Today My Kids Broke Me

I know friends are going through heartbreaking or tough times and I hate myself for moaning but today my kids broke me.

Those of you who read my blog a couple of weeks ago will know we have been struggling with MC not wanting to go to school.

Well, despite her being ill all over the half-term she went back to school fine on Monday. I was expecting tears but none came as she happily kissed me goodbye at the gate. I was worried about Tuesday as I had to take TC on the school run with us but again she surprised me by happily skipping into school (encouraged by the fact she knew she was 'Helpwr Heddiw' - that means she was going to be the 'Helper Today' for those don't speak Welsh).

She was leading me into a false sense of security.

Today she had her biggest 'I don't want to go to school' meltdown so far. Even bigger than the last time.

It wasn't helped by the fact I'm not feeling well at the moment.

But what makes it worse is that it was in public.

Outside the school in fact.

We were already late. It didn't help.

We had to park far away from the school. I could've just pulled it up on the pavement or at a junction near the school like a lot of the inconsiderate people who are too lazy/busy to walk a bit other parents but I didn't.

TC wasn't for walking fast. I was constantly asking him to hurry up and stop staring longingly at trucks and buses as they passed. I felt like a horrible mother.

We crossed over the road to the school and that's when it all started.

"I don't want to go to school, Mummy!" my daughter cried.

"You have to, sweetheart".

"But I don't want to! I want to stay home with you and my brother!".

That's when the tears started.

"We are going to be late and you'll go into the late book" I said. It was probably the wrong thing to say but I was conscious it was 8.37am. Exactly 3 more minutes and the doors to her class would shut and we'd have to make the walk of shame to reception to sign in late.

That's when the screaming started.

"DON'T MAKE ME GO TO SCHOOL!"

Wave after wave of sobbing followed by various other remarks about her lack of love for school.

All whilst trying to fight my way through the vast tide of parents walking towards us after already dropping their little darlings off.

By this time I was practically dragging both children towards the gate.

I really felt like the worst mother ever.

Other parents wondering what on earth was wrong with my child that she hated school so much she was sobbing uncontrollably.

TC had decided he wanted to chase a truck he'd seen, I had to drag him through the school gate and eventually he opted for a sit down crying protest in the school playground.

I tried to walk MC towards the door of school.

She was still sobbing.

One of the teachers saw me struggling and came out and helped.

Some gentle persuasion and distraction and MC was quickly taken inside without a kiss or hug from me. I was left standing alone in the playground staring at TC who was still sitting crying.

I scooped him up and slowly made my way back to the car (after a quick diversion to go and look at a digger across the road).

Then I cried.

I pulled myself together eventually and rang my Sister and then rang Matt. Matt went away on Monday and won't be back until tomorrow night. I hate him being away so much.

Part of me wanted to go home and open a bottle of wine have a cup of tea but I drove over to Ikea in Warrington. TC and I ate a late breakfast and then I had some stuff to collect.

It was all going well and I was starting to feel better when some bright spark at Ikea thought it was a good idea to display a train track on a play table.

Could I get TC away from it?

I don't think I need to answer that.

The boy is obsessed with trains, cars, buses, helicopters - any transport in fact - and there was no moving him. I left him to play for a while until I decided it was time to go.

He wouldn't budge.

I tried reasoning with him (not easy with a 23 month old).

I even tried distracting him with a football (his other love).

Nothing was working.

There was nothing left to do but go get him.

That was when the whole of Ikea heard him!

The meltdown was epic.

It wasn't just an average tantrum though. He swiped my face. He grabbed my hair and wouldn't let go. A guy from the warehouse came to my aid as I was wrestling him and trying to retain some dignity (not an easy task). The guy tried to distract him but to no avail. Eventually the two of us got TC in the trolley and I thanked him and quickly moved away from the hoards of people I thought must be judging me.

A middle-aged woman touched my arm and smiled at me "We've all been there dear" she said.

That's when I felt myself going.

I smiled back, mumbled something nice to her and I went into a corner behind some boxes.

Then I cried.

Again.

I pulled myself together (again) and continued my shopping hell experience through Ikea, heart pounding.

At the checkouts a few people where staring at me. I thought they must have seen me and the 'toddler battle' earlier.

Once I'd bent TC into the car seat - when I say 'bent' I mean got him to bend as he likes to scream and turn himself into a plank as he hates getting in the car - he went straight to sleep before I'd even started the car.

I glanced at myself in the mirror.

TC had drawn blood where he'd swiped me and I had walked around Ikea with a huge blob of dried blood on my face.

So THAT'S what the people at the checkout were looking at me for.

I drove home in a daze. Feeling like the worst mum ever (again).

Thoughts of MC and her school protest weighing heavily on my mind.

At 3.10pm I picked her up. TC had wanted to take his Micro Scooter and so I took MC's too. After school we went to the park. We went on the swings and we also ran around pretending to be monsters. Happy times.

It was lovely to just have simple fun with them both.

I started to feel the badness of the day dispel a little.

Because TC had an early sleep today he was really tired this evening. Getting him ready for bed was an awful battle. He didn't want me to change his nappy and started kicking me wildly.

I tried to distract him with toys in his room but he wouldn't have any of it.

He started kicking harder.

"Stop kicking Mummy" I said calmly over and over again.

I was close to tears through sheer exhaustion when MC came into the room with a small bell she had found.

"Look TC! Look at this! You can have it and jangle it" she said passing it to him.

He took it happily and the kicking stopped.

Then she turned to me and said "I didn't want TC to upset you Mummy so thought I'd come and save you".

