Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Which Way To Turn?

Right now I really don't know which way to turn.

I'm struggling a little.

I know this blog post will turn into a rambling mess but I need a 'thought dump'. I apologise in advance if it doesn't make sense.

Life seems to be going at 100 miles an hour but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere or doing anything fulfilling. Maybe this is what being a stay-at-home-mum is like at its worst?

Maybe I'm not exactly 'loving it' at the moment.

Regular readers will notice large gaps in my posts over the past couple of months.

I spent most of September and the first part of October (yes, my food poisoning/stomach thing had a relapse) being really ill and it knocked me for six. To be perfectly honest, since then it's really made me think about things. I was that poorly that Matt (and I, if I'm honest) was really worried. It scared us. It made us both realise just how fragile life can be. Those times at the hospital when I was in agony and Matt felt so helpless were awful.

This morning I took TC to a soft-play centre. I needed to get out somewhere. Anywhere that wasn't shopping. I was going to meet up with the lovely Sarah who lives just down the road but she's poorly. It's a good job in a way as Sarah probably wouldn't have known what to do with me.

The song Firework by Katy Perry came on whilst I was there.

I welled up.

Then the tears became sobs.

Luckily there were only a couple of people in there and I was sat in a corner so was able to get away with it.

That song makes me think of Multiple Mummy and Matilda Mae.

It's funny but doing that in public made me realise something.

I'm feeling quite low.

Christmas is coming and everyone is getting excited.

I should be getting excited but deep down I'm not.

Yes, I am struggling.

Struggling to make sense of such a cruel world. Struggling to make sense of everything. Struggling not to be torn apart knowing that friends are suffering.

I want to make this Christmas so special for my family. It's our first Christmas in our lovely new home. We are having the whole of downstairs decorated and there is lovely colour everywhere. TC is more aware of everything this year. MC is beside herself with excitement and she's top of her class in school too. We have so much to look forward to but I just can't shake this feeling I have.

I'm also feeling like a failure. Everywhere I turn on social media I see posts and photos of lovingly home-cooked meals. I see photos of amazing crafts, brilliant messy-play, amazing days out and lots of fun and happiness.

I know most people only post the good stuff but I wonder how these people have the time to do the things that they do? I sometimes feel like my kids are living on pasta and fish fingers most of the time and we don't get out and about enough.

I know my kids are happy and loved and that's what counts but I still feel like I'm letting them down.

I'm also trying to decide what to do about my blog.

I have seriously 'lost that blogging feeling'.

I started this blog to document my life as a stay-at-home-mum and to give myself and my children memories. I've let us all down. Somedays I feel like quitting but blogging has brought me so much. It's brought me unbelievable amounts of love and support. More importantly, it's brought some amazing friends into my life.

At the moment though I don't see how I can fit blogging in. I am desperately trying to spend time with TC. He's growing up so quickly and I don't want him to grow up. Knowing he's my last baby pulls at my heart a little. My days are filled with spending time with my children. When MC's at school and TC has his afternoon nap I'm sorting washing or tidying the house. When the kids go to bed I want to spend time with Matt. We get so little time together on our own that our evenings (when he's not away with work) are so precious. I love my husband so much and the evenings are our time. I don't see how social media is going to fit in?

At the time this post goes live I have 182 un-read emails in my inbox because I really can't face going through them and the more I ignore them, the more they build up.

Anyway, I think I'm my own worst enemy.

When I'm feeling like this I cut myself off. I shy away from social media and I stay in the house a lot.

It doesn't do me any good.

Thankfully I have mainly good days but I also have a few bad days.

Luckily I recognise the signs.

I need a plan.

I need to know what I'm doing and where I'm going or I have a feeling I'll lose myself (and my blog) along the way. I need to shake off this doom and gloom feeling. This feeling that something really bad is going to happen to me or my family.

I need to feel happy all the time again.

I need to know which way to turn.

Watch this space...


Mama Syder said...

I've often wished blogging was around when my kids were small so I could read back on those times together, but in reality I know for a fact I would never of had the time. When my eldest two were little I struggled to have a bath let alone sit and write, there is no way I would of found the time to blog back then. To be honest I'm struggling to find the time now and my kids are all grown up! I'm also thinking of packing it all in...its just so time consuming.

Mums who appear to 'do it all' have days when they struggle too they just dont tell anyone or write about it. Being a Mum to two young kids is hard graft...I was constantly knackered. Sending you a hug xxx

Hurrah for gin said...

I fee you on this - I started blogging a few months ago to give me a sense of purpose but although it's done that i really struggle to keep up with it all - it's so much more time consuming that i had imagined.

