I'm Keeping My Big Mouth Shut In Future

I expect there are quite a few mums that hate me at the moment.

I have a 14 week old baby who will sleep 9-10 hours straight at night. He will have a quick feed, doesn't need changing most nights and goes straight back off.

It's bliss. I'm sorry.

However, I am not going to be smug. I'm going to just be prepared for the unexpected in future.

Yes, I'm just going to keep my big mouth shut!

As I turned off the bedside lamp last night I said to Matt, "You know what, I can't remember the last time he did under 7 hours straight".

I should have known as soon as those words fell from my lips that I was asking for trouble.

It's like when I have said "He hasn't cried at all today" and 5 minutes later he starts hollering just as we all sit down for dinner.

It's also like when I've said "He had quite a windy feed and burped loudly but wasn't sick" just as he vomits at the feet of people queuing up for their Sunday carvery in a pub.

Yup, last night he did 5 and a half hours.

Now, before any sleep deprived mums start throwing their laptops, tablets or phones across the room in anger because their little people only manage 2 or 3 hours, let me explain...

I've had a baby like that. Mini Cheddar didn't sleep through until she was much older. I've felt the sheer awfulness of utter sleep deprivation. So, this time I'm making the most of having a 'sleeper'.

That was until last night.

He woke up in some discomfort just before 2.30am. I decided to wind him but to no avail. By this time he seemed frantic for food so I latched him on. He fed very calmly and seemed extremely content. It was all a ruse. A secret baby plan to lull me into a false sense of sleepy security - like Stewie from Family Guy secretly plotting his next move. I, meanwhile, happily played on Draw Something (so shoot me) and emailed a friend.

He fed for a long time - a lot longer than usual. Then I felt an eruption in the nappy area.

The cause of the discomfort had finally reared it's head (or should I say bottom?)...or so I thought.

When he'd finished his feed I took him into the nursery and placed a very sleepy man onto the change table. As I opened his nappy I thought I noticed something on his 'little man'. Now, mums of boys will know the telltale sign that your man is about to pee by the column in question standing to attention.

No, it was all clear.

I moved in for a closer inspection just to check everything was okay (it was).

Just then it erupted. Yup, the good old urine fountain.

In a moment of sleep deprived panic I ducked and pushed him gently to his side away from me instead of grabbing a tissue to cover up the little offender.

The wee hit the nursery wall and ran down the back of the change table. It also covered his sleep suit.

Just as the realisation of what had happened hit me I heard a loud noise. I peered over the edge of the change table to see what I can only describe as a 'yellowy river' which was, as it felt like at the time, the size of the Amazon, run from his rear end soaking the towel he was lying on. It was a pooptastrophe of korma calamity proportions again.

Great.

By this point I think I'd been awake with him 2 hours. I could hear the birds starting to sing the dawn chorus - those chirpy happy buggers...I've never wanted a shotgun so much before!

I started to tackle his tackle, mopping up the pee and poo, whilst cursing under my breath at my husband who was snoring in the bedroom across the landing, completely oblivious to the crappy carnage that I was dealing with!

Just then, Tiny Ched opened his eyes and gave me the biggest gummiest grin ever.

My heart melted.

Then he puked all over himself.

Moral of the story. Just shut the hell up.

Don't let this pose lull you into a false sense of security

The Poo Cycle

He wants feeding.

I feed him.

He poos.

He falls asleep in pooy nappy.

I change him.

He wakes up.

He wants feeding.

I feed him.

He poos.

He falls asleep in pooy nappy.

I change him.

He wakes up.

He wants feeding.

You get the gist. The never ending poo cycle! How you are ever meant to get anything done or leave the house sometimes with a poo cycler is beyond me.

Almost 8 weeks old and crapping for Britain. There should be an award for it...he'd take on every baby in the world and win hands down.

Sometimes we change him thinking he's filled his nappy only to discover it was just a little 'blipper'. Then he's all awake wanting food and afterwards usually fills his lovely clean nappy completely. I'm sooooo going to invent see-through nappies and take them on Dragon's Den. I'm convinced Peter Jones and Theo Paphitis would invest.

