Today My Kids Broke Me

I know friends are going through heartbreaking or tough times and I hate myself for moaning but today my kids broke me.

Those of you who read my blog a couple of weeks ago will know we have been struggling with MC not wanting to go to school.

Well, despite her being ill all over the half-term she went back to school fine on Monday. I was expecting tears but none came as she happily kissed me goodbye at the gate. I was worried about Tuesday as I had to take TC on the school run with us but again she surprised me by happily skipping into school (encouraged by the fact she knew she was 'Helpwr Heddiw' - that means she was going to be the 'Helper Today' for those don't speak Welsh).

She was leading me into a false sense of security.

Today she had her biggest 'I don't want to go to school' meltdown so far. Even bigger than the last time.

It wasn't helped by the fact I'm not feeling well at the moment.

But what makes it worse is that it was in public.

Outside the school in fact.

We were already late. It didn't help.

We had to park far away from the school. I could've just pulled it up on the pavement or at a junction near the school like a lot of the inconsiderate people who are too lazy/busy to walk a bit other parents but I didn't.

TC wasn't for walking fast. I was constantly asking him to hurry up and stop staring longingly at trucks and buses as they passed. I felt like a horrible mother.

We crossed over the road to the school and that's when it all started.

"I don't want to go to school, Mummy!" my daughter cried.

"You have to, sweetheart".

"But I don't want to! I want to stay home with you and my brother!".

That's when the tears started.

"We are going to be late and you'll go into the late book" I said. It was probably the wrong thing to say but I was conscious it was 8.37am. Exactly 3 more minutes and the doors to her class would shut and we'd have to make the walk of shame to reception to sign in late.

That's when the screaming started.

"DON'T MAKE ME GO TO SCHOOL!"

Wave after wave of sobbing followed by various other remarks about her lack of love for school.

All whilst trying to fight my way through the vast tide of parents walking towards us after already dropping their little darlings off.

By this time I was practically dragging both children towards the gate.

I really felt like the worst mother ever.

Other parents wondering what on earth was wrong with my child that she hated school so much she was sobbing uncontrollably.

TC had decided he wanted to chase a truck he'd seen, I had to drag him through the school gate and eventually he opted for a sit down crying protest in the school playground.

I tried to walk MC towards the door of school.

She was still sobbing.

One of the teachers saw me struggling and came out and helped.

Some gentle persuasion and distraction and MC was quickly taken inside without a kiss or hug from me. I was left standing alone in the playground staring at TC who was still sitting crying.

I scooped him up and slowly made my way back to the car (after a quick diversion to go and look at a digger across the road).

Then I cried.

I pulled myself together eventually and rang my Sister and then rang Matt. Matt went away on Monday and won't be back until tomorrow night. I hate him being away so much.

Part of me wanted to go home and open a bottle of wine have a cup of tea but I drove over to Ikea in Warrington. TC and I ate a late breakfast and then I had some stuff to collect.

It was all going well and I was starting to feel better when some bright spark at Ikea thought it was a good idea to display a train track on a play table.

Could I get TC away from it?

I don't think I need to answer that.

The boy is obsessed with trains, cars, buses, helicopters - any transport in fact - and there was no moving him. I left him to play for a while until I decided it was time to go.

He wouldn't budge.

I tried reasoning with him (not easy with a 23 month old).

I even tried distracting him with a football (his other love).

Nothing was working.

There was nothing left to do but go get him.

That was when the whole of Ikea heard him!

The meltdown was epic.

It wasn't just an average tantrum though. He swiped my face. He grabbed my hair and wouldn't let go. A guy from the warehouse came to my aid as I was wrestling him and trying to retain some dignity (not an easy task). The guy tried to distract him but to no avail. Eventually the two of us got TC in the trolley and I thanked him and quickly moved away from the hoards of people I thought must be judging me.

A middle-aged woman touched my arm and smiled at me "We've all been there dear" she said.

That's when I felt myself going.

I smiled back, mumbled something nice to her and I went into a corner behind some boxes.

Then I cried.

Again.

I pulled myself together (again) and continued my shopping hell experience through Ikea, heart pounding.

