Never Forgetting Matilda Mae

I can't believe 2 years have passed.

2 whole years.

A long time but yet no time at all.

I cannot and will not ignore this date. 

Just like I will not ignore the 7th March or the 2nd May - they are dates etched on my heart by a baby I never got to meet.

I don't need to say a lot. I just need to say...

Rest in Peace Baby Tilda

You will never be forgotten

xx

Matilda Mae Henley

2nd May 2012 - 2nd February 2013

Time

Time seems to be flying by at the moment.

Time is something I seem to have very little of.

I find myself wishing for more time.

But time is something that my friend Jennie wishes she had more of with good reason. She wishes she had more time with her beautiful daughter Matilda Mae.

It breaks my heart to think of Baby Tilda but I do.

Every single day.

Even on days when I'm busy there will be at least once that I think of her. And I think of Jennie. I think of how little time they had together.

A mere 9 months.

No time at all.

Today would have been Tilda's 2nd birthday.

Today SHOULD have been Tilda's 2nd birthday.

But it wasn't meant to be.

There is absolutely nothing that anyone can do to bring Matilda back to Jennie's loving arms but there are little differences we can make. We can be there to support Jennie in person or online when she needs us. We can be sympathetic to how us moaning about how bad our days are would upset Jennie.

We can also continue to raise lots of money.

In the 15 months since Matilda Mae passed away and well over £30,000 has been raised for The Lullaby Trust.

How incredible is that?

The Lullaby Trust are a small charity but their work is invaluable is helping support bereaved families and helping to promote safer sleep for babies.

This month there are two events that you can get involved in. I've already posted about the 'Mile In Memory of Matilda Mae' (Sat 17th May) and the 'Baby Tilda Barn Dance' (Sat 31st May) with details of how you can help. Even if you can't attend the events in Warrington, Cheshire and Egerton, Kent then you can still make a donation to The Lullaby Trust in memory of Matilda Mae.

Those of you who are coming along to the events, I look forward to seeing you.

And remember...

Hug your little ones tight tonight.

And always.

Time goes too fast.

Time can be cut short.

Time is something Matilda did not have enough of.

Happy Birthday baby girl.

Photo credit: Jennie @ Edspire

When A Friend Loses A Baby #MMRemembers

Almost a year ago today Susanne and I were relative strangers, having met once at an event. Almost a year ago today we travelled together to Kent to the funeral of another relative stranger, Jennie, who'd lost her baby girl to SIDS.

A year.

A whole year.

It only seems like yesterday now.

7th March 2013.

We stood together in that church shaking, crying and holding hands and we spoke. Spoke about Matilda's legacy and the blogging community.

A lot has happened in that year.

Sadness. So much sadness.

But one thing I am so glad of. One thing I'll always be glad of.

We have all become good friends.

Today, as this post goes live, Susanne and I will be back at that little church in Kent to speak together again at Matilda Mae Remembers - a service to remember all the babies in the sky.

I wanted to share our words with you today…

One year ago we stood here in tears

as we tried so hard to explain

how Matilda had touched so many lives

how many were feeling the pain.

We're not sure we realised how hard it would be

to see a friend suffer like that

to see a friend say goodbye -

nothing can prepare you for that.

But we know that this is not our grief

we do not have the right

to cry and to feel sad and wish so hard

that things were different that night.

All we can tell you is all that we know

that seeing a friend suffer is hard.

Watching her move through the days as she does

with achingly empty arms.

***

When a friend loses a baby your world starts to rock - 

It's all so surreal and you're left feeling shocked.

You read the words over and it doesn't sink in,

You know not what to do, nor where to begin.

When a friend loses a baby you weep for her loss,

You mourn, you feel low, but you also get cross.

How could this baby be taken away?

On what was to us just a normal day?

When a friend loses a baby you know not what to say,

It's at time like this that you wish you could pray.

But you know that nothing will bring the comfort she needs,

You sit and watch as her broken heart bleeds.

When a friend loses a baby you stumble and fall,

You cuddle your little ones tight in a ball.

Sleep doesn't come easy; you are always aware,

Checking on breathing and stroking their hair.

When a friend loses a baby you feel helpless and scared,

Her baby's been taken and yours was spared.

And then the guilt hits - you know what you've got,

You have your baby and your friend does not.

When a friend loses a baby you know that she hides,

The things she is feeling deep down inside.

Her smile is a mask since that night with the cot,

People tell her she's strong, but really she's not.

When a friend loses a baby there is not much to do,

Except to hope it's enough to be you.

