All The Leaves Are Falling Down

As regular readers (if any are left!) will have noticed, my blogging has trailed off dramatically the past couple of years and has become practically non-existent since this May.

I know why.

I’ve been embracing ‘real life’ more and not wanting to sit down in front of my laptop and blog. This makes me happy but it also makes me sad because I’ve missed capturing some amazing moments of my life on my blog such as my 40^th birthday party last October (that post still remains half complete) and our whole month spent in Florida this year.

I’m at a crossroads and I don’t know what to do.

Time is precious and I want to stop it.

Right now!

MC and TC are both 6 and 3 years old now. I started this blog as a place to record my life as a stay-at-home mum and to document their early adventures so they had a place to read about it when I was older.

I feel like I’ve failed.

Although I have to admit, I have been keeping a little finger in the blogging pie, as it were, by writing some blog posts for Muddy Puddles who provide the most amazing children’s waterproofs and outdoor clothing. I love being a ‘Muddy Parent’. Not only does it mean we get sent a few items from the team, it encourages to become more outdoorsy – something which I openly admit we can fail at sometimes after a hard week. It also means that keeping myself in with blogging may encourage me to return properly.

Watch this space!

Anyway, we’ve explored more places around where we live and realised just how pretty awesome it is. The summer came and went in a flurry of outdoor adventures and then something big happened.

TC started nursery at his big sisters school this September.

With him only turning 3 in March, he seems so little in his uniform. His first day he was super excited and happy but the nerves kicked in when he got into class. Our daughter was allowed to go into his class to try and reassure him – it’s such a big deal for such small children.

Both the kids are well equipped for school with their coats from Muddy Puddles. What’s great is they have a dedicated section on their website for all your school needs. We love the ‘Originals Jacket’, which comes in 5 different colours, as it’s completely waterproof but so lightweight. Absolutely perfect for this time of year.

After a first week of a few of tears he has settled in great and is really starting to come out of himself. He chats our heads off at home and around people he knows but he can clam up in social environments. He had been going to playgroup four mornings a week up until July and not once did they hear him say one word!

I have to admit I was worried about him. He is a total mummy’s boy. The fact he didn’t speak at playgroup was a concern but I think, looking back, that we put pressure on him to speak which made the situation worse for him. We’ve since changed our tactics and ignored his lack of speech in these environments and just encouraged him more when he did speak in situations where he was anxious.

As the weather starts to turn noticeably cooler they are exploring Autumn at school and my usually quiet boy has suddenly taken to singing this little song he learnt at school…

All the leaves are falling down
Orange, yellow, red and brown

When I picked him up last week he was sporting a special “Super star” sticker and his teacher told me he’d actually sung in class. I was so happy! I finally think my little shy boy is realising he can get so much more out of things when he just lets himself go.

After school we went on a lovely walk in the Autumn sunshine and looked at the changing colours of the leaves. October really is a beautiful month to be out and about. Although it’s been unusually warm there is that freshness in the air that only the shoulder months can bring.

As we walked, we sang. I felt a lump in my throat.

All the leaves are falling down
Orange, yellow, red and brown

I feel like my little leaf is branching off on his own and I couldn’t be more proud.

I am proud to be part of the Muddy Puddles Muddy Parent team.

I am sent a small number of items but never receive any cash incentive.

All photographs, words, views and opinions are entirely my own.

 

#MeAndMine - A Family Portrait (March 2015)

Phew! March has been a hectic month.

It always is.

I have both children's birthdays falling within 17 days of each other in March. It means planning birthday days and planning parties that just takes up a lot of my time.

We've also been stepping up the Orlando holiday planning and have, today, told the kids the secret that we've been keeping for a year - we are taking them back to our 'second home'. The excitement in our house is building to fever point...and that's just Matt and I!

In amongst the excitement Matt and I have been consuming Breaking Bad episodes like they are, literally, drugs. It was something we never even looked at when it originally aired and so it's been great to just watch them all. One night we watched 3 back to back! As of today we are 4 episodes away from the very end of the last season - tense and exciting is an understatement. Part of me is wanting it to be over though so I get my evenings back. I don't think I've been so into a television series since Game Of Thrones...and that starts again soon. Argh!