I hope you find a way to make it all work and keep happy as you obviously have a talent for it :)

Looking for Blue Sky said...

You sound a bit overwhelmed heather, and I know that feeling really well! Give yourself a break from blogging if you need to. We'll still be here when you come back.

And as for Christmas, don't mind the ones you see in the magazines, I think they're mainly for show. What would your kids and husband really like? Here all my kids want is a BIG tree, that they can help to decorate with baubles and tinsel they have chosen themselves, and ornaments they made in school. And piles of resents underneath. No, it's not a themed tree, but it makes Christmas for them xxx

Ghostwriternummy said...

You aren't letting anyone down. You are allowed to take time out. Sending you lots and lots of love xxxxx

bod for tea said...

The build up to Christmas is always so full or marketing hype it's no wonder that we're all overwhelmed by it and fed up by Christmas Eve! Seriously though, listen to your heart and take a break from blogging for a while. We'll all still be here for when you're ready to come back. Enjoy the time with hubbie and take some pressure off yourself. Hugs xxx

cookiejarlife said...

massive hugs! I feel exactly the same way at the moment.
if you need to take a break go ahead, we will be here when you get back.
if you need someone to chat too i'm listening and so are a lot of other people.

hope things improve for you soon x x x

Lucy said...

Oh Heather it sounds like you are really struggling, and I'm so sorry to hear it. I think blogging can be a funny old thing. For me it makes me more determined to get out and do exciting things because we benefit and so does my blog, but at the same time, everyone always seems to be doing a much better job. Better days out, yummier meals, more creative activities, prettier photos; and sometimes I wonder if blogging makes me feel more like a failure that it should.
I hope you can make a plan and find your way back to us. I've always loved reading your blog and I've been sad to see it so quiet. But you have to do what it right for you. I always work on the basis of live first, blog second. And when I get stuck in a rut I just think about my kids reading it someday and that keeps me writing. Because if anything happened to me I think my legacy for my kids is in my blog and I want them to have that. x

sal said...

Hi Heather,

We've just read your blog and really felt for you. It sounds like you are having a hard time at the moment. It sounds like you feel pulled in lots of different ways, and your self esteem is low right now. I wanted to reassure you that lots of mums feel this way. You are not on your own.
I really hope you can talk to someone about how you're feeling, and get some reassurance (and a big hug -it sounds like you need it!). It might be useful to talk to someone who knows a bit about low moods too. Perhaps your GP if you have a nice approachable doctor, or your health visitor. Or you could call PANDAs, the ladies there are lovely and have experienced low times themselves.
Don't put pressure on yourself to keep blogging at the moment. Everyone will understand if you don't. It's far better that you spend the time getting a little TLC and spending time with those lovely children of yours. The most important thing at the moment is for you to look after yourself, so that you can continue to be the wonderful mum that you so clearly are. The world of social media will still be here when you want to come back to it.
And you can delete all those emails. If anything is important people will email you again!
I hope you feel better soon. Lots of love. Sal

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New Mum Online said...

Such a long time since I have read your blog. Fitting in blogging is so very time consuming, I struggle to read them too. Don't wish you were blogging more, it comes with consequences. I got the flat like a shiny new pin, blogged more and now it's a tip. Something always suffers. If you need to blog less, don't worry about it. Life is more important.

The way you are feeling may well be something in the air, as I am struggling too. Personally I think it is astrological deep energetic shifts that are happening in 2013, but I don't want to bombard you with all that. Sounds like marriage and kids are all great. It's an internal battle you are having with your daemons which you WILL win.

Getting it off your chest in this post is the beginning of winning the inner war.

Let the feelings out and let them float away. What you resist persists, so don't resist where this personal inner journey is taking you.

Good on you for being brave enough to write this post - I am honoured to have read it. Sending you much love,
Liska xxxxx

Becky Arber said...

Heather just keep swimming! Do the best you can and when in doubt have a bath and eat chocolate. It helps me ;)

mummydaddyme said...

After reading your post I felt like I had to comment and read this post Heather. I am sorry you are feeling low and I can sympathise with what you are saying. I love blogging but sometimes it does make you feel like a failure. I sometimes think I focus on it too much and I probably should think more like you- that it doesn't matter, so why do I continue to write the posts. Sometimes I neglect the housework, or the tidying so in nap time I can sit on the computer. Why do I do that? Why does it matter? And in the evenings both hubby and I will sit on the computers, doing work. Why? Sometimes it does all get a bit much. But then at the same time, the benefits that blogging has bought to my life mean I will continue to do it, but it does all get a bit much every now and again.
This time of year always has a funny affect on me. I know life is fragile but for some reason, this time of year makes it all feel so much worse, and I feel so sad for those that are suffering. I get torn between feeling happy and festive for my girls, but then at the same time I feel sad and just a bit low. It happens every year, it is an emotional time.
I am thinking of you and I hope that you start to feel a bit brighter soon. x

SAHMlovingit said...

