Life's Too Short

'Life's Too Short' is a phrase you often hear. It's a phrase that's heard when you can't make a decision on something, usually a treat, that has you battling the extra expense etc.

I'm facing such a battle at the moment.

Regular readers will know that last January, when I was 27 weeks pregnant with TC, we went to Orlando, Florida for 3 weeks. It was incredible. None of us wanted to come home, even after 3 weeks.

It was a fairly last minute decision for such a big holiday. A lot of people plan a trip over there years in advance but we booked it just a couple of months before. The thing about my husband is, he sees an opportunity and he grabs it with both hands. The company where he worked (he's since left) has a number of gorgeous houses and condos he could get for less than £100 a week - we are talking 3 and 4 bedrooms with swimming pools. He thought, once TC, was born it would be at least another 2 or 3 years, if not a lot longer, before we could do anything like it again so he went for it.

He's now looking at going back...

...this year!

I knew this January would be a bit hard. It's the anniversary of our trip and he keeps reliving it - as we all do. Even MC still talks about it now! I can't watch the videos of our trip without getting emotional about it all.

Anyway, it's no secret, Matt and I absolutely love to travel and since having children our travels have been slightly less adventurous - opting for a villa in Lanzarote or a farm in Tuscany over a Route 66 road trip or the Arctic Circle to see the Northern Lights. America is a great love of ours. We've been to many States (we both have family over there) and so to get the chance to go to Florida was a big treat!

The thing is, he can still get the cheap accommodation as he has a few shares in his old company so he logged on last night, on a whim, to check availability.

"Hey, if it's all booked then it wasn't meant to be" he laughed.

I'd heard this before. This is exactly how the conversation went just before we booked the last trip!

"It looks like the condo is available in May for 3 weeks".

Feck.

He then says he better just double check with them and drops them an email.

Then he's online looking at costs of flights and car hire. I go to bed last night with my head spinning.

6am this morning I'm woken by his voice.

"They've emailed me back. Those weeks are available".

I'm having quite a hard time with what to do for the best. I didn't think we'd be going again until maybe just before TC's 3rd birthday (the same age MC was when we took her), if not longer. I would love to go - it's an incredible place - but TC will only be 13/14 months old. I know he'd love it but he won't remember a thing about it. I'm not worried about the flights as, apart from the odd bout of bad teething, he's the worlds most chilled out little baby but I am worried about the heat for him.

However, one thing is eating away at me.

One thing is telling me to stop being silly and just DO IT!

A couple of weeks after we got back last time I wrote a post 'A Beginners Guide To Orlando And Walt Disney World'. It was a post that sparked quite a bit of attention and discussion on my blog and across Twitter. Funnily enough, it's a post that has been my 'most popular post' for the last couple of weeks. When I saw it pop to the top the other week I began to think about the people who were using it to plan their trips. Then I started to scroll through the comments.

One stuck out a mile and had me crying at my laptop.

This...

A comment left by Kerry (aka Multiple Mummy) who passed away at the age of 30 (with 3 children all under the age of 5) only a month ago.

I haven't told Matt yet but Kerry's words are getting to me.

You really never know what's round the corner.

Matt and I are going to talk it over tonight and make a decision but something tells me that life is definitely too short to let opportunities pass you by.

To Continue To Breastfeed Or Not To Continue To Breastfeed...

...that is the question I've had to wrestle with over the past week or so.

It's not been an easy decision to make.

Not in the slightest.

Those of you who read my post last week will know I got the dreaded mastitis. To say I was ill was a bit of an understatement - I felt horrendous. The antibiotics and the anti-imflammotories, although perfectly safe in breastfeeding, caused Tiny Ched to be seriously sickly. He couldn't hold any of my milk down so I was advised by the doctor to take a break from breastfeeding whilst on the tablets for a week.

I was heartbroken.

I'd breastfed TC for 7 months. In fact, it was the day before he turned 7 months that he started throwing up violently.

28th March 2012
A newly born TC
I can't tell you how much I love this little man
and I will always do the best for him

I think as soon as I realised I'd have to take a break that it would ultimately be the end.