Despite the poo there's this...

How can you get frustrated with the poo cycle when he looks like that?

Biased, I may be, but my boy is gorgeous.

You Know You've Just Had A Baby When...

...you permanently walk around with a boob out of your nursing top

...you forget to put said boob away when you answer the door to the postman

...you walk around with a milky sick stain on your shoulder all the time

...your hairbrush has a battle to de-tangle your hair because of the dried sick in it

...dry shampoo is your new best friend

...when you hear the dreaded 'sick' noise over your shoulder you hope it's fresh milk and not curdled smelly milk

...you make new friends from America, Canada and Australia on Twitter because of tweeting at 4am GMT

...you hear the birds wake up

...you get annoyed at how happy the birds are first thing in the morning

...you wonder why there's a wet patch on your lap/groin, then realise you forgot to put your boob away. Again

...if you have to spend more than 48 hours in the house you get severe cabin fever

...you eat constantly but still lose weight (yaye for breastfeeding!)

...your washing machine is constantly on

...you never seem to reach the bottom of the washing pile despite the washing machine being on all the time

...there are clothes drying EVERYWHERE around the house (sod off rain!)

...you decide to wear the same item of clothing 3 days in a row because 'it will only get sicked on anyway'

...you hear your husband snoring peacefully at 4am and deliberately cough/sneeze/yawn loudly/fart to wake him up

...you don't so much as flinch when you get baby poop on your hand

...you are obsessed with the colour/consistency of said poop

...you never want to eat a chicken korma again

...4am is the new time to draft blog posts

"Ok, I hold my hands up - it's all MY fault"

This is a follow-on post from my You Know You're Pregnant When... post

"My Child Mastered The Potty In A Day" - Oh Feck Off!

Looks so easy doesn't it?

Today has been a somewhat distressing day in our household.

For those of you who don't know, I started properly toilet training Mini Cheddar on Monday so we are now on day 4. It all started out so well with 2 great successes Monday (even a poo!) and another one Tuesday...yesterday we had nothing and today was just a constant battle.

I've tried toilet training her a couple of months ago but she was a bit constipated so I stopped.

This week was going to be different. No constipation. No play school (half term). No engagements. Just me, my daughter and the potty.

I thought training her would be a doddle, she knows when she's going, she knows she needs to do her "wee wee's and poo poo's" on the potty, she has great communication and she's intelligent.

I was so naive.

After the successes earlier this week, MC has now resorted to jumping up and down getting all stressed and shouting "Mummy! Mummy!" when she wants to go. I tell her it's time to get the potty out and she starts getting upset. She eventually sits on it for 5 minutes, says she doesn't need a wee wee anymore, pulls her pants up and then urinates. Everywhere.

It's so hard to try and not get frustrated.

"Maybe there's a 'potty whisperer' we can pay to come and help us" my husband jokes this evening as he looks at how knackered I am.

"Haha, yeah maybe" I fake laugh "Be back in a minute".

Obviously I jump straight on the laptop. Hey, don't judge me - desperate times call for desperate measures and all that! Besides, I'm sure I've heard the term 'potty whisperer'* used before. I think I'd pay £1000 right now to get someone in to train MC, that's how bad today has been.

Thanks for those of you who offered your support on Twitter earlier today when I sent out a tearful tweet (Husband had taken MC to the post office for 10 minutes so I could have a frustrated, knackered cry to myself). So glad none of you tweeted back how your child picked it up in a day. I had that last month and I wanted to scream in the persons face! Think they are the same breed of person who tell you how their 2 week old sleeps through 12 hours a night when your 1 year old has you up every few hours.

If you have any pearls of wisdom then I'd love to hear them, if you're one of those people above then move along...nothing to see here!

Here's to the on-going potty saga.

It wouldn't be so bad if I could have a few glasses of wine at night to ease the pain. Guess I'll just have to slope off and weep into a glass of orange juice. Remind me again why I'm having another baby?


