Never Forgetting Matilda Mae

I can't believe 2 years have passed.

2 whole years.

A long time but yet no time at all.

I cannot and will not ignore this date. 

Just like I will not ignore the 7th March or the 2nd May - they are dates etched on my heart by a baby I never got to meet.

I don't need to say a lot. I just need to say...

Rest in Peace Baby Tilda

You will never be forgotten

xx

Matilda Mae Henley

2nd May 2012 - 2nd February 2013

#MeAndMine - A Family Portrait (November 2014)

I can't believe it's December tomorrow!

Where is 2014 going?

Life just doesn't seem to get any quieter. I thought I'd have more time to blog with TC starting to go to Play School a couple of times a week now but I don't. I'm desperately wanting to blog about my huge 80's themed 40th Birthday party but haven't gotten to that yet.  I have so much to do before Christmas and I don't know how I'm going to fit it all in.

Last time I blogged was about TC struggling to settle in to Play School but thankfully that all seems to be working out well now. He goes in without fuss now. I know he'd prefer to be at home or out with Mummy but he reluctantly accepts his time there and talks about all the fun he's had when I pick him up. I've noticed he's becoming more confident and less reliant on my apron strings so it's all a step in the right direction.

I was busy this month organising a charity event for The Lullaby Trust in memory of Matilda Mae. That consumed the vast majority of my time and, with the help of a few fellow bloggers, we managed to raise over £550 which will be doubled to over £1100 for the charity - it's more than I could've hoped for.

I between all the other stuff I've been doing I'm taking the children to private swimming lessons now. TC on a Wednesday and MC on a Saturday. The other Saturday we all decided to go and watch MC but we arrived early. Now, I'm always messing around with selfies of the children so I thought it would be nice to take some of us all. It wasn't my attention to use them for my Me and Mine post - they were for my '23 Snaps' app on my phone where I just share photos of the children with immediate family - but the series I took has made me laugh so much that I want to document them.

MC is a little madam and always like to be the centre of the shot…often to the detriment of her little brother…

Poor TC!

#MeAndMine - A Family Portrait (June 2014)

Straight off I have a confession to make.

These photos were taken May 31st.

But, because they were taken after my May post, I'm hoping Lucy will let me off as I really wanted to share them on the blog.

We were lucky enough to go to the Matilda Mae Barn Dance in Kent. It's the reason we chose to spend our half-term break in Camber so we would be in the area for the barn dance. I knew I couldn't miss it and I'm glad I didn't.

The weather was perfect and Jennie, Ami from Beebies Baby Store (who has just won Best Independent Retailer in the Loved By Parents Awards!) and everyone else involved in the organisation of the event made it a wonderful day.

I have to admit that it was hard-going. After a week of holidaying with two small children, and three out of the four of us being ill when we were away, Matt and I were exhausted. We still had such a lovely time. It was so lovely to catch up with friends old and new whilst raising money for The Lullaby Trust.

These photos were taken in the virtual photo booth.

TC wasn't too keen at first but he never fails to delight in being turned upside down. The kids love these photos as much as I do and I often find them picking it up and giggling at them. I think it's the sight of daddy in a turkey hat! MC also says my wig looks like Harry Styles. Hmm.

They are ones we will treasure forever and that's why I knew they had to be part of my Me and Mine post this month.

In other news, I've decided to revamp and relaunch my blog in September/October. I've let my blog completely slide over the last year and that makes me sad. I started the blog as my online diary - a place to capture my life as a stay-at-home-mum, a place that I could look back on and a place that my children could read about their lives when they are older. The fact that the last year has been sketchy, missing out on so many special moments makes me want to try and get back what I once had. I haven't been myself this past year and things have changed. Also, TC starts at play school at the end of September so it should free up some time during the day. 

I have some special photos to share with you all very soon too! 

Watch this space...

Time

Time seems to be flying by at the moment.

Time is something I seem to have very little of.

I find myself wishing for more time.

But time is something that my friend Jennie wishes she had more of with good reason. She wishes she had more time with her beautiful daughter Matilda Mae.

It breaks my heart to think of Baby Tilda but I do.

Every single day.

Even on days when I'm busy there will be at least once that I think of her. And I think of Jennie. I think of how little time they had together.

A mere 9 months.

No time at all.

Today would have been Tilda's 2nd birthday.