Anyone who's breastfed and stopped, be it through choice or through force, it's quite an emotional roller coaster. I remember being extremely teary when I stopped breastfeeding Mini Cheddar 3 years ago - even though it was my choice to stop. My hormones were all over the place.

This hasn't been my choice though.

I know the mastitis wasn't my fault but I'm still beating myself up about it. A teething TC caused a cut on my nipple and that's how the bacteria got in. Couldn't be helped. It got hold of me in the night so the real damage was done by the time the excruciating pain woke me at 5.30am.

Anyway, before I ramble on and on, I've decided not to continue to breastfeed after this break.

There, I said it.

I've absolutely loved breastfeeding TC - my breastfeeding experience (mastitis aside) has been wonderful and so it's been a really hard decision to stop. I'm okay when my mind is taken off of it but when I'm alone, tired or just having cuddles with TC my heart aches (as well as my boobs!).

I could try and re-establish breastfeeding but I've chosen not to for the following reasons:

* I don't think I want to go through the hormonal effect of stopping again
* I'm scared to crap that I'm going to get mastitis again (it's nasty!)
* TC is teething sooo badly again. I see him tearing up the bottle teats and I'm so thankful it's not my nipple
* After TC flatly refusing the bottle for 7 months he's taken to it brilliantly
* I'm scared of being rejected
* I've done 7 months. I call that quite good going!
* I can drink copious amounts wine, eat spicy curry and baked beans*

I could become a 'pumping mummy' but I don't want to go down that road. Some completely pro-breastfeeding people (I'm talking about the extreme breast feeders) may think I'm being slightly selfish but I don't see it like this.

I'm not against formula milk in the slightest. What works best for mum and baby is what matters - there is no use trying to breastfeed or re-establish breastfeeding if it's going to make one of you (or both) unhappy.

Many women try and fail to breastfeed - good for them for trying. Many women choose not to even try for various reasons - this is their decision and if it works for them then good for them too.

Although I'm upset about stopping, I'm happy in my choice not to continue if that makes sense? Yes, I would liked to have carried on but I think I can forgive myself and pat myself on the back and the same time too...although I'm not sure that's physically possible?

Thanks to all those who offered their support on here, Email. Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, G+ - you lovely people rock!

Right, where's that bottle of wine?





* I'm obviously joking with this one! "hic"

Coming Out

Until the middle of last year only Matt knew about my blog. None of my family or close friends were aware of its existence.

It wasn't because I was ashamed. I'm actually really proud of my blog. I guess I just felt a little uncomfortable knowing they would be reading about things before I'd had chance to tell them myself. It's like having someone you know read your personal diary - I guess having strangers read it would feel different somehow, if that makes sense?

It wasn't until last Spring/Summer when I'd got some advice from a fellow blogger to help out my best friend. She asked me "So how do you know this person?". I was caught off-guard. I couldn't think of something quickly so I replied "Erm, well actually through blogging. I have a blog". Her response to my confession was very matter-of-fact. She didn't scowl at my secretiveness nor did she guffaw at my geekiness.

She merely asked how long I'd been doing it, looked slightly interested and asked me to send her the link.

I'd thought about coming out for a while and this was the first step.

When I made it to the MAD Blog Award finals last year I was over the moon. To be nominated for Best New Blog just 5 months after writing my first blog post was incredible.

I knew I wanted to go to the Awards Ceremony in London.

I decided to tell my parents about my blog *gulp*

I wasn't sure what they would think of their youngest daughter laying her life down on a computer screen to every Tom, Dick and Harry. I'd even featured pictures of my Mum and Dad and even their parents on my blog without them knowing. I'd given away secrets of my younger more crazy years and talked about  fuck buddies *cough cough*

Mum and Dad loved it.

Infact Mum reads it religiously and they always say how proud they are of me.

I love this so much.

Next I told a handful of close friends. I think one reads it religiously, a couple dip in and out and a couple probably don't read. As far as I'm aware they all think it's great and I haven't had any negative comments. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe they secretly think I'm a big geek!