Sorry, I'm digressing. My photo...

Back on March 11th it was MC's 6th birthday and she chose Pizza Express as her birthday restaurant. We had a lovely meal and, as always, the children were impeccably behaved. I guess it comes from eating out a lot but they are always great in restaurants. So, I asked the Manager to take a family photo of us. It turned out quite nice.

Here's to another month passing and getting closer to our amazing holiday!

Three Is The Magic Number - Happy Birthday TC

I can't believe TC is 3 years old today.

The days, weeks, months and now YEARS are going by in a blur.

Where is the time going?

His birthdays are always a little bittersweet as I can't help but think about Matilda Mae and how it should be her 3rd birthday a matter of weeks later. Today has been quite emotional because I always look at 3 as being such a big milestone in the life of a child.

They seem to grow so much between 3 and 4. This September he'll be starting in Nursery at MC's school.

I'm so proud of my baby boy. I waited a long time to start potty training with him, much longer than MC but he picked it up straight away so that's all sorted.

He is thriving more at Playschool too and, after Easter, he will be upping his mornings in readiness for September.

I know he's growing up so fast but he'll always be my baby boy.

28th March 2012

28th March 2013

28th March 2014

28th March 2015

Three really is the magic number.

Happy 3rd Birthday baby boy.

Love you always xx

Mummy's Boy! My fault?

Tiny Ched is my youngest.

My boy.

My baby.

My last.

Maybe it's my fault he's the way he is?

Maybe because I know I'm not having any more babies I've somehow made him more clingy.

He's a mummy's boy through and through.

"Want mummy to dress me!"

"Want Mummy to come!"

"Want Mummy to sit there!"

"Want mummy!"

"WANT MUMMY!"

"WANT MUMMY!"

It's both lovely and exhausting in equal measures.

Maybe it's a boy thing?

Maybe they are more dependent on their mothers?

MC was never like this.

Sure, she used to want me a lot but she was never this bad. She certainly never used to have to be physically peeled off me at the doorstep of play school.

Yes, TC has started going to play school. The same one that MC attended a few years back. The same women run it and I know how great it is there. The gender split is somewhat skewed there though.

"I think there was a 'boy boom' around here two years ago" they said to me as they signed him up before half term. "We have 18 children and only 4 of them are girls".

I think this could be where some of the problem lies. I'm not sure. TC is used to more female biased company. He spends a considerable amount of time with me and with MC. Also, he's certainly never been thrust into a situation where he's surrounded by 13 other boys - a couple of them boisterous at that.

Yesterday was only his 4th time at play school and I realise it's very early days but it was a particularly heart wrenching morning at the drop off. He started before we've even got out of the house...

"Don't want to go play school!"

Refusal to put his shoes and coat on.

"Want mummy come!"

Refusal to get in the car.

"Want mummy come to play school!"

Outside the gate he's sobbing. Not screaming or kicking. Just loud heart wrenching sobs and tugging at me to walk him away from the door.

The door opens.

The delivery of my boy is quick.

Like ripping a plaster off.

"It's the best way" they tell me.

As he's peeled from my arms he turns to me. Snot and tears fill his tiny face and he shouts "MUMMY!" with a look of terror one last time before they take him inside and I walk away.

I keep walking to the car.

I don't look back.

Snot and tears begin to fill my face.

I feel like the worst mother in the world.

I remember MC had a few wobbly moments. Half an hour later I would get a text message from play school to say she was fine. Sometimes they'd even send me a photo of her playing happily.

Not this time though.

They never text me about TC.

Because they know, and I know, he's not fine.

Through each session he doesn't want to join in. He doesn't want to play. He doesn't want to listen to stories. He doesn't want to have a drink or snack. He just stands there completely out of his depth silently sobbing occasionally.

Maybe it's my fault?

Maybe it is something I've done as a stay-at-home mum?

Maybe it's just a phase?

Maybe he'll grow out of it?

I really don't know.

What I do know though, is that having a mummy's boy is messing with my heart. On the one hand I want him to be independent but on the other I love the fact he wants me and I never want to let him go.

My boy.

My baby.

My last.

#MeAndMine - A Family Portrait (July 2014)

I had grand plans for this month.