Today SHOULD have been Tilda's 2nd birthday.

But it wasn't meant to be.

There is absolutely nothing that anyone can do to bring Matilda back to Jennie's loving arms but there are little differences we can make. We can be there to support Jennie in person or online when she needs us. We can be sympathetic to how us moaning about how bad our days are would upset Jennie.

We can also continue to raise lots of money.

In the 15 months since Matilda Mae passed away and well over £30,000 has been raised for The Lullaby Trust.

How incredible is that?

The Lullaby Trust are a small charity but their work is invaluable is helping support bereaved families and helping to promote safer sleep for babies.

This month there are two events that you can get involved in. I've already posted about the 'Mile In Memory of Matilda Mae' (Sat 17th May) and the 'Baby Tilda Barn Dance' (Sat 31st May) with details of how you can help. Even if you can't attend the events in Warrington, Cheshire and Egerton, Kent then you can still make a donation to The Lullaby Trust in memory of Matilda Mae.

Those of you who are coming along to the events, I look forward to seeing you.

And remember...

Hug your little ones tight tonight.

And always.

Time goes too fast.

Time can be cut short.

Time is something Matilda did not have enough of.

Happy Birthday baby girl.

Photo credit: Jennie @ Edspire

May Is #MatildaMae Month - Come Join Us

I can't believe it's almost May already.

As I sit in my kitchen looking at my 'Matilda Mae' tea light star on my windowsill, the tears sting my eyes.

2nd May should be Matilda's 2nd Birthday.

Baby Tilda.

A little girl who never got to see her 1st birthday, let alone her 2nd. I still struggle to believe that she was taken from Jennie like that. I still struggle to comprehend how cruel life can be to such wonderful people.

Jennie is one of the bravest people I know.

The amount of money she's raised for The Lullaby Trust with help of family, friends and fellow bloggers is phenomenal and it continues next month.

I haven't been blogging much at all. In fact, this will be my first and last post for April but I I want to try and use my blog to tell you all about these wonderful events that are taking place. One in the North West and one in the South of England.

These events are not to be missed.

First up is the 'Mile In Memory of Matilda Mae'.

This is taking place Saturday 17th May at 11am at Walton Gardens, Warrington. Jennie, David and the twins will be there along with friends and fellow bloggers to walk a 'Mile in Memory of Matilda Mae'.

Walton Gardens is a lovely spacious park with large lawns, picnic areas, a large cafe, play areas, a children's zoo and other outdoor activities. We are excited to be holding the Mile In Memory of Matilda May in such a lovely setting and we hope the weather will be kind to us.

You can read more about the event and find all the details on the Mile In Memory of Matilda Mae Facebook page. If you would like to join us then please register your family on the 'Mile In Memory of Matilda Mae Eventbrite Ticket page'.

In order to join us all you need to do is make a donation of at least £1 to the Matilda Mae JustGiving page and ensure you register your family. Please note that you will be required to pay £3.20 for the car park at Walton Gardens but it is well worth it as you can enjoy all the Walton Gardens has to offer. As we get closer to the event we will be updating details so keep your eyes on the Facebook page.


Then, at the end of May, Jennie is hosting the fabulous 'Baby Tilda' Barn Dance.

The barn dance will be held on Saturday 31st May at 12pm - 6.30pm at the Millennium Hall, Egerton, Kent and will be another lovely event for all the family.

The cost to attend the barn dance is a super-low price of £10 for adults and children over 11, £5 for those between 3 and 11 with under 3's free!

The afternoon is set to be wonderful with live music, a hog roast, afternoon tea, a play marquee and much, much more.

We are going down to Kent for it and we cannot wait to go! I wouldn't miss it for the world. Although I'm a little concerned that since Jennie, Susanne and Lisa found out I used to line dance years ago (oh the shame) they expecting big things and I will be disappointing them!

If you wish to find out more about the Baby Tilda Barn Dance you can join the Barn Dance Facebook page. If you wish to purchase tickets you can buy these from Beebies Baby Store page dedicated to the barn dance.

If you are unable to attend the Barn Dance then please look into sponsor opportunities for the Baby Tilda Barn Dance. You can do this by visiting Beebies Baby Store where you will find sponsorship opportunities at the bottom of the page ranging from £10 - £100. If you are unable to sponsor then please consider a donation to The Lullaby Trust in memory of Matilda Mae on Jennie's fundraising page.

