It's a question the rears it's ugly head once in a while.
It's a question that I sometimes answer with a passion. Ready for a fight that never comes.
It's a question that I sometimes answer with weakness and dread. Then I kick myself for not being proud and not fighting my corner when that question I dread is asked of me.
"What do you do?"
Such a simple question.
It should be a simple answer.
"I'm a stay at home mum" comes my reply.
It's either met with enthusiasm or jealousy...
"Oooh how fabulous!" "You're so lucky! I wish I could afford to stay at home with the kids - they are only little for such a short time"
...Or it's met with misunderstanding or ignorance.
It happened to me again the other month.
An older brother of an ex-boyfriend I hadn't seen in years.
"So what are you doing now?" he said eagerly.
"I'm a stay at home mum".
"Ooooooh" he laughed "A lady of leisure!"
"Ha, yeah" came my feeble response as I wasn't prepared for a fight…but then I never am. "I wish!" I added on the end and then quickly changed the subject.
I'd like to think I would be ready to stand up for myself but I never am. I then spend the rest of the yearmonthweek day kicking myself for not being stronger and standing up for something I believe in. Something I love.
It makes me feel like crap.
But...
Why should I have to explain myself?
Why should anyone judge me for giving up a career to be with my kids?
Why should anyone think that being a stay-at-home-mum resembles the lifestyle of a WAG?
I don't judge women who return to work. In fact I salute them. I'm not entirely sure I could do it, especially full-time.
But this isn't going to be one of those posts that gives all the pros and cons about working versus staying at home. It's been done thousands of times over and the same divides remain. It's quite tiresome actually.
I just know that I hate being judged for the decision I've made. I hate people thinking I swan around each day meeting friends for coffee, having my nails done or going shopping.* It can also make me feel like some kind of second class citizen. Like I don't belong if you know what I mean?
The fact remains, I hate the "What do you do?" question and I don't think that feeling will ever change.
However, I love being a stay-at-home-mum (the clues in the blog!). I love that I am here for my kids and I can watch them both grow. I know that I have these feelings on my side and all the people who are ignorant to my decision can, quite frankly, do one!
If they want to think I lead a WAG lifestyle then let them. The thing is, I lead a lifestyle far more richer than any WAG. I lead a happy and healthy lifestyle with my children and that's something I'm mightily proud of.
* I still have spa vouchers I was given as a gift in March that I haven't used yet!
I'm extremely busy, my head is all over the place. After a few rocky weeks, life is beginning to look good.
Really good.
So why don't I feel good?
I can't help but feel for others.
My heart aches for them. Literally aches.
I'm so busy but I'm finding it so hard to concentrate.
I have some friends that are going through seriously bad times at the moment. Times that you wouldn't wish on anyone. Times that no-one can really begin to understand unless you've been there yourself.
Really bad times.
One of my closest friends is facing a hard time. Her and her husband are the one of the nicest couples you could meet and her husband is great. Always willing to help anyone. A grafter.
A real grafter.
He's hands on with everything and, if you were going to describe him, he'd be the definition of 'diamond geezer'.
He's someone you want as your friend.
Anyway, they are on the verge of having everything they've worked so hard for taken away through no fault of their own.
It makes me feel mad.
It also makes me feel guilty.
I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. Little pangs of guilt that everything is going so well for us while their world is being turned upside-down. It's just not fair.
I try to tell myself that everything is happening to us because we've worked hard for it. I like to think that Matt and I are good people. We are always there for our family and friends if they need us. We see our family and friends regularly. We both give monthly donations to charity and have done for years. I volunteer (although I am taking a small break at the moment but still doing bits from home) in my local Save The Children shop one day a week. We aren't religious but we lead honest and decent lives. In a nutshell...we do our bit.
But my friends work hard too.
They are good people too.
So why is this happening to them?
At the moment I can't make sense of the world. There doesn't seem to be any justice. News this year from a range of friends has just been awful. I look around at all the pain and sadness and I feel really angry.
Today is my last official day and I'm going to miss it SO much.
