Right now I really don't know which way to turn.
I'm struggling a little.
I know this blog post will turn into a rambling mess but I need a 'thought dump'. I apologise in advance if it doesn't make sense.
Life seems to be going at 100 miles an hour but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere or doing anything fulfilling. Maybe this is what being a stay-at-home-mum is like at its worst?
Maybe I'm not exactly 'loving it' at the moment.
Regular readers will notice large gaps in my posts over the past couple of months.
I spent most of September and the first part of October (yes, my food poisoning/stomach thing had a relapse) being really ill and it knocked me for six. To be perfectly honest, since then it's really made me think about things. I was that poorly that Matt (and I, if I'm honest) was really worried. It scared us. It made us both realise just how fragile life can be. Those times at the hospital when I was in agony and Matt felt so helpless were awful.
This morning I took TC to a soft-play centre. I needed to get out somewhere. Anywhere that wasn't shopping. I was going to meet up with the lovely Sarah who lives just down the road but she's poorly. It's a good job in a way as Sarah probably wouldn't have known what to do with me.
The song Firework by Katy Perry came on whilst I was there.
I welled up.
Then the tears became sobs.
Luckily there were only a couple of people in there and I was sat in a corner so was able to get away with it.
That song makes me think of Multiple Mummy and Matilda Mae.
It's funny but doing that in public made me realise something.
I'm feeling quite low.
Christmas is coming and everyone is getting excited.
I should be getting excited but deep down I'm not.
Yes, I am struggling.
Struggling to make sense of such a cruel world. Struggling to make sense of everything. Struggling not to be torn apart knowing that friends are suffering.
I want to make this Christmas so special for my family. It's our first Christmas in our lovely new home. We are having the whole of downstairs decorated and there is lovely colour everywhere. TC is more aware of everything this year. MC is beside herself with excitement and she's top of her class in school too. We have so much to look forward to but I just can't shake this feeling I have.
I'm also feeling like a failure. Everywhere I turn on social media I see posts and photos of lovingly home-cooked meals. I see photos of amazing crafts, brilliant messy-play, amazing days out and lots of fun and happiness.
I know most people only post the good stuff but I wonder how these people have the time to do the things that they do? I sometimes feel like my kids are living on pasta and fish fingers most of the time and we don't get out and about enough.
I know my kids are happy and loved and that's what counts but I still feel like I'm letting them down.
I'm also trying to decide what to do about my blog.
I have seriously 'lost that blogging feeling'.
I started this blog to document my life as a stay-at-home-mum and to give myself and my children memories. I've let us all down. Somedays I feel like quitting but blogging has brought me so much. It's brought me unbelievable amounts of love and support. More importantly, it's brought some amazing friends into my life.
At the moment though I don't see how I can fit blogging in. I am desperately trying to spend time with TC. He's growing up so quickly and I don't want him to grow up. Knowing he's my last baby pulls at my heart a little. My days are filled with spending time with my children. When MC's at school and TC has his afternoon nap I'm sorting washing or tidying the house. When the kids go to bed I want to spend time with Matt. We get so little time together on our own that our evenings (when he's not away with work) are so precious. I love my husband so much and the evenings are our time. I don't see how social media is going to fit in?
At the time this post goes live I have 182 un-read emails in my inbox because I really can't face going through them and the more I ignore them, the more they build up.
Anyway, I think I'm my own worst enemy.
When I'm feeling like this I cut myself off. I shy away from social media and I stay in the house a lot.
It doesn't do me any good.
Thankfully I have mainly good days but I also have a few bad days.
Luckily I recognise the signs.
I need a plan.
I need to know what I'm doing and where I'm going or I have a feeling I'll lose myself (and my blog) along the way. I need to shake off this doom and gloom feeling. This feeling that something really bad is going to happen to me or my family.
I need to feel happy all the time again.
I need to know which way to turn.
Watch this space...