I really hope as many of you as possible can make it to the events and I look forward to seeing you there. Please share these events with family and friends as much as possible - thank you.

Matilda Mae

2nd May 2012 - 2nd February 2013

9 months here. 9 months gone. But never forgotten.

When A Friend Loses A Baby #MMRemembers

Almost a year ago today Susanne and I were relative strangers, having met once at an event. Almost a year ago today we travelled together to Kent to the funeral of another relative stranger, Jennie, who'd lost her baby girl to SIDS.

A year.

A whole year.

It only seems like yesterday now.

7th March 2013.

We stood together in that church shaking, crying and holding hands and we spoke. Spoke about Matilda's legacy and the blogging community.

A lot has happened in that year.

Sadness. So much sadness.

But one thing I am so glad of. One thing I'll always be glad of.

We have all become good friends.

Today, as this post goes live, Susanne and I will be back at that little church in Kent to speak together again at Matilda Mae Remembers - a service to remember all the babies in the sky.

I wanted to share our words with you today…

One year ago we stood here in tears

as we tried so hard to explain

how Matilda had touched so many lives

how many were feeling the pain.

We're not sure we realised how hard it would be

to see a friend suffer like that

to see a friend say goodbye -

nothing can prepare you for that.

But we know that this is not our grief

we do not have the right

to cry and to feel sad and wish so hard

that things were different that night.

All we can tell you is all that we know

that seeing a friend suffer is hard.

Watching her move through the days as she does

with achingly empty arms.

***

When a friend loses a baby your world starts to rock - 

It's all so surreal and you're left feeling shocked.

You read the words over and it doesn't sink in,

You know not what to do, nor where to begin.

When a friend loses a baby you weep for her loss,

You mourn, you feel low, but you also get cross.

How could this baby be taken away?

On what was to us just a normal day?

When a friend loses a baby you know not what to say,

It's at time like this that you wish you could pray.

But you know that nothing will bring the comfort she needs,

You sit and watch as her broken heart bleeds.

When a friend loses a baby you stumble and fall,

You cuddle your little ones tight in a ball.

Sleep doesn't come easy; you are always aware,

Checking on breathing and stroking their hair.

When a friend loses a baby you feel helpless and scared,

Her baby's been taken and yours was spared.

And then the guilt hits - you know what you've got,

You have your baby and your friend does not.

When a friend loses a baby you know that she hides,

The things she is feeling deep down inside.

Her smile is a mask since that night with the cot,

People tell her she's strong, but really she's not.

When a friend loses a baby there is not much to do,

Except to hope it's enough to be you.

When a friend loses a baby I guess she just needs,

Some time and some space to just simply grieve.

Amelie - The Perfect Travel Bag From Mia Tui

Last year I bought a Matilda Mae bag from Mia Tui.

I loved it instantly.

Not just because by purchasing it I knew that 10% would go direct to The Lullaby Trust in memory of Matilda Mae but it was, quite simply, a lovely handbag. I was also sent the Lottie bag free which is great small strap across handbag which I find perfect for days out.

I loved it so much I raved about it on all forms of social media and friends and family bought one too.

So when I heard Mia Tui were looking for bloggers to review their gorgeous range of bags I just had to volunteer.

I was sent the absolutely beautiful Amelie which was originally designed as a large travel bag (Mia Tui also do the Minnie Amelie - a slightly smaller version more suitable for women under 5ft 5") and it did not disappoint. I asked for the 'Teal' colour as, when ordering my Matilda Mae bag last year, I was torn between the Aubergine and Teal. I eventually went for the Aubergine.

The Amelie Teal colour is just beautiful. Really vibrant and stands out. It also looks amazing with the bright pink interior.

Which leads me on nicely to the inside of the bag. It is brilliant! Roomy, practical and the attention to detail is just fantastic.

What makes the interior of the Amelie bag so unique is that it contains lots of different interior

photo: miatui.com

pockets and also comes with smaller bags inside - 2 clear PVC bags and a purse style bag that matches the colour of the Amelie. This means you can pretty much tailor make the bag to suit your requirements of usage. What's more, all the bags are waterproof inside and out.

I tried to get a really good photograph of the interior but it didn't do it justice like this one (left) from the Mia Tui website.

