I'm quite up and down at the moment.Some days I'm fairly full of life and positive but there's something eating away at me which has been since 1st August when I first found out I was pregnant. This has only been fed more by some devastating news I found out on Thursday just gone.
Our neighbours who were expecting a baby a mere 7 weeks after our baby is due have recently lost their little bundle. I don't know the full details, I'm not sure I want to (as awful as that sounds) but they had to go through the birth knowing the outcome - their baby had died.
I can't begin to imagine the pain they must be feeling and they are constantly on my mind. We were only at their wedding in the early summer. It's just heartbreaking.
I know it happens. Only in 2010, my friends Sister lost her baby at 36 weeks. That was a complete shock to the system. I'm not stupid, I know so many pregnancies end in miscarriage but when it's so close to home it feels more 'real' if that makes sense.
The thing is, all along in this pregnancy I've been so much more nervous, so much more aware of the possibility of things going wrong. I can't quite put my finger on it but I think it's due to a number of things. The miscarriages I hear about, whether in 'real life', in the news or through blogs I read. The fact having given birth to a beautiful daughter I am more aware of what I stand to lose if something goes wrong. The worry that I can't possibly be blessed with two happy, healthy and beautiful children. I just can't shake this bad feeling.
All these thoughts have been spinning around in my head for a long while now but the news last Thursday really brought them all up to the surface once and for all. I've shed a few tears and I try to keep busy to keep my mind away from bad thoughts but it's so hard. I've said before how active this baby is so when I don't feel any movement for a while I start to panic and it causes me really restless nights. So I'm either kept awake by the baby constantly kicking me in the ribs or I'm kept awake with worry about lack of movement. I can't win.
I feel drained.
I feel nervous.
I keep telling myself I'm silly to dwell on things so much but pregnancy emotions really don't help.
It's also not helped by the fact that Matt is flying to the U.S. on Friday and he won't be back until the following Tuesday. This is the longest he's been away, plus he's never been away over a weekend before...let alone over 3,500 miles away! He has to go as it's a job interview and a superb opportunity - I've told him to go - but I'm nervous. I'll be 35 weeks and I'm just hoping I don't go into premature labour. I need him here. I want him here. He has to be here.
I'm guessing what will be, will be though and no amount of worrying is going to help me - or the baby.
I have the appointment with my consultant tomorrow which should determine the choice of birth. I'll let you know how that goes in my next update.
I'm sorry this is a depressing post, I just needed to get it all out - having a blog is great therapy sometimes.
66 comments:
OMG, big hugs, as someone one day behind you in terms of pregnancy, I can definitely sympathise with this one. It has crossed my mind. Have I been so good, etc. But you can't determine these things, there might have been something wrong, all might be ok for you. As I'm sure you've had all the scans, etc, and everything is growing correctly. You have to remain calm, for you, baby and your daughter.
Your hubby going away is rubbish but the outcome could be so good. Better to be now than in a fortnight ;-)
Hope this blog has made you feel better :-)
I felt exactly the same with my second pregnancy. I was on tenterhooks the entire time. So much worse than with my first. I agree I think it's because you know how much you love your first child. It can't help having such close experience of loss during late pregnancy. It's absolutely terrible, I remember Lily Allen losing her baby and we were around the same stage in pregnancy and I was near hysterical with worry. My husband also went away when I was nearly 35wks pregnant (only for a couple of days but even that made me nervous)
I guess what I'm saying is it's natural to be worried but that you can't let the worry take over. You need to remember that the chances of anything going wrong are so low and that everything will be fine XX
Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal.
I went through all of this and it was bloody hard.
I was aware with Charles that I could lose him at any point. I actually think its a positive thing to feel like this.
As you said, and I was going to say this exact thing to you, you know what you could possibly lose.
Keep yourself busy whilst Matt is away. Worrying about it will make you feel worse. I know its hard, I really do, I was bad and sick with worry when my husband worked an hour away from home!
Have your support system in place though in case. It'll make you feel better knowing that IF anything did happen you can just ring X, X and X.
As the midwife said to me when I addressed my worry at having Jonathan working in the city and my other support network all on holiday/seeing Take That etc, just call 999 if you need to.
I'm probably making things worse. I don't mean to.