I had it all decided that, on one of our family days out, I'd take my 'big' camera and set up a lovely photo of us all.

I had taken a 'selfie' shot of us as a back-up fairly early on in the month.

The back-up has since become this months actual photo!

I honestly don't know where the time goes. The months seem to be hurtling by so fast. We are now in the second week of the school holidays and it's lovely having MC at home. I think TC loves it too - their sister and brother bond is amazing to watch.

The gorgeous weather this month has helped so much. The first week of the holidays was lovely and so hot. Lots of days out and ice cream have been on the menu! Not doing much for my diet but at least we are all having fun.

We've also had some lovely downtime too.

My photo this month shows downtime. It's not the best photo but it's 'us'. We settled down one afternoon to take a break from the midday sun and watch a film. It was 'How To Train Your Dragon'. One we've seen before but we wanted a re-cap before watching the sequel. Does anyone else do that? Matt and MC were engrossed but TC suddenly became transfixed by a fly that buzzed in through the French doors and was circling the centre of the lounge.

As I say, it's not perfect (we're all so hot and tired) but it captures a snapshot of normal family life and that makes me happy. It's these type of photos that you don't often see. So turns out I've become rather happy with my back-up.

Happy 2nd Birthday Little Man

He's 2 today.

I can't believe it.

Doesn't seem right calling him Tiny Ched anymore. He's really growing into a proper little boy.

He loves cars, trucks, diggers, trains, helicopters and aeroplanes. He also has a fondness for One Direction!

He adores his Micro Scooter and has done for the past year. Everyone who sees him whizz past always comments on how he looks too little to be able to scoot so well.

I'm hoping he has the same passion for the first bike we've bought him for today.

His speech is coming on in leaps and bounds and despite being a strong-minded little boy he is the cutest, funniest and most loving little boy we could ask for.

Here's to the coming year. I just hope it goes slow as I don't want to give up my baby boy just yet.

Happy Birthday TC. Mummy and Daddy love you so so much xx

28th March 2012

28th March 2013

28th March 2014

Bogey-gate

I've never been known for my strong stomach.

In fact I always recall an incident whilst shopping with my mum and older sister years ago where a bird decided to empty its bowels from a great height into my sisters hair. My mum, armed with the kind of tissue that mums generally carry around with them (you know the ones they put up their sleeves and then pull out, spit on them and wipe your snotty face), proceeded to wipe the offending bird crap out of my sisters hair.

I gagged.

I mean I really gagged.

It was disgusting. My stomach was convulsing and it still traumatises me when I think of it all these years later. I don't ever remember feeling so repulsed.

Things have changed though.

I think once you have children you seem to obtain a stomach of sheer steel. No longer do I buckle at the sight, sound or smell of poop*. No more do I wretch when I see a big greeny hanging from a nose* Even upchuck doesn't faze me*

No, I am a changed woman.

I wish the same could be said for my daughter. Mini Cheddar appears to have developed my weak stomach and she will gag at pretty much anything. I tried to get her over this problem when Tiny Ched was about 8 months old. I asked her to wipe the smallest (I mean, it wasn't even the size of her fingernail!) bit of spit-up from his chin. She wretched like he'd just curled one out in her lap!

We haven't had an incident for a while so I didn't think anything of it when TC had a bogey hanging from his nose in the bath last night.

Not able to reach for a tissue easily, I wiped it with my hand to wash it away.

A simple enough action.

Every mum has done it.

MC didn't think it was simple though. She saw what I'd done and started gagging.

"Oh don't be so silly, it's just a bogey!", I said laughing.

I think the mere mention of the 'b-word' sent her over the edge!

Next thing I know I'm seeing her vomit her entire dinner up. She vommed everywhere. Yup, everywhere in the bath.

"MATT!" I screamed, hoping my husband could hear me from his office.

He came running upstairs and into the bathroom to see MC, now standing, still gagging and upchucking into the water whilst I'm trying to grab sponges and toys out of the vom and pull the plug.

Meanwhile, little TC who is only 17.5 months wondered what this strange part lumpy, part wispy stuff floating in the water was and decided it would make an interesting play toy.

MC saw him grab the vomit which only made her chunder more.

