In A Strange Place

I'm in a strange place at the moment.

I'm extremely busy, my head is all over the place. After a few rocky weeks, life is beginning to look good.

Really good.

So why don't I feel good?

I can't help but feel for others.

My heart aches for them. Literally aches.

I'm so busy but I'm finding it so hard to concentrate.

I have some friends that are going through seriously bad times at the moment. Times that you wouldn't wish on anyone. Times that no-one can really begin to understand unless you've been there yourself.

Really bad times.

One of my closest friends is facing a hard time. Her and her husband are the one of the nicest couples you could meet and her husband is great. Always willing to help anyone. A grafter.

A real grafter.

He's hands on with everything and, if you were going to describe him, he'd be the definition of 'diamond geezer'.

He's someone you want as your friend.

Anyway, they are on the verge of having everything they've worked so hard for taken away through no fault of their own.

It makes me feel mad.

It also makes me feel guilty.

I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. Little pangs of guilt that everything is going so well for us while their world is being turned upside-down. It's just not fair.

I try to tell myself that everything is happening to us because we've worked hard for it. I like to think that Matt and I are good people. We are always there for our family and friends if they need us. We see our family and friends regularly. We both give monthly donations to charity and have done for years. I volunteer (although I am taking a small break at the moment but still doing bits from home) in my local Save The Children shop one day a week. We aren't religious but we lead honest and decent lives. In a nutshell...we do our bit.

But my friends work hard too.

They are good people too.

So why is this happening to them?

At the moment I can't make sense of the world. There doesn't seem to be any justice. News this year from a range of friends has just been awful. I look around at all the pain and sadness and I feel really angry.

And guilty.

There's that word again. Guilt.

Why am I feeling like this?

I should be happy.

But I'm not.

As I say, I'm in a strange place at the moment.

Move Over Linda Blair

This evening I lost my sweet little girl for a while.

Sure, she's had the odd tantrum before (thankfully they are mild and few and far between) but tonight's performance was spectacular. If there was an Olympic medal for tantrums she would have won gold 100 times over.

Matt and I seriously thought that she was possessed at one point. I was totally waiting for her head to spin 360 degrees like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. Yes, it was that bad.

So, what sparked this defiant outburst?

She didn't want to wear her pink shoes.

Obviously.

Yes, she went into total melt down because she wouldn't wear her pink shoes. Madam had decided that because her outfit didn't have any pink in it that she couldn't wear her pink shoes. I don't think Gok Wan himself could've convinced the forceful fashionista to be persuaded otherwise.

There was screaming.
There was crying.
There was dribbling.
There was kicking.
There was hitting.
There was feet stamping.
There was spitting.
There was shoe throwing.

I've never seen anything like it from her before.

The full force of it probably lasted a good half an hour. She even needed a wee half way through, took herself to the toilet and continued the tantrum whilst sat on the throne. Her knickers were thrown across the downstairs toilet as she kicked and screamed in a voice that I imagine the devil himself would be proud of.

So, what did I do?

I did what every good Mummy should do of course.

I secretly videoed her*

Hey, don't judge me...I need some good fodder for her 18th Birthday.

Let's hope we don't see Linda again soon

* I did consider blogging the video but I'm really not that cruel. If you want a copy, drop me an email ;-)

Sleep Envy

It's not until you become a mother that you really understand and appreciate the power of a good sleep in helping the human body work.

Sleep deprivation sucks.

Big time.

I remember the lack of sleep induced haze of those early days, weeks and months with Mini Cheddar.
She didn't start sleeping through properly until I stopped breast-feeding her at 6 months and even then it could be a bit hit and miss due to the dreaded teething.

When she was 5 months old someone really upset me. I remember her, a mother of a 2, saying to me with a look of half horror/half smugness "She's not sleeping through yet? Both of mine slept through at 8 weeks old!".

Photo credit: graur codrin

Well, whoop-de-bloody-do for you! Thanks for going out of your way to tell me that, no seriously, I really appreciate it. That's what my best sarcastic voice was screaming inside along with thoughts of stamping on her toes!

Obviously I didn't. I just smiled sweetly and mumbled something like "well, they are all different aren't they".  I didn't sleep that night.  This time it wasn't Mini Cheddar's fault either. The comment had wound me up.

Why do others feel the need to compare their sleeping angels to the sleep devil you've been blessed with?  Why do they feel the need to tell you exactly how 'Little Johnnie' sleeps through every single night without so much as a peep and emphasise how amazed they are that yours don't?  I'm sure she didn't mean any harm.  I'm sure she was just trying to be 'helpful' but at the time, comments like that are anything but.

Every now and again (thankfully very rarely now) we have a spell when Mini Cheddar has a small block of disturbed nights, usually when she's ill. It ruins us. We had one the other week and it made for a hellish day the day after.  My heart goes out to anyone who's little one doesn't sleep through, it really does.

In addition to this I happened to marry a man who's a bit of a sleep-o-holic. He can say he's not tired (usually waking me up in the process) and then within a couple of minutes he's fast asleep. Maybe it's a man thing? Maybe us women are wired differently?

I'm usually trying to get to sleep whilst thinking about any number of stupid, unimportant things.  I just can't seem to switch my brain off at night anymore. So, if my husband is really tired, he will snore a bit.

Cue me getting REALLY irate!

I don't swear but put me in a situation when I'm tired and someone else is sleeping soundly then the air turns a tad blue.

"STOP F'IN SNORING"...normally coupled with a wild waft of the duvet and a full-on stamping stonk into the bathroom just to make sure I've woken him up properly.

Sleep envy really can make even the relatively calmest of people turn into a monster.

I know.  I am that monster.