#MeAndMine - A Family Portrait (February 2014)

Confession time!

You know what I'm going to say, right?

Yes. I took this photo yesterday.

On my phone.

A 'selfie'.

I know.

Epic fail!

Although I do have good reason. After the trouble we've been having with MC lately I had decided that this week (it's half term here) I was going to spoil her. I had each day planned out pretty much. Even including a day when I was just going to go out with her, have lunch, let her choose a new outfit and take her to the cinema to see the new Tinkerbell movie. A real girly day.

It all went out the window.

Matt and I were at a wedding on Saturday and MC became really poorly Saturday evening whilst staying with my parents. She didn't get any better and Monday she was even worse so her half term started with a trip to the doctors. A viral stomach bug coupled with a chest infection (needing antibiotics) which was seeing her cough uncontrollably and being so sick at the same time. I knew she was seriously poorly when she just wanted to stay in her bed in a darkened room. With the antibiotics and some TLC, I'm happy to report she's feeling much better (can't you just tell by the photo!) as of yesterday. But our half term plans have been snatched away from us and that makes me sad for my little girl.

She deserved a special time.

However, I've savoured the extra cuddles and downtime with her - I haven't savoured the sleepless nights but I've dealt with them as they are part and parcel of being a parent.

This week Matt has been working from home all week. It's been such a relief to have him here but I had planned for us all to have a couple of hours out together, as a family of four, one day. THAT was when I wanted to capture our Me and Mine photograph.

It wasn't meant to be.

As this post goes live I'll be preparing to travel to Kent with Susanne and Lisa where we'll be staying overnight. We are all attending Matilda Mae Remembers on Saturday morning.

As much as this week has been tough, I've stayed positive because I know just how lucky I am.

Which Way To Turn?

Right now I really don't know which way to turn.

I'm struggling a little.

I know this blog post will turn into a rambling mess but I need a 'thought dump'. I apologise in advance if it doesn't make sense.

Life seems to be going at 100 miles an hour but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere or doing anything fulfilling. Maybe this is what being a stay-at-home-mum is like at its worst?

Maybe I'm not exactly 'loving it' at the moment.

Regular readers will notice large gaps in my posts over the past couple of months.

I spent most of September and the first part of October (yes, my food poisoning/stomach thing had a relapse) being really ill and it knocked me for six. To be perfectly honest, since then it's really made me think about things. I was that poorly that Matt (and I, if I'm honest) was really worried. It scared us. It made us both realise just how fragile life can be. Those times at the hospital when I was in agony and Matt felt so helpless were awful.

This morning I took TC to a soft-play centre. I needed to get out somewhere. Anywhere that wasn't shopping. I was going to meet up with the lovely Sarah who lives just down the road but she's poorly. It's a good job in a way as Sarah probably wouldn't have known what to do with me.

The song Firework by Katy Perry came on whilst I was there.

I welled up.

Then the tears became sobs.

Luckily there were only a couple of people in there and I was sat in a corner so was able to get away with it.

That song makes me think of Multiple Mummy and Matilda Mae.

It's funny but doing that in public made me realise something.

I'm feeling quite low.

Christmas is coming and everyone is getting excited.

I should be getting excited but deep down I'm not.

Yes, I am struggling.

Struggling to make sense of such a cruel world. Struggling to make sense of everything. Struggling not to be torn apart knowing that friends are suffering.

I want to make this Christmas so special for my family. It's our first Christmas in our lovely new home. We are having the whole of downstairs decorated and there is lovely colour everywhere. TC is more aware of everything this year. MC is beside herself with excitement and she's top of her class in school too. We have so much to look forward to but I just can't shake this feeling I have.

I'm also feeling like a failure. Everywhere I turn on social media I see posts and photos of lovingly home-cooked meals. I see photos of amazing crafts, brilliant messy-play, amazing days out and lots of fun and happiness.

I know most people only post the good stuff but I wonder how these people have the time to do the things that they do? I sometimes feel like my kids are living on pasta and fish fingers most of the time and we don't get out and about enough.

I know my kids are happy and loved and that's what counts but I still feel like I'm letting them down.

I'm also trying to decide what to do about my blog.

I have seriously 'lost that blogging feeling'.

I started this blog to document my life as a stay-at-home-mum and to give myself and my children memories. I've let us all down. Somedays I feel like quitting but blogging has brought me so much. It's brought me unbelievable amounts of love and support. More importantly, it's brought some amazing friends into my life.