*The potty whisperer is a technique that you start on newborns by making a "pssss" noise in their ears when you want them to 'go'. My Sister who has travelled to some pretty remote places in the world says they use it in places they don't have nappies for their children.

I'll Never Eat A Dried Strawberry Ever Again

My blog became slightly legendary (ok, maybe I'm exaggerating a lot there but it did develop a bit of a reaction at the time) a while back because of a couple of poo blog posts. If you're feeling a bit strange, a bit sick or fancy a giggle and haven't read them then please feel...you can find them here:

What's On The Specials Menu Today Then?
Revenge Is Sweet

Well, it seems that more poo hilarity has ensued in the Lucas household today.

I honestly thought Mini Cheddar would be a doddle to potty train. For a two and a half year old, her speech is fantastic. I'm not just saying that because I'm her Mummy - everyone we meet can't believe how well she speaks for her age.  She fully understands that the potty or toilet is where we do our 'wee wees and poo poos' and she knows when she's going etc.

See how I thought it would be easy. Well, how naive was I?

When I started to introduce it to her the other month she did great. In fact, by her second day she even asked for the potty, waited for me to get her on it and did a wee straight away.

I don't know what happened but she's regressed totally. Maybe it's because she's started play school (although she does go to the toilet at play school!) or maybe it's because she now knows I'm expecting another baby.  Who knows?  I can tell she needs to go so I get the potty or get her to the toilet and she goes mad. She will scream the place down and say she doesn't need to go. Then a minute later she's wet herself.

To say I was totally at the end of my tether the other day is an understatement. Let's just say, out of sight of MC I sobbed my heart out with pure frustration. Yes, it was that bad.

Mmmm strawberry poo

So, trying not to be defeated, I turned to my old friend Google. I found an article that said I should try and introduce a doll and get the doll to 'go potty'. I actually bought one of those dolls that drinks and will wee (lovely). It even came with it's own potty.

It all started so well. MC fed the doll, the doll went to the potty and we celebrated with a tea party - we blew up balloons and ate some sweeties.

Then MC said the dolly needed a poo. Wanting to be as realistic as possible I grabbed a few dried strawberries (I'll never eat another one ever again!) from the cupboard and when MC wasn't looking I put them in the potty under the doll.

MC was delighted when she checked if dolly had 'been'.

She wasn't so delighted when our dog, Betty, came into the lounge and ate the fake poo.

Silent Sunday #28

The Gallery - My Blog

That Tara is a pesky lady.  She tries to stump us last week with the 'Tomorrow' theme and promises us an easier week this week.  What does she do?  She goes and picks the hardest theme yet *shakes fist at Tara*  I will NOT be beaten...WILL NOT I tell you! 

So....'My blog'.

I had no idea when I started blogging at the beginning of the year where it would take me. I didn't realise there was a whole world of 'mummy bloggers' out there and just kind of stumbled across British Mummy Bloggers (aka Brit Mums) when I saw the badge on another blog - I joined up and hey presto, I was thrust head first into the lovely world of blogging.

Two weeks after my first ever blog post I discovered Jay's Silent Sunday and indeed The Gallery.  My passion for photography lead me to not miss a week of these link-ups yet!

So this is the photo which I think sums up my blog:

My daughter, Mini Cheddar, is the main focus of my blog.  I started my blog because I wanted somewhere to document my journey as a stay at home mum with her - for her.  Like an online diary. I never expected anyone to read it but it's rather lovely that it does get readership and I've made some fabulous new blogging friends.

As I've already mentioned, I have a mild passion for photography which sees me owning 3 cameras plus my iPhone camera (I took this photo with my iPhone).  There's my trusty Nikon DSLR, my Canon 'point and shoot' and my Diana which Mini Cheddar is kindly modeling.  Taking part in Silent Sunday and The Gallery is now part of my weekly routine.

My blog is also about me but I decided not to appear in the photo because a) I look like crap at the moment and b) It would involve me having to get my photographically challenged husband to take the photo.

