Plans to get on top of the housework. Plans to throw myself back into blogging. Plans to get more 'me' time to read blogs. Plans to get more time to comment on blogs. Plans to reply to comments on my own blog. Plans to throw myself back into my freelance work. Plans to see my friends and family more. Plans to to spend more quality time with Matt and the children.
All plans that keep going out of the window.
I'm feeling a little bit lost if I'm completely honest.
I can't get my head into gear.
The last 6 weeks or so have been an emotional roller coaster. The news of Matilda Mae's passing has completely rocked me. Not a day has gone by since I heard the news that my thoughts haven't turned to Jennie and her family. Not a day has gone by when I haven't shed a tear. Not a day has gone by when I haven't looked at Tiny Ched and thought of Baby Tilda.
Matt's Grandmother passed away middle of February too. It's been a hard time for all.
It's also not been helped by illness striking our house full-on. First Matt was laid up in bed (again - we were all really poorly in January too) for two or three days. Then we spent all last week in a severe state of worry about TC and ended up being referred to the hospital Friday night. But that's a whole other blog post in itself!
We've also had Mini Cheddar turning 4 in the middle of all this. Cue birthday day celebrations followed by a big party at the weekend.
My life just seems like a long 'to do' list.
None of which seems to be getting done.
What am I doing?
Where are the days going?
I don't seem to be achieving anything right now.
I see images on Instagram or blog posts with family days out or fun days in and I can't help but feel completely jealous. I'm a stay-at-home-mum. Surely I can find time to fill my children's lives with fun activities?
I'm feeling like a failure.
I seem to be shouting a lot too.
Then I feel incredibly guilty. Even though MC is testing her boundaries a little, I still shouldn't be raising my voice to her. What sort of example am I setting?
I love my children more than anything. The guilt that I'm not being a good Mummy right now is tearing me apart and making me feel even worse. It's like a vicious circle.
TC is almost back to 100% health, thankfully. He'll be celebrating his 1st birthday next Thursday (28th) and I want to do something special.
Susanne has inspired me to do a cake smash, that much I have thought about, but the rest is unknown. We have immediate family coming over the day after his birthday for a small get-to-gether. However, the thought of having to even cater for that and clean the house just makes me want to curl up in a ball.
Yes, I feel a bit lost about his birthday too.
How can I be planning and celebrating his 1st birthday when another mother...another blogger...a friend is grieving for her beautiful baby girl?
So yes, I'm feeling a little bit lost.
In fact, this blog post is a little bit lost.
I don't even know where it's going. All I know is that I need to blog my feelings tonight, even though they are a little bit lost.
Let's hope I find myself again soon.