When a friend loses a baby I guess she just needs,

Some time and some space to just simply grieve.

Letters For #MatildaMae - Dear Baby Tilda

Dear Baby Tilda,

It seems strange that I'm writing this letter to you.

To 'Baby' Tilda.

You're only a month younger than TC. But he's not a baby anymore. How can this be? It makes me so sad and angry at the world. Life is so unfair sometimes.

I still struggle to believe you're gone.

I never met you, I dearly wish I had. I wish that with all my heart. I did meet your mummy briefly when you were just a tiny little secret growing inside her. She was quiet that night...wrapped in an excited and anxious bubble of early pregnancy. I wish now that I had gotten her to talk more that evening.

I'll never forget reading those words your mummy posted the day after you left the world. My heart flew up into my mouth. I couldn't believe it. Didn't want to believe it.

I felt sick.

My world stopped.

And then I sobbed.

Sobbed for a beautiful baby I'd never met.

Sobbed for a beautiful lady destroyed.

Sobbed for a beautiful family torn apart.

I have thought about you and your mummy every single day for the past year. Even on my happiest of days there is still something that pulls my mind back to you. I see you everywhere. In every star, every rain drop, every rainbow and more.

Sometimes I catch TC doing something for the first time and my heart aches all over again. Aches for the empty arms of your mummy. She is an amazing lady. I know you know that. I just wish she believed it.

I still can't believe that exactly 12 months have passed. A whole year since you were snatched from your loving parents by something so devastatingly cruel. No-one knows the real extent of what they face each day without you. I can't begin to imagine the gut-wernching pain they feel without you in their lives.

But you are everywhere, Tilda.

I really believe that.

Not just in the stars, rain drops and rainbows.

Your little life has had such a huge impact on so many people. Your legacy is something truly amazing. It really is quite wonderful.

Personally, I've been on a journey these last 12 months.

When something awful happens in the world, we stop for a moment. We think about how awful it is. We think about how thankful we are, how we aren't going to take things for granted and then we move on, eventually forgetting and slipping back into bad habits.

This time it's different.

You've had such an impact on myself and so many people, Tilda. Your little life has made some big changes to lots of lives.

Mine for one…

• I am more tolerant of my children's behaviour. If one of them won't go to sleep at the time, I don't stress. I relish the extra cuddles.

• If one of them is ill I stop what I'm doing completely. Even when I'm busy and they don't really need me, I just sit and spend quiet time with them. Again, I relish the cuddles.

• I always checked on my children before I went to bed but now I spend a few moments sat on the bed or sat by the cot. I stroke hair. I wish cheeks. I feel love.

• I don't stress about the small stuff. I'm more relaxed than I ever used to be. 

• I've given up my freelance work so I can spend more time with my children. It's where I want to be. They are growing up so fast and I want to be a part of that.

• I've found out about The Lullaby Trust and the amazing work they do. I cut back on cards and gifts this Christmas and donated money instead. Having met Francine recently, it feels great to support such a wonderful charity to help families like yours.

• I am learning to also look after myself too. A happy mummy makes for happy children and that's what's important

There are a couple of other things that have happened. 

I've made two very beautiful and dearly loved friends because of you. 

Your mummy and Susanne. 

They mean so much to me. Susanne and I travelled to your funeral together and we read aloud. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but I did it for you and for your mummy. 

I've told your mummy that I will always be here for her and I promise you that, Tilda. I'll always be here for Susanne too - you know how much she's helped your Mummy. She's helped me too.

As much as I love them, I would give up their friendship in a heartbeat to have you back where you belong. In your mummy's arms.

Life is so cruel but something special has happened. It's all because of you and your wonderful mummy.

Baby died,

People cried.

Candles lighted, 

Friends united. 

Money made,

Awareness raised. 

Legacy grew,

Look what love can do.

Rest in peace baby girl.

Love Heather xx

A Day Of Love - The Matilda Mae Welly Walk #MMWellyWalk

Just over 9 months ago a community was rocked.

Family and friends were heartbroken.

And a family was torn apart.

I still struggle to believe what happened to Matilda Mae. I always knew life could be so painfully cruel but I never realised just how much until I heard the news that lunchtime 3rd February.

Baby Tilda's death has had such an impact on so many people. Not just family and friends of Jennie but strangers who heard about what's happened.

I've mentioned briefly before just how much of an impact it had, and continues to have, on me. TC is just a month older than Tilda. Whenever he does something new I feel happy but a part of my heart aches a little...I struggle with my emotions knowing that a friend is missing her baby girl with every part of her body and soul. Each and every milestone lost. Never to be.