I know I bang on about my volunteering work a lot. It's not that I am trying to big myself up. There are so many people who do vast amounts of charity work - they are amazing. All I do is spend a few hours each week helping out in the shop.
No, it's because I get so much from it and want to spread the word on how doing something like this can make you feel soooo good.
Yes, I volunteer for ME.
There, I said it.
Yes, I decided to volunteer to help a charity but it's become more than that. I volunteer to meet new people, to gain new skills, to enjoy myself, to get something more out of life - something different.
Becoming a volunteer has given me a new lease of life.
All I have to say is that if you have any time whatsoever, please please PLEASE consider helping your local charity shop. Have a look at what Save The Children have to say about volunteering - there are a variety of roles that you can get involved with.
If you'd like to read my journey over the past year as a volunteer then please check out the Save The Children link at the top of my blog.
In the meantime, whilst I'm not working at the shop I will continue to blog about Save The Children as my chosen 'blog' charity. At the end of December I blogged that I was part of the #66cities campaign for the charter to end hunger. Just to let you know that my letters were heard by the MP's and sent to David Cameron and I received replies in January. Just doing something simple like this helps the efforts of Save The Children. I was invited by Save The Children to deliver the petition to No.10 but I was away on holiday unfortunately.
Don't leave it too late. Get involved. Every action, however small, helps.
Yes, he came home last week but this post is really to let you all know that thankfully unfortunately, we found out yesterday, he didn't get the job.
I think I mentioned in my post last week that we were even surprised he got a first interview, nevermind a second, third and forth (in America!). The job specification asked for at least two languages and Matt only speaks one. Apparently that's the only reason they decided against him.
They have said though that there may be something else in the future if the UK business really takes off.
Still, their loss is our gain! Plus he got a free trip to America and also got to see some of our relatives which was a nice bonus.
Yes it would have been a good opportunity but, as I mentioned previously, Matt came back from America full of doubt about whether he would take it even if it was offered to him. They said they would want him over in the States at least 4 times a year as well as spending a couple of days in London each week (we live in North Wales). It wasn't something he felt comfortable about.
Neither did I.
Having 'Daddy' away from home for so long had a bigger impact on Mini Cheddar than I thought it would. She missed him terribly and for the first few days after his return she would get anxious if he went out anywhere without us and would say "I just want Daddy to come home".
She was SO excited the day he was due home. I had told her that his plane had landed in London but he needed to make his way back on the train. Then I got a text to say he was getting into the station a couple of hours earlier than we'd first thought. When I picked her up from play school and told her she was beside herself.
Yes, there was one good thing about Matt going away to America.
Him coming home again.
Who needs a fancy new job when you have a gorgeous daughter who loves you more than anything?
I say 'job' rather loosely. I don't get paid anything for the work I do but I absolutely love it.
My little corner of the charity world
Yes, can you believe it? A year ago today (well, okay, officially it's Saturday this year but let's not be picky) at this time I started volunteering at my local Save The Children shop every Friday. I honestly don't know where the year has gone - I've loved every moment of it. Volunteering gives me such a buzz and I love being able to help out and also share my experiences on my blog.
I was only supposed to volunteer between 9.30am and 1pm every Friday but most of the time I'm there until 4pm when the shop closes. I love the people I work with. I love the customers. Did I mention I love it?
My day can vary so much. Most of the time I'm customer facing - working on the shop floor sorting merchandise and working the till. Sometimes I'm upstairs sorting through donations and even steaming clothes (considering I very rarely get the iron out at home this is quite something!). There is always so much to do and no two days are ever the same.
I'm almost 35 weeks pregnant right now and my last official day at 'work' will be Friday 9th March. I'm gutted. I love that shop so much that they are even mentioned in my will that I made last November.
I am going to go back as soon as I can but it will be difficult for a while. I will continue as much as I can doing good through this blog and that will have to do for now. I'll have an update on that soon.
I didn't get chance to join in with Michelle at Mummy From The Heartand her lovely 'Reasons To Be Cheerful' link up. So, I'm being extra cheerful this week to make up for it but as it happens Michelle has encouraged everyone to be more cheerful = result! I'm also being extra cheerful as I'm going to do my first link up with Maxabella Loves on the other side of the world. I love finding new blogs to read so it's a chance to hop around about 'down under'.
