesn't make sense.

Life seems to be going at 100 miles an hour but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere or doing anything fulfilling. Maybe this is what being a stay-at-home-mum is like at its worst?

Maybe I'm not exactly 'loving it' at the moment.

Regular readers will notice large gaps in my posts over the past couple of months.

I spent most of September and the first part of October (yes, my food poisoning/stomach thing had a relapse) being really ill and it knocked me for six. To be perfectly honest, since then it's really made me think about things. I was that poorly that Matt (and I, if I'm honest) was really worried. It scared us. It made us both realise just how fragile life can be. Those times at the hospital when I was in agony and Matt felt so helpless were awful.

This morning I took TC to a soft-play centre. I needed to get out somewhere. Anywhere that wasn't shopping. I was going to meet up with the lovely Sarah who lives just down the road but she's poorly. It's a good job in a way as Sarah probably wouldn't have known what to do with me.

The song Firework by Katy Perry came on whilst I was there.

I welled up.

Then the tears became sobs.

Luckily there were only a couple of people in there and I was sat in a corner so was able to get away with it.

That song makes me think of Multiple Mummy and Matilda Mae.

It's funny but doing that in public made me realise something.

I'm feeling quite low.

Christmas is coming and everyone is getting excited.

I should be getting excited but deep down I'm not.

Yes, I am struggling.

Struggling to make sense of such a cruel world. Struggling to make sense of everything. Struggling not to be torn apart knowing that friends are suffering.

I want to make this Christmas so special for my family. It's our first Christmas in our lovely new home. We are having the whole of downstairs decorated and there is lovely colour everywhere. TC is more aware of everything this year. MC is beside herself with excitement and she's top of her class in school too. We have so much to look forward to but I just can't shake this feeling I have.

I'm also feeling like a failure. Everywhere I turn on social media I see posts and photos of lovingly home-cooked meals. I see photos of amazing crafts, brilliant messy-play, amazing days out and lots of fun and happiness.

I know most people only post the good stuff but I wonder how these people have the time to do the things that they do? I sometimes feel like my kids are living on pasta and fish fingers most of the time and we don't get out and about enough.

I know my kids are happy and loved and that's what counts but I still feel like I'm letting them down.

I'm also trying to decide what to do about my blog.

I have seriously 'lost that blogging feeling'.

I started this blog to document my life as a stay-at-home-mum and to give myself and my children memories. I've let us all down. Somedays I feel like quitting but blogging has brought me so much. It's brought me unbelievable amounts of love and support. More importantly, it's brought some amazing friends into my life.

At the moment though I don't see how I can fit blogging in. I am desperately trying to spend time with TC. He's growing up so quickly and I don't want him to grow up. Knowing he's my last baby pulls at my heart a little. My days are filled with spending time with my children. When MC's at school and TC has his afternoon nap I'm sorting washing or tidying the house. When the kids go to bed I want to spend time with Matt. We get so little time together on our own that our evenings (when he's not away with work) are so precious. I love my husband so much and the evenings are our time. I don't see how social media is going to fit in?

At the time this post goes live I have 182 un-read emails in my inbox because I really can't face going through them and the more I ignore them, the more they build up.

Anyway, I think I'm my own worst enemy.

When I'm feeling like this I cut myself off. I shy away from social media and I stay in the house a lot.

It doesn't do me any good.

Thankfully I have mainly good days but I also have a few bad days.

Luckily I recognise the signs.

I need a plan.

I need to know what I'm doing and where I'm going or I have a feeling I'll lose myself (and my blog) along the way. I need to shake off this doom and gloom feeling. This feeling that something really bad is going to happen to me or my family.

I need to feel happy all the time again.

I need to know which way to turn.

Watch this space...

Let The Countdown Commence!

Even Google wished me Happy Birthday

It's my birthday today.

I'm 39.

I remember turning 30 nine years ago (man, I'm good at math!) and I was a little anxious about it.

30 felt so old!

I know my 30's aren't over but this decade has been the best so far. It doesn't seem like much when I write the list of key events but each event is pretty huge and has brought me so much joy...