At the checkouts a few people where staring at me. I thought they must have seen me and the 'toddler battle' earlier.

Once I'd bent TC into the car seat - when I say 'bent' I mean got him to bend as he likes to scream and turn himself into a plank as he hates getting in the car - he went straight to sleep before I'd even started the car.

I glanced at myself in the mirror.

TC had drawn blood where he'd swiped me and I had walked around Ikea with a huge blob of dried blood on my face.

So THAT'S what the people at the checkout were looking at me for.

I drove home in a daze. Feeling like the worst mum ever (again).

Thoughts of MC and her school protest weighing heavily on my mind.

At 3.10pm I picked her up. TC had wanted to take his Micro Scooter and so I took MC's too. After school we went to the park. We went on the swings and we also ran around pretending to be monsters. Happy times.

It was lovely to just have simple fun with them both.

I started to feel the badness of the day dispel a little.

Because TC had an early sleep today he was really tired this evening. Getting him ready for bed was an awful battle. He didn't want me to change his nappy and started kicking me wildly.

I tried to distract him with toys in his room but he wouldn't have any of it.

He started kicking harder.

"Stop kicking Mummy" I said calmly over and over again.

I was close to tears through sheer exhaustion when MC came into the room with a small bell she had found.

"Look TC! Look at this! You can have it and jangle it" she said passing it to him.

He took it happily and the kicking stopped.

Then she turned to me and said "I didn't want TC to upset you Mummy so thought I'd come and save you".

After I'd changed TC he stood up and kissed me.

Yes my kids broke me today.

But they also fixed me too.

Butter wouldn't melt

Failing My Daughter

Mini Cheddar started full-time school in Reception in September.

She's excelled.

We always knew she was bright but, at just 4 years of age, she's already on stage 7 of the Oxford Reading Tree. Her reading, writing and spelling continues to amaze her teacher and she's polite and well-mannered at school. She was even given the Head Teachers award last term and now her name is clearly written in the 'Golden Book' for eternity.

We were all so proud.

So why do we have tears almost every morning?

Cries of "I don't want to go to school!" are a constant sound. It's exhausting me.

She says she's tired or her tummy hurts. This has been going on for weeks and is getting worse. I've had her to the doctors and she even had a day off school last week because of it.

This mornings meltdown was a particularly bad one. There weren't just tears. There was kicking, screaming and barricading the door.

It was immense.

The thing is, once she's in school she's fine. She loves it in fact.

Over the past few weeks I've been trying, unsuccessfully, to get to the bottom of it.

There were talks of two Year 2 boys, who I know had been a little bit pushy with her once previously, being the cause. I spoke to her teacher who said she'd look into it.

As someone who was bullied in Primary school by two older boys myself, my heart ached for my little girl at the thought of what she may be going through.

Apparently, when MC was taken to see their teacher, she thought it was all a big joke and started being silly.

I know that I would never have thought it was a joke when I was being bullied. I actually didn't tell anyone about it for months. Like MC, my mum took me to the doctors as she thought I was ill.

I wasn't.

I just wanted to play with my friends at break time and not be pinned up against the wall and made to play kiss chase or I'd "get a smack!"

My parents argued about my behaviour as they didn't know what was wrong. Eventually it all came out after my poor mum, at her wits end, rang the Head Master when I locked myself in the bathroom one morning and refused to go to school.

Mum still recalls that day and it's etched in my memory too. I never forget hearing Mr. Darlington's voice outside my bathroom door. "Now Heather, are you going to walk with me or am I going to have to carry you?".

I obviously walked.

I remember feeling so small sat in his green Jaguar as we drove to the school to sort the whole mess out.

No. It isn't bullying that is bothering MC. I know this because she eventually admitted to me that it had only happened once.

It isn't illness. It isn't lack of friends. It isn't a lot of things that I've been tearing my hair out over lately.

No, I think the problem may be me.

I think I've failed my daughter.

For the past year I've neglected her feelings. Because she's so bright Matt and I forget she's only 4 most of the time. I see her as a much older girl, capable and content to do her own thing whilst I apply more of my attention to her, now toddler, little brother.

