Some days I'm fairly full of life and positive but there's something eating away at me which has been since 1st August when I first found out I was pregnant. This has only been fed more by some devastating news I found out on Thursday just gone.
Our neighbours who were expecting a baby a mere 7 weeks after our baby is due have recently lost their little bundle. I don't know the full details, I'm not sure I want to (as awful as that sounds) but they had to go through the birth knowing the outcome - their baby had died.
I can't begin to imagine the pain they must be feeling and they are constantly on my mind. We were only at their wedding in the early summer. It's just heartbreaking.
I know it happens. Only in 2010, my friends Sister lost her baby at 36 weeks. That was a complete shock to the system. I'm not stupid, I know so many pregnancies end in miscarriage but when it's so close to home it feels more 'real' if that makes sense.
The thing is, all along in this pregnancy I've been so much more nervous, so much more aware of the possibility of things going wrong. I can't quite put my finger on it but I think it's due to a number of things. The miscarriages I hear about, whether in 'real life', in the news or through blogs I read. The fact having given birth to a beautiful daughter I am more aware of what I stand to lose if something goes wrong. The worry that I can't possibly be blessed with two happy, healthy and beautiful children. I just can't shake this bad feeling.
All these thoughts have been spinning around in my head for a long while now but the news last Thursday really brought them all up to the surface once and for all. I've shed a few tears and I try to keep busy to keep my mind away from bad thoughts but it's so hard. I've said before how active this baby is so when I don't feel any movement for a while I start to panic and it causes me really restless nights. So I'm either kept awake by the baby constantly kicking me in the ribs or I'm kept awake with worry about lack of movement. I can't win.
I feel drained.
I feel nervous.
I keep telling myself I'm silly to dwell on things so much but pregnancy emotions really don't help.
It's also not helped by the fact that Matt is flying to the U.S. on Friday and he won't be back until the following Tuesday. This is the longest he's been away, plus he's never been away over a weekend before...let alone over 3,500 miles away! He has to go as it's a job interview and a superb opportunity - I've told him to go - but I'm nervous. I'll be 35 weeks and I'm just hoping I don't go into premature labour. I need him here. I want him here. He has to be here.
I'm guessing what will be, will be though and no amount of worrying is going to help me - or the baby.
I have the appointment with my consultant tomorrow which should determine the choice of birth. I'll let you know how that goes in my next update.
I'm sorry this is a depressing post, I just needed to get it all out - having a blog is great therapy sometimes.