My back against the cot, I sit here for what seems like an eternity. I don't feel the pain of the cot bars digging into my back though.
I just feel you.
I feel your warmth. I feel your heartbeat. I feel your body one with mine. Just like we used to be when you were inside me.
I sit here in a darkened room holding your tiny head in my hands. Not ever wanting to let you go.
I sit here after calming you down. Cold and teething are not your friend tonight. You love your sleep and it pains me to see you so upset.
It's not like you. You're usually so happy.
You've been so difficult today but I don't mind. I don't mind one bit. For when I feel my patience wearing thin I imagine what life would be like without you.
Without you. I shudder at the very thought.
I have lots to do tonight but it can wait. Me time seems so pointless.
You are me.
I just want to hold you close forever. And ever.
I want to sit in this darkened room as long as I can. I sit here and the tears start to fall. They start to fall because I know that outside of this room there are other mummies and daddies who sit in the dark.
They sit there for different reasons.
They sit there without their baby.
Their baby is gone.
That baby could be tiny. That baby could be fully grown and left home. No parent should have to bury their child - whatever age.
I'll sit in this darkened room for as long as I want. I'll sit and I'll think and I'll be thankful. Thankful that even though this evening has been hard...
...you are here with me.
24 comments:
Oh Heather this is so beautiful but so sad too. I love the way you've written it. Big hug xx
This is just gorgeous, and it made me think xx
Such a lovely, heartfelt post.
Beautiful post hunny, welcome back to your blog xxx
Beautiful. We should never forget how lucky we are. xx
This is beautiful Heather. And we should never ever forget how lucky we are. Blogging has taught me that. x
Your post just brought tears to my eyes. We all need to remember this at times when we get frustrated with our little ones. Being without them doesn't bear thinking about.
How beautiful. I have had many a night like this, where I remember quite how lucky I am, even when things are hard x
A beautiful post. I get like that too sometimes. I just sit in the dark cuddling S, knowing how lucky I am
So beautiful, so heartbreaking, and so glad I'm not alone in doing this. My kiddos have both been poorly, and as much as the constantly being crawled all over and cried at is draining, I wouldn't have it any other way. They are here, they are mine, and I am grateful for that every day. x
I think this every single day. Every single day. xxxxx
Me too xxx
Sorry for the delay in my reply - catching up after illness. It all gets to us sometimes but I try so hard to be patient when things get bad as, like you say, they are here and they are mine xx
I think we all feel like this since Feb xx
Thanks Bex. I think we all have so much to be thankful for and it's good to remember. Sorry for the delay in my reply but just recovering from illness xx
Thank you. It made me cry writing it in that room. Sorry for the delay in my reply but I've been really ill. I'm on catch up now xx
Thank you lovely. It's taught me that too xx
Thanks Charlotte (sorry for delay, been poorly) xx
Oh and sorry for the delay in my reply but been really ill xx
Ha! Thanks for the welcome back hun but I disappeared again didn't I? Back for good now I hope. Can't wait to see you xx
Thank you Laura (sorry, on catch up as been really ill) xx
Thank you C xx
Thanks Lauren. I cried whilst I was writing it xx
Sorry for delay btw, on catch up after illness xx
Post a Comment