At the moment though I don't see how I can fit blogging in. I am desperately trying to spend time with TC. He's growing up so quickly and I don't want him to grow up. Knowing he's my last baby pulls at my heart a little. My days are filled with spending time with my children. When MC's at school and TC has his afternoon nap I'm sorting washing or tidying the house. When the kids go to bed I want to spend time with Matt. We get so little time together on our own that our evenings (when he's not away with work) are so precious. I love my husband so much and the evenings are our time. I don't see how social media is going to fit in?

At the time this post goes live I have 182 un-read emails in my inbox because I really can't face going through them and the more I ignore them, the more they build up.

Anyway, I think I'm my own worst enemy.

When I'm feeling like this I cut myself off. I shy away from social media and I stay in the house a lot.

It doesn't do me any good.

Thankfully I have mainly good days but I also have a few bad days.

Luckily I recognise the signs.

I need a plan.

I need to know what I'm doing and where I'm going or I have a feeling I'll lose myself (and my blog) along the way. I need to shake off this doom and gloom feeling. This feeling that something really bad is going to happen to me or my family.

I need to feel happy all the time again.

I need to know which way to turn.

Watch this space...

Baking - What Mary Berry Doesn't Tell You

As this post goes live, millions of wannabe bakers across the U.K. will be sat watching The Great British Bake Off. Me included!

Source

Baking.

A simple word.

Eggs.

A simple food.

Simple and nutritious - packed with protein and minerals.

Eggs.

They now scare me a little.

You see, eggs have taken a whole week from my life. Well, if I'm being honest, food poisoning has taken a whole week from my life.

Food poisoning is the worst thing ever.

I can honestly say that I've never felt so ill in my entire life. Apart from maybe mastitis but I was over the worst of that in a couple of days tops. No, food poisoning, wiped me out to my bed for a whole week.

At first I thought it was caused by a takeaway curry I'd eaten that night, but no.

The innocent act of baking resulted in 6 days in bed, two phone calls from doctors, two trips to the doctor, a hospital visit at 1am, 2 injections in my ass and 5 days without any food at all.

I was also off social media.

*plays highly dramatic music*

Yes! It was that serious!

*shocked face*

It may sound overly dramatic but those who saw me at my worst (only Matt, my Sister and my parents) will know how bad I actually was. I was weak and teary. A wreck. In agony. Unable to eat, unable to get up but unable to sleep or do anything.

Yes, 6 days in bed.

Any mother will know this is serious. Us mums don't get ill. If we have flu we soldier on, we fight through it when all men fall to their beds complaining they're dying. "Even my finger nails ache!" they cry whilst we mutter under our breath, juggling 10 or more tasks.

Nope, this wiped me out good and proper.

So, what happened? Did I eat a dodgy egg?

No.

Did I eat raw egg? (I know you're all reading this thinking I licked the spoon whilst baking...how rude!).

No.

To be perfectly honest, I'm quite careful with eggs. I always wash my hands after breaking them and I never ever lick any cake batter if it contains raw eggs (I know, I'm so restrained!).

Just a short walk up the road from where we now live there's a great local farm shop selling a vast amount of fresh produce. It's lovely. I used to drive there from where we used to live to get fresh produce but now I'm lucky enough to live so close.

Friday 13th (how apt!) was the day before I became ill and I'd been busy as it was Matt's birthday on the 12th. I decided to bake him a sponge cake as he'd been away with work for his actual birthday and we also had his parents arriving the day after.

I got the freshly laid eggs from the farm shop and cracked them into the bowl.

I washed my hands.

I returned to the bowl to mix the cake batter.

Nothing wrong there you may say.

I'd cracked them into the bowl. That was my mistake.

The eggs were freshly laid. You know the sort? Straight out of the chickens backside, freshly covered in lovely chicken poop.

Even though I'd washed my hands I then returned back to the bowl to mix and grabbed the edge of the bowl.

That's it.

That's all it took to poison me.

Obviously my hands must have gone into my mouth at some point after that and the deed was done. Less than 36 hours later I was in utter agony.

Sadly, I'm old enough to remember old Eggwina Currie causing outrage in the late 80's. Since then I've always been well aware of how to handle eggs but obviously not enough. I guess I just never thought it would happen to me.

Over the past couple of days, since my recovery, I've heard from people who have also been told that you should always wash your eggs before use (but they never do) and people who lick the batter (naughty naughty).