1. I love my new 'job'
I say job but it's not really as it's volunteer work. I'm now volunteering at a local Save The Children shop. If you haven't already read it, you should have a little read of my post from earlier this week called 'Born To Volunteer'. It's something I've always wanted to do but always used the 'I don't have the time' line. Well, I find my days are filled to the brim but I've managed to squeeze in some time and do you know what? I love it!
2. It's my daughters 2nd birthday next Friday
I can't believe that 2 years ago on the 11th March she entered this world. She is growing up so fast it's untrue! I am loving my time with her right now - she's really starting to talk properly and it's amazing to watch and my husband and I love having little conversations with her about her day. She was diagnosed with childhood asthma on Thursday, poor little love, so has to have an inhaler before she goes to bed but she's been great with it. In 6 months time she'll be starting play school. Where is the time going?
3. My husband has some time off work coming up
He's off the day of my daughters birthday and he's also off the following week. We have lots of treats and days out planned and I can't wait. Just hoping he's fit enough to manage it with his ankle injury.
4. I went to the cinema
I can't actually remember the last time before that I went to the cinema it was that long ago. I went last night with my best friend and we had a really nice time - especially as we went for a meal first too. My friend picked the film called 'No Strings Attached' which was about 'f*ck buddies'. All I knew before we went was it had Ashton Kutcher in it - nothing like a bit of naked eye candy on a Friday night if you ask me!
5. Spring is definitely in the air
It's finally March. We are through the dull and cold months of January and February. We are through the lull after Christmas where we all feel like we've eaten too much and are on the come-down after the festivities. The snowdrops and daffs are blooming, the sun is shining and everything feels so much better!
6. Bloggy reasons
I was approached by a small company to host an advert or run a giveaway on Tuesday. It's not what I started this blog for but it's nice to get recognition that my blog is being read and enjoyed. Also, I updated my blog banner. I know it's not exactly a reason to be cheerful but it made me a little happy on Wednesday night when I did it. The one I had up before was thrown together in 5 minutes when I first started blogging at the beginning of the year. This one is much better - and it took me 20 minutes, so worth the extra effort haha! The photo of my daughter and I on the right was taken by one of my closest friends who runs Claire Penn Photography. Oh andLady Estrogen also wrote a funny guest post for me which I posted up yesterday...if you haven't read it then have a little look here and go check her out, she's fab!
What are your reasons to be cheerful/thankful this week? Join in the hops and make new friends...
Regular readers to my blog will know I recently took up a position volunteering my time in a local Save The Childrenshop. I started last Friday and I loved it so much I wanted to blog about it - plus a few of you asked me to (thank you for your interest).
For those of you who missed the previous post, it would probably help to read my post 'Charity Doesn't Always Begin At Home' to understand why I decided to do it.
It's strange but whenever I've started a new job I haven't been able to sleep the night before, felt a bit anxious on the morning and all those usual feelings you get when venturing out into a new world of employment. However, last Thursday night I slept like a log. I woke feeling refreshed and raring to go - this has been very rare for me lately. You know things are bad when your own parents turn up on your doorstep with the biggest bottle ofMetatone Tonic you've ever seen in your life! I was so excited, I couldn't wait to get there to help out - even though I had no idea what I was going to be doing.
When I arrived just before 10am I was greeted so warmly by everyone. They were all older than me, which I fully expected, but they were delighted to see me. I half expected some of them to see my young blood as a bit of a threat in a way....I thought they may think I was going to go all Mary Portas on them or something.
I was shown the ropes by a lovely lady called Jackie. She took me on the guided tour which started with the most important place - the kitchen. We went through everything, all their procedures and practices. The shop was great and I instantly felt at home. The shop is really large and the upstairs hub was clean and tidy and I was surprised how well organised it all was.
Helen, the shop supervisor, came in a little later on and she was keen to talk to me about Save The Childrens new 'Born To' campaign. It was a chance to get back to my marketing roots reading through all the material and to understand what Save The Children were trying to achieve and the promotional items they are in the middle of producing.