There's a large insulated water-bottle holder which is perfect for also holding an umbrella. There are many interior pockets as well as a handy clip for attaching your keys - meaning you'll never be rummaging around the bottom of your bag looking for them again. It also has a great phone holder and pen holders so you won't lose these items in your bag either.

The PVC bags contained within the Amelie are airline compliant which makes them great for putting your small bottles of liquids for aircraft carry-on. They can also be used for different things if you need them to.

I had the perfect job for the Amelie which makes my review even better…

I took it away with me on a hen weekend to London a couple of weeks ago (for those who don't know - I live in North Wales)!

I do have to admit I was worried that I wouldn't fit all I needed for 2 nights away. I also really worried about taking a shoulder bag all that way on the train and carrying it through central London on the underground tube. I knew that the other 9 girls I was travelling with were all taking wheeled suitcases. I was that worried that I also decided not to take the Amelie  But I did and I was glad I did.

Not only did the Amelie fit everything I needed for 2 nights away - including a pair of jeans, a pair of leggings, 4 going out tops (I needed back-ups!), 2 jumpers, underwear, a pair of shoe boots, all toiletries, make-up, hair straighteners AND a bottle of fizz! It was brilliant. I was really excited by the colour of the bag, so much so that I had my nails painted to match!

I needn't have worried about the fact it was a shoulder bag (it also comes with one long shoulder strap which I didn't take with me) as it was so comfortable. In fact, I think it was easier than having a wheeled suitcase as some of the girls struggled with them on escalators. The bag didn't ache my shoulder at all on the journey there and back and I really can't wait to use it for the wedding this weekend. Matt and I are staying over at a hotel and I cannot wait. This week has been emotionally challenging and I'm looking forward to letting my hair down and spending some time with my husband and my friends. And I'm thrilled the Mia Tui Amelie will be joining me!

The Amelie is priced at £63* but Mia Tui have a whole range of amazing bags and purses starting from just £15*.

So, if you're after a new bag (or even if you don't need one - but then what girl never needs a new bag?) then head over and check out the amazing range that Mia Tui offer.

Not only that, you can use my unique code 'SAHM15' to get a 15% discount on your order. How great is that? Just add your code to the discount box during the check-out process and you'll receive the discount.

I was sent the Baby Mia Tui Amelie 

but all photographs (apart from image credited above), 

words, views and opinions are entirely my own.

I also receive no financial gain whatsoever from the discount code -
it purely benefits you lovely readers.

*prices correct at time of writing

Letters For #MatildaMae - Dear Baby Tilda

Dear Baby Tilda,

It seems strange that I'm writing this letter to you.

To 'Baby' Tilda.

You're only a month younger than TC. But he's not a baby anymore. How can this be? It makes me so sad and angry at the world. Life is so unfair sometimes.

I still struggle to believe you're gone.

I never met you, I dearly wish I had. I wish that with all my heart. I did meet your mummy briefly when you were just a tiny little secret growing inside her. She was quiet that night...wrapped in an excited and anxious bubble of early pregnancy. I wish now that I had gotten her to talk more that evening.

I'll never forget reading those words your mummy posted the day after you left the world. My heart flew up into my mouth. I couldn't believe it. Didn't want to believe it.

I felt sick.

My world stopped.

And then I sobbed.

Sobbed for a beautiful baby I'd never met.

Sobbed for a beautiful lady destroyed.

Sobbed for a beautiful family torn apart.

I have thought about you and your mummy every single day for the past year. Even on my happiest of days there is still something that pulls my mind back to you. I see you everywhere. In every star, every rain drop, every rainbow and more.

Sometimes I catch TC doing something for the first time and my heart aches all over again. Aches for the empty arms of your mummy. She is an amazing lady. I know you know that. I just wish she believed it.

I still can't believe that exactly 12 months have passed. A whole year since you were snatched from your loving parents by something so devastatingly cruel. No-one knows the real extent of what they face each day without you. I can't begin to imagine the gut-wernching pain they feel without you in their lives.

But you are everywhere, Tilda.

I really believe that.

Not just in the stars, rain drops and rainbows.

Your little life has had such a huge impact on so many people. Your legacy is something truly amazing. It really is quite wonderful.

Personally, I've been on a journey these last 12 months.

When something awful happens in the world, we stop for a moment. We think about how awful it is. We think about how thankful we are, how we aren't going to take things for granted and then we move on, eventually forgetting and slipping back into bad habits.