Tiny Ched is my last child. Matt and I said we would only have two children. I feel a little sad that my baby boy is growing up so quickly. There will be no more newborn snuggles in our house. No more newborn smells. No more excitement of those last few days of pregnancy or first few days of new motherhood. I do however know that what awaits us is much fun and laughter watching our two children grow up together. I'm eternally grateful to have two happy, healthy and beautiful children. They have an incredible bond already and dearly love each other.

However, since the passing of Matilda Mae last February I've been a lot more attached to TC. He has also been a lot more attached to me - in fact his separation anxiety hit a peak towards the later months of last year. This, added to the fact that he's our last, has maybe had an impact on MC's behaviour.

I deeply suspect she's attention-seeking in a bid to attract more love and attention from me and I feel guilty as hell for not giving her the attention that she maybe deserves.

Don't get me wrong, I give her attention. Of course I do. She's my first born, my daughter, my gorgeously lovely little girl and I love her and her brother equally. We share hugs and kisses, we play together, we craft and bake things together and Matt and I even have a few days that we go out just the three of us so we can share extra special time with her.

I just can't help but think I could be giving her more. We moved house a few weeks before the Summer break last year. This meant that a chunk of my attention was focused on getting the house straight over the school holidays. Then after this, MC was straight into being at school all day.

At Christmas we spent a lot of time just the four of us and there was a lot of play time. Then January and she's thrust back into school.

Last Wednesday she said she was poorly when she woke up. She did look tired and, after giving her the benefit of the doubt, I rang the school to say she wouldn't be in.

A couple of hours later she came downstairs after going back to sleep.

"I feel better now" she said smiling.

"Well let's get you into school as it's only 9.15am".

She got upset.

"I want to stay home and play with you and my brother".

I first suspected attention-seeking after this comment and it's been on my mind a lot. There have also been a number of tall tales that I know aren't at all true. I know children make up stories but some where a little too wild for my liking, like she was really trying to spark a reaction from me.

Anyway, the meltdown this morning has brought it all to a head. Eventually, after convincing her to go to school today (an agreement only reached by me saying I'd go into class with her), I spoke to her teacher. Like an emotionally exhausted wreck of a mother I got upset. Standing there with my bottom lip wobbling and tears stinging my eyes I felt like even more of a failure.

We agreed to sit down with MC after school today.

The meeting went well. I first sat down alone with her teacher whilst MC played outside the classroom. Her teacher told me that they'd had a chat again during the day. MC had mentioned a couple of things about home which I knew to be untrue so I told this to the teacher. Her teacher said it sounded like she was attention-seeking. I then told her my suspicions and we brought MC back into the room.

We didn't get much more out of MC but she did suddenly mention her bother. She also said "I wish I could stay at home with mummy and TC as I miss them".

I'm now convinced that this, along with how much attention I've shown TC over the last year, has all contributed to her behaviour.

It's hard being a parent.

There's no manual for the first-born and there sure as hell isn't a manual for the second.

You can read countless books, webpages and take advice from well-meaning people but, at the end of the day, most of the time you just have to wing it and hope you're doing your best.

I know I'm not a bad mother (even though I've felt completely inept all day) but I really do think I've been failing my daughter.

Now I'm busy making plans and my mind is whirring on how to make this right again.

Next week it's half term and I have to put things right. Tonight I've already started to ignore any of her bad behaviour (not that there's been any, really) and praise her when she's least expecting it. It resulted in her asking me to bath her tonight (it's usually daddy's job) and then her wanting me to stay with her and stroke her hair whilst we read her story.

I know she wants more of my attention.

I can feel it.

Next week I want to plan a week of fun and attention just for her. I want to try and reset the balance. I want to shut off my iPhone and I want to give her my undivided attention. I know that's not going to be easy with TC around but I know I have to do something. My daughter has suffered because of me.

Me.

As a mother it's one of the worst feelings you can feel. Feeling like you've been failing them.

I know now what I must do.

Here's to next week and undoing the failings.

Here's to being a better mother.

Here's to, I hope, a happier daughter.

That's the most important thing of all.

Back To School With F&F At Tesco

I don't do a huge amount of reviews on my blog, but those I do tend to benefit the kids or the house more than me. In actual fact, I can't remember the last time I had something that was just for me - if at all.