The 'Born To' campaign is to raise awareness that no child should be born to die. It's currently estimated that 8 million children under the age of five die needlessly every year - it's a shocking statistic and one that really hits home... especially being a mother of a 2 (next week) year old.
Save The Children work in more than 120 countries around the world, including the U.K. and the U.S. saving children's lives and fighting for their rights. The work they do is incredible and they have a superb fundraising efficiency compared to other charities which means a huge percentage of money raised goes direct to the cause.
So, back to my first day. I also got my hands dirty (not literally though) by helping sort through donation bags. It probably sounds dull to a lot of people but this was actually my favorite job of the day. Jackie said she enjoyed it too so the two of us started tipping out the bags onto the counter upstairs. We chatted whilst sorting the wheat from the chaff...deciding what was to go on sale in the shop, then pricing it and tagging it. It was great fun! You know what I even did for a while? I used the industrial steamer to steam some clothes for display. Strange, considering most of the time all my iron does at home is collect dust!
I was only supposed to be there 10am - 2pm but I stayed until gone 3pm and I didn't want to leave I was enjoying it that much. If I hadn't have been busy Saturday I would have been there again the next day.
The great thing about it is, everyone who works there is there because they want to be. Nobody is paid a wage at all. Infact, the Save The Children charity is unusual in that most of their jobs, even managerial positions, are carried out purely by volunteers. All the volunteers in the shop were lovely, a real mix of characters too - all with their own stories to tell.
I came away feeling fantastic. Tired but full of energy and excitement. Next week I'm going to be let loose on the tills for while to help out and I'm looking forward to meeting all the customers. I've never worked in a direct retail environment before, but you know what? I can't wait!
On Saturday I was alerted via twitter to the 'Born To Write' conference that had taken place that day at the Save The Children head office in London. I just so wish I had known about it sooner, I was so upset when I looked into it - I would have loved to have gone but it doesn't stop me becoming involved. My passion for this charity has grown massively since becoming a volunteer. This 1 day has changed my life and had such an impact on me...for the better.
Yes, I now firmly believe I was born to volunteer. What were you born to do?
Those who know me know that I'm not one for attention-seeking (apart from when I have a few vodkas in me but that's another story). I tend to sit back and take things in rather than speak up like others. I'm like it in all aspects of my life - work, rest and play. This is a saying that I face a constant battle with in my life:
"Better to keep your mouth shut and thought a fool than open it and remove the doubt"
It's a great saying but I wish it didn't hang over me so much, I wish I could shake it off. I'm certainly not a fool so why should I feel this way?
I think it's because there are a few people in life who can't help but dominate proceedings and only thrive when they are the centre of attention. They have the biggest voices and aren't afraid to use them. There are also the people who other people can be a bit fearful of most of the time. I'm one of those people, one who will just sit and say nothing but deep-down I'm wanting to be heard. When I used to work I would be sat in a brainstorming meeting thinking of all these great ideas but very rarely plucked up the courage to put them out there. Then someone else would eventually think of it, say it straight away and be called a hero. Meanwhile I'm sat kicking myself.
There are the people who talk a lot, make a lot of jokes at the expense of other people. They are usually the people who feel better about themselves by being horrible about others. Someone once said some really nasty things about friends of mine and I actually stood up to it. I told this person in private that it made me feel uncomfortable. What happened? They panicked (even though I said I would keep it quiet), decided to lie their way out of it and then brought it into a public forum. So me speaking up came back to bite me on the ass as this person was louder and powerful compared to little old me. What did I do? Nothing, I didn't fight back, I turned away.
In addition to this there are some people who just crave attention, they 'like to be liked'. Yes it's nice to be liked but sometimes it can be a bit too much, a bit over-the-top...well that's how it feels to me sometimes. Some people go out of their way to get their point across and you (well, me) can get pushed to one side. I often wonder if this is just something built into their personality or it's something that goes deeper, stems from a lack of confidence or they are lacking a certain part of their life constantly striving to get attention. Maybe it's me? Maybe I shouldn't be so shy, maybe I should try and shout louder and get heard more.