• I met Matt
• We travelled a lot (Route 66 and the Northern Lights to mention 2 main ones)
• We bought a house
• We got engaged
• We got married
• We had two children
• We took the kids to Florida. Twice
• We bought our perfect family home

I'm a very lucky lady. 

I know that.

So, how do I feel about this last year in my 30's? How do I feel about turning the big 4-0 this time next year?

You know what?

It doesn't bother me.

It doesn't bother me at all.

Because I am happy. 

I think I was anxious about turning 30 nine years ago because I'd spent my 20's not knowing where I was going. I'd married (and divorced) a man who wasn't good for me. I didn't know where I was going.

Then I met Matt 8.5 months before I was due to turn 30.

Matt is the reason I'm quite happy to be turning 40 next year*.

I'm blessed that I have a great husband, 2 gorgeous and healthy kids, amazing family, extended family and wonderful friends.

I'm determined to enjoy this last year of my 30's because life is too short to worry about numbers.

So come on 40! I'm ready for you.

Let the countdown commence!

* He's also bought me a Kitchenaid Artisan Mixer :-)

Blogging Confessions And Tiny Ched

My name is Heather and it's been two weeks since I last blogged.

Yes, this feels very much like I need to join some sort of blogging confessions therapy group. I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm not feeling the love right now.

I don't know if it's to do with the summer holidays, the house move, my new life in a new home and neighbourhood, lack of time, lack of motivation or what but I can't seem to get my head into blogging much right now. I've stepped back from Twitter too. That's generally a lovely place to be but, quite frankly, I've heard about some bad stuff on there of late.

I'm also trying to decide where I should go with my blog. I need more time. It is desperately due an overhaul. I haven't got time in the evening as Matt works hard all day so we like to spend time together at night.

Perhaps the blogging mojo will come back after September when Mini Cheddar starts full time school. Who knows?

At the moment we are middle of the school holidays. MC has made lots of little friends in our new neighbourhood and so, when we are at home, she's playing out most of the day. I could be throwing myself into my blog a bit during the day but I'm trying to spend time enjoying my little man (and when he's napping I'm just enjoying time on my own - or cleaning the house!).

Tiny Ched is growing up so fast it's scary. Doesn't seem like a minute since he was born (although it also feels like he's always been here in a strange way) and yet, here he is, almost 17 months old.

TC is my last baby. I said I'd like either 2 or 4 children and, although our new house could more than easily accommodate 2 more, Matt and I feel like we should quit while we are ahead in a way. We have been truly blessed with two very bright, very happy and, thankfully, very healthy children. Plus, I turn 40 next year *screams and runs for the wrinkle cream*

So 2 it is.

2 is more than enough though.

TC is a spirited little man. He's full of smiles and cuddles, has THE cutest waddle and grin but at the same time he is the biggest drama queen when he can't get what he wants. If you tell him no or even just look at him and shake your head he'll act like it's the end of the world.

He's also a climber.

Sir Edmund Hillary scales another chair mountain

I don't remember MC being this bad. Perhaps it's a girl / boy difference or perhaps it comes from the fact the second one always wants to do more to be like their older sibling. It can be exhausting.

Seriously exhausting.

Some days I feel like I'm constantly telling him not to do something. I seem to spend my time plucking him down from cabinets he's trying to scale like Edmund Hillary. Or I'll be trying to grab something from him that he shouldn't have and he knows it. He'll look at me with a cheeky expression, show me what's in his hand and then run off at full speed laughing as he knows I'll take chase. I swear he's going to be a serious contender to Usain Bolt's records soon. The boy is fast.

But I'm enjoying it.

I'm enjoying watching him explore his new and exciting world. I'm enjoying the fun he brings to our lives. I'm enjoying the fact he absolutely loves his sleep. I'm enjoying his cuddles when he's tired. I'm enjoying his loving and incredible bond with his big sister - we will both miss her on a daily basis in September - the kids generally play so lovely together.

Yes, I'm enjoying my kids and I'm enjoying my life.