Being nominated for 2 categories in this years MAD Blog Awards has completely blown me away. My blog doesn't have a massive following compared to others but it made the finals.

"Look Mummy! We are in the paper!"

An article went in last weeks local Chronicle newspaper about my blog being in the finals again and there's another article scheduled to go in another local paper either today or next week.

I have just shy of 200 'friends' on my personal Facebook, these range from close friends and family to ex-work colleagues, some old school friends, acquaintances I've made over the years and a handful of baby forum friends and blogging friends.

I keep my Twitter and Instagram feed separate from my personal Facebook account. I keep my blog Facebook page separate too.

An old school friend posted on my personal Facebook wall last week that she had seen the article in the local paper and that she had a look at my blog. She said it was amazing.

It's got me thinking.

Should I just come out properly once and for all?

What am I so afraid of?

It's been in the newspaper so anyone can see it if they care to look. I'm proud of my blog so what do I care if people don't like it or think I'm stupid? My blog has made me some pretty fabulous friends and brought our family some amazing treats, freebies and even some money.

Will people read it religiously anyway?  They may have a look when I announce it but once they've had a good look (and a laugh) they will probably never look at it again.

I don't know why it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. But then I thought I'd feel uncomfortable about my parents knowing about my blog but it doesn't - I really love it. I guess there would be a small handful of people I wouldn't want to see it so maybe that's what is putting me off?

I agreed for it to go in the paper so I must secretly want people to know about it. I think this is what I'm battling with at the moment. I think I am hoping people spot me up for an award in the paper so it makes me look better for having a blog maybe?

I'd love to hear if your friends and family know about your blog. Have they known from the start or did you 'come out'? If so, how did you do it and what was their reaction?

Only time will tell if I'll come out properly but for now I'm just jumping in and out of the shadows waiting for someone to put the light on. If the spotlight does go on my blog you can bet I'll break out in a cold sweat at the thought of everyone who knows me having a look at my secret blogging life.

*gulp*

Decisions, Decisions...

Matt's interview in America went well - he did his best. Now all we can do is wait.

As I spoke to him last night the uncertainty of even going to the US for this interview has spilled over into what will be if he does get the job.

He's not happy with his work at the moment, he hasn't been for a while. However, his current work allows him to work from home in 'the den' so I'm lucky in respect that, most of the time, he's on hand to help me out. In the early days after MC was born this was a complete Godsend.

He applied for this new job never really thinking he would even get a first interview. To be honest, neither did I. The job looked very high profile (not that he's not, of course) and also more than one language. Being from Derby, Matt even struggles with the English language sometimes!*

So when he got a first telephone interview we were both taken aback. Then he got a second interview. Wow. Then a third one down in London. I thought maybe that would be the end of the line but no. He was due to give a presentation to the head office in Virginia over Skype. Next thing we know - they want to see him. They said they'd fly him out to spend the day with them. He could do the presentation in person and then would have 7 (yes 7!) one-on-ones with various people in the business.

So now here we are awaiting the result which should hopefully come by the end of the week.

He loved the company, loved the people (although he wouldn't be working directly with them) but he said to me last night "If they offer it to me and IF I take it".

"Er? Hold on! 'IF' you take it. What do you mean 'IF'?" I said to him.

MC on Skype with Daddy and Cousin Nick on Sunday.
This may be a more regular occurrence!

So he goes on to explain that he was told that he'd have to go over the the US once a quarter. Plus he'd have to spend some time in London and he doesn't know whether he can cope with that as he'd have to leave me and MC (and the new arrival) again. Thankfully we have relatives that live a stones throw from the US office (Matt spent most of his time over the weekend with them) and they've said that he can stay with them and they'd also love to have me and the kids come out too.

He also said that he never thought he'd get this far and now he has, he's apprehensive. So I asked him why he'd even gone out to the US if he wasn't sure about it. He said he needed to prove to himself he could do it.