I've had a couple of interesting conversations with our local environmental health officer and he said this type of food poisoning is common with bakers. Obviously the cake is fine but often the person who baked it becomes seriously ill from handling contaminated eggs. So all you budding Mary Berry's and Paul Hollywood's, take heed!

There you have it.

I wanted to blog about this to warn people to be more careful with eggs. Apparently if you're using 'fresh from the arse of a chicken eggs' then wash them first and break them with a knife or into a separate cup that can be washed straight away. There's something old Mary Berry doesn't tell you on the TV.

I wouldn't wish food poisoning on my worst enemy.

Serves me right for trying to be the domestic goddess I'm so very clearly not.

*runs off to buy shop bought cake*

Things Can Only Get Better

I almost didn't post a Silent Sunday picture last week.

Why?

Because the picture I posted didn't sum up my week at all. That picture says I had a lovely week enjoying the sunshine with my daughter when, in reality, this wasn't the case.

However, I didn't have a picture of sick, snot, phlegm, coughing, crying, tantrums, house looking like it had been burgled and me looking like I'd been dragged through a hedge backwards.

That was my week...and that was the week before too.

The serene picture you see of MC was taken on Saturday afternoon on a meet up with the inlaws. I can assure you the scene off camera wasn't the same but I'll blog about that another day.

I shouldn't be moaning.

I know so many people who have a tough time constantly. People with really poorly children, people with children with special needs and others. I know I'm lucky. I have two (usually) healthy kids, a nice house, a fantastic husband and so on.

Yes, I have a lot to be thankful for.

I'm the first to admit that.

However, things just got on top of me.

Even though TC is an amazing sleeper for someone who only turned 2 months old on Monday it has been MC who had been keeping us awake.

Last week we ended up at the local hospital with her at 10.30pm one night as she was that bad with her coughing.

I have to admit, whilst she was ill I crumbled. Lack of sleep and her constant demands because of how poorly she was got to me.

Since I had TC I've been quite strong - only having a touch of baby blues on day 5 after the birth. Last week I think it all caught up with me.

I fell behind with my freelance work and I started to panic.

I felt like I was sinking.

The sun was shining and I couldn't get out in it because of the kids. Everyone seemed to be out and about and I was stuck in feeling pretty miserable.

I neglected my blog, I neglected my blogging friends, I neglected my work, I neglected the housework, I neglected my friends.

More importantly I neglected ME.

I think as mother's we always put our families above everything else but if we aren't functioning properly then our families actually suffer more.

This week both kids are fit and healthy (although MC is still coughing at night a bit), I've managed to catch up a little with my freelance work, I have plans to catch up with friends and I've taken a few hours out to go and get my hair done and sit out in the sun a little.

This week is like night and day compared to last.

So next time I feel like I'm sinking I'm going to make sure I try and get some time to myself and remember that things can only get better.

Taken 30th May 2012

Pregnancy Patter - 38 Weeks And About To Lose My Foof!

I can't believe the end is almost here. It's the home run now and it can't come quick enough.

I've been suffering the past week or so with sickness, dizziness, tightenings and pressure 'down below'. I actually said to Matt the other day "It feels like my foof is going to fall out!" He just looked at me confused and slightly disgusted. Men!

It only seems like yesterday I was sat in Tesco cafe crying (with happiness) after founding out we were expecting a baby again and here I am 34 weeks later about to bring another baby into the world. It's been a bit of a roller coaster this pregnancy. It's been SO much harder than when I was pregnant with Mini Cheddar. How I ever coped driving 124 miles every week day to and from work I'll never know.

We still aren't entirely ready for the new arrival. I still have washing, ironing and sorting to do but if the baby did put in an early appearance then we'd cope which is the main thing. Problem is, we are considering putting our house on the market and have gone so far as to have valuations done on the house. We certainly pick our moments don't we? What with MC being ill it's been a bit crazy this last week or so. I have a list as long as my arm of things to do but most of the time I'm too knackered to do a thing!

I'm feeling more and more at ease about things as I near the end but I'm still so scared that something is going to go wrong or there will be a problem with the baby. I just can't seem to shake off the feeling. It wasn't helped by the fact I bumped into my neighbour who lost her baby the other week. We hadn't had contact apart from me sending her a card and her texting me as she's been keeping herself to herself, understandably. It was in a place neither of us expected to see each other and all the time I was trying to cover up my bump with my coat so as not to flaunt it in her face. I could see the pain in her eyes and it broke my heart.

