A Little Something For The Weekend Perhaps? Guest Post by Lady Estrogen

Put it quite simply, Lady Estrogen rocks!  She writes the most amazingly open and fabulous blog Adventures In Estrogen which I thought I needed to introduce to you.  I know a couple of you have also found her but I feel the need to spread the word which is why I asked her if she wanted to write a guest post for my blog.

I only asked her last weekend and within 2 days she'd sent it to me.  See, I told you she rocks!  She tells the most amazing stories so I was excited to see what she'd come up with.

I think I stumbled across Lady Estrogen as we were both tagged in some awful meme back in January.  We got talking on Twitter and our online friendship really hit it off when we both realised our love for the film Heathers.  I uncovered the truth on her meme and she posted me this cool t-shirt which I now rock!

She's the mother of twins but her blog isn't the traditional 'mummy blog' that you'll see - her blog is her time, her experiences, her issues and her bitching.  Her blog strapline is "Bring It. Bitch It. Blog It".  Perfect!

So, without further ado, I bring you the fabulous Lady Estrogen...

The Whale & the Mopey Dick

When I took the pregnancy test (probably too early than I should have), that little line came up fast and bright; BAHM!

OK. Definitely pregnant.

At the ultrasound appointment the woman was taking her sweet ass time.

I joked, “How many are in there?”

She looked up at me and very as-a-matter-of-factly replied, “Two.”

From the moment we found out they were twins, my husband was petrified and his nuts retracted so far up himself I would have needed a fishing pole to fetch them out. He didn’t want to touch me, let alone have sex. I kept telling him that it was OK and I would repeatedly show him literature about it, but he didn’t care. His constant excuse: “I don’t want to knock them loose!”

The conundrum was that the bigger I got, the hornier I got and the hornier I got, the more terrified my husband got. Usually, I would just take care of my own business, as I had gotten accustomed  to doing because I married someone with 1/10 the sex drive as myself. Here’s the catch though... I was too big to even get myself off. I couldn’t reach; I was a fucking whale! I had to take a shower every time I went to the bathroom for Christ’s sake, so the idea of playing with myself was a physical impossibility. It was ridiculous.

Night after night I went to bed uncomfortable AND unfulfilled; it sucked.

Remember the scene from Ghostbusters when Dana Barrett was possessed and was completely restless and horny on her bed? Oh ya, that was me! Well, maybe not as smouldering hot, but you get the idea. A few times I had even tried to take hubby by force, but his mopey dick had appeared to have joined his terrified testicles, all three sulking and hiding together.

The detachable shower head was my only solace.

I named him Sven.