When A Friend Loses A Baby #MMRemembers

Almost a year ago today Susanne and I were relative strangers, having met once at an event. Almost a year ago today we travelled together to Kent to the funeral of another relative stranger, Jennie, who'd lost her baby girl to SIDS.

A year.

A whole year.

It only seems like yesterday now.

7th March 2013.

We stood together in that church shaking, crying and holding hands and we spoke. Spoke about Matilda's legacy and the blogging community.

A lot has happened in that year.

Sadness. So much sadness.

But one thing I am so glad of. One thing I'll always be glad of.

We have all become good friends.

Today, as this post goes live, Susanne and I will be back at that little church in Kent to speak together again at Matilda Mae Remembers - a service to remember all the babies in the sky.

I wanted to share our words with you today…

One year ago we stood here in tears

as we tried so hard to explain

how Matilda had touched so many lives

how many were feeling the pain.

We're not sure we realised how hard it would be

to see a friend suffer like that

to see a friend say goodbye -

nothing can prepare you for that.

But we know that this is not our grief

we do not have the right

to cry and to feel sad and wish so hard

that things were different that night.

All we can tell you is all that we know

that seeing a friend suffer is hard.

Watching her move through the days as she does

with achingly empty arms.

***

When a friend loses a baby your world starts to rock - 

It's all so surreal and you're left feeling shocked.

You read the words over and it doesn't sink in,

You know not what to do, nor where to begin.

When a friend loses a baby you weep for her loss,

You mourn, you feel low, but you also get cross.

How could this baby be taken away?

On what was to us just a normal day?

When a friend loses a baby you know not what to say,

It's at time like this that you wish you could pray.

But you know that nothing will bring the comfort she needs,

You sit and watch as her broken heart bleeds.

When a friend loses a baby you stumble and fall,

You cuddle your little ones tight in a ball.

Sleep doesn't come easy; you are always aware,

Checking on breathing and stroking their hair.

When a friend loses a baby you feel helpless and scared,

Her baby's been taken and yours was spared.

And then the guilt hits - you know what you've got,

You have your baby and your friend does not.

When a friend loses a baby you know that she hides,

The things she is feeling deep down inside.

Her smile is a mask since that night with the cot,

People tell her she's strong, but really she's not.

When a friend loses a baby there is not much to do,

Except to hope it's enough to be you.

When a friend loses a baby I guess she just needs,

Some time and some space to just simply grieve.

2nd May - Tilda's Day

It's just a date, right?

Well, yes it is, of course.

But this is a date that will be in many people's hearts and minds for the rest of their lives.

A date when an amazing mother and father should have been celebrating the 1st birthday of their beautiful baby girl, Matilda Mae.

It's not right.

It's not fair.

I've been struggling all week. Not knowing what to write. My heart is heavy and my mind can't concentrate.

I have a book that I write in each day that my best friend bought me. It's a five year book that asks a question each day, so you can compare your answers over 5 years. A couple of weeks back the words read something like "I wish I could stop ____________ from happening".

I wrote 'cot death'.

I don't think my answer will change, even by 2018.

As I look at Tiny Ched, I think of Tilda and everything she should be. Everything that Jennie and David have lost.

2nd May will be a date, just like 2nd February and 7th March that will live with me forever.

Pink angel slices for a sweet angel

I've made plans for today. Plans to celebrate Matilda's short life and honour her birthday in some small way. I'm meeting Susanne and Lisa with our children for a picnic in the park. We are meeting where we will be walking a mile in memory of Matilda in less than two weeks.

We are going to blow bubbles and enjoy pink treats. I'm also dressing myself and the kids in pink and purple.

There will be lots of tears (I have invested in a multipack of tissues) but there will be happiness too. Susanne and I have a unique bond from our journey to Tilda's funeral and back and I know, when I see her tomorrow, all those memories will come flooding back.

We will, as we have done everyday, think of David, Jennie and Matilda Mae.

Then tonight, as the sun sets on 2nd May, I will be lighting a candle for Matilda as her parents say goodbye to their precious little girl in a way that Jennie describes so beautifully.

It's something no parent should have to do and I hope they somehow find the strength to get through it.

It's not just a date. It's a remembrance and a celebration.

Of a short life.

Of a life of love and beauty.

It's also a time to reflect.

Of what could have been.

Of what should have been.

2nd May.

A date that will never be forgotten.

Tilda's day.

Happy 1st Birthday in the sky sweet angel xx

I've blogged before about an auction taking place in memory of Matilda Mae. This auction will be running from 11th May - 20th May 2013 with all proceeds going to The Lullaby Trust (formerly FSID).  They help support families, like Jennie's, who have experienced the loss of a baby from sudden infant death syndrome. 

There is an ever growing list of generous people and companies who have donated to the auction and full details of everything available will be online soon. Please help support the auction in any way you can by bidding, tweeting, posting on Facebook, emailing etc. Get the word out there!

If you require any further information, you can contact Jennie or Susanne.

This post was written as part of a blog hop for Matilda's 1st Birthday. You can view the other entries here: