Letters For #MatildaMae - Dear Baby Tilda

Dear Baby Tilda,

It seems strange that I'm writing this letter to you.

To 'Baby' Tilda.

You're only a month younger than TC. But he's not a baby anymore. How can this be? It makes me so sad and angry at the world. Life is so unfair sometimes.

I still struggle to believe you're gone.

I never met you, I dearly wish I had. I wish that with all my heart. I did meet your mummy briefly when you were just a tiny little secret growing inside her. She was quiet that night...wrapped in an excited and anxious bubble of early pregnancy. I wish now that I had gotten her to talk more that evening.

I'll never forget reading those words your mummy posted the day after you left the world. My heart flew up into my mouth. I couldn't believe it. Didn't want to believe it.

I felt sick.

My world stopped.

And then I sobbed.

Sobbed for a beautiful baby I'd never met.

Sobbed for a beautiful lady destroyed.

Sobbed for a beautiful family torn apart.

I have thought about you and your mummy every single day for the past year. Even on my happiest of days there is still something that pulls my mind back to you. I see you everywhere. In every star, every rain drop, every rainbow and more.

Sometimes I catch TC doing something for the first time and my heart aches all over again. Aches for the empty arms of your mummy. She is an amazing lady. I know you know that. I just wish she believed it.

I still can't believe that exactly 12 months have passed. A whole year since you were snatched from your loving parents by something so devastatingly cruel. No-one knows the real extent of what they face each day without you. I can't begin to imagine the gut-wernching pain they feel without you in their lives.

But you are everywhere, Tilda.

I really believe that.

Not just in the stars, rain drops and rainbows.

Your little life has had such a huge impact on so many people. Your legacy is something truly amazing. It really is quite wonderful.

Personally, I've been on a journey these last 12 months.

When something awful happens in the world, we stop for a moment. We think about how awful it is. We think about how thankful we are, how we aren't going to take things for granted and then we move on, eventually forgetting and slipping back into bad habits.

This time it's different.

You've had such an impact on myself and so many people, Tilda. Your little life has made some big changes to lots of lives.

Mine for one…

• I am more tolerant of my children's behaviour. If one of them won't go to sleep at the time, I don't stress. I relish the extra cuddles.

• If one of them is ill I stop what I'm doing completely. Even when I'm busy and they don't really need me, I just sit and spend quiet time with them. Again, I relish the cuddles.

• I always checked on my children before I went to bed but now I spend a few moments sat on the bed or sat by the cot. I stroke hair. I wish cheeks. I feel love.

• I don't stress about the small stuff. I'm more relaxed than I ever used to be. 

• I've given up my freelance work so I can spend more time with my children. It's where I want to be. They are growing up so fast and I want to be a part of that.

• I've found out about The Lullaby Trust and the amazing work they do. I cut back on cards and gifts this Christmas and donated money instead. Having met Francine recently, it feels great to support such a wonderful charity to help families like yours.

• I am learning to also look after myself too. A happy mummy makes for happy children and that's what's important

There are a couple of other things that have happened. 

I've made two very beautiful and dearly loved friends because of you. 

Your mummy and Susanne. 

They mean so much to me. Susanne and I travelled to your funeral together and we read aloud. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but I did it for you and for your mummy. 

I've told your mummy that I will always be here for her and I promise you that, Tilda. I'll always be here for Susanne too - you know how much she's helped your Mummy. She's helped me too.

As much as I love them, I would give up their friendship in a heartbeat to have you back where you belong. In your mummy's arms.

Life is so cruel but something special has happened. It's all because of you and your wonderful mummy.

Baby died,

People cried.

Candles lighted, 

Friends united. 

Money made,

Awareness raised. 

Legacy grew,

Look what love can do.

Rest in peace baby girl.

Love Heather xx

2nd May - Tilda's Day

It's just a date, right?

Well, yes it is, of course.

But this is a date that will be in many people's hearts and minds for the rest of their lives.

A date when an amazing mother and father should have been celebrating the 1st birthday of their beautiful baby girl, Matilda Mae.

It's not right.

It's not fair.

I've been struggling all week. Not knowing what to write. My heart is heavy and my mind can't concentrate.