You also have the people who flit from friend to friend without hesitation. Like some sort of car deal they trade their old friend in for a newer model when something more exciting comes along and can't help but shout about it. I actually know someone like this, she has been through 5 'best friends' in 10 years. Someone new comes on the scene and she casts off her old friend like a slightly-worn but still stunning outfit that she's thrown in the charity bag.
I wish I could be more assertive on occasion. I certainly don't want to be the centre of attention but I'd like the confidence to be able to stand up and speak my mind sometimes. I wish I could stand up for myself more. I wish I could be heard. Saying that, even though I may not be loud and proud I am respectful and loyal.
I guess I'm just not built for attention. For now I'll live with the quote above hanging around me like a bad smell, I'll be thought a fool but at least I'm a happy fool.
Today is the day that most people return to work after the festive period. I say ‘most’ people but I don’t fall under that category. I’m a ‘stay at home mum’ (SAHM). I never in a million years thought that when I had children I would give up work but I absolutely love it.
I think sometimes more career-minded people, in a rather pitying way that makes me mad, can look down on SAHM’s. This usually happens when they don’t have children themselves. Maybe they think we sit around all day drinking coffee and watching daytime television. Fact of the matter is I don’t. Yes I go on twitter (and now this blog aha!) but it’s done quickly on my phone and usually when I’m waiting for something like the toaster or the microwave or I'm fed up playing with Mega Bloks ;-)
My working friends quite regularly ask me if I ‘miss’ work. I never quite know how to answer that. I wouldn’t say I miss work. I certainly don’t miss the 124 miles of driving every day. I don’t miss getting mad in the car at the idiots who don’t use the lanes on the motorway in the correct way. I don’t miss the Bank Holiday traffic and me getting angry at all the caravan owners sat in the middle lanes or trying to over-take trucks and clogging up my journey home. I don’t miss having disagreements with ‘creative’ bods who haven’t listened to me or read my brief correctly and me running around like an idiot trying to get something else done to present at a meeting. I do however miss my income. At the end of the day that’s what the vast majority of people work for no matter how much they say they ‘love’ their jobs.
I don’t have any desire to return to work in the near future. I left school at 16 and had plans to go to college but I landed myself a job. I was on £35 a week and I loved it. I worked my way up through the company, moving divisions and eventually achieved a manager role within marketing. As the first signs of the recession started to hit about 4 years ago I was made redundant. It hit me hard as the company was like my family; I’d grown up with it. I was lucky enough to be offered a job elsewhere straight away and lucky for me I loved it. Problem was it was 62 miles away from home and I also had to spend time driving up to Cumbria and down to Oxford. Fortunately the pay was good and they paid business AND personal on my company car. Happy days! Fast-forward 2 years and I’m leaving to have a baby…eek!
At that point I was hit with a decision. As it was I started my maternity leave early. I left Christmas Eve when my baby wasn’t due until 16th March! It was mainly my husbands decision as he didn’t want me doing all the driving in the final trimester. I was happy as it gave me time to prepare for having a baby. I think Matt and I both just knew I wouldn’t be going back to work. We’ve had to make some sacrifices but that’s what having children is all about. We’ve never led overly extravagant lifestyles but we have been known to splurge from time-to-time – well now we certainly live a more frugal lifestyle. We’ve had to adapt to this change in our life. I have to say though that sometimes I do struggle not having my own income. I’ve always had a wage. For almost 20 years I worked and bought things for myself - I even bought my first car myself at the age of 18 when most of my friends were getting them as presents.
Anyway, I digress. Sorry. I can see me amending this blog post a few times after publishing it! I’m really happy being a SAHM. I love spending time with my daughter and thankfully I still have contact with adults. I meet regularly with my groups of friends, most without children or children who are 17+ so I get to have conversations other than potty training and tantrums. I also have a few great friends with children of the same age as my daughter. I honestly don’t think I’d have the time to work and do all the things I want to do.
I’m not saying I’ll be a SAHM forever, but for now I think I deserve some time off for good behaviour. Until then I’m savouring each day with my daughter and secretly dreading the day I have to go back to work.