Oh and some of you may have noticed the stuffed toy dog in the nappy.  That's because I couldn't mention my blog without mentioning that post now could I?

Now head on over and check out all the other entries...

I'm Not MAD...I'm A Bit Sad

I wasn't going to do this.  I told myself I wouldn't blog about it but the more and more I think about it the more I feel I have to.

Basically, the MAD Blog Awards are underway - they celebrate the best parenting bloggers in the UK. When the nomination form went live last week I saw posts popping up asking for nominations and I felt a little dubious about it. Maybe it's because I'm a new blogger or maybe it's just because it came on the back of the whole Tots 100 controversy.

For those of you who didn't hear (although you'd have to be on another planet not to) there was a big hooha - I've just discovered hooha is also a word used for vagina, I did not know that - anyway, yes there was a big hooha about a lot of people dropping way down in the Tots 100 ranking last week. Some people took to their blogs whilst others took to Twitter.

A few of you know that I felt extremely uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Why? Because I'd only been blogging 3 months and I went up 200 places from 262 to 62 so I made it inside the top 100.  I know I should have felt happy but I didn't, I felt rotten. I felt awful because there are so many amazing blogs ranked way below me that should be above me. Yes I've worked hard on my blog, I take time out to talk to people, I try and join in with great memes as well as ramble on with my own posts (not always poo related) but I just don't feel like I deserve to be above some of the people on there.  I actually lost sleep over it. I know, I worry too much!

I'm not a competitive person in the slightest and I think the rankings and ratings brings out a side sometimes that I just don't like and I just didn't feel happy with the whole situation. I got over it after a few days though and moved on.

THEN, the first taster of who had been nominated for the MADs came out on Monday and I was on there. I was alerted via Twitter and excitedly clicked straight on the Best New Blog....I was there.  I was happy. This was the one I was kind of hoping I may get nominated for. Just to be nominated was enough, I don't expect to go on and win it.  I struggled to vote for this myself as there are so many amazing new blogs out there so I voted for the one that, when I first started blogging I never realised was a relatively new blog. I think that's the sign of a great new blog.

Then I started looking through the other nominations to check the people I'd voted for were on there. I was on quite a few of them too. Anyone who knows me in real life knows I can be a little insecure and I shy away from attention, hence my feelings on the Tots 100 ranking.  Maybe it stems from my Dad being on the local Carnival Committee when I was young and to 'make up the numbers' he made me enter Miss Mynydd Isa one year and I slipped over walking in front of the judges! Who knows? Damn, I should have saved that story for another post!  I've also blogged about my issues with shying away from attention here.

I sat in stunned silence and felt that awkward uncomfortable feeling like I did with the Tots 100. My real life friend Alyson over at Alysons Blog has taken the decision to remove herself from the nominations.  I thought about following her lead but I don't think I need to. I think I just need to be open about my feelings on the awards I have been nominated for.

Looking through the nominations I think there are some AMAZING blogs on there, blogs that really truly deserve to be there. There are also some blogs that I don't think should be on there (me included) but that's just my opinion, I guess these awards can be interpreted in different ways. Looking through some of the categories I've been nominated for makes me a little bit sad (an embarrassed sad) if I'm honest.

This is what I have been put forward for:

Best Family Fun Blog (blogs that inspire to get out and have fun with our families)
I don't think I should be in this category.  I did do a post about Mini Cheddar learning through play and have done a few others and some Gallery and Silent Sunday photos about it but that's it.  My blog doesn't inspire people to get out and have fun with their families - there are so many great blogs that do.

Best Family Life Blog (blogs that don't fit into a niche like craft or cooking etc.)
I guess I could just about see why I'd been nominated in this but the list of nominations in amazing and there are some great family life blog examples there.

Best New Blog (blogs that have made a big impression before their first birthday)
This was the one that I hoped I was nominated for so THANK YOU.  I've only been blogging 3 and a half months and I know that a lot of people are amazed when I tell them that - that is the biggest compliment ever.

