Sure I was worried very occasionally about accidents, illness and the like but no more so than everyone else.
When I became a mother, just over 3 years ago, I experienced a massive change in how I looked at things and how I felt.
I was a mother. A mum. A mummy.
My primary job in the new role was to protect my child and be there for her...always.
I began to have feelings that made me slightly nervous and uncomfortable. Feelings that something bad was going to happen. To her. To my husband. To me. To all of us.
These feelings would vary in intensity. They weren't just dreams or nightmares, they were thoughts in my day to day life. Thoughts that were quite powerful sometimes.
For instance, I'd get het up if Matt was on long car journeys, worried that he wouldn't make it safely home to us. I'd actually even visualise policemen turning up on my doorstep..."Mrs Lucas?....I'm afraid we have some bad news". If I felt any pain or felt unwell I'd worry that it was something more serious and I wouldn't make it to see my daughter grow up. Even if I carried MC across the landing I'd have visions of me tripping and dropping her over the bannister. So I'd clutch her so tight and walk nearer the wall.
I started to think I was silly having these thoughts. Until I spoke to a few other mums and realised that it was perfectly natural.
When we become mothers it's as if someone flicks a switch on that makes us have these overly sensitive and protective feelings for our offspring. Perhaps it's a hormonal change. Maybe it's more powerful in some people than others. I really don't know. I don't have the answers.
Anyway, somewhere along the lines I became less anxious. The thoughts were there but they gradually dwindled away as MC grew older and I began to feel more comfortable. I still had worries but they were less intense. Less scary. Less frequent.
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| What a great day for an ultrasound! |
I have been having a few problems recently which couldn't be diagnosed properly by my GP so he referred me for an ultrasound. I went to the hospital on Friday but kept it quiet from family and friends. All has come back clear but for those 2 weeks whilst I waited for my appointment, although I knew deep down that everything was alright, there was this tiny niggling doubt in my mind that something bad was going to come of it.
It's really made me realise that I need to take better care of myself so I can do my best to ensure I'm there for my two children for as long as I can be.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. It's been one of 'those' posts that has been lingering in drafts for a long time now. I'm guessing I just wanted to assure any other mums who have experienced or are experiencing these feeling that they are certainly not alone.