Thanks Katie. I think blogging is great, don't get me wrong, but I think I've come to realise over this last year that I want to try and find a happy balance. I used to read so many wonderful blogs but now I hardly get time to write my own blog, nevermind reading anyone else's. My evenings are so precious too but I think I may try and spend one evening a week blogging/reading etc. to try and find that happy ground as I've decided I don't want to stop blogging - I want it to be there as a memory for me and my kids when they're older xx
p.s. I'm feeling much better and actually starting to look forward to Christmas a little :)

SAHMlovingit said...

Thanks Becky :) *runs off to the chocolate drawer* xx

SAHMlovingit said...

Oh Liska, how lovely to see you commenting on my blog. I'm made up :) Thank you for your lovely comment. I think your one line "Life is more important." is spot on. Blogging is great, don't get me wrong, I love it but real life has far more to offer right now. Thanks again for taking time out to comment and, thankfully, I'm feeling SO much better xx

SAHMlovingit said...

What an absolutely lovely comment, Sal. Thank you. I think a lot of it is to do with the time of year. It's almost a year since Kerry past and I know Jennie is facing a horrendous Christmas without her baby girl.
Since I posted this I've done a lot of soul searching and realised I can't change what people are going through and by being down myself I am not being the best person I can be to support them anyway so I'm trying to hard to focus on being the happy person I know I want to be and look forward to Christmas. Matt and I took a night out on Sunday and booked ourselves into a hotel in Manchester as a treat, did the Christmas markets and went to a comedy show. As much as we hate being apart from them it was lovely to be away from the kids (they stayed with my parents) and have some time just for ourselves. Thank you again, I'm feeling much better xx

SAHMlovingit said...

You're so right about the whole legacy thing, Lucy and that's what keeps me from shutting my blog down.

Thank you so much for your very kind words. I am feeling so much better (as you now know from my Me & Mine post on Saturday) and starting to look forward to Christmas. I know its coming up to a year ago that Kerry passed away and that is weighing heavy on my mind but I will be lighting candles for Kerry and Matilda this Christmas too.

Oh and there is NO WAY you could ever thing anyone takes prettier photos than you! You're are gorgeous, as is your blog, you, hubby and kids :) xx

SAHMlovingit said...

Thank you so much for taking time out to comment on my post Alyson. It made me smile. SInce I posted this I've done a lot of soul searching. I've also taken your advice and got out every single day - even if it's just taking TC down the road on his scooter to get some fresh air and it has worked. I feel like I may actually start to be looking forward to Christmas a little. I'm not looking forward to having all of my inlaws staying overnight Christmas Day (the downside of now owning a big house *weeps*) but I am looking forward to MC being off school, Matt being off work and just trying to get some family time together as that seems few and far between right now.
Really hope I see you in 2014 as I only saw you briefly this year. Would be good to catch up properly xx

SAHMlovingit said...

Thank you Chloe. Sorry to hear you're feeling the same way. I hope things improve for you soon too. Think it must be something in the air xx

SAHMlovingit said...

Thank you lovely lady. I'm feeling much better since I posted this but yes, this time of year has a strange impact on people doesn't it? I hope you're well and sorry I've been a bit rubbish this year…can you believe it's almost 3 years since we started blogging?!?! How crazy! xx

SAHMlovingit said...

I know you posted this two weeks ago and I know I've spoken to you since but thank you. Even though it was in the most awful of circumstances I'm glad we formed a friendship this year xx

SAHMlovingit said...

That sounds lovely C. Trees like that are the best - so full of character.
I'm SO much better than I was a couple of weeks ago when I wrote this post. You will have seen me more active on FB as a result. I'm going to take it easy and try and look forward to Christmas. Thank you xx

SAHMlovingit said...

Thanks lovely. Yes, blogging can dominate your life. I think everyone needs to find a happy balance that suits them xx

SAHMlovingit said...

Thank you for this lovely comment. Sorry it's taken me a while to respond but I wanted to see how I felt over the following couple of weeks. I'm pleased to say I'm feeling much better and I'm more focused on the important things.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't stop blogging. Your (award winning!) blog is beautiful xx


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