Each and every day (even when it's not a particularly good day) I am so thankful that both my children are here with us and happy and healthy.

I feel truly blessed.

Blessed with a beautiful family, supportive parents and Sister, amazing friends (both near and far) and a wonderful home.

What more could a girl (I can still call myself a girl at almost 40, can't I?) possibly want?

I guess I want my blogging mojo to return for the sake of these two as I love having somewhere to look back on a record of their lives and I want them to have it to read when they're older.

I am hopeful it will return in full force but, for now, I'm sure they will understand mummy has taken a little break.

#MeAndMine - A Family Portrait (April)

This was a last minute photo.

I suddenly panicked with a day to go, realising that I hadn't taken a family portrait for Lucy's 'Me and Mine' link up. It's something I really want to keep up with as this first year of Tiny Ched's life passed us all by with no photos of all four of us.

March was a busy month and April has been just as hectic.

I'm probably going to jinx this now by revealing this on my blog but...

...we are going to move house!

I didn't want to officially announce it until we had exchanged contracts (we haven't yet) but, at the moment, I don't see that anything is going to change *crosses everything* I haven't even told all my friends yet as I haven't wanted to say anything until it's all legal.

It's an exciting time but it's also scary. A lot has happened, both good and bad, over theses past few months but I'm hoping the future, for everyone, is going to be full of as much love and happiness as possible.

Our new house is gorgeous. It's so much bigger than the one we are in now and we are all looking forward to moving and making it our home. Our current house sold on it's first viewing which was amazing (it's so nice not having to worry about viewings with two small children messing the place up!) but it also pulled at my heart strings a bit.

This is the house that...

...Matt and I bought together 7 years ago
...we left from and returned to the night he asked me to marry him
...just 3 short months later (almost 6 years ago) we spent our wedding eve in
...we also spent our wedding night in
...we conceived both our children in
...we brought both our children home to after they were born
...we made a home

and

...has experienced so much love and happiness

I'm sure our new house will be filled with just as much love and happiness though. After all, they are only walls.

We are the essence of the house and home.

So this is a very poignant photo as, I think, it will be the last one of us all taken in this house.

We are due to move at the end of June...and we still have over 3 weeks holidaying in Florida to get through! We booked the holiday after deciding, last year, that we weren't going to move. Now we are doing both. Eek! Matt and I are totally knackered (as you can see) so I'm hoping a bit of sun recharges us - even if we could do without the holiday in the middle of all this.

Yes, life is very hectic right now.

But life, on the whole, is very good.

In A Strange Place

I'm in a strange place at the moment.

I'm extremely busy, my head is all over the place. After a few rocky weeks, life is beginning to look good.

Really good.

So why don't I feel good?

I can't help but feel for others.

My heart aches for them. Literally aches.

I'm so busy but I'm finding it so hard to concentrate.

I have some friends that are going through seriously bad times at the moment. Times that you wouldn't wish on anyone. Times that no-one can really begin to understand unless you've been there yourself.

Really bad times.

One of my closest friends is facing a hard time. Her and her husband are the one of the nicest couples you could meet and her husband is great. Always willing to help anyone. A grafter.

A real grafter.

He's hands on with everything and, if you were going to describe him, he'd be the definition of 'diamond geezer'.

He's someone you want as your friend.

Anyway, they are on the verge of having everything they've worked so hard for taken away through no fault of their own.

It makes me feel mad.

It also makes me feel guilty.

I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. Little pangs of guilt that everything is going so well for us while their world is being turned upside-down. It's just not fair.

I try to tell myself that everything is happening to us because we've worked hard for it. I like to think that Matt and I are good people. We are always there for our family and friends if they need us. We see our family and friends regularly. We both give monthly donations to charity and have done for years. I volunteer (although I am taking a small break at the moment but still doing bits from home) in my local Save The Children shop one day a week. We aren't religious but we lead honest and decent lives. In a nutshell...we do our bit.

But my friends work hard too.

They are good people too.

So why is this happening to them?

At the moment I can't make sense of the world. There doesn't seem to be any justice. News this year from a range of friends has just been awful. I look around at all the pain and sadness and I feel really angry.

