Tuesday, 3 July 2012

I'm Keeping My Big Mouth Shut In Future

I expect there are quite a few mums that hate me at the moment.

I have a 14 week old baby who will sleep 9-10 hours straight at night. He will have a quick feed, doesn't need changing most nights and goes straight back off.

It's bliss. I'm sorry.

However, I am not going to be smug. I'm going to just be prepared for the unexpected in future.

Yes, I'm just going to keep my big mouth shut!

As I turned off the bedside lamp last night I said to Matt, "You know what, I can't remember the last time he did under 7 hours straight".

I should have known as soon as those words fell from my lips that I was asking for trouble.

It's like when I have said "He hasn't cried at all today" and 5 minutes later he starts hollering just as we all sit down for dinner.

It's also like when I've said "He had quite a windy feed and burped loudly but wasn't sick" just as he vomits at the feet of people queuing up for their Sunday carvery in a pub.

Yup, last night he did 5 and a half hours.

Now, before any sleep deprived mums start throwing their laptops, tablets or phones across the room in anger because their little people only manage 2 or 3 hours, let me explain...

I've had a baby like that. Mini Cheddar didn't sleep through until she was much older. I've felt the sheer awfulness of utter sleep deprivation. So, this time I'm making the most of having a 'sleeper'.

That was until last night.

He woke up in some discomfort just before 2.30am. I decided to wind him but to no avail. By this time he seemed frantic for food so I latched him on. He fed very calmly and seemed extremely content. It was all a ruse. A secret baby plan to lull me into a false sense of sleepy security - like Stewie from Family Guy secretly plotting his next move. I, meanwhile, happily played on Draw Something (so shoot me) and emailed a friend.

He fed for a long time - a lot longer than usual. Then I felt an eruption in the nappy area.

The cause of the discomfort had finally reared it's head (or should I say bottom?)...or so I thought.

When he'd finished his feed I took him into the nursery and placed a very sleepy man onto the change table. As I opened his nappy I thought I noticed something on his 'little man'. Now, mums of boys will know the telltale sign that your man is about to pee by the column in question standing to attention.

No, it was all clear.

I moved in for a closer inspection just to check everything was okay (it was).

Just then it erupted. Yup, the good old urine fountain.

In a moment of sleep deprived panic I ducked and pushed him gently to his side away from me instead of grabbing a tissue to cover up the little offender.

The wee hit the nursery wall and ran down the back of the change table. It also covered his sleep suit.

Just as the realisation of what had happened hit me I heard a loud noise. I peered over the edge of the change table to see what I can only describe as a 'yellowy river' which was, as it felt like at the time, the size of the Amazon, run from his rear end soaking the towel he was lying on. It was a pooptastrophe of korma calamity proportions again.


By this point I think I'd been awake with him 2 hours. I could hear the birds starting to sing the dawn chorus - those chirpy happy buggers...I've never wanted a shotgun so much before!

I started to tackle his tackle, mopping up the pee and poo, whilst cursing under my breath at my husband who was snoring in the bedroom across the landing, completely oblivious to the crappy carnage that I was dealing with!

Just then, Tiny Ched opened his eyes and gave me the biggest gummiest grin ever.

My heart melted.

Then he puked all over himself.

Moral of the story. Just shut the hell up.

Don't let this pose lull you into a false sense of security


LauraCYMFT said...

Oh dear! I had a similar explosion with Miss C when I changed her. She was only a week old. She showed her skill for multi-tasking very early on by managing to pee and poo at the same time whilst her nappy was off. Not only that she pumped which made the poo explode all over the place and blew the pee in my direction. To top it all off she was sick all over herself. This was in the middle of the day so not as bad as the middle of the night! I hope you get some sleep tonight!

grumpinator said...

JC was an awful sleeper, he only slept 2 hours at a time until he was 6 months and when he was awake he was crying. I hope I am lucky next time round but I suppose at least I managed through it, I know I can do it! There's nothing worse than trying to deal with a river of poo in the middle of the night though, that's the pits! 