I have a book that I write in each day that my best friend bought me. It's a five year book that asks a question each day, so you can compare your answers over 5 years. A couple of weeks back the words read something like "I wish I could stop ____________ from happening".

I wrote 'cot death'.

I don't think my answer will change, even by 2018.

As I look at Tiny Ched, I think of Tilda and everything she should be. Everything that Jennie and David have lost.

2nd May will be a date, just like 2nd February and 7th March that will live with me forever.

Pink angel slices for a sweet angel

I've made plans for today. Plans to celebrate Matilda's short life and honour her birthday in some small way. I'm meeting Susanne and Lisa with our children for a picnic in the park. We are meeting where we will be walking a mile in memory of Matilda in less than two weeks.

We are going to blow bubbles and enjoy pink treats. I'm also dressing myself and the kids in pink and purple.

There will be lots of tears (I have invested in a multipack of tissues) but there will be happiness too. Susanne and I have a unique bond from our journey to Tilda's funeral and back and I know, when I see her tomorrow, all those memories will come flooding back.

We will, as we have done everyday, think of David, Jennie and Matilda Mae.

Then tonight, as the sun sets on 2nd May, I will be lighting a candle for Matilda as her parents say goodbye to their precious little girl in a way that Jennie describes so beautifully.

It's something no parent should have to do and I hope they somehow find the strength to get through it.

It's not just a date. It's a remembrance and a celebration.

Of a short life.

Of a life of love and beauty.

It's also a time to reflect.

Of what could have been.

Of what should have been.

2nd May.

A date that will never be forgotten.

Tilda's day.

Happy 1st Birthday in the sky sweet angel xx

I've blogged before about an auction taking place in memory of Matilda Mae. This auction will be running from 11th May - 20th May 2013 with all proceeds going to The Lullaby Trust (formerly FSID).  They help support families, like Jennie's, who have experienced the loss of a baby from sudden infant death syndrome. 

There is an ever growing list of generous people and companies who have donated to the auction and full details of everything available will be online soon. Please help support the auction in any way you can by bidding, tweeting, posting on Facebook, emailing etc. Get the word out there!

If you require any further information, you can contact Jennie or Susanne.

This post was written as part of a blog hop for Matilda's 1st Birthday. You can view the other entries here:

The Lullaby Trust - A Beautiful New Name

Today marks a historic occasion.

The Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths (FSID) is changing it's name. The charity was founded well over 40 years ago, in 1971, so this is a big deal.

From today the charity will be known as The Lullaby Trust.

Beautiful name isn't it?

So very fitting.

A kiss goodnight for Tiny Ched

You hear the word 'lullaby' and already you feel an overwhelming sense of calm. Lullabies have been used to soothe babies to sleep throughout history and some of the ones we still sing now are hundreds of years old.

I have to say that Twinkle Twinkle Little Star has always been a favourite in this house. I still sing it to Mini Cheddar, if she's poorly or just wants comforting, even though she's 4 now. She will also sing it to her baby brother, Tiny Ched. Whenever I am comforting TC it's always the lullaby I choose.

The lullaby has more significance with me now though. I can't sing it without thinking about Matilda Mae, beautiful daughter of Jennie, who was taken away at the age of 9 months to cot death or sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS).

Cot death.

Two words that strike fear into any parent, especially those with young babies.

It's something that has always been in my mind during the early months of both children. Something that will now stay with me forever having a friend who's experienced the pure devastation of losing a baby.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Jennie and her family. I know that I'll never listen or sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in quite the same way.

The work of The Lullaby Trust is so important. No parent should have to say goodbye to a child, especially not a happy and healthy baby taken without warning. The Lullaby Trust is there to offer families, like Jennie's, the support and guidance they need to deal with the loss of a baby to cot death.

It is hoped that the new name will be a gentler approach to help more families access support and information. Apparently more than 600 healthy babies in the U.K. die without warning every year. Shocking statistics. That's 600 devastated families. The Lullaby Trust are striving to reduce that number to under 200 by 2015 then further again.

Please take a moment to help spread the word about the name change for The Lullaby Trust and the amazing work they do. Blog it. Tweet it. Facebook it. Talk about it. Help raise awareness now.

I, for one, think the name change is beautiful...just like Matilda Mae.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Tilda Star xx


This is MC's favourite version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star - she loves to watch the owl and the star dancing together.