My new baby!

Matt went away down to London this weekend for his best mates stag night. Unfortunately, the timing and location of the wedding means we won't be able to attend. It's really upset us as this wedding has been planned for over 18 months and I was really looking forward to taking MC to her first wedding. I wasn't too worried about Matt going away - even if he was missing for the morning of Mother's Day. MC had made me a lovely card and a painted heart in a trinket box in play school which she brought into my room of her own doing - melted my heart. We picked Daddy up from the station just before 1pm and we went to McDonalds to grab a quick lunch. Nothing like being treated on Mother's Day! Anyway, Matt excelled himself totally as, when we got home, he produced a beautifully wrapped present and card from 'MC & Bump'. As I was opening it he said "Don't get too excited, it's not much". My jaw hit the floor when I realised it was a new iPad3! The boy done good...he can go away more often!

Heartburn is still getting to me although not as bad. The dreaded 'cankles' have started to form slightly. I took to wearing Matt's socks the other day as the sock marks mine left were getting pretty bad. Thankfully they aren't as bad as when I was pregnant with MC. It was proper baking bread in my shoes that time (in case you don't get that reference then watch this you tube clip - don't watch it in front of the kids!). The amazing news is I've managed to get through another pregnancy without a single stretch mark! Woohoo! You watch, now I've said that I'll get one overnight.

I've been sent some fabulous goodies to review for the new baby. The superb new Sanamama baby carrier which I can't wait to try out. It certainly looks and feels excellent quality. Having tried a carrier with MC which she really didn't like, this one looks 100 times better (easy to use and a better position for baby) and I'm hoping bump will enjoy it when the time is right.

This morning I received the new Mirano change bag from Pacapod. I had been looking at the Pacapod change bags following recommendations from some Twitter friends but I had opted for Logan style as I reported in a previous update. So imagine how delighted I was to be offered the gorgeous new Mirano. It's such a beautiful bag and I'm in love already - can't wait to use it!

So, that's about it for now. I wonder if I'll make my next update due at 40 weeks? Guess you'll just have to wait and see...

NOTE

2 weeks ago I ran a competition to win a bumper pack of HiPP Organic goodies. 

I'm pleased to announce that the winner (selected by random number generator) was 

Zoe Corkhill

Well done Zoe!

Pregnancy Patter - 20 Weeks And Scan Time!

Hello baby!

We had the 20 week scan today and it was fabulous. We got to see the baby in so much detail and it really cheered me up as, despite having a much better time with the sickness etc., I've had a bit of a crappy time over the past couple of weeks - all starting with my beloved dog being put to sleep just over 2 weeks ago. I should be feeling really happy as we have so much to look forward to over the next few months but I've been a bit down. I'm guessing pregnancy hormones just make everything feel 10 times worse.

I was feeling very anxious before the scan. I just wanted to know that everything was alright. Even though I've been having good movements now for a long time there's always that niggling doubt.

We ended up finding out the sex of the baby this morning. I didn't want to find out but Matt did and as I wouldn't let him find out with Mini Cheddar it was time to concede. We weren't going to tell anyone but our parents asked so we told them. My Sister said she doesn't want to know though - so hoping my Mum and Dad don't spill the beans! It feels very strange knowing...I still wish we hadn't found out but I'm happy also that we did. I know, I don't make any sense but hey, I'm pregnant!

We spent a long time with the consultant after the scan. I'm consultant led as I had to have a caesarean section with MC. I have until 34 weeks to decide to try and push for another caesarean or to try for a VBAC. I must say at the moment that the VBAC is looking more desirable - the thought of staying in hospital for 2 nights with MC at home will kill me. It's funny because first time I was so prepared for a natural birth and was destroyed when I knew I'd have to have a c-section. Now, after having such an amazing c-section birth, the thought of a VBAC scares the hell out of me! What will be, will be I guess.

The glucose levels in my urine were VERY high today which is of concern to them. I am due to have a GTT at 30 weeks anyway because of family history of diabetes - I had to have one with MC but it was fine. Hopefully it's just the amount of pineapple juice I drank this morning when I woke up (oops!) and the fact I had THE biggest chocolate panettone at Piccolinos last night. 

In other news I'm feeling really ill in a non-pregnancy related way. My throat feels like it's on fire, my head aches and tonight I've started aching. Really hacked off as I had my flu jab in October. MC is really struggling. She's had a bad cold and the worst cough ever for almost 2 weeks and tonight she's thrown up everywhere. She's had a sleep for an hour and then woke up coughing and crying and talking about wanting to go to Asda (?!?!). Back to the doctors for us tomorrow!

