Wednesday, 20 March 2013

A Little Bit Lost

I've had grand plans lately.

Plans to get on top of the housework. Plans to throw myself back into blogging. Plans to get more 'me' time to read blogs. Plans to get more time to comment on blogs. Plans to reply to comments on my own blog. Plans to throw myself back into my freelance work. Plans to see my friends and family more. Plans to to spend more quality time with Matt and the children.

All plans that keep going out of the window.

I'm feeling a little bit lost if I'm completely honest.

I can't get my head into gear.

The last 6 weeks or so have been an emotional roller coaster. The news of Matilda Mae's passing has completely rocked me. Not a day has gone by since I heard the news that my thoughts haven't turned to Jennie and her family. Not a day has gone by when I haven't shed a tear. Not a day has gone by when I haven't looked at Tiny Ched and thought of Baby Tilda.

Matt's Grandmother passed away middle of February too. It's been a hard time for all.

It's also not been helped by illness striking our house full-on. First Matt was laid up in bed (again - we were all really poorly in January too) for two or three days. Then we spent all last week in a severe state of worry about TC and ended up being referred to the hospital Friday night. But that's a whole other blog post in itself!

We've also had Mini Cheddar turning 4 in the middle of all this. Cue birthday day celebrations followed by a big party at the weekend.

My life just seems like a long 'to do' list.

None of which seems to be getting done.

What am I doing?

Where are the days going?

I don't seem to be achieving anything right now.

I see images on Instagram or blog posts with family days out or fun days in and I can't help but feel completely jealous. I'm a stay-at-home-mum. Surely I can find time to fill my children's lives with fun activities?

I'm feeling like a failure.

I seem to be shouting a lot too.

Then I feel incredibly guilty. Even though MC is testing her boundaries a little, I still shouldn't be raising my voice to her. What sort of example am I setting?

I love my children more than anything. The guilt that I'm not being a good Mummy right now is tearing me apart and making me feel even worse. It's like a vicious circle.

TC is almost back to 100% health, thankfully. He'll be celebrating his 1st birthday next Thursday (28th) and I want to do something special.

Really special.

Susanne has inspired me to do a cake smash, that much I have thought about, but the rest is unknown. We have immediate family coming over the day after his birthday for a small get-to-gether. However, the thought of having to even cater for that and clean the house just makes me want to curl up in a ball.

Yes, I feel a bit lost about his birthday too.

How can I be planning and celebrating his 1st birthday when another mother...another blogger...a friend is grieving for her beautiful baby girl?

So yes, I'm feeling a little bit lost.

In fact, this blog post is a little bit lost.

I don't even know where it's going.  All I know is that I need to blog my feelings tonight, even though they are a little bit lost.

Let's hope I find myself again soon.

Photo credit


Susanne Remic said...

Oh huge hugs for you. Its so overwhelming when lots is going on, especially with birthdays in the middle of it all. You are not a failure at all. You are a fab mum and a fab friend so I hate to read that you think otherwise. Give yourself some time and if you don't feel up to a big party then don't do it. I wish i had done this for bella. Hugs you know where I an xxx

Hannah said...

I can relate so much to this, especially the bit about cleaning the house and catering for a party. Take care of yourself, just do what you can do and try not to worry too much about the rest. Easier said than done, I know. Hugs xx

Zaz said...

It's so hard to focus on mundane or everyday tasks, when your emotions have been rocked and your inner pendulum thrown totally off-kilter by such terrible news. You are not a terrible mum or a failure - we all have those #fail moments or days when we shout when we wished we hadn't, when the kids eat an omelette for dinner AGAIN, when the housework hasn't been done, or enough - if any at all - tasks have been ticked off the to-do list. But that's the beauty of tomorrow. It comes, and you can take a deep breath, exhale, and start again. Don't beat yourself up. The tears will dry up eventually, and you will be back to you, and not lost anymore. xx Zaz aka Mama and More

Michelle Twin Mum said...

Ohh bless you gorgeous lady. Let it all out and allow yourself to grieve for Tilda. It will take time to feel like things are getting back to normal but they will and you will be OK. Don't be so hard on yourself, I know you are a loving and caring Mum. We all have these times when we feel lost and it all feels very difficult. If it continues too long, have a trip tot he docs and talk. My PND after the girls did not onset until 11 months and talking and talking really helped me.

With love, Mich x

Notmyyearoff said...

You're allowed to feel lost. Losing Matilda Mae has hit me too but I didn't even know her and I'm not sure how those close must be coping if I, as a stranger, felt it :( it's also that time of year when so many people are taken and its got me thinking about deeper things. I hope you find your feet soon hun x

Looking for Blue Sky said...

No, never a failure, just human. So much going on for you, sickness and sadness all at once, no wonder it all seems too much, just give yourself and your family, time, we'll all still be here xx

cafebebe said...

Bless you sweetie. Take time, enjoy the kids. Your Instagram photos are fabulous. After Kerry died and now Matilda I have realised how very important it is to LIVE. Blog when you want to. It will come. Take a breath and be kind to yourself and know how much we care about you too! xx


Nicola said...