Best Writer (blogs that we love for their writing)
This made me feel uncomfortable.  Seems whoever voted me for this loves their poo posts!  Thank you but honestly, I'm no George Orwell. There are some amazing people out there who write brilliantly.

Blogger Of The Year (all round blogger who moves, inspires and entertains us)
Well, I'm clearly moving people with my poo posts so why not?  No, seriously...I've only been blogging a short while, there are some amazing bloggers that I adore out there so if you're stuck for who to go for I can point you in the right direction!

Most Inspiring Blogger (those who inspire us with their words, courage or amazing spirit)
Like Alyson, this was the one that made me feel the most uncomfortable about the whole thing when I saw it. I should actually laugh - I'm not inspiring at all.  I mentioned this on Twitter and the lovely Claire over at The Grumpinator - Wean Machine said it was her who nominated me for this.  I was really touched but asked her why.  She emailed me with a lovely response but still, I honestly don't feel worthy of this.  Thank you again though Claire.  There are some incredibly inspiring bloggers out there, there are bloggers who I sit in awe of at their lives and their writing and bloggers who despite hardship, illness and family troubles are always positive and it really shines through in their blogs.

Post Of The Year (a post which celebrates a stroke of genius and stands out in the last 12 months)
I was honestly a little chuffed that my (I'll say it again as you can never have too much poo in one post) poo post made the list!  I've actually done a follow-up here if you fancy reading it (are you mad?).  I too voted for the post that made me smile the most so I'm glad that someone saw fit to smile enough to vote for it.

Best Pre-School Fun Blog (celebrate blogs with children aged 1-4)
Well, I guess my blog fits into that category so I don't have much of an argument for that one do I?  The lovely Liska at New Mum Online voted for me on this one I believe.  Thank you again Liska. Again though, there are far more worthy blogs than mine.


What I'm trying to say in a long-winded way, as usual, is that you should vote for the blogs that you truly 100% think deserve these awards.  Please PLEASE vote wisely. The blogs rely on the amount of nominations they receive to take them through to the next round so I'm hoping that the right blogs go through.

I'd also like to say a massive THANK YOU to those who have voted for me - even though a few of the nominations don't sit comfortably with me that doesn't mean I'm not extremely grateful.  I haven't divulged my blog to my friends and family so it's nice to know that people who actually read my blog and haven't met me in real life have voted for me.

If you haven't voted yet, take time to think about who you really care about in the blogging world.  You can use the link below (or the one on the side of my blog) to go through and vote.

What's On The Specials Menu Today Then?

Always ready to squeeze one out

You really can't expect to read a mummy blog and not be presented with the obligatory 'poo post' can you?

I've already talked about poo on my blog - dog poo. You'd expect a 'mummy blog' to be talking about baby/toddler poo but no...until now.  By the way, if you fancy another giggle please do check out my 'Revenge Is Sweet' poo post.  It's a corker (even if I do say so myself), if somewhat gross.

No amount of NCT classes can prepare you for the amount of poo that will become part of your everyday life once you have a baby.  Sure, everyone jokes about it.  Everyone tells you about the amount of nappies and how many you'll get through and how much you'll become an expert in Bristol Stool Chart!  But you never truly know until you've experienced it first hand.

Entering the land of motherhood later in life (35), I felt a certain amount of pressure to be a 'natural'.  I thought people would be judging me because of my age and for the first couple of months I was a bit freaked out at certain obstacles I faced...the first car journey over 30 minutes with baby, the first meal out with baby, the first food shop with baby and so on.  I guess everyone goes through this as a new mother but I felt more pressure because of my age in some respects, like people would be judging me thinking I was a rubbish mother for my age.  Like they expected me to be some sort of earth mother or something.  Stupid really.

Anyway, as usual I'm digressing totally.

Mini Cheddar was born 11th March 2009 and at the beginning of May we were due to go for a meal with our NCT teacher and the other 'students' from the class.  It was a daunting prospect.  3 couples, 3 babies and one NCT teacher, in a lovely Cheshire pub on an unseasonably hot Sunday lunch time.  Thankfully I'd met up with the 2 other girls and their babies beforehand so the pressure had eased slightly as all 3 of us were breastfeeding.  I didn't want to be the only one sat in the pub with my boob out!

