#MeAndMine - A Family Portrait (November...AND October)

If you've been reading my blog lately you'll notice a severe lack of activity. My last post explains why. I've always joined in with Me & Mine but I missed Octobers. I was so busy after my birthday and the Matilda Mae Welly Walk was very much my focus at the end of the month. I was feeling pretty emotional and despite having some photos from October I couldn't quite bring myself to blog.

November has been a strange month. It's flown by seriously fast. Christmas is just around the corner but my heart has been heavy. I spent the other week in a bit of a mess. I got myself in a rut, a rut that I couldn't see a way out of. Matt was away with work which didn't help and I was a teary mess with a 20 month old with severe separation anxiety.

This last week I've turned a corner. A couple of meet ups with some of my best friends has brought me out of myself. Blogging also helped and I love the support network that it offers. I received lots of DM's, tweets and texts as well as blog comments (which, I will reply to every single one - thank you). I've made sure I get out every day for some fresh air and I've done more 'spur of the moment' things for myself and for the family.

Anyway, the upshot of it all is that I'm going to start putting myself first more and have some 'me' time. I think as mothers we're just programmed to put everyone else first and it can take it's toll. I have friends going through seriously hard times - financial worries, illnesses and losses of loved ones - but I can't let it bring me down as much as it has been doing. I usually look forward to Christmas but this year I haven't been at all.

I can't let that be.

I can't let my mood ruin my children's Christmas. One of my friends said to me the other night that children bounce off their parents moods and maybe that's a major source of TC's separation anxiety?

Who knows.

I know I have to focus more on my life and, in turn, the life of my family.

It doesn't mean I don't love my friends...
It doesn't mean I don't care...
It doesn't mean they won't always be in my thoughts...

I just have to try to be a better mother, wife, daughter, sister etc. This will also ensure I'm strong enough to support my friends as much as I possibly can too.

Yesterday my parents had the kids for me all day. I got so much done! I didn't stop but the day was great and, as much as I missed the kids, it was lovely to only have to think about myself for the day for once. I even treated myself to a gel polish manicure.

Before I ramble on anymore, I'm cheating a little this month to make up for last month. I'm posting photos from November AND October to make up for my month lost.

In October we visited the beautiful Llangollen Railway which isn't far from us. We went there to meet Thomas and Friends for 'A Day Out With Thomas'. TC has a major fascination with Thomas the Tank Engine but MC loved the day just as much. The weather was a mixed bag of sun and showers and we managed to dodge the worst of the rain. It was a great day. Here are a few of my favourite (and silly) snapshots from the day.

In November we were lucky enough to meet one of my closest friends Claire of Claire Penn Photography. We went out for a family day and she took a few family photographs for us. I'd like to share two of my favourites.

As well as being a truly awesome friend, Claire is one seriously talented wedding photographer. Her wedding photography just stops me (and everyone else) in their tracks. If you are getting married, or know someone who is, then I can highly recommend Claire - although her photography speaks for itself - and she travels all over the place to shoot amazing weddings. Just look and be amazed!

So, I'm starting to look forward to Christmas in our new home now and I'm determined to look after myself more. In fact, after 5 years of wanting, I'm booked in to have laser eye surgery in January.

I'm going to make sure that 2014 is not just a new year but a new, more positive, me.

Now head over to the lovely Lucy's blog for more Me & Mine delights.

Being 'Me' For The Weekend

Unless you've had your head in the sand over the past month, you will know of the tragic passing of the beautiful 9 month old daughter of Jennie, Matilda Mae.

This tragedy has completely rocked the blogging community. Even people who have never met Jennie have been so moved by her story and are in pieces that something so unimaginable has devastated her life.

Tiny Ched is just a month older than Matilda. I think this is maybe why I, like others with children around the same age, have really felt it. I now openly admit that, even now, I can sob at a moments notice. The this tragedy has affected me like nothing before. 

TC has his 1st birthday 28th March and it's breaking my heart knowing that Jennie will never get to celebrate any of Matilda's birthdays. I really need to make his birthday extra special but I've been struggling somewhat.

But this weekend has helped me a little.

Sometime last year a close friend of mine asked me and some other of her friends to go on a weekend away to Edinburgh for her 40th birthday. Obviously I jumped at the chance. My favourite U.K. city and a bunch of lovely ladies - there was no doubt I was going to be there.

However, I've found it really hard being away from the kids lately and the thought of leaving them and Matt for 2 nights and 3 whole days filled me with dread. I had never left TC for more than 4 hours before and I'd only ever left MC overnight. I hated the thought that something could happen and me not be there. Matt's Grandmother had also passed away a week and a half earlier and I knew Matt and his family were feeling it.

"I don't think I want to go" was what I was saying inside but deep down I knew that it would do me good and I wanted to be there with my friends. I knew we'd have fun despite my feelings.