This time it's different.

You've had such an impact on myself and so many people, Tilda. Your little life has made some big changes to lots of lives.

Mine for one…

• I am more tolerant of my children's behaviour. If one of them won't go to sleep at the time, I don't stress. I relish the extra cuddles.

• If one of them is ill I stop what I'm doing completely. Even when I'm busy and they don't really need me, I just sit and spend quiet time with them. Again, I relish the cuddles.

• I always checked on my children before I went to bed but now I spend a few moments sat on the bed or sat by the cot. I stroke hair. I wish cheeks. I feel love.

• I don't stress about the small stuff. I'm more relaxed than I ever used to be. 

• I've given up my freelance work so I can spend more time with my children. It's where I want to be. They are growing up so fast and I want to be a part of that.

• I've found out about The Lullaby Trust and the amazing work they do. I cut back on cards and gifts this Christmas and donated money instead. Having met Francine recently, it feels great to support such a wonderful charity to help families like yours.

• I am learning to also look after myself too. A happy mummy makes for happy children and that's what's important

There are a couple of other things that have happened. 

I've made two very beautiful and dearly loved friends because of you. 

Your mummy and Susanne. 

They mean so much to me. Susanne and I travelled to your funeral together and we read aloud. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but I did it for you and for your mummy. 

I've told your mummy that I will always be here for her and I promise you that, Tilda. I'll always be here for Susanne too - you know how much she's helped your Mummy. She's helped me too.

As much as I love them, I would give up their friendship in a heartbeat to have you back where you belong. In your mummy's arms.

Life is so cruel but something special has happened. It's all because of you and your wonderful mummy.

Baby died,

People cried.

Candles lighted, 

Friends united. 

Money made,

Awareness raised. 

Legacy grew,

Look what love can do.

Rest in peace baby girl.

Love Heather xx

Christmas Day 2013

In my 3 years of blogging I've not actually written about Christmas.

How bad is that?

To be honest, by time we are through the holidays and we plunge straight into a new year I feel like it's too late to blog about it.

This year though, I'm making an effort, despite us already being halfway through January.

I need to blog about our family life more. I need to spend more time detailing our life and treasuring memories. It's probably not a post that will interest many people but it's one that I can look back on and that's what matters to me most.

For the past 7 years I've cooked Christmas dinner. The least amount was for just Matt and myself (the Christmas before MC was born) and the most was for 10 people.

That was this Christmas. 10 people.

Each year I've stressed about Christmas. I've got worked up about cooking for everyone and making sure the meal is perfect.

It always has been.

I'd spend the few days before working out all my timings of what needed to go in the oven on what setting, at what time and for how long. It would be timed to the minute and written out neatly in order.

This year was different though. I didn't prepare timings in advance and stress about dinner being perfect. Over the last 11 months or so, since Tilda passed away, I've realised more than ever what's important in life. Just being together as a family is what matters. Christmas dinner and everything else are just the extras. I had plenty of stars around the house to remind me of Tilda and what was important - not that I need reminding.

We were looking forward to Christmas as it was the first in our lovely new home. We were to be joined for dinner by my parents, Matt's parents and his brother and fiancée.

Christmas day was lovely.

The kids woke about 8am and that was only because I started making noise as I'd been wide awake from 6.30am excited to see the kids open their presents. Mini Cheddar was so excited when she saw the stocking filled at the end of her bed.

"SANTA'S BEEN" came the cries and running along the landing.

I when to Tiny Ched's room, plucked him from his cot and carried him into our room. MC carried his stocking in and we all sat on our bed to open presents. TC loved every second of it. He opened every present, although it took him a while as when he discovered Percy the engine in there he was beside himself and just wanted to play with that.

We went downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast and then we entered the lounge to discover more presents - the kids had definitely been good this year!

Again, TC opened every single present excitedly and when he discovered Thomas the Tank Engine, that was it! He shrieked.

Last Christmas I would have been champing at the bit to get through the present opening and so I could start dinner. This year though, I soaked it all in. I took lots of photos and watched the kids excitement unfold on their faces. It was lovely and leisurely.

