I'm in a strange place at the moment.
I'm extremely busy, my head is all over the place. After a few rocky weeks, life is beginning to look good.
So why don't I feel good?
I can't help but feel for others.
My heart aches for them. Literally aches.
I'm so busy but I'm finding it so hard to concentrate.
I have some friends that are going through seriously bad times at the moment. Times that you wouldn't wish on anyone. Times that no-one can really begin to understand unless you've been there yourself.
Really bad times.
One of my closest friends is facing a hard time. Her and her husband are the one of the nicest couples you could meet and her husband is great. Always willing to help anyone. A grafter.
A real grafter.
He's hands on with everything and, if you were going to describe him, he'd be the definition of 'diamond geezer'.
He's someone you want as your friend.
Anyway, they are on the verge of having everything they've worked so hard for taken away through no fault of their own.
It makes me feel mad.
It also makes me feel guilty.
I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. Little pangs of guilt that everything is going so well for us while their world is being turned upside-down. It's just not fair.
I try to tell myself that everything is happening to us because we've worked hard for it. I like to think that Matt and I are good people. We are always there for our family and friends if they need us. We see our family and friends regularly. We both give monthly donations to charity and have done for years. I volunteer (although I am taking a small break at the moment but still doing bits from home) in my local Save The Children shop one day a week. We aren't religious but we lead honest and decent lives. In a nutshell...we do our bit.
But my friends work hard too.
They are good people too.
So why is this happening to them?
At the moment I can't make sense of the world. There doesn't seem to be any justice. News this year from a range of friends has just been awful. I look around at all the pain and sadness and I feel really angry.
There's that word again. Guilt.
Why am I feeling like this?
I should be happy.
But I'm not.
As I say, I'm in a strange place at the moment.