I'm going to openly admit now that I've been struggling lately. You will notice that I have been absent from my blog. Even though I often find blogging therapeutic I haven't wanted to blog a 'woe is me' post. Why should I be so sad? I still have my baby boy. My life is good. I should be happy, right?

But like many people far and wide I can't help it.

I've known the Welly Walk was coming. I knew that the date was such an emotional milestone for Jennie. The day her baby girl has been gone for longer than she was alive.

It's been pulling at my heart.

We put our names down to go to The Welly Walk pretty much from the start. I knew we couldn't miss it, despite the distance from home. I wanted to be there. To see Jennie again, to show our support, to honour baby Tilda and raise more money for The Lullaby Trust.

It was an incredible day.

It was a sea of pink and purple. Stars and hearts were everywhere. Family and friends pulled together to help Jennie create something truly amazing.

Something beautiful.

Just like Matilda Mae.

I spoke at the end of the day about how Tilda had witnessed love in abundance in her short life.

That love was evident everywhere on Saturday.

It completely filled Beale Park.

You could see it in every look. Every smile. Every tear.

I don't need to go into detail about the day. I think the few photos I'll share speak for themselves.

Family, friends and strangers created something very special on Saturday. Every person there, every brand and everyone who couldn't attend but showed support through donations, tweets and messages should be very proud.

Very proud indeed.

Matilda's legacy lives on and this is just the beginning!

So many families. So many friendships. So many memories. 

So much love.

All because of one special little girl.

Matilda Mae

2nd May 2012 - 2nd February 2013

9 months here. 9 months gone. But never forgotten.

The Matilda Mae Welly Walk - Sat 2nd November 2013

What are you doing Saturday 2nd November?

I know what we will be doing.

My little family and I will be at the Matilda Mae Welly Walk at Beale Park, Reading.

And we cannot wait!

The day has been planned by Jennie (Edspire) beautifully. She's had so much support and it's so amazing seeing it all coming together.

The day sounds perfect.

Please visit Jennie's blog for the full run-down of what to expect at the Welly Walk. Please also make sure you share this with friends, family, work colleagues, neighbours, strangers...anyone.

But how can you not want to be part of this?
(Please see Jennie's blog for all the details of the sponsors and more!)

• Car seat safety checks and buggy MOT's 
• A Men's, Women's and Pre-School Welly Wanging Competitions
• A special pink and purple Matilda Mae entrance
• A musical warm-up before the walk
• A quiz along the walk route 
• Bubbles to blow and giant bubbles
• Entertainment and live music throughout the day 
• A Music With Mummy Workshop
• CPR demonstration and first aid questions answered 
• Lots of fun and so many amazing prizes to be won
• Play with lots of toys, try out some animation or explore online tools
• Play dress-up and have your photo taken in a photo booth
• Eat crepes and enjoy refreshments throughout the day
• Craft activities and face painting
• A special storytelling tent
• A special sparkler farewell

Tickets are selling out fast and can be purchased from Beebies Baby Store NOW!

Please help spread the word so we can raise as much money as possible for The Lullaby Trust.

If you can't make the walk, please consider a donation to the Matilda Mae Starlight Fund.

This event is taking place in memory of Matilda Mae who was given her angel wings at the age of just 9 months to the day. 

2nd November marks the day she would have been 18 months old. 

9 months alive. 

9 months gone.

This week marks Baby Loss Awareness Week.

Baby Loss.

Two words no-one wants to hear but people need to talk more. Together we need to raise awareness. Break the silence. So many families lives are destroyed each year.

Please help the love and support live on.

A Darkened Room

I sit here in a darkened room.

My back against the cot, I sit here for what seems like an eternity. I don't feel the pain of the cot bars digging into my back though.

I just feel you.

I feel your warmth. I feel your heartbeat. I feel your body one with mine. Just like we used to be when you were inside me.

I sit here in a darkened room holding your tiny head in my hands. Not ever wanting to let you go.

I sit here after calming you down. Cold and teething are not your friend tonight. You love your sleep and it pains me to see you so upset.

It's not like you. You're usually so happy.

You've been so difficult today but I don't mind. I don't mind one bit. For when I feel my patience wearing thin I imagine what life would be like without you.

Without you. I shudder at the very thought.

I have lots to do tonight but it can wait. Me time seems so pointless.

You are me.