After I'd changed TC he stood up and kissed me.

Yes my kids broke me today.

But they also fixed me too.

Butter wouldn't melt

A Darkened Room

I sit here in a darkened room.

My back against the cot, I sit here for what seems like an eternity. I don't feel the pain of the cot bars digging into my back though.

I just feel you.

I feel your warmth. I feel your heartbeat. I feel your body one with mine. Just like we used to be when you were inside me.

I sit here in a darkened room holding your tiny head in my hands. Not ever wanting to let you go.

I sit here after calming you down. Cold and teething are not your friend tonight. You love your sleep and it pains me to see you so upset.

It's not like you. You're usually so happy.

You've been so difficult today but I don't mind. I don't mind one bit. For when I feel my patience wearing thin I imagine what life would be like without you.

Without you. I shudder at the very thought.

I have lots to do tonight but it can wait. Me time seems so pointless.

You are me.

I just want to hold you close forever. And ever.

I want to sit in this darkened room as long as I can. I sit here and the tears start to fall. They start to fall because I know that outside of this room there are other mummies and daddies who sit in the dark.

They sit there for different reasons.

They sit there without their baby.

Their baby is gone.

That baby could be tiny. That baby could be fully grown and left home. No parent should have to bury their child - whatever age.

I'll sit in this darkened room for as long as I want. I'll sit and I'll think and I'll be thankful. Thankful that even though this evening has been hard...

...you are here with me.

Guest Post...Looking For Blue Sky - Further Confessions Of A Coffee Junkie

I think I've been following C's blog 'Looking For Blue Sky' since I began blogging myself. She's such a great writer and inspiration and someone who I, despite having never met (I'm longing to), would class as a friend.


Being a single Mum to 3 fabulous children who have such differing needs isn't easy sometimes...a teenager, a smiley girl with cerebral palsy and a boy with Aspergers.  Her love and determination for her family and her beliefs shine through in every post and I love her for it.


Here she shares something a little different, I give you her Guest Post - Further Confessions Of A Coffee Junkie...

All those New Year's Resolutions so quickly discarded.  Plans for healthy living and healthy diets give way to the comfort of coffee and cakes.  Because, let's face it, most of us find that we cannot stick to resolutions that seem to involve giving up everything that we like. But I did successfully give up smoking in 2004 after waking up one morning with a horrible cough and sometimes I wonder about what else  I could give up and what I absolutely couldn't.  And the answer is always the same:  I could give up anything before I give up coffee.

My love affair with the little brown bean began when I was a child.  I can remember looking longingly at the percolator bubbling away in the quiet room where we all ate breakfast - and read at the same time.  Finally,  one day when I was 11 or 12, a cup of milky coffee was passed down to my end of the table.

It was love at first sip.

When I was young I drank coffee with sugar, but I was able to give that up in my mid teens.  Once I hit the exam years, it was coffee that got me through.  And my four mugs of coffee a day still mark the hours as they pass by.  I'm not that fussy either: almost any coffee is better than no coffee.  Well apart from Camp Coffee, but perhaps I'm the only person who remembers that.

So why can't I give it up?

Well coffee...

...wakes me in the morning

...warms me when I'm cold

...breaks up the day

...gets rid of stress headaches

...calms me down

...helps me prepare the dinner

...is shared with friends

...is an excuse to meet up and eat cake

...helps me to concentrate

...is a reward for doing something unpleasant

...helps me to cope with difficult phone calls

And another 100 things too.  What on earth would I do without it?

So is it just me? Is coffee important to you? Or is it tea? 

Education And Estrogen

I know...usually us Brits call it 'Oestrogen' but cut me some slack...it didn't quite fit right in my blog post title so I'm adopting the other way of spelling it.  Besides, one of my blogging besties Lady Estrogen wouldn't be happy now would she?

Mini Cheddar is already signed up to start Play School this September but I hadn't got her signed up for 'proper' school.  I've had the form for a while but it wasn't until my friend said I'd better get it in last week that I sprung into action. I know, bad mummy! We are quite lucky in that there are 2 great schools within walking distance from our house but there is one that I would prefer her to attend.

So, I filled the form in and rather than post it I decided to drop the form in to the school on my way back home from shopping last week.

Big mistake.

See, the thing is I was quite emotional as it was 'that' time of the month.  You know... the time when any usually serene and angelic woman turns into a mega-bitch from hell?  The time of the month when you could quite easily feel like stabbing someone if they look at you the wrong way one minute or burst into tears watching a dumb TV commercial the next? Yup, if you're a woman, you'll know exactly what I mean.

So, I walked into the school with Mini Cheddar and it was fabulous, very organised but very friendly.  All the staff greeted me warmly and I was taken inside for more of a look around.  They interacted with Mini Cheddar and got her talking (she can be a little shy with strangers) whilst I sorted out where the form was to go.  Next thing I know Mini Cheddar was wanting to leave me to join in with all the school children and even indicated that she wanted to wear the uniform.

All of a sudden, I became aware of overwhelming emotions building up inside of me and I was struggling to hold back tears.  I can't quite describe what I was feeling. A sense of my baby girl growing up, her spreading her wings, the thought of her embarking on an education journey that I wouldn't be able to hold her hand through properly.  I don't know what exactly it was.  I was going to put it entirely down to my crazy hormones but even as I'm sat here typing this post I still feel the same.

I carried Mini Cheddar out of the school, got in the car and then the floodgates opened.

I couldn't stop crying.

If this is what I'm like now, I really need to buy some shares in Kleenex or something before she does start school.