It was a scene worse than a disaster movie.

MC is scarred for life about bogeys and I'm left with a bath, toys and a baby covered in vomit.

The incident will be forever referred to as 'bogey-gate' in our house and will go in the book of legendary stories with the 'pootastrophe'.

Bleurghhhhhhh

* So long as it's from my own kids, obviously :)

A Darkened Room

I sit here in a darkened room.

My back against the cot, I sit here for what seems like an eternity. I don't feel the pain of the cot bars digging into my back though.

I just feel you.

I feel your warmth. I feel your heartbeat. I feel your body one with mine. Just like we used to be when you were inside me.

I sit here in a darkened room holding your tiny head in my hands. Not ever wanting to let you go.

I sit here after calming you down. Cold and teething are not your friend tonight. You love your sleep and it pains me to see you so upset.

It's not like you. You're usually so happy.

You've been so difficult today but I don't mind. I don't mind one bit. For when I feel my patience wearing thin I imagine what life would be like without you.

Without you. I shudder at the very thought.

I have lots to do tonight but it can wait. Me time seems so pointless.

You are me.

I just want to hold you close forever. And ever.

I want to sit in this darkened room as long as I can. I sit here and the tears start to fall. They start to fall because I know that outside of this room there are other mummies and daddies who sit in the dark.

They sit there for different reasons.

They sit there without their baby.

Their baby is gone.

That baby could be tiny. That baby could be fully grown and left home. No parent should have to bury their child - whatever age.

I'll sit in this darkened room for as long as I want. I'll sit and I'll think and I'll be thankful. Thankful that even though this evening has been hard...

...you are here with me.

#MeAndMine - A Family Portrait (August)

August has passed by in a blur. I really can't believe how quick the summer holidays have gone.

It's gone that fast that even though we've had so many opportunities on days out to capture a special family photograph, sadly we haven't.

Big mummy fail.

Anyway, I've been taking a bit of a blogging/Twitter/Facebook break lately and today I realised it was the end of the month and I didn't have a photograph for Me and Mine. I thought I may skip this month but that's just crazy. Why let a whole month pass without a family photo when it's something I could get easily if I wanted to? So, armed with my iPhone and its reverse camera I took the photo below at 5.30pm.

We are all absolutely knackered but it was the first and only photo I took and it sums up the day for us.

You see, today was a special day.

Matt and I took Mini Cheddar to the cinema for her first time, out to lunch afterwards and then treated her to some Lego Friends. Yes, the day was just under £100 but it was totally worth it. MC starts full-time school on Wednesday and I will miss her terribly. It was lovely to get out and spoil her on her own as we don't get to do that. In fact, although I've been out with MC and Matt has separately, we've never been out with her on our own together since before the end of last March when Tiny Ched was born.

It did feel so strange being without TC though and the day has left me feeling somewhat emotionally exhausted. I kept thinking of others who have lost their children and it filled me with even more sadness than it usually does. The thought of not having TC in our lives just doesn't bear thinking about and I began to miss him so much. Judging by how clingy he's being with me this evening, I think he missed me too.

So this evening is a mix of emotions for me but I think you can tell from this photo that MC has had the best day ever.

And that's what matters most.

#SilentSunday 100

#MessyPlay - Rice And Oats Edible Play

Time is something really lacking in my life at the moment. Hectic is an understatement.

I couldn't join in with Jennie's lovely linky last week as we just didn't have a moment to organise some messy play and it's really been getting to me. My first messy play involved Mini Cheddar whilst her baby brother slept. I really wanted to involve him this time and so today, while his big sister was out with my parents, I made sure I had a day just dedicated to spending quality time with my gorgeous little man. Something I haven't had chance to do that much of late.

We've been having a lovely day.

We spent the first part of the morning leisurely eating toast and playing, then we practised his standing and walking with the help of his micro scooter and then I decided to get the Tuff Spot out whilst he had a little nap so it was ready for him when he woke.

I wanted to do something fairly easy as his first experience so when he woke I got some flavoured porridge oats that I had in the cupboard and put some of them in the Tuff Spot.

He was a bit reluctant at first...