And guilty.

There's that word again. Guilt.

Why am I feeling like this?

I should be happy.

But I'm not.

As I say, I'm in a strange place at the moment.

A Little Bit Lost

I've had grand plans lately.

Plans to get on top of the housework. Plans to throw myself back into blogging. Plans to get more 'me' time to read blogs. Plans to get more time to comment on blogs. Plans to reply to comments on my own blog. Plans to throw myself back into my freelance work. Plans to see my friends and family more. Plans to to spend more quality time with Matt and the children.

All plans that keep going out of the window.

I'm feeling a little bit lost if I'm completely honest.

I can't get my head into gear.

The last 6 weeks or so have been an emotional roller coaster. The news of Matilda Mae's passing has completely rocked me. Not a day has gone by since I heard the news that my thoughts haven't turned to Jennie and her family. Not a day has gone by when I haven't shed a tear. Not a day has gone by when I haven't looked at Tiny Ched and thought of Baby Tilda.

Matt's Grandmother passed away middle of February too. It's been a hard time for all.

It's also not been helped by illness striking our house full-on. First Matt was laid up in bed (again - we were all really poorly in January too) for two or three days. Then we spent all last week in a severe state of worry about TC and ended up being referred to the hospital Friday night. But that's a whole other blog post in itself!

We've also had Mini Cheddar turning 4 in the middle of all this. Cue birthday day celebrations followed by a big party at the weekend.

My life just seems like a long 'to do' list.

None of which seems to be getting done.

What am I doing?

Where are the days going?

I don't seem to be achieving anything right now.

I see images on Instagram or blog posts with family days out or fun days in and I can't help but feel completely jealous. I'm a stay-at-home-mum. Surely I can find time to fill my children's lives with fun activities?

I'm feeling like a failure.

I seem to be shouting a lot too.

Then I feel incredibly guilty. Even though MC is testing her boundaries a little, I still shouldn't be raising my voice to her. What sort of example am I setting?

I love my children more than anything. The guilt that I'm not being a good Mummy right now is tearing me apart and making me feel even worse. It's like a vicious circle.

TC is almost back to 100% health, thankfully. He'll be celebrating his 1st birthday next Thursday (28th) and I want to do something special.

Really special.

Susanne has inspired me to do a cake smash, that much I have thought about, but the rest is unknown. We have immediate family coming over the day after his birthday for a small get-to-gether. However, the thought of having to even cater for that and clean the house just makes me want to curl up in a ball.

Yes, I feel a bit lost about his birthday too.

How can I be planning and celebrating his 1st birthday when another mother...another blogger...a friend is grieving for her beautiful baby girl?

So yes, I'm feeling a little bit lost.

In fact, this blog post is a little bit lost.

I don't even know where it's going.  All I know is that I need to blog my feelings tonight, even though they are a little bit lost.

Let's hope I find myself again soon.

Photo credit

A Difficult Post

I find my head full of thoughts right now.

Thoughts that are unimaginable.

Yet again I find myself writing about something so terrible and tragic that it doesn't bear thinking about but thinking about it is all I find myself doing.

Yesterday I spent from lunch time in a numb and frozen state of mind. Yesterday I found myself practically glued to the sofa just watching or cuddling my children. Yesterday I kept getting asked "Why do you keep crying Mummy?" by MC.

Again I find myself writing about a wonderful blogger who I've met in the flesh. Someone who is just as lovely in real life as she is on her blog. Someone who was pregnant at the same time as me. Someone who shared a pregnancy journey together. Someone who had a beautiful daughter so full of smiles and giggles and only a month younger than my gorgeous boy. Someone who has been hit by a tragedy that's just too cruel for words.

Once again hundreds of bloggers felt only a fraction of the excruciating pain and sorrow that Jennie and her husband, David, must have felt this weekend when their beautiful daughter, Matilda Mae, passed away suddenly in her cot at the age of just 9 months.