So I went.

To be honest, the day before I started to feel more comfortable with my decision to go and the excitement started to kick in. 3 of the girls (there were 9 of us in total) I class as some of my closest friends and I knew we'd have fun.

Friends and fun - the perfect pick me up

And do you know what? 

Despite hardly getting any sleep the 2 nights I was away, I totally loved the weekend! 

I feel a bit drained from it (we had Matt's Grandma's funeral the day after I got back) but I'm happy. I don't think I've laughed that hard in a while - you know where you laugh so much that your face and stomach actually ache? I was able to relax, I was able to forget about things for a while and be 'me' rather than just a wife and mother.

It was just what I needed.

I've started to plan the kids birthday's (MC also has hers 11th March) over the last couple of days and I'm looking forward to trying to make them as special as possible. The tragic events over the past few months have made me realise more than ever to grab opportunities with both hands, to not get down about things and live for the moment. You really never know what life can throw at you until it's too late.

It hasn't stopped me thinking about everything that's happened but it's made me refocus.

It's also made me realise I need to make time for me. As well as our family holiday in May, I'm looking forward to my night away in a posh hotel for BritMums. Roll on June when I can be 'me' for another night!

If you wish, you can donate to BLISS in the memory of Matilda Mae here

Silent Sunday #56

Inspired by...

Silent Sunday #37

I is for... I

I as in 'me'.  Self indulgent, I know.  However this is about the 'blogging' me.

On the way to the train station a few weeks back the taxi driver asked me where I was going to.

"London"

"Anything nice?" he replied

"Yes, it's a conference"

He looked confused "A conference? Doesn't sound that nice. What's it for?"

"It's called CyberMummy. It's for parents who blog"

Cue a confused look on his face (it was only 5.20am though) "What's a blog?"

I tried to explain in my semi-conscious state.

"Why do you do that?" he looked puzzled.

It got me thinking.

A lot.

If you're not a blogger and you don't read blogs then blogging can be difficult to explain.  Why would some people want to blog their innermost thoughts? Why would some people want to essentially have a diary online for anyone to see?  Why would some people want to tell the world all about their life?

Some people blog for therapy, some blog to make their voice heard, some want to be writers, some want to do reviews, some want to get freebies, some blog anonymously, some are very much out there telling the world about anything and everything.  Bloggers are diverse, we share stories and we support each other and that's why I love it so much.  I was embraced so much by the world of blogging when I started at the beginning of the year and I'll be forever thankful for that.  I've made some fantastic friends through blogging, many I got to meet personally at Blog Camp and Cybermummy.  Of course, I've seen some 'disagreements' in the blogging world but you get that in real life, it's par for the course.

Over the past couple of months my blog has taken a downturn.  This was due to my holiday in Italy (I still need to blog about that!) and then picking up some freelance marketing work - I've let things slide.  I haven't been on Twitter much, I haven't been involved in conversations, I haven't been commenting on other peoples amazing posts (sorry I am lurking occasionally).  Basically blogging has taken a total back seat but it doesn't phase me.

I haven't got a top blog and I'm not after being a top blog, in fact, as most of you know, I felt really uncomfortable when my blog made it into the top 100 of the Tots rank a few months back. I feel more comfortable being where I am now.  Being a finalist in the MAD Awards was a total shock to me.  I know I won't win it but it doesn't phase me at all as I know there are far more worthy blogs than mine and just to be a finalist is far from any expectations I ever had.

I guess what I'm trying to say in all this is that I just want to enjoy my life and my blog.

So why do I blog?

I blog to share past stories and photographs.

I blog because it's my personal space to do with what I want.

I blog as place to document my journey as a stay at home mum with Mini Cheddar.

I blog because it's somewhere I can look back on in years to come and laugh (or cry) at moments I've shared.

I blog so Mini Cheddar can be proud of her mummy.

I blog so she can enjoy her childhood in the written word when she's old enough to read it.

I blog as a release.

I blog to get my thoughts down.

I blog for fun.

I blog to build friendships.

I blog because I want to.

I blog because I like to.

I blog for my daughter.

I blog for me.

Part of my A to Z posts

Click the button for info

Does My Belly Look Big In This?

Photo credit: luigi diamanti

It's usually "does my bum look big in this?", I know.

Thing is, I've been lucky enough never to struggle with weight gain over the years.  When I went past the age of 30 (*cough* over 6 years ago) I finally felt normal.

Up until then, in school especially, I was always the 'skinny' one.  I got teased in primary school for being thin. "Ethiopian" I'd hear them shout. Kids can be so bloody cruel!  I had HUGE ridiculous glasses too which were 'all the rage' then apparently. Oddly though, I never struggled with male attention - despite looking like the off-spring of Deirdre Barlow!