So, here we are playing the waiting game. This isn't great when we have a baby due in just less than 5 weeks! If he does get it then last thing I want is him disappearing down to London or even worse, America when there's a new baby on the block!

I'm in two minds about what I want the result to be. I'd be thrilled if he was offered it as it's an amazing opportunity but at the same time I think I may be secretly thrilled if he doesn't get it and I think, from speaking to him last night, that he feels the same. At least then there will be no decision to make and I'll have a husband at home.

All we can do now is wait.





*Obviously a joke before anyone from Derby takes offence ;-)

Pregnancy Patter - 26 Weeks...The Christmas Edition

Firstly MERRY CHRISTMAS! I hope you all had an amazing time full of love and laughter.

Yes, I know, I'm 2 days late. I did wish everyone a Merry Christmas on Facebook and Twitter and I had plans to write a post but time (and illness) didn't allow.

Secondly, dear readers, an apology.

2 weeks ago I promised you a bump picture in this update and I've failed. I have a good excuse though - I've been poorly again this last week. I went downhill fast, managed to get through Christmas Day and then crashed into a bed-ridden state yesterday. Matt has been really ill too so it hasn't been a totally great Christmas in our house, sadly. I've actually got up out of bed today but still not feeling great. We were supposed to go to Nottingham to visit the inlaws Boxing Day but so far, we haven't made it. We are hoping to go tomorrow.

Mini Cheddar has been so well behaved. She has a cold but has been feeling okay despite having to have her nose wiped every second of the day. We felt so bad for her yesterday as she was just left to her own devices whilst Matt and I did relay sleeping as we both felt terrible.

Still, on the positive side, at least (hopefully) all our illnesses will be gone in time for the holiday next week.

Back to the pregnancy...I'm still suffering with heartburn but oddly I haven't had it as bad as I would have expected after overloading on meat, brussell sprouts, cheese and cake etc. Baby is still partying hard inside - making me wince sometimes it's so uncomfortable.

I have a midwife appointment first thing tomorrow morning just to check everything is okay before we go away. I'm hoping to find out which way the baby is as I'm convinced this one is breech again like MC.

Matt and I are starting to panic a bit about space in the house. Christmas has brought an influx of toys and games to the house - far too many. Come April we will have a baby and I dread to think how much stuff next Christmas. When we return from Florida we are going to have to do some serious sorting out. At least the nursery is decorated and so is MC's new bedroom so that's a weight off our minds.

Yes I'm still in two minds over the whole VBAC v's elective caesarean section but I've promised myself I'm going to forget about it for the next few weeks and just enjoy the break away.

So sorry about the rubbish update but I'm hoping this picture will make up for it. This is MC taken Christmas morning with one of her presents over her PJ's. This is what has kept me going through feeling rubbish...

p.s. Whilst I'm away in January I have 7 great bloggers lined up with some fab guest posts for your reading pleasure. Really looking forward to show-casing some of my blogging friends to you...more news on that next week and I promise a bump picture next time *hangs head*

Pregnancy Patter - 22 Weeks And The Big VBAC Debate

I can't believe it's almost 2 weeks since my 20 week scan. I'm 22 weeks tomorrow - eek.

2 weeks of knowing the sex of our baby, it's a strange feeling...one I'm still not really used to. Part of me wishes that I didn't know as some of the excitement has gone now. Matt wanted to know (and I didn't) so I'll blame him happily. Still, at least it gives me something to focus on and the opportunity to look at proper themes for the nursery rather than just going neutral like we did last time.

In my last update I told you that I was ill with a sore throat and headache and that Mini Cheddar had been suffering badly with an awful cold and cough. Well, that transferred to me and I've spent a good amount of time in bed over these past couple of weeks feeling truly horrible (hence the lack of blog activity). I still have an awful cough now. Just as I was starting to recover at the end of last week I was hit with a stomach bug (or I ate something that didn't agree with me) and spent another day and a half in bed - and on the loo!

I'm hoping that after 3 weeks of illness I'm finally bug free and can look forward to Christmas - and our yearly December mini holiday up to Edinburgh in a couple of weeks. I'm also hoping to catch up on everyones blogs again!