It's a difficult post to write but I have to write it. I know I'm rambling already but I just can't seem to think straight. I've said before that blogging is a way of not only documenting life but finding some comfort through writing about thoughts and feelings. I know Jennie is taking comfort from all the well wishes and support shown by this amazing community through blogs, Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

My blog silence last week was due to being ill. Not just me but Matt and TC were really poorly too (and MC had been poorly the week before). We are still not right but, thankfully, TC has steroids and antibiotics and is on the mend. If I'm completely honest, I spent Friday night sat on the stairs sobbing as I felt really low. I was feeling unwell and exhausted, Matt was laid up in bed and TC just would not settle at all. All the time I kept trying to think of Kerry passing away at the end of last year and how I said life was too short to sweat the small stuff. All the time I was trying to pull myself into a positive state of mind.

This news has rocked me completely, as I know it has done everyone, and again I find myself unable to sleep and giving myself a good shake to remember what's important.

Life is so fragile 

Life is so short 

Life is for living 

Life is for embracing 

Life is for family 

Life is for friends 

Live is for forgiving 

Life is for forgetting 

Life is for sharing 

Life is for caring 

Life - don't take it for granted

RIP Matilda Mae

Sleep tight beautiful angel

xxx

I'm A Bad Person

Okay...I'm not a bad person really but today I did feel like one.

Something happened that made me realise I'd been stupid as I'd upset someone.

This person isn't a friend or anything like that but it doesn't mean I still don't feel bad.

This person and I are thrown together on very rare occasions. Sometimes we can go a couple of years without ever seeing each other. I always felt this person didn't like me. Their body language and other things I picked up on made me think this. For instance, I always felt like I made the first move to be friendly and break the ice. Now, having taken time to reflect, it was probably just the sheer awkwardness of the situation we were both put in.

Anyway, I said a couple of things on Twitter. Yup, public forum. No, I didn't threaten to blow up Robin Hood airport! In actual fact I didn't say anything bad about this person but I just said bad things about the situation that, in hindsight, I shouldn't have.

I (stupidly) have always looked upon Twitter as my escapism. My followers don't know the 'real' me in real life apart from one or two who don't really use it much anyway. Well, appears that someone on Twitter is showing a keen interest in me as this person supposedly found out through a friend who was watching my Twitter feed. This I find a little stalkeresque which I did mention to them.

It did cross my mind for all of 30 seconds to shut down Twitter and my blog but I don't think it's needed. Yes it creeps me out a bit that someone who doesn't know me but knows 'of' me is following my movements but hopefully they will get bored and move along. Nothing to see here and all that. After all, the people who actually know me and are friends with me know that I always hold my family and friends close to my heart.

I've just suffered a moment where I just didn't think about the consequences of online banter hitting me in real life. I got caught up in the moment. Never for a minute thinking about Twitter being a public forum. Doh!

I have apologised to the person involved and I think (hope) they realised how genuinely sincere I was and it's all water under the bridge now and we can move on. We actually talked more than we've ever talked before. The odd thing to come out of this is that I actually have a lot of respect for this person and really feel in another life we could have even been friends.

Strange what life throws at you sometimes.

You Know You've Just Had A Baby When...

...you permanently walk around with a boob out of your nursing top

...you forget to put said boob away when you answer the door to the postman

...you walk around with a milky sick stain on your shoulder all the time

...your hairbrush has a battle to de-tangle your hair because of the dried sick in it

...dry shampoo is your new best friend

...when you hear the dreaded 'sick' noise over your shoulder you hope it's fresh milk and not curdled smelly milk

...you make new friends from America, Canada and Australia on Twitter because of tweeting at 4am GMT

...you hear the birds wake up

...you get annoyed at how happy the birds are first thing in the morning

...you wonder why there's a wet patch on your lap/groin, then realise you forgot to put your boob away. Again

...if you have to spend more than 48 hours in the house you get severe cabin fever

...you eat constantly but still lose weight (yaye for breastfeeding!)

...your washing machine is constantly on

...you never seem to reach the bottom of the washing pile despite the washing machine being on all the time

...there are clothes drying EVERYWHERE around the house (sod off rain!)

