I'll Be There For You

Before I had Mini Cheddar I pretty much just got on with my life.

Sure I was worried very occasionally about accidents, illness and the like but no more so than everyone else.

When I became a mother, just over 3 years ago, I experienced a massive change in how I looked at things and how I felt.

I was a mother. A mum. A mummy.

My primary job in the new role was to protect my child and be there for her...always.

I began to have feelings that made me slightly nervous and uncomfortable. Feelings that something bad was going to happen. To her. To my husband. To me. To all of us.

These feelings would vary in intensity. They weren't just dreams or nightmares, they were thoughts in my day to day life. Thoughts that were quite powerful sometimes.

For instance, I'd get het up if Matt was on long car journeys, worried that he wouldn't make it safely home to us. I'd actually even visualise policemen turning up on my doorstep..."Mrs Lucas?....I'm afraid we have some bad news". If I felt any pain or felt unwell I'd worry that it was something more serious and I wouldn't make it to see my daughter grow up. Even if I carried MC across the landing I'd have visions of me tripping and dropping her over the bannister. So I'd clutch her so tight and walk nearer the wall.

I started to think I was silly having these thoughts. Until I spoke to a few other mums and realised that it was perfectly natural.

When we become mothers it's as if someone flicks a switch on that makes us have these overly sensitive and protective feelings for our offspring. Perhaps it's a hormonal change. Maybe it's more powerful in some people than others. I really don't know. I don't have the answers.

Anyway, somewhere along the lines I became less anxious. The thoughts were there but they gradually dwindled away as MC grew older and I began to feel more comfortable. I still had worries but they were less intense. Less scary. Less frequent.

What a great day for an ultrasound!

Now I've had another baby the thoughts have returned. Albeit less often and less dramatic but it's brought it all back to me how I felt after the birth of MC.

I have been having a few problems recently which couldn't be diagnosed properly by my GP so he referred me for an ultrasound. I went to the hospital on Friday but kept it quiet from family and friends. All has come back clear but for those 2 weeks whilst I waited for my appointment, although I knew deep down that everything was alright, there was this tiny niggling doubt in my mind that something bad was going to come of it.

It's really made me realise that I need to take better care of myself so I can do my best to ensure I'm there for my two children for as long as I can be.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. It's been one of 'those' posts that has been lingering in drafts for a long time now. I'm guessing I just wanted to assure any other mums who have experienced or are experiencing these feeling that they are certainly not alone.

Pregnancy Patter - 34 Weeks And Fighting Bad Feelings

I'm quite up and down at the moment.

Some days I'm fairly full of life and positive but there's something eating away at me which has been since 1st August when I first found out I was pregnant. This has only been fed more by some devastating news I found out on Thursday just gone.

Our neighbours who were expecting a baby a mere 7 weeks after our baby is due have recently lost their little bundle. I don't know the full details, I'm not sure I want to (as awful as that sounds) but they had to go through the birth knowing the outcome - their baby had died.

I can't begin to imagine the pain they must be feeling and they are constantly on my mind. We were only at their wedding in the early summer. It's just heartbreaking.

I know it happens. Only in 2010, my friends Sister lost her baby at 36 weeks. That was a complete shock to the system. I'm not stupid, I know so many pregnancies end in miscarriage but when it's so close to home it feels more 'real' if that makes sense.

The thing is, all along in this pregnancy I've been so much more nervous, so much more aware of the possibility of things going wrong. I can't quite put my finger on it but I think it's due to a number of things.  The miscarriages I hear about, whether in 'real life', in the news or through blogs I read. The fact having given birth to a beautiful daughter I am more aware of what I stand to lose if something goes wrong. The worry that I can't possibly be blessed with two happy, healthy and beautiful children. I just can't shake this bad feeling.

All these thoughts have been spinning around in my head for a long while now but the news last Thursday really brought them all up to the surface once and for all. I've shed a few tears and I try to keep busy to keep my mind away from bad thoughts but it's so hard. I've said before how active this baby is so when I don't feel any movement for a while I start to panic and it causes me really restless nights. So I'm either kept awake by the baby constantly kicking me in the ribs or I'm kept awake with worry about lack of movement. I can't win.

I feel drained.

I feel nervous.

I keep telling myself I'm silly to dwell on things so much but pregnancy emotions really don't help.

It's also not helped by the fact that Matt is flying to the U.S. on Friday and he won't be back until the following Tuesday. This is the longest he's been away, plus he's never been away over a weekend before...let alone over 3,500 miles away! He has to go as it's a job interview and a superb opportunity - I've told him to go - but I'm nervous. I'll be 35 weeks and I'm just hoping I don't go into premature labour. I need him here. I want him here. He has to be here.

I'm guessing what will be, will be though and no amount of worrying is going to help me - or the baby.

I have the appointment with my consultant tomorrow which should determine the choice of birth. I'll let you know how that goes in my next update.

I'm sorry this is a depressing post, I just needed to get it all out - having a blog is great therapy sometimes.

Pushing My Buttons

Photo credit: m_bartosch

This isn't really me.  I try to avoid blogging about the really bad stuff, even though I have blogged about cancer before.  However, sometimes I need to vent.  Sometimes I just need an outlet to let off steam...call it cheap therapy if you will.

There is someone in my life who has the ability to push my buttons.

Unfortunately they are the wrong buttons.  These are the buttons that send my anxiety levels to maximum overload and cause a feeling inside me that I can't describe.  It's been happening for a while now and there is little I can do for respite.

I don't know what I can to do to appease the situation.  It's the only real area of my life that I can't control, the only area that I wish to sort so I can feel happier...but I can't. It's awkward.

I'm an extremely easygoing person, I like to think of myself as loyal and friendly and I would hope that those who know me would describe me as exactly that. I have the sort of personality though that appears to let this person wind me up. I tolerate things for an easy life but if the pushing and prodding goes on for much longer I'll be tipped over the edge and explode.

At the moment I'm dangerously close to the edge.

Today was pretty awful. Matt and I had suffered one of the worst nights sleep ever (or should I say lack of) due to Mini Cheddar coughing relentlessly. It would have to happen the night before I'm due to do my volunteer work the next day but c'est la vie (and no it's not someone in the shop, they are all lovely).  We are talking a night with an absolute maximum of 3 hours sleep and broken sleep at that.  A night when you feel sick you're that exhausted. So today wasn't a day I need to be antagonised but I was.

Sometimes I think that being pushed entirely over the edge is the only way to 'clear the air', the only way to gain some sort of balance in my life but I'm scared.  I'm scared of the consequences of what would happen if I'm caught on a wrong day. I'm scared that more than 2 and half years of being hurt and wound up will come pouring out of me in a tirade of feelings I've kept bottled up.

I've gone this long and not bitten though so maybe I can hold out some more.

However, it's inevitable that one day I'll erupt and this is one ash cloud you won't want to be in the vicinity of.