That's all for now...enough of my ramblings. See you in 2 weeks!

Pregnancy Patter - 18 Weeks And Loving It

Well, 2 weeks has passed since my last proper update and I have to say things have turned around remarkably in those 2 weeks.

I feel alive!

On the Tuesday of that time I was at my worst when a package arrived from the lovely people at WaterBaby. I took my first drink that day and haven't looked back since, it was literally like I'd been reborn the following day. I even managed to do housework which I hadn't touched in a long while.

It could be a total coincidence but I think not.  I've now run out of WaterBaby and, although I'm still feeling reasonably OK, I do have to say I haven't got as much energy as when I was drinking it. So...I've just ordered a bumper pack with them.  Hope it arrives quickly.  I just need them to start doing some sachets of the drink that you can add to water so I can take them on holiday with me!

In other news, it's just less than 2 weeks until our 20 week scan.  I'm very nervous but also excited.  Matt is still saying he wants to find out the sex but I don't. I've agreed that if he is adamant then I'll go along with his wishes and we'll find out as we didn't with Mini Cheddar.

I've also got all my old maternity clothes out of the loft. I thought I was lucky in that I'm pregnant at exactly the same time of year as I was with MC...then Matt went and booked a big holiday for January! So it's going to be a bit of a scrabble trying to find some very cheap Spring/Summer maternity wear.  We have so much to do over the next 2 months we've had to write a list to keep track of it all. Somewhere in the middle of it we are going up to Edinburgh for 4 nights for our usual Christmas jaunt...I feel like a pregnant Judith Chalmers at the moment.

The only bad thing that has happened in these past 2 weeks is the fact my chin erupted in the worse case of spots I've ever seen...I was just lucky that I was potty training MC so I didn't really need to go out. My skin wasn't even this bad when I was a teenager. My bathroom cabinet is like an advert for Clean & Clear. Lets' hope they are under control soon!

Yesterday I was lucky enough to be invited to the head office of Mamas & Papas for an exclusive look at their new Spring/Summer range. I have always loved Mamas & Papas but now I'm 'in love' with them completely (and the Mylo!). The staff there are so lovely, knowledgeable and passionate about their products. I'll be writing up a blog post about my trip there very very soon - exciting!

So, enough of my ramblings for now...I'll be back in 2 weeks with news of the scan.

Pregnancy Patter - 16 Weeks And Still Sick

Yes, I know my bump is huge already
(At least MC's hand makes it look a little smaller)

It was about time I got around to blogging about my pregnancy. I didn't really take any photos of my bump (apart from a couple) when I was pregnant with Mini Cheddar so I have nothing to look back on.

I've decided this time it's going to be different. Now I have this blog to use as a diary too. I'm not going to blog about it every week but just when I have some news.

I was 16 weeks yesterday. The time I'm supposed to be 'blooming'.

Yeah right!

I'm off blogging again as I've been feeling a bit rubbish this week.

Yesterday I spent most of the day on the sofa, unable to move without feeling sick or my head pounding. I was that poorly that when one of my friends rang me to see how I was I started crying as I felt so sorry for myself. I honestly thought that I was over it but no, I don't know what my body is playing at but some days (thankfully most) I feel fine but then others I'm of no use to anyone.

Matt found me curled up on the sofa at 5.30pm yesterday, no dinner prepared, nothing. I didn't have the energy to interact with my daughter, let alone tidy the house and I felt awful about it all. Luckily I have a superb husband who, despite being out at meetings all day and driving a few hundred miles, came in and ran around the house like 'Super Dad', tidied up, sorted out Mini Cheddar and the dog, got me some water, nursed me and then...rang up Dominoes Pizza who delivered our dinner in 30 minutes. What a star!

Today is a totally different day. Today I feel remotely human again. I've done some freelance work, been to a play school meeting, been to see my midwife, done some more work, tidied up and organised dinner (left over pizza yes, but hey at least I thought about it!).

The trip to the community midwife went really well and, as this is my second baby, I don't have to go back until I'm 28 weeks. I have my 20 week scan at the hospital booked for the 15th November so looking forward to that. Matt wants to find out the sex of the baby but I'm not so keen. I guess it will be a last minute decision.