...you decide to wear the same item of clothing 3 days in a row because 'it will only get sicked on anyway'

...you hear your husband snoring peacefully at 4am and deliberately cough/sneeze/yawn loudly/fart to wake him up

...you don't so much as flinch when you get baby poop on your hand

...you are obsessed with the colour/consistency of said poop

...you never want to eat a chicken korma again

...4am is the new time to draft blog posts

"Ok, I hold my hands up - it's all MY fault"

This is a follow-on post from my You Know You're Pregnant When... post

Guest Post...Alyson's Blog - Bring On The Grecian

Alyson, who blogs over at the wonderful 'Alyson's Blog', and I first met in the virtual world (Babycentre forum) when we were both expecting - her with her third child and me with my first. That was well over 3 years ago now and, despite living a good 1.5 hours drive from each other, we still try and meet up as much as humanly possible with our hectic lives. 


I class Alyson as true friend. When I found out I would have to have a c-section when I was pregnant I was a mess, distraught at the thought of my plans for a natural water birth going out of the window. Alyson picked me up and supported me and I owe it to her that I had the most wonderful c-section experience ever.


Alyson's 3 children are a delight and Emma (who is only 1 day older than MC) is gorgeous but, as Alyson explains here, the cuteness comes at a price.  I now hand you over to Alyson and her guest post - Bring On The Grecian...


I should probably introduce myself, I'm Alyson, writer of Alysonsblog, RL friend of Heather here at SAHMLovingit and when she asked me to write a guest post I was thrilled to oblige. I'm a 37 year old married mother of three daughters ranging from 13 - 2 years, and there is NEVER a dull day in my house, we like life to be busy, end to end, almost like an episode of Total Wipeout.. or that's how it feels sometimes. I'm studying for a degree in Counselling and Psychotherapy and absolutely loving it and I blog about my life, my work at uni and my volunteering too. So enough about me, onto my guest post.



As a 37 year old bottle blond, I'm not used to seeing the flash of silver in my hair but see this face.

This face is responsible for knocking actual years off my life and introducing me to the joys of the silver foxy.

I swear after having 2 other children, I thought I knew how this parenting/mothering gig worked, thought I had it down pat.. well I thought wrong.

Remember this face?

Well this face tests me in ways I didn't even know could exist.

In 2011 we have had no less than 3.. yes 3.. life altering moments, heart stopping, stomach in mouth moments with her that I can honestly say I didn't have with my others. Meg was calm, placid, polite, eager to please, Lucy was funny, spirited and a true comedian, but Emma... man alive where to start with Emma.

In the Summer whilst on the boat, we were mooring up in the harbour, both Tim & I busy doing our parts tying up, putting out fenders etc and we both heard a BIG splash, looked at each other in horror and did that thing where you whirl around to see what or who fell in, a very quick assessment showed Lucy sat reading her mag and no Emma, NO EMMA, ... Oh God No NOT EMMA. Tim started running, I started running round the boat, all side,  desperately trying to see into the marina to know where to jump in... 'did she have her life jacket on' 'I don't know' cue Tim & I both crying, running and screaming her name.. an awful awful feeling to anyone who has ever experienced a lost or endangered child.

In that very moment the cupboard door on the boat flew open and out danced Emma shouting 'ta-da' with her arms out stretched, I didn't know where to cry, scream or fall to my knees, I think I did all three. That was when after 3 children and some pretty lax rules for the boat the new 'getting on the boat' charter was launched meaning that the children are not even allowed to step foot in the marina without their life jackets on and MUST wear them all day - 'no life jacket no boat' is the mantra. You may think it shocking that we didn't already have this in place before and looking back it is really, but the children were always so good around the boat until Emma.. we never had a single incident with the other 2 so I suppose stupid assumptions came into play.

Then we had the car incident that I blogged about here.. Emma ran into the middle of the road, a VERY busy road, which finished up with both Emma and I led in the road being 'saved' by a white van man, another moment that took proper years off my life expectancy.