We all got dressed and the kids played happily with their new toys whilst Matt and I started the dinner prep. Matt is the perfect Christmas dinner sous chef! He preps the mountains of vegetables (I hate prepping sprouts) and cleans all the pots up as we go and is just generally my 'kitchen biatch' for the day. It's very rare we both cook together and I love it.

Matt's parents arrived just after 11am, after driving up from Nottingham, and his brother and fiancée arrived shortly after from Oxford. My parents (who only live 10 minutes away) arrived too and we were all set. I'd told everyone that I'd serve dinner at 1pm and, for the first time ever, it was slightly late by about 15 minutes - probably due to my more relaxed attitude!

We sat down (at a table with 3 extra non-matching chairs - isn't that what Christmas is all about?) to eat a feast of roast beef (we aren't huge fans of turkey), a mountain of roast potatoes, stuffing (who says you can't have it with beef?), pigs in blankets, roasted parsnips, sprouts and pancetta, carrots, broccoli and gravy. It was delicious and my stomach is growling just thinking about it.

For dessert I'd made a chocolate hazelnut meringue roulade the day before (thanks Delia!). If you've not tried one, do it - simple to make and it's a bit like eating Fererro Rocher. We had Christmas pudding and homemade mince pies too.

After dinner began the present opening again! The kids were spoilt so much and, despite having a big house now, we were wondering where we were going to put it all.

The only time the TV was on all day was for the Queen's Speech. Usually we will watch a film or something but this year I wanted proper family time with no distractions. We talked, we played games and we were just happy in each others company. There was lots of laughter and just being together as a family.

TC did so well through the day. He had a couple of small naps and went to bed a little later than usual without a peep from him. MC stayed up late and was a little tearful at bedtime due to such a busy and exciting day.

The inlaws all stayed overnight and it was lovely to be able to put everyone up for the night now we have the extra bedrooms.

Everyone went home mid-morning on Boxing Day so we could enjoy the rest of Christmas as a family of four and we did just that.

I have so many lovely memories.

TC opening up his stocking presents on our bed

MC thrilled to have Harry Styles!

This Disney Hedbanz game provided
much entertainment Christmas Day 

Full steam opening presents

"What's that you've got bro?"

The kids playing happily while we cooked dinner

My kitchen biatch hard at work

Note the Matilda Mae star at the end

Enjoying roulade and ice cream

Christmas Dinner face

A helping hand with presents from Grandma and Grandad

So good at opening presents

They played beautifully together with toys

Or just playing horses

Disney Hedbandz is awesome

My favourite photo from Christmas

Which Way To Turn?

Right now I really don't know which way to turn.

I'm struggling a little.

I know this blog post will turn into a rambling mess but I need a 'thought dump'. I apologise in advance if it doesn't make sense.

Life seems to be going at 100 miles an hour but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere or doing anything fulfilling. Maybe this is what being a stay-at-home-mum is like at its worst?

Maybe I'm not exactly 'loving it' at the moment.

Regular readers will notice large gaps in my posts over the past couple of months.

I spent most of September and the first part of October (yes, my food poisoning/stomach thing had a relapse) being really ill and it knocked me for six. To be perfectly honest, since then it's really made me think about things. I was that poorly that Matt (and I, if I'm honest) was really worried. It scared us. It made us both realise just how fragile life can be. Those times at the hospital when I was in agony and Matt felt so helpless were awful.

This morning I took TC to a soft-play centre. I needed to get out somewhere. Anywhere that wasn't shopping. I was going to meet up with the lovely Sarah who lives just down the road but she's poorly. It's a good job in a way as Sarah probably wouldn't have known what to do with me.

The song Firework by Katy Perry came on whilst I was there.

I welled up.

Then the tears became sobs.

Luckily there were only a couple of people in there and I was sat in a corner so was able to get away with it.

That song makes me think of Multiple Mummy and Matilda Mae.

It's funny but doing that in public made me realise something.

I'm feeling quite low.

Christmas is coming and everyone is getting excited.

I should be getting excited but deep down I'm not.

Yes, I am struggling.

Struggling to make sense of such a cruel world. Struggling to make sense of everything. Struggling not to be torn apart knowing that friends are suffering.

I want to make this Christmas so special for my family. It's our first Christmas in our lovely new home. We are having the whole of downstairs decorated and there is lovely colour everywhere. TC is more aware of everything this year. MC is beside herself with excitement and she's top of her class in school too. We have so much to look forward to but I just can't shake this feeling I have.