I just want to hold you close forever. And ever.

I want to sit in this darkened room as long as I can. I sit here and the tears start to fall. They start to fall because I know that outside of this room there are other mummies and daddies who sit in the dark.

They sit there for different reasons.

They sit there without their baby.

Their baby is gone.

That baby could be tiny. That baby could be fully grown and left home. No parent should have to bury their child - whatever age.

I'll sit in this darkened room for as long as I want. I'll sit and I'll think and I'll be thankful. Thankful that even though this evening has been hard...

...you are here with me.

Saturday Is Matilda Mae SkyDive Day #MMSkyDive

This coming Saturday is a very special day.

It's also a very scary day for 9 amazing women.

They are jumping out of a plane to raise money for The Lullaby Trust in memory of beautiful Matilda Mae.

However, it's nowhere near as scary as every Saturday that Jennie faces.

If you follow my blog or are part of the blogging community you will know the story of my friend, and fellow blogger, Jennie. We shared our pregnancy journeys together - me with Tiny Ched and Jennie with her miracle daughter, Matilda Mae, who was born just a month after TC.

Sadly, Matilda was taken away from Jennie, at just 9 months old, on Saturday 2nd February by Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS)... more commonly known as cot death.

A cot.

Somewhere you expect your baby to be safe.

But for many parents it isn't.

Each year, in the U.K., over 600 families are torn apart because of the devastating loss of a precious child to SIDS.

Each year these families go through the unimaginable pain that no parent should have to go through.

The Lullaby Trust work tirelessly to help support these families on this terrible journey. Their work is vital to not only offer this support but also to raise awareness of SIDS and do all they can to help prevent it.

Anyone who's followed Jennie's personal story will never forget Matilda Mae. I think of her every day and I never had the pleasure of meeting her - I'd only met Jennie before when we were both pregnant. I've spoken publicly about Tilda twice now on behalf of the blogging community and all the beautiful photos Jennie took in her 9 short months are etched in my memory.

Beautiful Matilda Mae and Jennie

A little girl with such a short life but a little girl who has left a lasting impression.

A legacy to be proud of.

A legacy to shout about.

A legacy to raise thousands of pounds for The Lullaby Trust.

A legacy to jump out of a plane for.

How amazing!

Yes, Saturday is a very special day.

The Matilda Mae Sky Dive will be incredible. These women, a few I've never met and a few I have a couple of times (and now are lucky enough to call friends) are doing something so amazing, something so brave, something that deserves to be shouted about.

Something that deserves to be sponsored.

Also, one of these ladies has a very special place in my heart.

Suzanne.

We both attended Matilda's funeral back in March. Although we had met previously, it was only once when we were both pregnant. We then spent the best part of 2 days together, sharing tears and support (and an amazing roast dinner made by her lovely mum) and becoming friends. Suzanne's blog post really sums it all up. We held each other up when we stood up and spoke about Tilda's legacy. Then we did it all again last month at BritMums Live. Suzanne and I always shed a tear whenever we meet up now, as we remember, but we also share smiles and laughter. And hugs. Lots of hugs. I've made a friend for life.

She is an amazing lady, and I know the other 8 (also amazing) ladies jumping with her will look after her for me as I can't be there this weekend.

These 9 ladies are going to jump into the sky.

The sky is somewhere I look when I think of Baby Tilda and on Saturday my eyes will be up in the air most of the day...remembering Tilda and thinking about what these incredible women are doing to raise money.

Please can I ask that if you haven't already sponsored them, can you? Even the smallest amount will go a long way to raise money for The Lullaby Trust. Can I also ask that you spread the word by mouth, by social media, by email...hell, even pick up the phone...call, text...do whatever you can to get people to raise money.

The link for Team Matilda Mae Sky Dive is here. Please sponsor and pass it on.

If you're using social media, please use the hashtag #MMSkyDive. Please let's make this hashtag trend on Saturday. Also add in @LullabyTrust to Twitter to raise awareness of the charity. Shout about the sponsorship, let's make as much noise as we can!

Let's help raise as much money as we possibly can for The Lullaby Trust and their incredible work. Let's support these 9 amazing women as they take to the sky on Saturday. Let's continue the legacy of a beautiful little girl lost.

Lost but never EVER forgotten.

2nd May - Tilda's Day

It's just a date, right?

Well, yes it is, of course.

But this is a date that will be in many people's hearts and minds for the rest of their lives.

A date when an amazing mother and father should have been celebrating the 1st birthday of their beautiful baby girl, Matilda Mae.

