A Little Bit Lost

I've had grand plans lately.

Plans to get on top of the housework. Plans to throw myself back into blogging. Plans to get more 'me' time to read blogs. Plans to get more time to comment on blogs. Plans to reply to comments on my own blog. Plans to throw myself back into my freelance work. Plans to see my friends and family more. Plans to to spend more quality time with Matt and the children.

All plans that keep going out of the window.

I'm feeling a little bit lost if I'm completely honest.

I can't get my head into gear.

The last 6 weeks or so have been an emotional roller coaster. The news of Matilda Mae's passing has completely rocked me. Not a day has gone by since I heard the news that my thoughts haven't turned to Jennie and her family. Not a day has gone by when I haven't shed a tear. Not a day has gone by when I haven't looked at Tiny Ched and thought of Baby Tilda.

Matt's Grandmother passed away middle of February too. It's been a hard time for all.

It's also not been helped by illness striking our house full-on. First Matt was laid up in bed (again - we were all really poorly in January too) for two or three days. Then we spent all last week in a severe state of worry about TC and ended up being referred to the hospital Friday night. But that's a whole other blog post in itself!

We've also had Mini Cheddar turning 4 in the middle of all this. Cue birthday day celebrations followed by a big party at the weekend.

My life just seems like a long 'to do' list.

None of which seems to be getting done.

What am I doing?

Where are the days going?

I don't seem to be achieving anything right now.

I see images on Instagram or blog posts with family days out or fun days in and I can't help but feel completely jealous. I'm a stay-at-home-mum. Surely I can find time to fill my children's lives with fun activities?

I'm feeling like a failure.

I seem to be shouting a lot too.

Then I feel incredibly guilty. Even though MC is testing her boundaries a little, I still shouldn't be raising my voice to her. What sort of example am I setting?

I love my children more than anything. The guilt that I'm not being a good Mummy right now is tearing me apart and making me feel even worse. It's like a vicious circle.

TC is almost back to 100% health, thankfully. He'll be celebrating his 1st birthday next Thursday (28th) and I want to do something special.

Really special.

Susanne has inspired me to do a cake smash, that much I have thought about, but the rest is unknown. We have immediate family coming over the day after his birthday for a small get-to-gether. However, the thought of having to even cater for that and clean the house just makes me want to curl up in a ball.

Yes, I feel a bit lost about his birthday too.

How can I be planning and celebrating his 1st birthday when another mother...another blogger...a friend is grieving for her beautiful baby girl?

So yes, I'm feeling a little bit lost.

In fact, this blog post is a little bit lost.

I don't even know where it's going.  All I know is that I need to blog my feelings tonight, even though they are a little bit lost.

Let's hope I find myself again soon.

Photo credit

Pregnancy Patter - 34 Weeks And Fighting Bad Feelings

I'm quite up and down at the moment.

Some days I'm fairly full of life and positive but there's something eating away at me which has been since 1st August when I first found out I was pregnant. This has only been fed more by some devastating news I found out on Thursday just gone.

Our neighbours who were expecting a baby a mere 7 weeks after our baby is due have recently lost their little bundle. I don't know the full details, I'm not sure I want to (as awful as that sounds) but they had to go through the birth knowing the outcome - their baby had died.

I can't begin to imagine the pain they must be feeling and they are constantly on my mind. We were only at their wedding in the early summer. It's just heartbreaking.

I know it happens. Only in 2010, my friends Sister lost her baby at 36 weeks. That was a complete shock to the system. I'm not stupid, I know so many pregnancies end in miscarriage but when it's so close to home it feels more 'real' if that makes sense.

The thing is, all along in this pregnancy I've been so much more nervous, so much more aware of the possibility of things going wrong. I can't quite put my finger on it but I think it's due to a number of things.  The miscarriages I hear about, whether in 'real life', in the news or through blogs I read. The fact having given birth to a beautiful daughter I am more aware of what I stand to lose if something goes wrong. The worry that I can't possibly be blessed with two happy, healthy and beautiful children. I just can't shake this bad feeling.

All these thoughts have been spinning around in my head for a long while now but the news last Thursday really brought them all up to the surface once and for all. I've shed a few tears and I try to keep busy to keep my mind away from bad thoughts but it's so hard. I've said before how active this baby is so when I don't feel any movement for a while I start to panic and it causes me really restless nights. So I'm either kept awake by the baby constantly kicking me in the ribs or I'm kept awake with worry about lack of movement. I can't win.

I feel drained.

I feel nervous.

I keep telling myself I'm silly to dwell on things so much but pregnancy emotions really don't help.

It's also not helped by the fact that Matt is flying to the U.S. on Friday and he won't be back until the following Tuesday. This is the longest he's been away, plus he's never been away over a weekend before...let alone over 3,500 miles away! He has to go as it's a job interview and a superb opportunity - I've told him to go - but I'm nervous. I'll be 35 weeks and I'm just hoping I don't go into premature labour. I need him here. I want him here. He has to be here.

I'm guessing what will be, will be though and no amount of worrying is going to help me - or the baby.

I have the appointment with my consultant tomorrow which should determine the choice of birth. I'll let you know how that goes in my next update.

I'm sorry this is a depressing post, I just needed to get it all out - having a blog is great therapy sometimes.