Biggest hugs to you. It will all be ok xxx I promise xxx
I am 28 weeks and know exactly how you feel. I have friends whove been through still birth and late-stage miscarriage and I can never shake the feeling that until that baby is out, and in your arms, you aren't safe. Which I feel does take the joy out of being pregnant a little but but it's impossible not to worry. We nearly lost my daughter when she was 14 weeks old so I know that when number 2 is young I am going to be hovering over every sign of illness or abnormality! Being a parent- its not easy. X
Surround yourself with positivity - the baby shares your aura and your energy. Do whatever it takes to surround yourself in a coccoon of sacredness and positivity.
These thoughts and concerns are natural but do not let them overwhelm you.
Be strong and know that everything will be okay.
I will say some prayers for you.
Liska xxx
I'm so sorry to hear you are worried. Yes miscarriages happen and it's devastating but I think you need to chat to your dr to understand risks are greatly reduced the further along you are. Perhaps meeting with a counsellor might benefit you and help ease your mind. I'm sure everything will be fine.
I agree completely with Lauren, its completely normal love and its a fact that whatever situation we are dealing with in life we seek out (subconsciously) information on, and can be more prone to taking in the negative and not the positive of that information, so that healthy deliveries are massively more prominent than the other outcome, but our focus lies on those that are not so lucky. The fact that you and Matt spend so much time together as well, working and living together mean that your worries about him going away are also perfectly normal, I'd like to say its dead easy to feel better but I know its not, Matt is really not so far away you know - if anything were to happen he could be on the next flight, and look at your previous experience you didnt go into early labour and so far (as far as I know) you havent had any indicators to say you might now - focus on getting past his trip, then try and relax into it, you are in sight of the finish now lovely, really nearly there, if you need someone to buzz over and keep you company then just shout while he is away xx
So sorry to hear that you are feeling like this at the moment. I really want to give you a great big hug as I know exactly how you're feeling. I spend so much time worrying that something bad might happen. It doesn't help when you hear of other's misfortune and the celebrity stories like Kelly Brook and Amanda Holden who lost babies late in their pregnancy. I guess you just have to focus on the fact that the chances of losing a baby at this late stage are really slim. Easier said than done though I know.
And sorry that your hubby has to go away this weekend. I am terrible when it comes to my husband being more than about an hour away. I feel so vulnerable at the moment. He's even stopped drinking alcohol - not he drinks a lot - just in case he needs to rush me to hospital in the middle of the night.
Sorry I've probably not said much to reassure you about stuff but just wanted to let you know you are not alone in the way you're feeling x x x
So sorry to hear about your friend, and the effect that her loss is having on you. Is there anyone who can stay with you over the weekend, so you feel more secure? It might just help xxx
That's truly so heartbreaking.
With twins, the term "high risk" was repeated so many times it made me nauseous. I was anxious the entire time, thinking that at any moment something would go wrong. It's a horrible feeling.
Hugs and smooches!
Oh bless you, poor flower. It's completely understandable - all of it. Such a devastating shock and the loss of your friend's sister's baby when you are so heavily pregnant...
You WILL feel better before long, but no telling you to not worry or feel positive will make you do so until you do. If that makes sense... Perhaps some relaxation techniques would help when it all gets a bit much and the dwelling spirals down and down (from someone who dwells a hell of a lot! :))I hope that the consultants appointment puts your mind at rest a little - and fingers crossed for the job interview! xX
Oh Heather, it's understandable you feel a bit up and down at the moment. I have had more anxieties this pregnancy than my first but have chilled out a lot now towards the end. I have been shielded from recent horror stories and have just become a little more hardened to them. My cousin had a stillbirth at about 24 weeks last year and I was so upset as it was so tragic. You just never know what life is going to throw at you but you have to remember for the most part people are ok and that what is meant to be will be. I can't imagine my hubby going away for a week and I know I would feel exactly the same as you. Just remember your emotions are heightened now, I know mine are and we are on the brink of such an exciting chapter in our lives, we need to cherish every moment. Big hugs flying your way :-) xx
try to not to dwell on the negative and think positive.
Look after you - if only I was nearer I'd take you to lunch or cup cakes and tea.
It will be OK, I think given the desperately sad scenario so close to home it's natural to feel nervous and worried.
Hope blogging it out helped.
Big X to you
Heather, it is absolutely normal what U R going through! When I was pregnant, I had similar fears, in fact I put my husband to listen to my little one's heart beat everyday! We even bought a stethoscope...(ha! ha!)...didn't work...! Sadly, we can't change nature's course, but what we can do is be positive! I think it's DM time!