So, imagine how excited I am to be able to review something for little old me?

Okay, okay, so the thing for me was more of a treat for reviewing school uniforms from F&F (available exclusively at Tesco) but, so what?

I was able to spend £50 on school uniform and choose a 'school run' outfit for me for £50 too. Whoop!

So much excitement when the
uniform delivery arrived

I was excited for Mini Cheddar and I was excited for me! MC was beside herself...

MC starts reception class 4th September. She's been going to the nursery class at the school since last September and although they aren't required to wear uniform in nursery they all did. It was only 2.5 hours each morning so we didn't require much in the way of uniform but this year will be different. 5 days a week - 8.30am to 3.10pm. Eek.

'Big school' has been great for MC, she's been one of the top in her nursery class all year and, even though I'll miss her terribly each day, I'm excited for what the forthcoming years hold for her.

I'd been looking around at uniforms for a couple of weeks - pretty much as soon as the school holidays started - and the F&F range at Tesco looked like superb value for money.

I was right.

As soon as the items arrived I knew I'd made a great choice and I couldn't believe how much I managed to buy. In fact, I was struggling to spend the £50. I should have known when I saw the words 'Complete school uniforms from £10' on the website. Ordering online was really easy and the size charts were helpful too. MC will be 5 in March so I ordered everything aged 5-6 (apart from one pinafore and a pair of joggers) and they fit great with plenty of room to grow too. The plain white P.E. t-shirts are a tiny bit large but I think that's a good thing for P.E. as they don't want them too tight.

So here's what £50 (well, £51* actually) bought MC:

1 kilt school skirt (£4)
1 v-neck knitted school cardigan (£3)
1 ribbed waistband school joggers (£3)
2 belted flared school skirts (£5 each)
2 jersey school pinafores (£6 each)
2 pack of pique polo shirts (£2)
2 pack of school t-shirts (£2)
2 pack of cycling shorts (£3)
3 pack of super soft tights (£4)
5 pairs of pelerine knee high socks (£4)
5 pairs of trainer socks (£4)


Pretty impressive, right?

Struggling to hold the uniform haul

Well, yes.

I am impressed not only by the price but also the quality for the price. Obviously the uniform is yet to be tested by a 4 year olds full days at school but it certainly looks like it will put up a good fight so it will be really interesting to see how long everything lasts. I have heard pretty good things about the F&F uniforms though so I'm hopeful.

It's a dress so it got a big smile!

MC was really happy. She absolutely loved the pinafores but then she's obsessed with dresses!

I know she's wearing the pinafore without a polo shirt or jumper in the photo but I don't want to advertise her school colours on my blog (just my personal choice to protect her a little).

I would include a photo of her in her P.E. kit (plain colours) but she refused to be photographed in it. I'm sure she's 4 going on 14 sometimes!

Adjustable waistbands

I loved the skirts too. Not only are they super soft material and hang lovely, they have adjustable waistbands. Last year I bought MC a couple of school skirts from another well known supermarket and they didn't have adjustable waists to these really gets the thumbs up.

The only thing I was a little disappointed with was MC's school colours couldn't be found in certain places such as sock trims and dresses. It looks like I may have to rely on somewhere else to source these which is a shame.

But, the uniforms get the thumbs up from me and, more importantly, the thumbs up from MC!

I can't believe in a couple of weeks my baby girl is going to be in full time school. I also can't believe I'll have to face the school run at the two busiest times of the day.

*weep*

Good job that Tesco Clothing wanted me to choose a new school run outfit then, eh?

I've been making a conscious effort over the Summer to steer myself away from wearing jeans and t-shirts. I've even been sporting a few dresses - go me - so I thought I may treat myself to a dress or tunic for the school run. F&F had a huge range and I was spoilt for choice. After almost picking a red dress I saw a navy and cream lacy tunic that I fell in love with and the reviews looked fab. I teamed it up with a pair of blue leggings, some silver ballet pumps and also managed to get myself a lovely cardigan and a sequin scarf all for under £50.

Not many places you could get a full outfit, including shoes for under £50, especially one that looks this good.

