Tuesday, 17 July 2012

I'll Be There For You

Before I had Mini Cheddar I pretty much just got on with my life.

Sure I was worried very occasionally about accidents, illness and the like but no more so than everyone else.

When I became a mother, just over 3 years ago, I experienced a massive change in how I looked at things and how I felt.

I was a mother. A mum. A mummy.

My primary job in the new role was to protect my child and be there for her...always.

I began to have feelings that made me slightly nervous and uncomfortable. Feelings that something bad was going to happen. To her. To my husband. To me. To all of us.

These feelings would vary in intensity. They weren't just dreams or nightmares, they were thoughts in my day to day life. Thoughts that were quite powerful sometimes.

For instance, I'd get het up if Matt was on long car journeys, worried that he wouldn't make it safely home to us. I'd actually even visualise policemen turning up on my doorstep..."Mrs Lucas?....I'm afraid we have some bad news". If I felt any pain or felt unwell I'd worry that it was something more serious and I wouldn't make it to see my daughter grow up. Even if I carried MC across the landing I'd have visions of me tripping and dropping her over the bannister. So I'd clutch her so tight and walk nearer the wall.

I started to think I was silly having these thoughts. Until I spoke to a few other mums and realised that it was perfectly natural.

When we become mothers it's as if someone flicks a switch on that makes us have these overly sensitive and protective feelings for our offspring. Perhaps it's a hormonal change. Maybe it's more powerful in some people than others. I really don't know. I don't have the answers.

Anyway, somewhere along the lines I became less anxious. The thoughts were there but they gradually dwindled away as MC grew older and I began to feel more comfortable. I still had worries but they were less intense. Less scary. Less frequent.

What a great day for an ultrasound!
Now I've had another baby the thoughts have returned. Albeit less often and less dramatic but it's brought it all back to me how I felt after the birth of MC.

I have been having a few problems recently which couldn't be diagnosed properly by my GP so he referred me for an ultrasound. I went to the hospital on Friday but kept it quiet from family and friends. All has come back clear but for those 2 weeks whilst I waited for my appointment, although I knew deep down that everything was alright, there was this tiny niggling doubt in my mind that something bad was going to come of it.

It's really made me realise that I need to take better care of myself so I can do my best to ensure I'm there for my two children for as long as I can be.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. It's been one of 'those' posts that has been lingering in drafts for a long time now. I'm guessing I just wanted to assure any other mums who have experienced or are experiencing these feeling that they are certainly not alone.


Myevil3yearold said...

One day I had an irrational sobfest all because I heard sirens and my sister in law was driving somewhere in the same town of 40,000 people with my baby and i had convinced myself the sirens were due to some horrible accident my baby was in. I totally get my mom now. She wasn't crazy after all just worried sick.

Dear Beautiful Boy said...

Becoming a parent seems to make you a bag of nerves over everything, doesn't it? My husband works on the road each and every day and it fills me with absolute dread. And that's nothing compared to when we are all in the car together. And bath times..... I will check the temperature again and again and AGAIN just to make sure it's not too hot.
I've definitely got less anxious over time but it's still there nagging at my brain in the background and I'm sure it will all kick in again when the new baby arrives. In fact my latest worry is that something might happen to me as a result of pregnancy/labour.
At least I'm not alone in worrying. I think its part of the job description. X

Candi said...

Oh I still have those worries, especially as I feel I need to live as long as my special girl cos I'm terrified about leaving her without me to look after her.  I've been for tests before and that wait is so worrying, but like you I tend to not tell anyone until I've got the results ((hugs))

Mummysknee said...

Yip, I'm with you. I still do this & I agree it got less after Buddy (eventually) but then increased again once I had Bubbles.

I try not to worry but like you, sometimes it just takes over.

So glad all is ok.

Take care, jo

farfromhomemama said...

Oh Heather, I think all mums suffer with the 'fear'. Fear for your child, yourself, your family. It feels like as soon as you give birth, everything precious to you is magnified and you'll go to your death to protect it. Big hugs x

Christina E said...

I'm afraid that I've always been a bit like this, but yes, worse after becoming a mum (the circumstances in which I became one of course making it a whole lot worse).  I had a "daymare" just yesterday when my daughter and I were walking to the Tesco Extra up the road.  She wanted me to carry her at the point where the road turns into a bridge over the railway lines.  Before I knew it I'd imagined myself tripping, propelling her over the side in a totally ludicrously unrealistic fashion, and being charged with murder because it must have been deliberate.  I kind of just shook my head and blinked it out of my mind.  So yeah, you're not the only one and it seems rather more common than I had realised.  Phew!

Christine McKee said...

Good to know i'm not the only one then. I get the walking down stairs when she's in my arms jitters. I also do the check on them frequently when they're sleeping 'daymare'. They hit hardest in the dream form when pregnant too. 

One Mother's Notes said...

Good to know i'm not the only one then. I get the walking down stairs when she's in my arms jitters. I also do the check on them frequently when they're sleeping 'daymare'. They hit hardest in the dream form when pregnant too

LauraCYMFT said...

Glad to hear you are OK. It's nice to read that there are other women out there who share those worries since becoming a mum. You wouldn't give half the things you think about now a moments thought before kids, would you?! I call it growing up...scary though isn't it?!

bod for tea said...

Oh hun, sorry to hear that you had that scare to deal with. I can SO relate to this post, I was exactly the same as you, and would dream that somehow I managed to drop Curly Girl out of the window or down the stairs. I used to check she was breathing all the time too. Scary how your hormones do these crazy things to you, but I guess that's evolution and it happens for a reason. 

Village Mama UK said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post. I had been feeling the same recently. Glad to hear all came back clear.


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