Pushing My Buttons

Photo credit: m_bartosch

This isn't really me.  I try to avoid blogging about the really bad stuff, even though I have blogged about cancer before.  However, sometimes I need to vent.  Sometimes I just need an outlet to let off steam...call it cheap therapy if you will.

There is someone in my life who has the ability to push my buttons.

Unfortunately they are the wrong buttons.  These are the buttons that send my anxiety levels to maximum overload and cause a feeling inside me that I can't describe.  It's been happening for a while now and there is little I can do for respite.

I don't know what I can to do to appease the situation.  It's the only real area of my life that I can't control, the only area that I wish to sort so I can feel happier...but I can't. It's awkward.

I'm an extremely easygoing person, I like to think of myself as loyal and friendly and I would hope that those who know me would describe me as exactly that. I have the sort of personality though that appears to let this person wind me up. I tolerate things for an easy life but if the pushing and prodding goes on for much longer I'll be tipped over the edge and explode.

At the moment I'm dangerously close to the edge.

Today was pretty awful. Matt and I had suffered one of the worst nights sleep ever (or should I say lack of) due to Mini Cheddar coughing relentlessly. It would have to happen the night before I'm due to do my volunteer work the next day but c'est la vie (and no it's not someone in the shop, they are all lovely).  We are talking a night with an absolute maximum of 3 hours sleep and broken sleep at that.  A night when you feel sick you're that exhausted. So today wasn't a day I need to be antagonised but I was.

Sometimes I think that being pushed entirely over the edge is the only way to 'clear the air', the only way to gain some sort of balance in my life but I'm scared.  I'm scared of the consequences of what would happen if I'm caught on a wrong day. I'm scared that more than 2 and half years of being hurt and wound up will come pouring out of me in a tirade of feelings I've kept bottled up.

I've gone this long and not bitten though so maybe I can hold out some more.

However, it's inevitable that one day I'll erupt and this is one ash cloud you won't want to be in the vicinity of.