Here's the exact run down on what I bought (total price £49*) with prices:

Two tone lace tunic (£20)
Plain leggings (£6)
Edge to edge ribbed cardigan (£12)
Sequin scarf (£4)
Metallic ballet pumps (£7)

Nothing but love for the tunic

The tunic is so lovely. I can wear it with jeans if I want to dress it down a bit or can even put it with a pair of heels for a night out but it will look so smart on the school run. It really is as lovely and as flattering as all the reviews say it is. I ordered a size 12 but I think I'm going to take it back and exchange it for a 10 as I think it will look even better a little more fitted.

The ballet pumps have already had plenty of use and the cardigan has on a couple of chilly evenings. I'm sure it won't be long and the scarf will be well used too.

Again, I'm impressed with the quality and value of the outfit. It looks like it cost a lot more than £49, that's for sure.

I know you're probably wishing I posted a photo of myself modelling the clothes but it's really not me and besides, my hair needs doing and it will just ruin the outfit. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

Delivery with Tesco Clothing online is free if you spend £50 or more which is great and it gets delivered in 2-5 working days. We ordered our items Tuesday and they arrived Friday morning. If you prefer you can have everything delivered to store for free and go and collect. You can also return items bought online to store which is really handy so I'll be taking my tunic back to exchange it for a different size.

We were sent 4 x £25 voucher codes to spend online

but all photographs (apart from Back To School logo), 
words, views and opinions are entirely my own.

*prices correct at time of writing

In A Stew About School

Those of you who follow my blog will know we moved house just over a week ago.

It's gone great, even better than we expected in fact (blog post to follow when I come out from under boxes!). We are totally in love with the house - it's perfect. It's one we have coveted since before TC was born. It's right next to where we used to live before our last house so we know the area very well and it's lovely to be living back here. We have everything we need and more. I'm happier than I've been in a long time.

Apart from one thing.

I'm in turmoil over Mini Cheddar's school.

We have only moved a couple of miles or so away. It takes a few minutes to drive down the road to our old house. The school that MC has her reception place at is near our old house. It's a really lovely school and she's been very happy there of a morning in her nursery class.

I thought when we moved I'd be happy for her to continue at this school. It means a short car journey - it's a bit too far to walk now - but it's been no bother.

The thing is, there is a school right around the corner from our new house. It's a smaller school. A lot smaller than her current one. Is smaller better?

The official reports say that her current school has the edge but people seem to rate the local school very highly and argue that this isn't the case.

I'm having sleepless nights at the moment trying to decide what to do for the best. The decision may be taken out of my hands - it could be that there aren't any places at the local school. I haven't checked but I'm going to investigate on Monday. In a way I'm hoping the decision is out of my hands, as selfish as that sounds.

I know MC wants to stay at her current school but she's only 4 years old and the reason she gave me (when she heard Matt and I discussing it last week) was that "the local school doesn't have a slide outside". The slide is in the nursery section anyway so she wouldn't have access to it in September - I've not broken that one to her yet!

Anyway, I'm worried that if she stays at her current school that neighbours children will be going to the local school so she'll have difficulty fitting in. I worry that in bad weather we won't be able to get into school. In the snow in March it was great to be able to sledge to school! I worry that when TC is old enough he won't get into the school as we live outside the catchment area and I would like them both to go to the same school. I worry that she may be missing out on more one-on-one education from a smaller school. Her recent school report said she's shy in school (anyone who knows my daughter in real life knows she's far from shy!) and I don't know if a smaller class would be better for this.

However, I'm worried that if I move her - she won't like it. I'm worried I'll regret it and then we are stuck.

What would you do?

Do you have any experience or advice?

I just can't seem to concentrate on anything else right now.

"It's Viral"

It's been one of THOSE weeks.

They seem to be happening on a regular basis at the moment.

Mini Cheddar has been ill.

Again.

I know I shouldn't moan as there are people who have children with long-term illness or special needs etc. but I need to vent a minor frustration.

Also, before I start, I would just like to point out that I have every respect for the NHS and it's staff. I think it's fantastic and, as a country we should celebrate it.

I also want to say that I totally respect working mums and how difficult it must be to cope with a sick child when you have to work etc. I really don't know how I would cope if I wasn't able to work from home when I choose.