I'm also feeling like a failure. Everywhere I turn on social media I see posts and photos of lovingly home-cooked meals. I see photos of amazing crafts, brilliant messy-play, amazing days out and lots of fun and happiness.

I know most people only post the good stuff but I wonder how these people have the time to do the things that they do? I sometimes feel like my kids are living on pasta and fish fingers most of the time and we don't get out and about enough.

I know my kids are happy and loved and that's what counts but I still feel like I'm letting them down.

I'm also trying to decide what to do about my blog.

I have seriously 'lost that blogging feeling'.

I started this blog to document my life as a stay-at-home-mum and to give myself and my children memories. I've let us all down. Somedays I feel like quitting but blogging has brought me so much. It's brought me unbelievable amounts of love and support. More importantly, it's brought some amazing friends into my life.

At the moment though I don't see how I can fit blogging in. I am desperately trying to spend time with TC. He's growing up so quickly and I don't want him to grow up. Knowing he's my last baby pulls at my heart a little. My days are filled with spending time with my children. When MC's at school and TC has his afternoon nap I'm sorting washing or tidying the house. When the kids go to bed I want to spend time with Matt. We get so little time together on our own that our evenings (when he's not away with work) are so precious. I love my husband so much and the evenings are our time. I don't see how social media is going to fit in?

At the time this post goes live I have 182 un-read emails in my inbox because I really can't face going through them and the more I ignore them, the more they build up.

Anyway, I think I'm my own worst enemy.

When I'm feeling like this I cut myself off. I shy away from social media and I stay in the house a lot.

It doesn't do me any good.

Thankfully I have mainly good days but I also have a few bad days.

Luckily I recognise the signs.

I need a plan.

I need to know what I'm doing and where I'm going or I have a feeling I'll lose myself (and my blog) along the way. I need to shake off this doom and gloom feeling. This feeling that something really bad is going to happen to me or my family.

I need to feel happy all the time again.

I need to know which way to turn.

Watch this space...

A Day Of Love - The Matilda Mae Welly Walk #MMWellyWalk

Just over 9 months ago a community was rocked.

Family and friends were heartbroken.

And a family was torn apart.

I still struggle to believe what happened to Matilda Mae. I always knew life could be so painfully cruel but I never realised just how much until I heard the news that lunchtime 3rd February.

Baby Tilda's death has had such an impact on so many people. Not just family and friends of Jennie but strangers who heard about what's happened.

I've mentioned briefly before just how much of an impact it had, and continues to have, on me. TC is just a month older than Tilda. Whenever he does something new I feel happy but a part of my heart aches a little...I struggle with my emotions knowing that a friend is missing her baby girl with every part of her body and soul. Each and every milestone lost. Never to be.

I'm going to openly admit now that I've been struggling lately. You will notice that I have been absent from my blog. Even though I often find blogging therapeutic I haven't wanted to blog a 'woe is me' post. Why should I be so sad? I still have my baby boy. My life is good. I should be happy, right?

But like many people far and wide I can't help it.

I've known the Welly Walk was coming. I knew that the date was such an emotional milestone for Jennie. The day her baby girl has been gone for longer than she was alive.

It's been pulling at my heart.

We put our names down to go to The Welly Walk pretty much from the start. I knew we couldn't miss it, despite the distance from home. I wanted to be there. To see Jennie again, to show our support, to honour baby Tilda and raise more money for The Lullaby Trust.

It was an incredible day.

It was a sea of pink and purple. Stars and hearts were everywhere. Family and friends pulled together to help Jennie create something truly amazing.

Something beautiful.

Just like Matilda Mae.

I spoke at the end of the day about how Tilda had witnessed love in abundance in her short life.

That love was evident everywhere on Saturday.

It completely filled Beale Park.

You could see it in every look. Every smile. Every tear.

I don't need to go into detail about the day. I think the few photos I'll share speak for themselves.

Family, friends and strangers created something very special on Saturday. Every person there, every brand and everyone who couldn't attend but showed support through donations, tweets and messages should be very proud.

Very proud indeed.

Matilda's legacy lives on and this is just the beginning!

So many families. So many friendships. So many memories. 

So much love.

All because of one special little girl.

Matilda Mae

2nd May 2012 - 2nd February 2013

9 months here. 9 months gone. But never forgotten.