In my teens I was still thin but once I turned 21 I started to fill out a lot more but I was still very slim. In my mid twenties I was happier with my body and my stomach was so toned/slim that I had a feminine 6-pack. I've never gone over a size 10-12 (38-40) and I know a lot of people, friends included, who would kill for that.

However, when I hit my late 20's/early 30's that's when I developed what's known in our family as 'The Robinson legs'. They stem from my Mums side of the family. Mum too, like me, had a great set of pins on her when she was younger but all of a sudden they filled out. The same thing has happened to me. I hate my legs. Actually, no, I loathe my legs. I hate the summer time when everyone starts wearing shorts. Most of the time you'll see me in linen trousers even when it's scorching - that's how much I hate them. They also never tan so they resemble the shade of Casper The Friendly Ghost most of the time.

People always think that thinner people are happy with their bodies - they aren't. I still squirm and get offended when someone calls me 'skinny' and I point out my thighs to them. I guess those are scars from my school days that have never really healed.

I put on 3 stone in weight when I was pregnant with Mini Cheddar.  6 months of solid breast-feeding saw the weight come straight off. Since having her my body has taking a battering. I don't have any stretch-marks but my boobs have headed south and it's my belly that's starting to become a problem. I'm forever sucking in it for fear of my parents people thinking I'm pregnant. I'm not.

I've just tried a new top on that I've bought. It's lovely but it ties under my boobs. I study myself in the mirror. In my eyes I look pregnant. I'm not sure if it's the cut of the top or the fact that most of my old maternity tops were cut in this way so I'm just paranoid that people will think I'm expecting. BMC (Before Mini Cheddar) I was always wearing tops like that.

Mind you, before I had Mini Cheddar I could sneeze without thinking I was going to pee my pants.

I guess times have changed.

Flashback Friday - Holiday Camp

This weeks Flashback Friday post was sparked by my memories of holiday camps which I talked about in this post earlier this week.

When I was little we always went on holidays in the U.K.  I didn't actually go on a plane until I was 12. Oh how times have changed...my husband and I took Mini Cheddar to Lanzarote when she was 13 months old.

For me though, our caravan holidays were fabulous...they were always like a big adventure.  Most of the time we were only about an hour and a half away from home (usually at Black Rock Sands) but for my Sister and I it felt like we were thousands of miles away.  I never ever thought it was strange that my Grandma and Grandad would always join us one of the weekends we were away.

We would always end up making friends with other children on the campsite and be off playing all day and then off on the dancefloor boogying away to some 80's tunes at night.

This picture was taken at Black Rock Sands with two girls that my Sister and I became friends with whilst we were there.  My Sister is the one in the pink dress grinning like a Cheshire Cat.  I'm the one on the end scratching my foof.

:-)

Filling In The Blanks

My lovely friend Wendy from Inside The Wendy House has tagged me in a lovely meme where you are given prompts and you have to 'fill in the blanks'.  The meme originates from this lovely blog here if you fancy joining in.

Here goes...

1. I am...  a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin, a loyal friend, a lover, a companion, a bit of a tom-boy, a photography lover, a film critic, a food lover, a dog owner, an animal lover, a worrier.

2. The bravest thing I've ever done...  was admit that my first marriage was over and not worth continuing.

Photo credit - my fabulous friend Claire Penn

3. I feel prettiest when...  I have my daughter in my arms and her smile makes me smile naturally with openness and unconditional love.

4. Something that keeps me awake at night is... anxiety.  There I said it.

5. My favourite meal in the entire world is... roast beef (cooked with ginger, garlic and rosemary), homemade yorkshire puddings and roast potatoes made with goose fat and semolina.

6. The way to my heart is... honesty, loyal friendship and laughter.  Or a roast beef dinner ;)

7. I would like to be able to be strong enough to stand up for myself sometimes.

Flashback Friday - Me, Tina and the beloved Vauxhall

Well, as I'm useless I've only just discovered the lovely Karin has started a new blog hop of 'golden oldie' photos.  I absolutely adore looking at old photos so I'm really looking forward to this one!

This is little old me outside our old house in a village called Mynydd Isa.  It was probably taken in about 1977-1978 I reckon as we moved from this house in 1979 when I was almost 5.  That's not a stuffed toy, that's the family dog - a toy poodle called Tina who I used to wind up something rotten...poor pooch.

Star of the show though (and probably the reason my Dad took this photo) is the trusty old Vauxhall Cresta in the background.  My Mum & Dad actually met at Vauxhalls in Luton, Bedfordshire so they have ALWAYS had Vauxhall cars.  Even now my Dad drives an Omega and my Mum drives a Corsa. Sad.

Why not air your photo memories and link up with Karin?