But here goes...

MC was ill with a severe cough the other weekend. I kept her away from ballet class and off school for the Monday as she hadn't slept well the night before and, even though she wasn't running a fever, I knew a day off would do her good. She seemed to fight it off quickly and was back at school the next day and all that week. She went to ballet and a birthday party and everything was fine. At ballet class there was a little girl who was clearly very poorly. She looked so ill. She actually looked like she would pass out. She had a streaming cold and was coughing badly every 20 seconds. It was awful. She was coughing all over the other children and I cringed every time they were all holding hands.

2 days later MC suddenly started coughing severely. She was running a fever, looked dreadful and was off her food - not like her!

Great.

Her cough became so bad so quickly that Matt took her straight to the out of hours GP.

"It's viral", the doctor said after a quick check over "There's a lot of it about at the moment".

Those two words. IT'S VIRAL. Urgh!

A very pale MC in the doctors surgery

We knew that this is what we would be told as we've been here before. Knowing that there was nothing the doctor would do or prescribe for her we just did our best to 'cope' at home. Coping is difficult when you have a child that coughs every 10 seconds (and that is no exaggeration!). Coughing so badly she was screaming in agony and being sick.

She was off school and Matt was heading up to Durham overnight leaving me to cope with MC and TC. Thankfully TC is still (teething aside) the most chilled out and laziest baby ever *crosses EVERYTHING and touches wood a million times*.

A second night of no sleep followed but this time it was without a husband to split the nursing hours.

The next day MC didn't seem so bad as she managed to get a decent block of sleep early on in the morning while I was up giving TC his breakfast. She was still coughing badly but she showed glimmers of her normal happy self between the coughing fits.

That afternoon we tried to get a nap when TC went for his usual sleep. MC couldn't stop coughing. It got worse. She started being sick again and went downhill fast. Matt returned home mid-afternoon and I rang the GP to book an emergency appointment at our usual surgery.

The doctor had heard MC coughing from his room.

The problem with emergency appointments is you have to wait a long time and by the time we were seen she was burning up again.

He said "It sounds a bit like whooping cough and there's a lot of that around at the moment. An awful lot" and raised his eyebrows.

"But she was vaccinated against that as a baby" I replied.

He checked her records "Yup, you're right, she was".

Looking in her throat he said it looked swollen and nasty. Her tonsils were swollen too (although no white spots).

"She needs a dose of antibiotics" he said "I'll prescribe her Erythromycin which is what we would prescribe for whooping cough. She needs to take it every 6 hours".

23 hours after her first dose she started to come back to life.

I'm so glad because that night, just after that very first dose she was in a state. So much so that Matt started to say we should take her to A&E.

She's still coughing now but not anywhere near as often and she was able to sleep much better last night. Today she's been happily playing and her appetite has started to return too.

I know that dishing out antibiotics isn't healthy and people are building up resistances to them but sometimes they are needed. I seriously believe that sometimes doctors hold back unnecessarily because they don't want to be seen to be giving out drugs willy nilly. Having a severe cough when you are an adult is bad enough, nevermind when you're only 3 years old!

Also, to the little girl who was at ballet. I have a question for her parents. Why didn't you keep her at home? I get that she probably wanted to go to ballet. The other week MC was poorly. She still wanted to go to class but we kept her home. There were a few tears but it was for the best.

Only last week I was stood in the school yard waiting for the nursery door to open at 8.30am and the amount of children that were coughing constantly was terrible. There's so much of it about.

Due to someone not keeping their infectious child at home I've had to suffer having just 6 hours sleep in 60 and a daughter so poorly it's been heartbreaking at times. She's also been off school for the week missing out on her singing practice for her school nativity.

As Matt and I were poorly last Christmas I'm determined to have a happy and healthy one this year. If I could lock my children away for the next month to keep them germ free, I would but I fear this isn't the last time we'll be told "It's viral".

Silent Sunday #68

Inspired by...

Education And Estrogen

I know...usually us Brits call it 'Oestrogen' but cut me some slack...it didn't quite fit right in my blog post title so I'm adopting the other way of spelling it.  Besides, one of my blogging besties Lady Estrogen wouldn't be happy now would she?