So, on to other things...

As most of you know I had to have an elective section due to Mini Cheddar being well and truly stuck in the breech position.

The thing is, I'd planned a natural water birth so when I was told this news I was completely crushed. My NCT course covering natural birth (with a brief 10 minute section on caesarean birth) seemed pretty pointless at the time. I spent a good couple of weeks in tears and took to a baby forum where, with help from others in the same situation, I got through it and accepted I was having a c-section.

I turned it into a positive in the end and, as it happened, I had an amazing birth. The caesarean was a lovely experience and one I will cherish.

Shortly after the birth of Mini Cheddar
(eyes and nose puffy from blubbing)

So, now I'm pregnant again and over half way through. I saw my consultant a couple of weeks ago and she gave me a leaflet on having a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean). They are recommending I try for a VBAC as I have no real medical reason to request a caesarean but I can push for one if I wish.

The thing is, after being so totally crushed at not being able to go through a natural birth process last time, I always thought I would jump at the chance for a VBAC. But now, faced with the decision I find myself wondering if I really want to try for one. My head is filled with so many questions...

1. What if my scar ruptures?
2. What if I can't get through the natural birth and end up having an emergency caesarean?
3. What if something awful happens?
4. What if, what if, what if?

I know it's just me being silly and worrying but I know so many women who have gone through natural labour only to end up having an emergency caesarean. I don't think I could cope with that after having such a positive first birth experience. The thought of everything spiralling out of control makes me very nervous.

However, it may not come to that...everything could be fine.

If I choose an elective section the thought of having to spend 2 nights in hospital away from Matt and Mini Cheddar after afterwards also fills me with dread. The thought of not being able to pick MC up or do much around the house etc. is not something I would want either.

However, when I had my first caesarean, as it was elective, I had a great recovery. I was driving 2 weeks afterwards and healed really quickly.

I have been told if I go for a VBAC then they will only allow me to go a week overdue and if there are no signs of labour they will go ahead with a caesarean anyway so part of me is thinking I should just go ahead with a section and save all the faffing!

Oh decisions, decisions.

I'm seeing my consultant 21st February 2012 so I have until then to decide. I'm trying not to think about it until after Christmas but it's not going to be easy.

My Always Shining Star (My Birth Story)

This post has been a long time coming and a few weeks back I was prompted to mention it on a post by Karin at Cafebebe. She contacted me and told me she'd love to hear it and I think it will be a good one to blog about as a memory and may help some people out there facing an important birthing decision.

This will probably be the biggest blog post I've ever written and the most personal photos I'll ever share.

Before I start though, I'd just like to let you all know that I'm guest posting over at Chronicles Of A Reluctant HouseDad today so, after I've bored you with my birth story, you can head over to Keith's place and I can bore you with why I love being a Stay At Home Mum!

So, got yourself a brew? Comfy? Then I'll begin.

Back in July 2008 when I found out I was expecting my first child at the age of 34 I was ecstatic! So began my preparations over the following months - picking out nursery furniture to convert the spare room, buying baby clothes, choosing names and also writing my birth plan.

I wanted a water birth.

Think low-lighting, music playing.  I had the perfect picture in my head.

I started listening to hypnotherapy CD's to help me with the birth and I thought I was in control of everything.

My bump had never caused me concern until around week 28 when, at a midwife check, I was told the baby was feet down (breech). The midwife didn't seem too concerned saying there was plenty of time for he/she to move.

As the weeks went on it was apparent that the baby was not turning. By 35 weeks I was really starting to panic and booked to have a treatment of moxibustion to try and turn the baby naturally. We even continued this at home - yes, Matt ended up basically burning candles on my toes! I was also positioning my body to encourage turning and also playing music to my lady garden! The things you'll do.

I was in sheer panic at the thought of not being able to deliver my baby naturally. I cried endlessly and sought comfort in baby forums.  I was a wreck although I hid it from the outside world.  We had paid for NCT classes and felt we were so knowledgeable about natural birth but we weren't prepared for the possibility of a caesarean.