It's not right.

It's not fair.

I've been struggling all week. Not knowing what to write. My heart is heavy and my mind can't concentrate.

I have a book that I write in each day that my best friend bought me. It's a five year book that asks a question each day, so you can compare your answers over 5 years. A couple of weeks back the words read something like "I wish I could stop ____________ from happening".

I wrote 'cot death'.

I don't think my answer will change, even by 2018.

As I look at Tiny Ched, I think of Tilda and everything she should be. Everything that Jennie and David have lost.

2nd May will be a date, just like 2nd February and 7th March that will live with me forever.

Pink angel slices for a sweet angel

I've made plans for today. Plans to celebrate Matilda's short life and honour her birthday in some small way. I'm meeting Susanne and Lisa with our children for a picnic in the park. We are meeting where we will be walking a mile in memory of Matilda in less than two weeks.

We are going to blow bubbles and enjoy pink treats. I'm also dressing myself and the kids in pink and purple.

There will be lots of tears (I have invested in a multipack of tissues) but there will be happiness too. Susanne and I have a unique bond from our journey to Tilda's funeral and back and I know, when I see her tomorrow, all those memories will come flooding back.

We will, as we have done everyday, think of David, Jennie and Matilda Mae.

Then tonight, as the sun sets on 2nd May, I will be lighting a candle for Matilda as her parents say goodbye to their precious little girl in a way that Jennie describes so beautifully.

It's something no parent should have to do and I hope they somehow find the strength to get through it.

It's not just a date. It's a remembrance and a celebration.

Of a short life.

Of a life of love and beauty.

It's also a time to reflect.

Of what could have been.

Of what should have been.

2nd May.

A date that will never be forgotten.

Tilda's day.

Happy 1st Birthday in the sky sweet angel xx

I've blogged before about an auction taking place in memory of Matilda Mae. This auction will be running from 11th May - 20th May 2013 with all proceeds going to The Lullaby Trust (formerly FSID).  They help support families, like Jennie's, who have experienced the loss of a baby from sudden infant death syndrome. 

There is an ever growing list of generous people and companies who have donated to the auction and full details of everything available will be online soon. Please help support the auction in any way you can by bidding, tweeting, posting on Facebook, emailing etc. Get the word out there!

If you require any further information, you can contact Jennie or Susanne.

This post was written as part of a blog hop for Matilda's 1st Birthday. You can view the other entries here:

The Lullaby Trust - A Beautiful New Name

Today marks a historic occasion.

The Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths (FSID) is changing it's name. The charity was founded well over 40 years ago, in 1971, so this is a big deal.

From today the charity will be known as The Lullaby Trust.

Beautiful name isn't it?

So very fitting.

A kiss goodnight for Tiny Ched

You hear the word 'lullaby' and already you feel an overwhelming sense of calm. Lullabies have been used to soothe babies to sleep throughout history and some of the ones we still sing now are hundreds of years old.

I have to say that Twinkle Twinkle Little Star has always been a favourite in this house. I still sing it to Mini Cheddar, if she's poorly or just wants comforting, even though she's 4 now. She will also sing it to her baby brother, Tiny Ched. Whenever I am comforting TC it's always the lullaby I choose.

The lullaby has more significance with me now though. I can't sing it without thinking about Matilda Mae, beautiful daughter of Jennie, who was taken away at the age of 9 months to cot death or sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS).

Cot death.

Two words that strike fear into any parent, especially those with young babies.

It's something that has always been in my mind during the early months of both children. Something that will now stay with me forever having a friend who's experienced the pure devastation of losing a baby.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Jennie and her family. I know that I'll never listen or sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in quite the same way.

The work of The Lullaby Trust is so important. No parent should have to say goodbye to a child, especially not a happy and healthy baby taken without warning. The Lullaby Trust is there to offer families, like Jennie's, the support and guidance they need to deal with the loss of a baby to cot death.

It is hoped that the new name will be a gentler approach to help more families access support and information. Apparently more than 600 healthy babies in the U.K. die without warning every year. Shocking statistics. That's 600 devastated families. The Lullaby Trust are striving to reduce that number to under 200 by 2015 then further again.

Please take a moment to help spread the word about the name change for The Lullaby Trust and the amazing work they do. Blog it. Tweet it. Facebook it. Talk about it. Help raise awareness now.

I, for one, think the name change is beautiful...just like Matilda Mae.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Tilda Star xx


This is MC's favourite version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star - she loves to watch the owl and the star dancing together.