And then the icing on this cake of parenting nightmares came last week in a routine trip to the local Gym/Swimming Pool, we go every week, its one of Emma's favourite things to do, she loves launching herself fearlessly into the water, sinking like a stone and then bobbing up with the aid of her float suit. As I started to get changed last week, I gave Emma the task of taking off her shoes, I bent to pull my swimming costume up, looked and she was gone, literally in a split second gone. My heart stopped, the swimming pool is only say 12 feet away, and I ran, arse hanging out of suit, to the side of the pool and desperately scanned the bottom of the pool, I screamed to Lucy to check the jacuzzi, I ran into the showers, people were understanding that something was very wrong, I was crying, screaming her name, running back and forth to the pool and in the changing room.

Staff and people are coming running, this is bad, very bad. Someone sits me down as everyone continues the search and the shaking starts, uncontrollable shaking as I'm trying to stand and keep looking, about 4 or 5 minutes passed, I could feel my throat tightening, this is going to end badly I just know it
An elderly lady wanders in from the showers amid the commotion and opens a locker and says 'is this what you are looking for?' I whirl around and there she is, Emma half naked and sat in an actual locker with the door closed, like a little elf, grinning wildly and shouting 'BOO'

Its no exaggeration to say that I sobbed, completely sobbed, heaving, shaking and snotting everywhere, Emma laughing and dancing from foot to foot, whilst people gave her a stern look or a waggly finger about 'not frightening her mummy like that'

We didn't end up going swimming, frankly my nerves wouldn't have stood it, we went home and it was her turn to sob then

I'm reaching for new and unchartered depths in my parenting with Emma, proof if it were needed, that children can be and are SO very different and one size most certainly does NOT fit all, way back in my ignorant, blissful, smug, single child state, mother of a perfect daughter I used to believe it was all about the parenting, that when a child was a naughty tornado that must have meant something was missing or wrong in their life or that they weren't getting enough attention at home... yeah and I also used to believe in the tooth fairy as well,  just shows how wrong you can be

10 Things You (Probably) Don't Know About Me

As you know, I've been slacking in the blog department lately.  My life has been a whirlwind of illness, work and just basic life.

So anyway, enough blathering about that, I was tagged in this '10 things' meme by Bloggomy a couple of weeks ago,  then followed by Jessies Crazy Kitchen.  When Dreaming Of Beer and The Real Housewife Of Suffolk County also tagged me the other day I thought it was about time I pulled my finger out and graced you all with my list!

I've done a couple of similar memes a while ago so it was quite hard to come up with some good nuggets I hadn't already shared but here goes...

1. I can't stand bananas. I was once dared to eat one in my old work place and I almost chundered in the bin.

Say cheese!
(I look like I slept with a coat hanger in my mouth)

2. I met Nick Valensi and Albert Hammond Jr from the band The Strokes a few years back at an aftershow party (I may have mentioned this in another post somewhere - but here is the photographic evidence). Nick Valensi is even more gorgeous in the flesh and such a gentleman, he moved over so I could share his bar stool with him. Eep!

3. When I was really little my Mum used to call me Heather Feather which I loved. Years and years later a boyfriend found this out and insisted on using it so much I almost punched him.

4. I bite my finger nails. I've grown them a few times and then I get anxious and start again. Thankfully they aren't too bad at the moment.

5. I always had pet hamsters when I was younger. However, on a whim once I wanted a gerbil. I didn't really like him so was happy when he died and I could get another hamster.

6. When I was in my late teens I wanted a rabbit but my parents kept saying no. So I waited until they went on holiday and I went out and bought one - and an indoor hutch! Mum and Dad got quite a shock when they returned to find a rabbit residing in my Sisters old bedroom.

7. I couldn't go into high school one day as I was suffering with a severe hangover (sorry Mum and Dad!) after going to an 'Under 18's' disco at a nightclub armed with a concoction of alcohol drained from mine and my friends parents booze cabinets.  We actually got thrown out by the bouncers and had to stagger walk home.  I don't remember that much of the evening but I do remember my friend needing a wee and she stung her privates on some nettles!