At 36 weeks I was offered an ECV to try and manipulate the baby to turn. I did a lot of research on the procedure and spoke at length to the consultant. As it happened, when we had a late scan, the baby was well and truly stuck the wrong way so Matt and I decided that it wasn't for us. We opted for an elective caesarean section. I fought with many demons over this decision but it will, to this day, be one of the best decisions I ever made.

I was booked in to have the section Wednesday 11th March 2009 (due date was 16th March).  There was only one person, other than Matt, that knew I was booked in and that was my Sister. We took the decision not to tell anyone to lessen their worry and also let it be a surprise when the baby was born. Again, this was one of the best decisions we made.

I used the next couple of weeks to prepare myself for everything I would need to get through the section with as little upset as possible.  I bought the NCT Caesarean Birth book which was excellent.  I bought myself a caesarean belt from Mothercare and I bought myself some arnica pills from Boots.

The night before the section Matt and I went out for a meal to the restaurant he'd proposed marriage and where we'd had our wedding reception meal.  It was lovely. The two of us were wrapped in this little bubble - we knew we were going to be parents the next day and our lives would change forever.

That night I woke up at 2am and I was really sick.  I had bad tightening pains that felt like severe
menstrual cramps start in the morning and I was leaking fluid.  On the way to the hospital I had a couple of really bad pains and I'm still convinced that I was in early labour and that the baby knew it was time to come out.

I was so calm at the hospital until the anesthetist came in to talk to me about what was going to happen. I felt uncontrollably teary and down the corridor I heard a baby enter the world with it's first cry and I started to shake.

Sexy *cough*

I needn't have worried though...my tears turned to laughter later when Matt appeared in the room looking more like some idiot from Scrubs rather than George Clooney in ER as I had hoped (sorry Matt!).

I couldn't believe how relaxed and friendly it was inside the theatre when we got there. The radio was playing and everyone was lovely.  The spinal block I had was fine although the sensation of not feeling your legs is a little strange at first! Matt was sat next to my head holding my hand. I felt quite calm.

Within 5 minutes of them starting the procedure I remember the midwife (who was standing next to us) saying "Your baby is about to be born".

Matt and I both got a little emotional as we looked at each other for a brief moment as 'childless parents'. Matt said "listen to the radio" and I heard an old early 90's song called You from Ten Sharp playing with these words:

You, you were always on my mind
you, you're the one I've been living for
you, you're my everlasting fire
you're my always shining star

Then our beautiful baby was held up by the for us by the obstetrician so we could both see she was a little girl.

New (and knackered and emotional) parents

We both started crying and I vaguely remember Mini Cheddar deciding to poo meconium at that point. Always one for an entrance is our daughter!

Matt was able to cut the cord and then she was passed to us for some immediate skin-to-skin.  We were just so happy, even writing this post makes it all come flooding back like it was only yesterday.

I was stitched up and we were taken back into the recovery room where we were able to cuddle our daughter and then phone our families.  They were so shocked as we hadn't told them. I'll never forget phoning my Dad, who was on the golf course at the time and I heard him get very emotional.

When I think back to how upset, angry, worried and frustrated that I couldn't have the 'natural' birth I wanted I have to laugh at myself. For me, my section was the most amazing experience ever.

Freshly wrapped Mini Cheddar

I took arnica from the moment of my operation and my recovery was excellent. I was in far better shape a week later than a friend who had a natural birth just 2 days before I had my caesarean. I was also back driving within 2 weeks and leading a normal life (as normal as life can be that is with a new baby!)

I know when there was the prospect of me having a caesarean I did receive a couple of comments (one from a stranger and one from a 'friend' who is anti-caesarean) who made me feel bad, like I was failing at being a 'real mother'. Well, you know what? I don't feel any less of a woman for not delivering naturally, in fact I'm proud of myself that I went through all that I did.

However a child is born us mothers are strong, determined and courageous to carry our bundles and give birth - whether that's naturally or not.