But then he dived in and there was no stopping him. He loved raking the rice and oats with his hands and feet, making patterns. He loved picking the oats up and letting it fall onto his legs - he also loved eating it! I then added some paella rice I had left over and added them to the oats.

I then slowly poured the rest of the rice into the Tuff Spot. TC loved watching the rice fall and also loved trying to catch it. He got the small cup bath toys that I had added to the play and tried to catch the rice and he also started talking and saying "Ta" to hand them to me to help him.

He then grabbed the bag of rice off me and proceeded to shake it about to get the rest of the rice out. The result was bits of paella rice flying EVERYWHERE and his laughing so much. He thought it was hilarious.

He was cleaned off with a dust down and a vest and nappy change (ready for a bath later tonight) and he even smelled of apples from the flavoured porridge oats! I scooped the rice and oats into an airtight container to use again for more messy play and then I got the vacuum cleaner out to sort the rest.

The result - one very happy baby.

This was only the second messy play we've done but it just shows how simple it can be to give your children great play activities. I'm excited for the summer and some outdoors messy play!

Now head over to Jennie's blog and check out some amazing ideas.

#SilentSunday 91

#MeAndMine - A Family Portrait (March)

I posted a family portrait on Instagram last night.

Nothing new there, I hear you say.

Those who follow me on IG know I love it so much. I spend more time there than any other social media I think. I love sharing captures of family life and getting insights into friends lives.

This photo was different though.

This photo was the first photo of us as a family of four.

Can you believe it?

It was taken on Good Friday (29th March) by my brother-in-law. The day after Tiny Ched's 1st Birthday. It took us a year and a day to get a photo of all of us. I feel so unhappy about this. My photos are usually of the kids and occasionally of me and the kids or Matt and the kids.

Never of all of us.

I said it was something I wanted to change. 

So the lovely Lucy saw my photo and words and asked me if I'd like to join in with the #MeAndMine challenge. Take a family portrait each month for the year so here I am. I think it will be a great way to make sure that I capture family photos that I can treasure. I wish I'd heard about the link-up sooner (my own fault for not being about much this year).

The month of March has been an up and down kind of month (much like the year so far) full of lots of illness, hospital visits and the kids celebrated their 4th and 1st birthdays. TC was actually ill the day this was taken and Matt and I were completely knackered and emotional but I still love it.

We are determined to have a happier month during April. The Florida holiday is fast approaching and we also have something else happening which could prove great for our family if it all comes together.

Here's to our next family portrait!

#SilentSunday 90

Tiny Ched 1 Today!

It's a happy day today.

Tiny Ched was born a year ago.

I can't believe my beautiful baby boy is 1.

I say it's a happy day but there's a bit of me that's sad. Those who know me or read my blog will know why, so I won't go into detail, but let's just say I have so much to be thankful for. Today, as well as enjoying TC's birthday, I am also thinking of others less fortunate.

TC is such a gorgeous little boy. He's happy, smiley, cuddley, inquisitive, charming and, most importantly, loves his sleep. He's given us so much joy and is loved by all - especially his big sister.

He's not really near to walking yet (a lot later than his sister who was walking by this age) but he can free-stand and cruises with ease. He's doing some lovely things - waving, clapping his hands and doing high fives etc. Watching him learn through play each day is incredible. He also does the cutest 'head tilt' you've ever seen. Unfortunately he's not too well at the moment but we are going to try and make the best of the day.

So Happy Birthday, Tiny Ched. We love you very much xx

28th March 2012

28th March 2013

#SilentSunday 87

Inspired by...

#SilentSunday 84

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2 Years Of Blogging TODAY!

I still can't believe that exactly 2 years ago today I wrote my very first crap blog post. Yes, it's my 2 year Blogoversary today.

2 years.

2 YEARS!

What a 2 years it's been.

I've laughed, I've loved, I've made friends, I've lost friends, I've jumped for joy, I've cried tears and in the middle of it all I gave birth to a gorgeous baby boy.

I can't believe another year of blogging has gone by. I've not blogged as much this year and I'll be the first to admit that my time and energy has gone into my family life more. I feel like I have the balance right now. I do sometimes wish I had more time to spend on Twitter and other blogs reading the amazing things that are out there but that will come in time as my baby boy grows. For now, I'm enjoying every minute with him, MC and Matt.