8. When I was in Primary School I was a member of chess club but I wasn't a nerd. Honest.

9. I have a childish sense of humour. I find all toilet humour amusing and I'm a big fan of The Inbetweeners.  Oooooh friend!

10. I was once hypnotised as part of a stage show. We were all told to cuddle up with the person on our right and when the hypnotist clicked his fingers we would think we'd just had sex with them. Unfortuntely my brother-in-law was sat to my right. I remember at the time thinking "SHIT! My Sister is going to kill me!"

So there you go, I hope you enjoyed finding out more about me.

I always hate tagging people in these things but here goes, I'd love to find out more from these bloggers (sorry guys and gals):

All For Aleyna
Reluctant HouseDad
Mari's World
Mummy Beadzoid

G is for... Grandparents

I haven't done one of my A to Z posts for a while.  This one has been sat, unfinished for ages now - I've been waiting on us all being well enough to go up in the loft and dig out some old photos. With it being an A to Z I couldn't exactly skip to H and I knew what I wanted to do for G.  

Grandparents.

My daughter happens to be my parents only Grandchild.  It's the same for my husbands parents too.  I know they all desperately longed for a Grandchild (some more openly than others).  In some ways I feel sorry that I left it later in my life to have a family as I realise that my mum and dad, in particular, are getting a lot older now - both 66 this year.

I was lucky enough to have my Grandparents in my life until I was into my 20's and 30's and it's something I'll always be thankful for.  I hope that Mini Cheddar gets to experience that too.

Photo credit: I.ona

My Dads parents lived near us most of my life.  They moved up from Luton where we had moved from when my Mum was pregnant with me and so they lived right around the corner from us for many years. When my Mum went back to work (when I was about 6 years old I think) my Sister and I would go to their house every day after school. My Grandma would always be making homemade soup and I can still almost taste it through my memories alone.  I vividly remember the brown 70's style crockery sets that we used to eat soup and sandwiches from. Grandad would be watching Crossroads on the TV and Snowy the budgie would be chirping away.  Such fond memories.

They were called Grandma and Grandad Fishes by us as they had a pond in their garden which was filled with fish (and frogs).  I still refer to them like that now. Grandad Fishes developed Alzheimer's and passed away when I was about 24. Grandma followed 6 months later. They were in their 70's when they died. I still have a big heavy necklace with a watch in it that used to be my Grandmas. I miss them both.

My Mums parents were very active and went ballroom dancing and on holidays abroad until they were well past their 70's.  They were my Nan (Nan didn't ever want to be called Grandma) and Grandad Balloons because he always had balloons for us to play with when we were little.  They lived in Luton and stayed in Luton so we didn't get to see them as much. The times we did share with them were always so fun-filled though.  When we had stayed with them and were coming to say goodbye, Nan used to secretly stuff £5 or £10 notes into our hands (which was a lot of money back then).  She always used to be so generous as she said she used to take our cousins - who lived in Luton - out quite a lot but we missed out. 

I think because they were so active they lived long and healthly lives. They even made it to their 60th Wedding Anniversary and received a telegram from The Queen. Sadly Nan developed pancreatic cancer when she was 86 and passed away in October 2007.  Grandad followed less than 2 months later at the ripe old age of 91.  He died doing what he loved - going for his daily walk.  I'll never forget getting that phone call in work from my Dad to tell me the news.  I was devastated as I'd only driven all the way down to Luton (from North Wales) a couple of days beforehand to spend the day with Grandad and he was so spritely. Again, I miss them both.

I have to stop and think sometimes and be more accepting of our parents wanting to spend time with our daughter.  Time is so precious and my daughter gets so much happiness from spending time with them. I'm thankful that they want to be there for our daughter as I have some friends who don't have that in their life. I can't imagine what that must be like.

There is no denying - Grandparents are precious. My daughter is lucky enough to have 4 loving and doting Grandparents in her life. I was so lucky to have 4 wonderful Grandparents in my life for so long and I miss them all dearly.

"Grandchildren are the dots that connect the lines from generation to generation" 

~Lois Wyse

Part of my A to Z posts

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Linked up 1st May 2011 for