It's understandable that you feel nervous, especially given what has happened to friends. It does make it seem more real that these things happen when it is close to home. It's easy to say this when you're not in someone shoes feeling the way you do but try and keep busy and keep positive. Enjoy your last 5 weeks with MC before your new baby arrives and try and enjoy the last 5 weeks of your pregnancy. It won't be long until your little one is here for you to cuddle! Good luck to your OH with his interview!
Oh Heath, this breaks my heart, I just want to get on a train to the Northern land and come and give you a hug. Totally normal feelings but that doesn't make them go away. On a more positive note - job interview in the US????? Does that mean there is a chance you may be able to fulfil one of your dreams, to live there? xxxxx
This has brought tears to my eyes Heather...I know exactly what you mean, I was worried too..I think it's normal when you hear so many stories...I bought a doppler to put my mind at ease..although I was perhaps a little obsessive with it.
So sorry to hear about your neighbour..it must be so hard....just give us a shout if you need me...I'm only over the border....and I have plenty of towels just waiting to be put to good use!
x
Oh how I feel for you and the wretched pregnancy hormones. Everyone has been so supportive below, I second all of your comments, you've just got to have faith and recognise that bad things do happen sadly around us and it doesn't mean they'll happen to us. You need a good rom com DVD this weekend - wish I was closer we could do popcorn and chocolate :) Big hugs my love, not long now
I know, I know I'm silly to be thinking these thoughts and it's not doing me or the baby any good but you know what it's like...us women and our hormones! I wish you lived closer too Mari, we'd have such a giggle but aren't you off to Italy this weekend or did I mix my dates up (wouldn't surprise me)? I bet you can't wait! Are you taking your duck? :) xx
Aw Helen, thank you - that comment made me well up a bit too. I have a doppler from my pregnancy with MC but it's still in the loft. I've thought about digging it out but I know I'd be using it all the time and not sure it would be good for me.
I have my Sister on stand-by for birth partner but she hasn't a clue what to do so if she's stuck we may be calling on you and your towels ;) xx
I wish we lived nearer my lovely, I miss you so much. September seems such an age away when I last gave you a hug. We won't be moving to the US, I couldn't leave my family and friends. I'd love to live there as you know but I don't think I could do it. No, this role is UK and Europe based but HO is in Arlington, VA so they want to see him. He never thought he's get this far with the interview and was having serious second-thoughts last night!!! MEN! xxxxx
Aw, thank you Laura. From what everyone's saying - even one of my closest friends - it's completely natural the feelings I'm having. This post and the responses have really helped xx
I need them to tour again...not seen them since Dec 2009 :( Thank you, I believe it is natural the worry I am experiencing. Time to get some DM on You Tube to cheer myself up xx
Blogging it definitely helped Gemma and thank you. Oh how I wish we could 'do lunch'. I hate being so far away from such wonderful friends xx
Thanks Hannah. I'm feeling a bit more positive today - had my consultant appointment this morning. Baby has been kicking my ribs to bits since 8.30am so I know all is ok! It is awful experiencing a still birth so close to home - I hope your cousin is okay. Yes, it's all happening soon and I guess we should just enjoy our last few weeks with Beastie and Mini Cheddar :) xx
I think some relaxation techniques will be a good idea, funnily enough I was just chatting to someone on twitter about this. I know dwelling on things isn't good but it's in my nature too - so hard isn't it! Thank you lovely xx
Aw thanks C :) To be honest I'm probably best on my own and I am looking forward to doing lots of things with MC - I've tried to turn it into a weekend of uninterrupted fun with her before the new baby arrives. I have my Sister on stand-by (she only lives a 10 min drive away) just incase though and my parents are only 10-15 mins away too xx
Aw no, thank you for the lovely comment hun. I'm glad you're feeling the same (as awful as that sounds)...it's just good to know I'm not alone in my silly feelings! The things our hormones and minds put us through eh! Hope you are doing okay xx
Spoken like a true professional counsellor lovely - thank you. Thank you for such a lovely comment. I'm feeling a lot better today, have had my hospital appointment which has eased my mind. I'm going to focus on having some 'Mummy and Daughter' time this weekend and treat is as doing lots of things with her before the new baby arrives so it will be like our special weekend. Thanks for the offer of company, you know you are always welcome to call in anytime but I'm fine honestly...if you are passing then we'd love to see you but don't make any special journey xx