I have been feeling the baby move for the past couple of weeks now, in fact I'm convinced it was after the MAD Blog Awards in London whilst I was in bed in my hotel room that I felt the first movements - must have been all the excitement! The midwife even said she saw the baby move when I was laid on the examining table. I got to listen to the baby's heartbeat today for the first time too - I remember this so well with Mini Cheddar and it would always get me really emotional.

So, that's it in a nutshell. I have to say I've felt a lot more sick this time than I did with MC and a lot more zapped of energy. The lovely people at mywaterbaby.com heard my moaning about sickness last week on Twitter and very kindly sent me a box of their folic acid hydration drink which arrived yesterday - perfect timing! It's early days yet but maybe that's why I am feeling much better today. Who knows? I will report back soon on my findings.

MC is loving the pregnancy so far (we told her at 12 weeks) and she regularly talks about her "baby in Mummy's tummy" and talks to the bump or puts her hand on it. She seems excited and keeps asking for "baby to come out now". Let's hope she's as excited when her new sibling enters the world.

24 weeks and counting.

Silent Sunday #11

All Aboard The Train To Vomit Ville

After last weeks overnighter in hospital with Mini Cheddar which put a stop on her birthday week (poor little love) I was kind of hoping for a bit of a break.  The sun is finally shining and it's warm enough to step out in a t-shirt pretty much.  But no, someone had other plans for me this week.

Early evening yesterday I started to feel really nauseous.  Then the stomach cramps hit. Bugger.

I thought I'd gotten away with it! Apparently there are 3 hospitals in the area I live that are shut now due to the dreaded norovirus so I guess my chances were slim.  I've already boarded the train to Vomit Ville and it ain't stopping.

Complete with hospital sick bowl

So, a truly awful nights sleep last night along with severe vomiting at 3.30am, here I am.

As I lay here on the bed feeling a little sorry for myself, I'm actually feeling more sorry for Mini Cheddar.  Not only did we have to cut her days out for her 2nd birthday short last week, then the poor mite had to be put on a drip as she couldn't keep any fluid down at all....now here she is fully recovered but stuck in bed with me.  

Not only that, my husband is now trying to jump on my sickness bandwagon complaining that his tummy feels 'dodgy'.  Didn't stop him wolfing toast and a coffee this morning though did it?  Or stop him going to the chippy last night.  Why can't I just be ill on my own and be nursed properly?

He's just offered to get Mini Cheddar dressed.  It's 11.30am.  I've just been presented with the first question "What shall I put her in?"

"I'm sure you can choose an outfit for her" I shout from my sick bed.

I'm wondering what on earth she'll appear from her room wearing.  Men really have no idea.

Then comes the next one..."I think she may have poo'ed'.

"Well change her nappy"

"Does she need a vest on?"

"That depends what (bloody awful) outfit you dress her in!"

AAAAARRRRRGGGGH!

Ill or full of health, we never stop being mothers do we?

Actually, I really want my mum right now (I always do when I'm ill) but I don't want her to catch the train too.

Silent Sunday #10

The Ticking Clock

As I sit here at 3.40pm on a sunny Saturday afternoon this is my view. The only sound I can hear is the loud ticking of the clock above the ensuite door and the gentle breathing of my beautiful daughter in my arms.

The garish blue of the hospital walls and the clinical linen on the bed is a stark reminder of where we are and how quickly things can go downhill with a little one.

It's hard to believe that only a week ago we were celebrating her 2nd birthday in style and here we are with her hooked up to an iv drip to get fluids into her after a dire case of vommiting and diarrhoea - she couldn't even keep a thimble full of water down.

I have never felt so utterly helpless as I did last night. Her little body fighting against me, two doctors and two nurses as they tried in vain (no pun intended) to put the cannula into her hand to hook her up to the iv. It was the most awful moment of my life.

But this isn't a post to moan about how rough we've had it. As I pop down to the hospital cafe every now again to take a break and get a fix of caffiene, I'm reminded of how fragile our little ones lives are. I go past high dependency units and SCBU machines and it absolutely breaks my heart to think of those parents and children who have their lives literally hanging by a thread.

I've read blogs recently from parents with poorly children, children who spend most of their lives in and out of hospital and doctors surgeries and I can't even begin to imagine the pain and anguish they must have gone through. I've only had this hospital experience for the last 24 hours, so far, but it will be forever etched in my memory as the worst night of my life.

To all those parents and children who have suffered, are still suffering or will suffer in the future - you're in my thoughts.