This time last year I reflected back on my first year of blogging so this year it's time to look back over 2012.

Before I start I want to say I'm dedicating this post to the beautiful and inspirational Kerry AKA Multiple Mummy. I've said before that she started blogging just after me and, along with a couple of other amazing women, she felt like my blogging sister. I had the pleasure of spending some time with her and she was even more lovely in real life than she was on her blog. Sadly, Kerry passed away just before Christmas. Her passing has left me so shocked and has made me realise that you really never know what is around the corner so you should seize every moment with both hands. I'm certainly more determined than ever not to stress the little stuff.

Kerry was only 30 and leaves behind a loving husband and 3 very young children. May 2013 be full of love, health, happiness and strength for them.

So, here's my blogging journey for 2012...


January
The year kicked off in amazing style. Matt, Mini Cheddar and I (complete with baby bump) jetted off for 3 whole, and totally amazing, weeks in Florida. It was to be a holiday we would never EVER forget and we can't wait to go back to Orlando.

February
Despite MC only having a dummy at night time we managed to successfully get her straight off the dummy when we returned from our holiday. 3 cheers for the dummy fairy! I also celebrated a year of volunteering for my local Save The Children shop. Matt flew off to America for a job interview when I was heavily pregnant and fighting a lot of bad feelings.

March
Matt didn't get the job in America...much to my relief. We celebrated MC's 3rd Birthday - I still can't believe what a beautiful and clever little girl Matt and I produced. I was brave enough to post a picture of me and my huge bump at almost 40 weeks pregnant.

April
I announced the birth of our beautiful baby boy, Tini Ched (TC), on the blog (born 28th March). He was, and still is, perfection. I wrote, in my opinion, one of my best ever blog posts which discusses caesarean section and the stigma attached to it. I was overwhelmed by the response it received from comments, tweets, DM's and e-mails. I also blogged TC's birth story. I raised some smiles with my 'You Know You've Just Had A Baby' post.

May
Matt landed a shiny new job! I was nominated for not one but two MAD Blog Awards for Best Pregnancy and Best Baby Blog. Thank you once again for all those who voted for me. Another post which I'm a little bit proud of followed - this time about the benefits to us of co-sleeping. Something else which has a bit of a stigma attached to it.

June
I started to think about 'coming out' and admitting to all friends and family that I wrote a blog. Bank Holiday Bedlam took place which involved a lot of vomiting and crying. It was a day I'll never forget! Tiny Ched was 12 weeks old already!

July
I decided I am going to keep quiet in future and not blog about things smugly for fear of them going wrong! I blogged about thoughts and feeling I'd been having since having children and it stuck a chord with a lot of you. MC had the MOTHER of all tantrums.

August
Despite her outburst the previous month, I was reminded just what a hilarious and brilliant daughter MC is. My house was invaded by a slimy little f**ker!

September
I, thanks to you guys, was awarded the Best Baby Blog at The MAD Blog Awards. I couldn't make the ceremony and found out via Twitter. To say I was totally gobsmacked was a complete understatement.

October
Matt resigned from his new job without a job to go to. It was a crazy few weeks but one we got through and it turned out to be the best decision he made. I was chosen to be a Cosatto Brand Buddy which was amazing. I developed mastitis which was a bitch!

November
I remembered Betty Dogface one year on. I took the decision to give up breastfeeding TC at 7 months following mastitis. I was gutted. I went back to my volunteer job at Save The Children after being off on maternity. Once again I felt the incredible power of the blogging community as we joined together to heal Kerry. Sadly, it wasn't meant to be.

December
This was a month that saw me mainly survive blogging via Silent Sunday posts due to battling a run of bad health and just being VERY busy with everything. I did manage to find time to question where my tits had disappeared to though!


So here's to 2013.

Thank you to you, my lovely blog readers. Thank you for sticking with me through the good and the bad and, once again, thank you for all your support. Happy New Year to each and every one of you. May your 2013 be full of the love, health and happiness you all deserve.

*raises a glass of wine / vodka / beer / sherry / gin / champers*
(delete as applicable)

CHEERS!

R.I.P. Kerry
xxx 

#SilentSunday 80

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