PhotoPuddle said...

It's so true isn't it! This morning I smuggly thought to myself that I never get weed on by my little boy when I am changing him. You can imagine exactly what happened approximately 5 seconds later!

Candi said...

My son's first wee fountain was saved for the consultant as his  week check up!  I was mortified.  And while I had broken nights for years and years between the three of them, I got very efficient at feeding/changing or whatever very quickly, and I never had any problem getting back to sleep :)  Hope you don't get to hear the dawn chorus again for a long time xx 

Notmyyearoff said...

Z is an awful sleeper! When he eventually does sleep through I'll be shouting it from the rooftops. I hope a second will be a good sleeper!! :) mind you, one evening I was so fed up I had a massive whinge and that night he slept through!

Dear Beautiful Boy said...

Well that sounds like a fun night!! Or not. I tend to get a bit hysterical in situations like this and think, if only my friends could see me now they'd laugh so hard. It's kind of laugh or cry at times like that.
And I know that feeling of keeping your mouth shut about sleeping babies. I think people really want to hear that you are having a tough time. My little man was going twelve hours from 9 weeks and I learned very quickly to keep my mouth shut and play it down.
But lucky you that he's a good sleeper. Makes life so much easier when you aren't exhausted. But so much harder of they suddenly go back to waking up when live got used to sleeping.

Mari said...

Oh dear! You know the further I move away from tiny babies the stronger my decision NEVER to go back! And I loved my twins as babies.
Poor you I do feel for you, hope your drawing was good anyway ;)

HELEN said...

Oh dear *sniggers*. I remember once when a newborn Jack was on the changing table & as I lifted his legs up to slide his nappy under he shot poo out with such a force but thankfully I managed to dodge most of the poo bullet ....Hanna thought it was hilarious! I hope you had a better night last night! x

Northernmum said...

Oh dear! But he does look adorable! Xxx

Mummysknee said...

Oh dear, hope you managed to catch up on your sleep! What a shame, for both of you. That happens to me, as soon as I tell someone something like, he's a really quiet baby, cue screaming baby. It's to stop us boasting ;-)

Honest Mum said...

Hahah-fab post-how old was Ched when she slept through? We are currently struggling with a 2 and a half year old and with a new baby on the way, I'm starting to panic!!! 

Bobbity666 said...

Great post... and one that rings true for so many of us lucky Mums with babies that slept until we realised they did and mentioned it of course! xx

SAHMlovingit said...

I can't actually remember V. I know she didn't start sleeping at any great length until she was about 6 months old. She used to have a dummy at night so most nights where spent doing the 'dummy run' across the landing :(  I would say she was about 18 months / 2 years old when she started sleeping through continuously. 

Does O wake up properly at night and struggle to go back off or does he just stir a bit and then go back off quickly? Is he in a cotbed or big bed? 


SAHMlovingit said...

Oh yes, we've have the projectile poo before now. It was a few weeks back - it splattered right across the carpet. His poo always goes green when I eat chocolate so we had a green coloured carpet..thankfully it came out! x

SAHMlovingit said...

Pahahaha...sorry I shouldn't laugh but...pahahaha ;)

HELEN said...

eeeeeewwww, glad we went for laminate in the kids bedrooms! x

bod for tea said...

Eeeek! You're so right, don't tempt fate - he's vindictive!! Hope he's sleeping better x

One Mother's Notes said...

I would say it serves you right for having a perfect sleeper BUT as you've already done your fair share of night waking with your first daughter i'll say that I feel sorry for you instead (whilst laughing at the hilarity of the situation). My LO is 11 months and still doesn't sleep well so in well wishing you i'm hoping karma won't bite me on the bum the second time around. Hope you've managed to get over the trauma and catch up on those zzzzzeds.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...