From what everyone has said on here and speaking to some friends of mine, it's very natural what I'm experiencing. I had a hospital appointment this morning and it helped fill me with more positivity :) Thanks hun xx
Aw thanks Liska. I'm feeling a lot more positive today after my hospital appointment. Hope you and A are well. Hugs xx
Got it one - being a parent isn't easy. Will all the amazing feelings come concerns and fears. The things we do eh! I hope you are feeling well in your pregnancy. I can't even begin to imagine the horror you went through when your daughter was 14 weeks old :( Thank you for your comment xx
Thank you honey. I am feeling a lot better today and more positive - helped by the fact this little bundle hasn't stopped wriggling since 8.30am today! Even if it does hurt I'll take the pain to know all is ok :) From what everyone says it is natural to feel like I've been feeling so this makes me feel better. I plan to have some special 'Mummy and Daughter' time whilst Matt is away which will be lovely. I have my Sister and Parents on hand for any emergencies :) Thanks for the hugs and words of support xx
It is this weekend and I'm so excited I can barely contain myself. I am taking my duck Kate, it will be her first trip with me and I have 23 kilos worth of luggage for a two day trip (packed with goodies for the kids) You keep positive m'lady whilst I'm gone xx
Thanks Annwen. It's so lovely to hear everyone has experienced the same feelings for their second pregnancy. I only have 5/6 weeks left and I really want to enjoy time with my daughter before the new baby so I know I need to put these feelings to the back of my mind. I'm feeling a lot more positive today and blogging it out has definitely helped xx
Aw thank you lovely. Hope you are feeling okay. It's crazy what our hormones and mind does to us during pregnancy. The blog has definitely helped and all the lovely and supportive comments have too xx
Aw, have a LOVELY time. How fab. At least you have a travel companion, even if she is a bit quackers! Thanks Mari, I will :) xx
Wow! Dec.'09? At the O2? I was there & pregnant! ( didn't plan that very well!) They were brilliant! When I'm a bit low, I do watch a comedy or read something uplifting! It does wonders! Also a good session of DM is a tonic! :o)
You poor, poor thing. I hope your worries ease at some point soon and you can enjoy what's left of your pregnancies. x
Hi there. I'm really sorry to hear about how you're feeling. I can understand it though as I'm 39 weeks and start to worry if I haven't felt him for a while. So sorry to hear about what happened to your neighbours-an awful thing to have to go through. Not a lot I can say to take your feelings away but do try and stay positive. Sincere warm wishes. x
By all means do write and clear your head. Its natural to worry about these things when pregnant. Do don't really relax untill you've had your baby and held him/her in your arms. Then once the dust has settled you begin to worry about other things. So write, pray, and talk about your feelings.
I said only last week how I would make a good birthing partner.....this was said whilst on my knees in the toilet coaxing Jack to push his poo out......'pushpushpushpushpushpushpush'.... x
Aw, thank you hun. Hope you are okay. North Wales sends you it's love :) xx
Thank you lovely. 39 weeks already? I can't wait to get to that point! Not looking forward to these forthcoming few weeks. Hope you are well xx
Thank you, blogging it out has certainly helped lots xx
No, I was at Manchester - I went out early doors to do some shopping with my Sister (also a fan) and then we went to eat and to the gig. My daughter was 9 months old and it was the longest I had been away from her :)
Yeah, we do the old 'poo push' routine here too :D x
I was so paranoid when I had Mads and I just couldn't shake the feeling off- I just wanted her here healthy and I was consumed with fear that something would go wrong. I hope I won't feel like that when I fall pregnant again, but I probably will. What you have to remember is it so rare though- I hope you feel better about everything soon Heather x
oh bless you, I remmeber those awful feelings when I was pregnant and it was alot worse with my seond and third babies, I'm so sorry to hear of your neighbours unfortunately these awful things do happen but we have to keep thinking positive hope the weekend goes quickly for you so your husband is back with you before you know it lots of hugs being sent your way xxx
It's funny because although obviously I worried with MC I didn't have this fear of dread hanging over me like I have done this time. Thanks hun xx
Thank you Sarah :) I'm hoping the weekend goes quick too but I'm going to use it to have some special 'Mummy and Daughter' time before the new arrival. It's awful what our minds make us go through...we worry about getting pregnant, then we worry when we are pregnant and then once they are here safe we worry about them staying safe! It's never ending haha xx
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