Sometimes you need to get a little bit lost to work out where you are supposed to be going. As a stay at home mum, I totally relate to the 'why am I not doing more fun stuff with the kids' train of thought. You just don't because day to day life gets in the way. The important thing is that you are there and no matter how hideous a week seems to be to me, my daughter's favourite thing of the week is always 'playing with mum'. Who knows why, and I am not always convinced much of it happens, but it is her consistent response. Look after yourself.

Clare said...

One thing the baby books never mention is that you will now feel guilty for the rest of your life. You are doing the best you can. We all shout at the kids (me more than most), we are all human and we all love our kids unconditionally. Let yourself of the hook & just be. Xx

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Lisa said...

Sending lots of hugs to you! I have been similar of late and am trying my best to keep busy, but with two so young every day is a struggle. Chin up lovely lady, this too shall pass, I've been told! Xxx

PhotoPuddle said...

Oh hun, I am so sorry to hear you're still feeling like this. I get where you're at though as I'm not in the best place myself at the moment. I am just so exhausted by everything. I wake up in the morning wondering how many hours it is until bedtime. And I spend a lot of time feeling guilty that people are much worse off that me and I should snap out of it. I know I'll perk up soon, probably when the weather gets better, but for the time being all I want is my bed. Sending you huge hugs though as it sounds like you need a few and hope you feel better soon.

Sorry, I realise I've turned your post around into me having a moan about my life. I'll run off and feel guilty about that now ;-)

Mummyandthebeastie said...

You've had a lot happen in a short space of time and combined with illness it's knocked you for six. Life can just be so tough sometimes but you'll get there. It's hard to focus on the positives when so many sad things have happened. You're human and it's completely normal to feel lost sometimes, gradually you'll pick up pace again and I have a feeling that lovely holiday in May will help you all along the way. I totally understand what you are saying about Matilda but I am sure Jennie wouldn't want you feeling this way about celebrating TC's first birthday, all the more reason to cherish and celebrate. Getting all of your feelings out through writing helps lots too. I know the feeling well about not having everything the way I would like it. I barely blog, let alone read others and comment. In an ideal world I'd have a little system and a lot more time to devote to blogs. I feel like I'm constantly chasing my tail, but I know that is motherhood in a nutshell. We'll get there though :-) xx

Emma said...

Awww Heather, make sure you take things easy for a bit and take time to find yourself again. As Hannah said you've had such a lot happen recently.

Time does just disappear when you have kids doesn't it? I am constantly chasing my tail too.

Hugs lovely. xx

Sharon Donnelly said...

Heather it wouldn't be normal if you didn't feel all those things. You've had a lot going on and I can sympathise with feeling lost. I've got lists in my diary, lists in my phone, lists on countless notebooks and still I feel like I achieve nothing. the blog sits unloved a lot of the time and I see so many bloggers doing fabulous things but then I remember I have an almost full time job and I can' do everything and be everything to everyone. As for the shouting - I hear you on that. I feel appalled at myself sometimes, but we're just human and it won't scar the kids if mummy sometimes looks like her head is going to blow up. Take it easy and enjoy the children and all get back to 100% fitness. I found it harder having 2 children around the time Noah turned 1 and now we're 4 months from him turning 2 I feel like it's getting easier again. Big hugs xxx

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SAHMlovingit said...

Thanks, Sharon. I just think it all snowballed as everything hit at once. I'm sure I'll be feeling better in a couple of weeks. I'm glad to hear I'm not alone xx

SAHMlovingit said...

Yes! Time does just disappear indeed. A lot of the time I'm asking myself what I've done and can't answer. Thanks, Emma xx

SAHMlovingit said...

Aw, thanks Hannah. I almost didn't blog the bit about thinking about Matilda and it impacting on TC's birthday as I didn't want to upset Jennie but I have to be honest in my post and you're right, getting feelings out helps. I'm sure I'll be feeling better soon xx

SAHMlovingit said...

Moan away! I'm sorry I haven't emailed you and sorry you're not feeling great either. A right pair we are going to be in June! I think I'll feel much better once we get some warmer weather too. Thanks lovely xx

SAHMlovingit said...

Thanks Lisa and once again, sorry you're not feeling great too. Roll on next Thursday and real life hugs! xx

SAHMlovingit said...

Aw thanks Clare :) xx

SAHMlovingit said...

Thank you so much xx

SAHMlovingit said...

Aw thanks Karin. Can't wait to see you in June to give you a real life hug. Hope you're feeling better. Wished we lived closer xx

SAHMlovingit said...

Thanks C. I think it's just all hit at once and I need to snap myself out of the mindset I'm in xx

SAHMlovingit said...

Thanks Taz. I think it's hit everyone so hard :( Hugs xx

SAHMlovingit said...

Thanks, Mich. I don't think it's PND...well, I've never had it before but I'm keeping an eye on it. I just think everything has hit at once and snowballed so I'm feeling it more. I'm sure there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Got a lot of nice things to look forward to and one of those will be seeing you in June! :) xx

SAHMlovingit said...

Thank you once again for this amazing comment, Zaz. It's brilliant and really helped xx

SAHMlovingit said...

Thanks so much, Hannah xx

SAHMlovingit said...

I know where you are and I wished you lived a little bit closer than you do. Thank you for all your help, support and friendship over the last 7 weeks. Roll on Thursday xx

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