Mini Cheddar is already signed up to start Play School this September but I hadn't got her signed up for 'proper' school.  I've had the form for a while but it wasn't until my friend said I'd better get it in last week that I sprung into action. I know, bad mummy! We are quite lucky in that there are 2 great schools within walking distance from our house but there is one that I would prefer her to attend.

So, I filled the form in and rather than post it I decided to drop the form in to the school on my way back home from shopping last week.

Big mistake.

See, the thing is I was quite emotional as it was 'that' time of the month.  You know... the time when any usually serene and angelic woman turns into a mega-bitch from hell?  The time of the month when you could quite easily feel like stabbing someone if they look at you the wrong way one minute or burst into tears watching a dumb TV commercial the next? Yup, if you're a woman, you'll know exactly what I mean.

So, I walked into the school with Mini Cheddar and it was fabulous, very organised but very friendly.  All the staff greeted me warmly and I was taken inside for more of a look around.  They interacted with Mini Cheddar and got her talking (she can be a little shy with strangers) whilst I sorted out where the form was to go.  Next thing I know Mini Cheddar was wanting to leave me to join in with all the school children and even indicated that she wanted to wear the uniform.

All of a sudden, I became aware of overwhelming emotions building up inside of me and I was struggling to hold back tears.  I can't quite describe what I was feeling. A sense of my baby girl growing up, her spreading her wings, the thought of her embarking on an education journey that I wouldn't be able to hold her hand through properly.  I don't know what exactly it was.  I was going to put it entirely down to my crazy hormones but even as I'm sat here typing this post I still feel the same.

I carried Mini Cheddar out of the school, got in the car and then the floodgates opened.

I couldn't stop crying.

If this is what I'm like now, I really need to buy some shares in Kleenex or something before she does start school.

Does My Belly Look Big In This?

Photo credit: luigi diamanti

It's usually "does my bum look big in this?", I know.

Thing is, I've been lucky enough never to struggle with weight gain over the years.  When I went past the age of 30 (*cough* over 6 years ago) I finally felt normal.

Up until then, in school especially, I was always the 'skinny' one.  I got teased in primary school for being thin. "Ethiopian" I'd hear them shout. Kids can be so bloody cruel!  I had HUGE ridiculous glasses too which were 'all the rage' then apparently. Oddly though, I never struggled with male attention - despite looking like the off-spring of Deirdre Barlow!

In my teens I was still thin but once I turned 21 I started to fill out a lot more but I was still very slim. In my mid twenties I was happier with my body and my stomach was so toned/slim that I had a feminine 6-pack. I've never gone over a size 10-12 (38-40) and I know a lot of people, friends included, who would kill for that.

However, when I hit my late 20's/early 30's that's when I developed what's known in our family as 'The Robinson legs'. They stem from my Mums side of the family. Mum too, like me, had a great set of pins on her when she was younger but all of a sudden they filled out. The same thing has happened to me. I hate my legs. Actually, no, I loathe my legs. I hate the summer time when everyone starts wearing shorts. Most of the time you'll see me in linen trousers even when it's scorching - that's how much I hate them. They also never tan so they resemble the shade of Casper The Friendly Ghost most of the time.

People always think that thinner people are happy with their bodies - they aren't. I still squirm and get offended when someone calls me 'skinny' and I point out my thighs to them. I guess those are scars from my school days that have never really healed.

I put on 3 stone in weight when I was pregnant with Mini Cheddar.  6 months of solid breast-feeding saw the weight come straight off. Since having her my body has taking a battering. I don't have any stretch-marks but my boobs have headed south and it's my belly that's starting to become a problem. I'm forever sucking in it for fear of my parents people thinking I'm pregnant. I'm not.

I've just tried a new top on that I've bought. It's lovely but it ties under my boobs. I study myself in the mirror. In my eyes I look pregnant. I'm not sure if it's the cut of the top or the fact that most of my old maternity tops were cut in this way so I'm just paranoid that people will think I'm expecting. BMC (Before Mini Cheddar) I was always wearing tops like that.

Mind you, before I had Mini Cheddar I could sneeze without thinking I was going to pee my pants.

I guess times have changed.