I put Mini Cheddar in a cute outfit, packed up the change bag and set out with my husband to meet everyone.

Mini Cheddar was a delight.  She was happy and smiling in her pram.  We ordered and the pub started to fill up.  I started to relax.

Then one of my NCT friends asked to hold her.  Now I'm not sure if it was the movement, the excitement or what but all of a sudden I was just aware of all this stuff dripping out of her nappy onto the floor. Imagine someone had poured about 2 pints of korma through her and you may get the idea.

I was in shock, I just sat there open-mouthed for a while, not knowing what to do.  My husband just grabbed the first thing he could which happened to be the specials menu and caught most of it. I was distraught.  Not only was my gorgeous daughter dripping everywhere but my husband was using the specials menu as some sort of poo catcher.

Mini Cheddar then started screaming blue murder, thus drawing attention to the pootastrophe that was developing. People were being served their roast beef and yorkshire pudding and I was grabbing Mini Cheddar trying to calm her as well as keep the poo escapism to a minimum.

My husband and I headed off quickly to the baby change room which happened to be right by where we had been sitting.  Good in one way but also humiliating as Mini Cheddar just wouldn't stop hollering.  By the time we'd changed her nappy and clothes, the meals had arrived.  I didn't feel like eating and Mini Cheddar was still bawling so my husband and I took it in turns to bounce her up and down to comfort her whilst the other one picked at their meal still reeling from the korma calamity.

I felt like a million eyes were on us when I know in reality they weren't (I hope). However, I couldn't wait to get out of that place.  I still don't know what happened to the specials menu.  I'm guessing one of my friends disposed of it.

I'm just thankful we opted for Sunday lunch and we hadn't arranged to meet on a Tuesday - Curry Night!

Posted for The Friday Club Carnival

Revenge Is Sweet

Please don't read this post if you're eating, have just eaten or are about to eat.  Or you can't think about poop!  Although why you'd even be anywhere near a 'Mummy blog' and not be prepared to read about poop is beyond me.

Yes my daughter is still in nappies but thankfully the days of the squirty baby 'korma' poo are over.  Her poos are normal now and every day since that stage passed once she was weaned onto solids I have been grateful.

No more disastrous poo related incidents in the pub at the Sunday carvery with my husband using a specials menu to stop poo dripping onto the floor - true story *shudders with the very thought of the embarrassment*  Maybe I'll blog about that at a later date.

So, any mum will tell you that things rarely go to plan when you're about to embark on a night out with friends.  What's one of them I hear some of you cry?  I know, sometimes nights out can be like rocking horse poop.  Well, I was going out early doors with my best friend the other week and all was going well until I let the dog out.

My husband and I were sat in the lounge playing with my daughter who had just been fed.  I looked out of the patio window to see the dog doing that crouched over shaking thing.  Yes, she was 'shaking like a shitting dog' as the saying goes.

But something wasn't quite right.  I realised she was having a pootastrophe as I now call it.

Our dog, Betty, is 15 and suffering with doggie dementia, bless her.  She appeared to be struggling with a rather large turd that wasn't evacuating as it would normally do.

I ran out to the garden armed with a pair of rubber gloves and some tissue paper.  I get all the glamorous jobs don't I?

I must have frightened the poor pooch because, as I went to grab her, she decided to flip out causing the poo to fly everywhere across her rear-end and stick in her bum fur and then the worst happened...

She sat down on the patio.

It was like a poo massacre!

I was gagging loudly which only caused her to get more stressed out.

What did I do?

I made my husband make up for the last 6 weeks of me waiting on him hand and foot whilst he nursed his broken ankle and I made him clean that crap up!

Watching him hobbling about in the back garden trying to de-turd the dog with a bucket of warm soapy water and a pair of marigolds more than made up for it.

He can still buy me an iPad though.